My husband is addicted to pot and is an alcoholic. I have read Dr. Harley's books, His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. After reading them I decided my husband needed to move out of the house. I asked him to leave and he did, for ONE night and came home the next day and said he would quit because he didn't want to lose me. He also said he would go to ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS that night but never did. Dr. Harley says that you can't work on your marriage until the addictions are overcome and that my husband needs to move out until then. We have five children and he is the sole bread winner. How do I get my husband to understand the importance of moving out until he overcomes his addictions? What do I tell the children?

Dear Proven Woman,

Certainly having your husband move out is a clear stick in your hand.

Getting your husband to stop his addiction is one approach. Another step toward that end is to have him participate in rehabilation.

It is difficult to change a habit of drinking. The term addiction is helpful to understand the difficulty a person may have in stopping a habit.

There is an Al-Anon website that has all sorts of meetings listed all over the country at all times of the day and night. How old are your children?

You do not mention the term enabling. Enabling is the concept that the sober spouse unintentionally interacts with the drinker in a way that continues the cycle of irresponsibility. The drinker, experiencing some trigger situation, desiring a drink, imbibing, and becoming under the influence of the intoxicant.

You want to first minimize your dependance upon self-reporting. Substance abusers often bend the truth, which is part of the total problem leading to over-indulgence.

The Salvation Army has programs for more serious alcoholics. First I would see what programs are available to your husband. Aparently he is earning sufficient money to support your home.

How old are your 5 children? One way to reduce stress in the home is to take a parenting course together, so that both you and your husband are on the same page with your kids.

With Pot involved, AA may not be the best place for his needs. However, there are a number of Coffee bars run by AA, and if you see a pattern of intoxication coming, you might ask him to go to the coffee bar, and give you a call.

The problem with asking your husband to leave, before you clearly have everything set up, is that you reduce your positive reward systems, that can be used to get some things set up, like appointments to be interviewed for a program. Also, for optimal motivation, you need to have the minimal time between when he gets kicked out, the program starts, and you let him back in.

To me, you first need to have the progams available researchd out, and you need a support group, like Al-Anaon, so you can follow through.

It is not real difficult to get a court order to have your husband stay away from the house. And there may be a time to carry that forward. For now, you may want to line up some witnesses that are willing to appear in court with you, if you need to get a restraining order.

You may need to get child support ordered, and you may need to take courses to go to work, in order to qualify for welfare.

How bad is his getting intoxicated? What happens when he is intoxicated? What arrangements for baby sitters do you have? How much do you have saved for legal fees?

Your questi0n of what to say to your children, is a good question to discuss with your husband, "After I have the Police throw you out of here, what should I tell your 5 children?

You don't seem to have your husban's personality difficulties defined. What testing has he had? What evaluations have been made? What makes sense to you?

Posting is thrapeutic,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 19, 2003, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

I just wanted to let you know that I have totally been in your situation and know exactly how you feel.
Quipper had some really goog advice for you but, I am going to sway off of that road a little.
First of all, he has to want to change, and if he truly wants to change he will do it for him and not for the fact that he is trying to please you and keep you. Everyone is responsible for their OWN actions. You are not responsible for his addictions and you have to know that. You cannot change him, only he can do that. I've been there and been there and in the end he still chose marijuana over me and the marriage. I didnt want that kind of life, it is a road that leads no where. He told me and told me that he would quit, has quit and would do anything but, all of that was just a tactic to try and keep me. I think some people want to change but I also believe that some people never want to change.
I suggest that you go in to plan b and stick to it.
Best wishes to both of you and I hope he does what he says and I pray that if he truly wants to quit he will.