I am kind of switching focus so I thought it would be best to start a new topic. I have been posting the details of my wifes affair under the subject "Any Hs with a pregnant W from A?" so if you would like background please check there.<P>Although it's still early, from our few talks it seems that my W and I will not be able to reconcile. I have offered to raise the OC as my own, but I think she either hates me too much to stay together or thinks she is in love with OM. <P>I am now starting to think about the legal ramifications of everything and have been doing some research. I am basically looking at both angles of how this will turn out. <P>First, if we reconcile, and I assume responsibility for the child what rights does the OM have as far as visitation of C, etc. If we do stay together I would prefer OM was not involved at all but is there any legal way to keep him from having contact with the C? I will technically be the Cs father listed on the birth certificate so there will be no question of paternity unless raised by the OM. Is he able to do that and if so what will that get him if successful?<P>Second, if we decide to divorce, what rights do I have to deny paternity. I discovered we will not be able to file in Florida for six months due to the states residency law. That six month period would be at about the due date of the OC and would mean that it could be born while we are still married. What could I do to deny paternity? Obviously I will raise the objection at the divorce proceeding should there be one, but how has Florida handled these types of things? I know 100% that the OC is not mine, but would a DNA test be good enough to prove that to the state? How else can I go about covering myself in this eventuality?<P>Thanks.

ME,<P>Well, right now there is really nothing you can do as far as paternity and DNA testing. I do recommend getting a DNA test done as soon as the baby is born, so that you would be prepared for whatever happens with your marriage. If the OM wants to be involved in the C's life, and you and your W stay together, then OM will have to pay CS, but will most likely be given visitation rights. If you do end up divorced,then the DNA will save you from having to pay the CS to the child, and your W will have to go after the OM to get any support for the C. I would look into what the state laws are for getting DNA testing done, and contesting paternity.<P>Hope that helped.<P>Tigger

M_E,<BR>I suggest that you post your question again with a message line directly addressing "Bystander" He knows the laws of this inside and out, and I'm sure he'll be able to give you a good idea of what you're up against either way.<P>Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.<BR>-cd

ME:<P>This is what I would do, from your standpoint (and I was in a similar situation).<P>1. Get into MB phone counseling and start on Plan A (order Surviving an Affair from the bookstore here). Plan A is elimination of lovebusters, and an attempt to meet previously unmet needs of your wife---that she is willing to let you meet (that's probably a short list right now).<P>2. Give this time. I'm sure that your wife is extremely confused. She also has put on a clock on her in regards to reconciliation. But there's nothing legally that you can do until the child is born.<P>Within the next six months, you'll probably see one of two situations unfold:<P>A) Your wife decides that she's going to continue her affair and wants divorce.<P>B) Your wife decides that she's willing to reconcile with you.<P>Option A is the easier of your two scenarios here. You would file for divorce. You'll also need to contest paternity. Get a good lawyer to handle this with you, and DNA testing will be needed. If possible, I'd suggest that you have the OM completely support your wife at this point---otherwise, keep solid financial records of this, so that you can recoup any monetary losses (if you so desire). You should have no problems getting off the hook for CS here.<P>Option B is tougher. You will need to decide (jointly) how you will handle all this. And unless your Plan A is miraculously successful, you will still be very worried exactly where you stand with your wife. You and your wife will need to present a united front to the OM---it's true, that he may sue to establish himself as the biological parent. You have some leaverage if he's in the military (if he's had an affair---his superiors may not look particularly favorably on that). But there are no iron-clad guarantees on how this will work out.<P>In addition, if you decide to reconcile, but later divorce---you'll be on the hook for child support. If this divorce is 6-12 months after the child is born, you may be able to fight it. But if it's longer than a couple years---you're going to need to realize that this baby is now 'yours'. And if you've raised the child for that long, you'll be pretty attached to him or her. In my case, this wasn't a big risk, because the OC was my third (and child support doesn't jump a whole bunch). But if this is your first child---it's a significiant financial responsibility.<P>Bystander is our local legal expert on these matters, and his advice can help you as well.

<BR>milton,<P>You are subject to the notorious "assumed paternity" laws in every state in the US. That means that if you do not proactively deny paternity, you WILL be the legal father of the child. As a practical matter, what that means is that if your marriage ends, you WILL be ordered under threat of prison to pay 25% of your net pay to your wife for the next twenty years. There is no accountability for how this money is spent; a new car for herself, crack cocaine, whatever. In trade, the courts will given you token access to the OM's child. What that means is if your wife decides not to interfere with visitation, you'll get the kid every other weekend. If your wife decides to slam the door in your face and prevent you from seeing the child, she can easily use the "child support" money you're paying to maintain a long-running legal battle against you.<P>I think you can see what I would do. Frankly, in ANY marriage where there aren't previous children, a man should AUTOMATICALLY take whatever steps are necessary to legally and formally deny paternity. And that means up to and including divorce. Personally, I think we should abolish the "assumed paternity" laws outright, but proper reforms are a completely different thread I realize.<P>As to your own case, you won't be able to contest paternity until after the child is born. The reason is that no court will order a DNA test on an unborn child because of completely unnecessary medical risk to the mother and child (I agree with this view - waiting causes no harm).<P>The "child support" jurisdiction is ruled by the CHILD'S state of residence. The OM's child will thus collect "child support" according to Florida law. I don't think that the six month's residency will impact your actions, as the child will be a newborn when you actually file. You should see a lawyer to confirm this, but I'm pretty sure that you aren't at risk.<P>However, unlike K, I strongly advise you to take whatever means are necessary to avoid CS, even at the expense of your marriage. The fact of the matter is that your wife has seriously violated your trust, and by the time she can re-earn your trust you will have squandered your right to rebut the infamous presumption of paternity. There is so much money at stake (including the ability to father your own children with a different wife) the downside risk doesn't warrant staying in the marriage.<P>And as others have written, simply acting as the child's father CAN and WILL be used against you in adjudicating paternity. Remember, the court simply wants to nail a chump to the income shares cross. Don't be that chump. Don't do anything that would allow the court to claim that you were the child's father. Don't hold the child out to other's as yours - deny the child is yours in conversation. An extreme view is that you shouldn't even help feed it, clothe it, change diapers, etc.<P>Bystander

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>However, unlike K, I strongly advise you to take whatever means are necessary to avoid CS, even at the expense of your marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey pal, I think we agree... <P>Milton, one thing you can do (that Bystander would approve of, I believe) is to legally divorce and contest paternity---even if your wife would like to reconcile. You would go through the legal procedure---but you could stay together and work on the "new" marriage. This way you're off the hook should you not be able to make the marriage a success.<P>Frankly, it's probably the way that I would go if this was how the situation was playing out. If you divorce and deny paternity, you can still behave as "man and wife" (and even remarry). If the marriage goes south in 5 years, you won't be <I>legally</I> required to pay child support, although by that time you may decide to choose to (or heck---maybe you'll raise the child). This gives you the most options, and doesn't cost you in the long run.

<BR>K!!!<P>You Da Man! <P>We really agree on this one. I think Milton should do whatever it takes to avoid a CS judgment, and that means formally denying paternity. Later, much later, perhaps he would love the child enough to even adopt it. But that should be after a great deal of deliberation on his part, and when he is certain that the relationship with the child's mother is on good footing. I don't think that he should be subject to some two year rule that the assumed paternity laws impose on him. Remember, Milton: Inaction equals 25% of your net pay!<P>Bystander

K and Bystander,<BR> Thanks for the advice. After having a few weeks to sort things out with the A and coming back to my senses a little I can see the wisdom in your words. Upon first discovering the A I went into the "I'll do anything to save the marriage stage" but now I have had a chance to really think about things and do some personal inventory to see how I feel and I'm starting to get a more objective outlook. <P>I have spoken with a lawyer in Florida (recommended by the Florida Bar Association referral service) and discussed some of my options. I think I will follow your suggested plan of attack and go through with divorce even if we decide to attempt reconciliation.<P>Thank you both for the help. It clears up at least one part of this mess.