i can't believe what i did this morning. i called the OW's job and left a very nasty message. well, i didn't sleep at all last night and the thought of her manipulating my dh just drove me crazy. i got up first thing this morning and called her job telling her she better not call my dh for anything again and i told her i know where she lives, works and where her [censored] child goes to daycare (i can't believe i said this). i then told her that if she did contact my dh again that i would send a letter to all her neighbors, her job and her childs daycare telling them what type of person she really is. i told her, her neighbors with men would love to know they have a predator living on thier block LOL. (can't believe i said this either). i then went on to tell her the letter was the only non-violent act. i called her whore, bit... and a few other words. i told her if you fu.....with my family then i have to fu... with yours. i went completely crazy... i called her job back 2 more times leaving hateful and violent messages--she won't get them until tomorrow but now that i have calmed down--i feel so bad--i wish i could take the messages back--i am so mad at myself for letting her get the best of me and now after leaving those messages she now knows she has effectively got to me. i feel like such an idiot...i know she'll call my dh and he'll be mad....any advice on how to handle this current situation? i'm hurting sooo bad.

Lemonpie,<P>I can completely understand your anger. Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep at night the rage overcomes me and I can't take it. I usually just get right up and go into the living room. I even get mad that dh has the NERVE to sleep while I'm so angry (LOL!) <P>There is nothing you can do about the phone calls. I think you might let H know so it doesn't come as a surprise to him too.<P>I knew my H's OW had another child (just didn't know it was his...boy do I feel foolish about that!). Last Christmas he decided to spend the day with his kids (at that time I thought he only had 2!). I was so angry! Our son had just turned 2 and he said he was going up to where they live so OW could work that day (convience store type of deal). I was livid!!!!!! I asked him who was going to watch her third [censored] child while he was watching their two. He lied and said the guys mother. (H's mom has been dead for 7 years).<P>I am still at the point where I don't even want to call OC by her name. The anger (not at oc) is just too strong.<P>The things you said on the phone messages are things I wish I could say out loud. My OW doesn't have a job (other than having children with H so he can support her). I think I'm going to have to get my anger about her out at H's expense.<P>I think I'm at week 8 now. I'm just starting to leak a little of my anger out at dh. This morning there was a large amount of money on the kitchen table (dd owed me for her car insurance and left it there). He asked what the money was for. I told him to pay for sex with other men while he was gone (it's visitation day!). Then I said if I'm lucky I'll get pregnant and he'll have another kid to support since it would be born of our marriage. <P>This is not an easy thing to deal with.<P>I wish you peace soon.<P>By the way, thanks for your responses to my other posts.<P>Why<P>

why, i wasn't going to tell dh about the calls because i never used his name or OC name. i said when he mentions it to me i was going to tell him "maybe she's fuc.....someone else's husband". As for him sleeping when i can't--one night i actually had a vision of putting a knife in his back. i even told him that LOL--he was scared ****less--when i touch him he would immediately wake up. i NEVER say the OC name--and i never say his C--when we talk i always say her C. i'm taking bystanders advice and filing for CS as to protect myself and my children. he said he hasn't seen c since dday (but lets not forget he kept this C a secret for almost 3 yrs). he also said he would be honest with me with regards to seeing the OC--he said he will obey my wish and not have contact with C and if for some reason he has a need to he will let me know. (i doubt if this would happen) I don't really care if he sees the OC as long as he keeps it a secret from our family and friends. but if i find out he's lying and has been seeing her all along i truly believe i will be getting a divorce. i told him if he remains honest i can cope but if he's caught in one more lie its over. ****, this is the hardest thing i ever had to deal with in my life. i am in sooooo much pain sometimes it feels like i can't breathe. Sorry to ramble, thanks for reponding.

lemon,<BR> your anger is justifiable and I think we have all been at the place you are but is thare any way to have those messages errased before the ow gets to them? i ask because if she is even one tenth the way most ow are she will be at the police First thing in the morning when she hears them to place a harrasment and restaraining order against you.. This way she knows you won't be allowed to go to the DNA testing and any other court proceedings. if there is no way to erase them don't worry about it there is nothing you can do now anyway. Always try, and BELIEVE ME I know it is sooooooo hard but try and think how EVERY action you have might affect your children. I know you wanted to lash and yes you had a right but what if the police show up when your kids are home? Let me say I AM NOT saying this to scare or frighten you but the best advice i got from my best friend when i was in discovery mode was this " Before EVERY action you do from here on out think how it COULD affect your kids" that kept me from literally going out and starting a fist fight with the ow.<p>[This message has been edited by whatif? (edited September 16, 2001).]

you are right, i wish i had of thought about it beforehand, only because it was very inmature. i did not call her home i called her job and i don't think she wants anybody to know her situation, so i don't think she would share the voicemail with anyone nor do i think she would call the police. (remember she is embarrassed to go take a paternity test so I don't think she's told many people about how this C was conceived). i also never mentioned my name or my husbands name nor did i say anything about the child being his. i told her to stop calling my dh and the only thing i said about the C was "if you wanted your D to have a father you should have found one unattached". unless they do a voice check i don't think anyone would know it was me. again i did not identify myself or my dh. but i will surely take your advice from this point on--as i said i was so mad at myself for doing it in the first place.

Our ow told EVERYBODY AND I MEAN EVERYBODY who the father was so she would def. go to the cops. I onlt said that beacuse you saying you know where the [censored] child(which on a side note i must say i had that expression) goes to day care can be considered a threat. I know you only said things out of anger but DON"T give the ow any more power than she all rwady took from you

Again, you are absolutely correct, from this point on i will keep my thoughts to myself because i can't tell you how upset i am after reading your post. you mentioning cops made me realize i didn't really want any trouble with this OW. not involving cops anyway. i truly don't think she'll call the cops but i pretty sure she will call my dh. but i can tell you this, contact between us will never happen again.

Hi guys,<BR>Well, I raised my OC "[censored]" and he turned out pretty good. I'm sure he has a lot of pain although he has a very loving, godly stepfather who came into our lives when OC was 10 years old.<P>I'm sorry for your pain. Affairs are bad enough without an innocent child complicating matters. Actually the child doesn't complicate things as much as OPs showing their butts when they refuse to let go... Still, through it all, you have your spouses at home in bed with you! To me, that proves that you are the real winners here. The only real "loser" is the child, really, since they didn't ask to be born into all this mess.<P>All you can do is focus on rebuilding your marriage. Obviously it is a very solid one to survive this much and remain intact. What if you try to get your husband to follow Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement so that contact with OW doesn't bother you to the point of losing it?<P>Here's more on Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement</A>

Lemon,<P>I just wanted to tell you exOW had me falsely arrested for making harassing phone calls. She showed the cops a PAY PHONE NUMBER on her caller ID and they came to my house didn't listen to my story and arrested me. I thought this is crazy everything will blow over. It took a lot of hours on my part getting the police to listen to my side of the story adding a supplement report and a few Thousand dollars paid to a lawyer to get the charges dropped. She had me served with a protection order too. My exOW didn't want to mediate she told prosecutor she wanted me to go to jail if possible. Please remember this was a lie she eventually screwed herself by repeatedly calling the prosecutor and he felt like she was milking the system. (You don't say) I only tell all of this to warn you of what can happen when you allow your emotions to get the best of you. Please remember the only way to beat her is not to sink to her level. You have to be strong. She would tell the cops she had a baby by a married man just to get you in trouble. exOW's are only selectively embarrassed. Be careful. My son developed behavior problems because he saw me getting arrested. Your H might also think the worst of you for some reason H's believe we have to be the mature one even when exOW's do crazy things. I want to scream you shouldn't have had unprotected sex with a crazy and deranged woman and put me in this situation. Again you have the upper hand your H want's to be with you. Don't give exOW ammunition to use against you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.<P><BR>Unsure<BR> <BR>P.S. I just reread my post. If my H ever flipped out on me for what you did I think I would hit him over the head with something. Don't think I'm advising you to be a saint with your H. I know if an exOW still wants your H they try to make it seem like your the bad person. And for some reason they forget that H is agreeing with you on all matters like wanting a DNA test..etc. They only blame the W they have an unreasonable hatred of us. <p>[This message has been edited by UNSure919400 (edited September 17, 2001).]

Lemon pie,<BR> Dont let the phone message bother you we have all did or said things we wished we hadnt, I think it comes with the territory. Gees I have been so pee off at times murder wasnt to far from my thoughts. I think we get the most upset when our h act like its no big deal.<BR> I have wished for the worst things possible to happen when ow pokes her nose into my life.As long as she leaves us alone I'm o.k. the minute she starts her shi* up I go nuts its hard to control but in time it does get easier. <BR> with love flowerseed

lp,<BR>another thing that has worked for me is posting my thoughts before I state them to anyone. I even posted a letter that I wanted to give to exOW. After reading the replies, I did nothing, but pray. And guess what, things have calmed down without me doing anything else. I realize that sometimes we have to act momentarily, but if it can wait...post and wait for these wonderful experienced(some experiencing, like me) women to guide you through. God speaks through many of them. Hang in there.

Thanks to all of you for your advice and guidance. for you binthere, my hat goes off to you and all the BW who don't have any problem caring and even loving the OW child. I however, have no love at all for the OC and I don't intend for the OC to EVER be a part of my life or my children's. my dh is very much aware that this time he has a choice and that is to have contact with OC and leave this home or remain in this home without contact with OC. for now and i know it is to early to tell, but for now he has chosen to remain home. I AM NOT KISSING MY DH BUTT, he was the one who was wrong, the way i look at it--he has to suffer the consequences. again binthere, good for you but your choice is not mine and i still consider the my OWC a BC and i could care less what happens to it. there was no consideration for my children, so i have no feelings for hers.

Dear lemon,<BR>I totally support your decision to protect your children and your marriage at all costs. Each person has to stand before God with a clear conscience that they are doing what is His will for them. I just wanted to say that OCs can turn out just fine without contact and involvement from MMs family. Not perfect, but nobody's perfect. <P>p.s.Especially since OW has NO CONSIDERATION for your marriage nor your family...

Lemonpie<BR>You can stay with a cheater who took vows with you, but you can say you care less what happens to an innocent child! Grow up Lemonpie!

I'm sorry, but I feel I must put my two cents in. <P>Bonniebb, why do you keep picking on lemonpie? I agree with her. It has been 5.5 years since "discovery" for me. No contact with OW, or 2 OC's, for 5 years now. Do I feel bad? No. But then again, my H might. But you know what? H makes his own choices. I will not feel guilt for his choices. I had nothing to do with OW and H's choices in life. I can only live with the present, and do the best that I can. I admire the W's that can accept OC. They are trually blessed. I just see it a different way. <P>I guess, I am trying to survive.<P>ember

Sorry Guys, I'm going against my own advice but I have to respond.<P>BBB,<BR>I don't care about that bit*h's [censored] child anymore than she cared about mine when she was screwing my H.<BR>And yes I am trying to forgive my H. And do you want to know why I am trying to forgive my H ???!!! Because he asked me to !!!! <BR>Slut dog Bit*h has never asked for forgiveness and feels she has done nothing that she needs to be forgiven for. I am absolutley sure that you agree with her and I really don't care that you agree with her.<BR>Jtigger<P>PS<BR>Sorry Guys just had to get it out.

Jtigger, I can really relate to you. ember

Dear Lemonpie,<P>I hope everything has been okay for you.<BR>Like it has been said, we ALL do and say things we<BR>regret. If people do not understand the tremendous<BR>stress you have been under...than they are not <BR>compassionate people. This is a nightmare to go thru.<BR>Emotions rage and once in awhile they get the better of you.<P>You surely are not alone in telling the op off.<BR>It was a great release for me to tell the op what was in<BR>my mind. <P>Stay strong. fluke

to bonniebb, my dh made a mistake, he is not perfect nor am i this is why at this point in time i can stay with him. he never left me or mistreated me and besides the A he is a good h and f. as for the ow, she knew she was with a mm and and SHE decided to have a C and although my dh could have used protection, the ow knowing laid with a mm and knowing had a c that he didn't want. my dh affair lasted 3 1/2 months, this says to me that she had ever intention on getting pregnant. she knew he already had 2 C therefore why she would put herself in this situation is beyond me. in any case, SHE HAD A CHOICE--SHE HAS PUT THAT C IN THE POSITION IT IS IN AND SHE NOW HAS TO ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. as for my dh, he is accepting his responsibiltiy also, since he never agreed to having a C he will not have contact with the C however he will provide C support. the ow can thank herself for putting her C in this situation, what a good mother she is.

Lemonpie, clap, clap, clap, clap. Annoying spice wont get it though. Very good reply. <BR> with love flowerseed