Well here I am again. Everytime I think about what my husband did to me I just want to end it all. Well anyway at first he lied and said that he slept with OW only once. Then he came back and said that it was twice. So from the beginning he lied to me.<P>After a while he said that she was pregant with his child. I ask if he was sure that the child was his and he said yes. When he was born I said that he will not own the child until he does a paternity test. Well he did one and low and behold it is his. We don't have any kids yet. Out first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage and still birth.<P>It hurts that OW bore his child before I did. And it hurts because he did something so terrible to me.<P>sometime I feel like hurting him the same way, but then I realize that I respect myself enough to stay faithfull.<P>I want to tell him to stop seeing the child, but I do not want to turn my husband against me. It hurts me when he is around. Their relationship lasted for 4 months. And in that space she managed to get pregnant for my husband.<P>what a slut. I don't know if I can ever trust my husband again. I often ask him what did I do wrong for him to cheat on me, and he just said that it was a mistake.<P>I want to save my marriage, but don't know if I have the strength to live with a cheating husband. The child is always going to be in his life, and I don't want to compete with it for his affection and attention.<P>What do u suggest for someone who hurts so much that they just want to end it all.<P>Lakelle

Lakelle,<BR>Please see about an anti-depressant. Please. It has helped me face so much in this past 10 months.<P>Are you in counseling?<P>If your H wants you and your marriage it is imperative that he ceases seeing that baby.<P>You must heal with him and be strong enough to begin to deal w/oc issues.<P>I feel your pain. It's probably immeasurable at this time. It was/is for all of us here. I wish I could fast-forward your life to get you past the beginning pain but I can't.<P>I prayed constantly. Even when I felt my prayers weren't being heard and wondered how God could allow such a horrible tradgedy happen to me...TO ME!!!!!<P>God hears and answers all prayers in his own way and own time. Try psalm 143. I still pray it daily. <P>Let us know if H will stop seeing baby while you heal your marriage. Once you're on steady ground you and he will decide what's best TOGETHER.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Lakelle,<P>I too am in your situation. My H had a child born of his 7-year affair (yes I am stupid and did not suspect a thing, we lived very independent but loving lives). I too do not have any children and have no chance of bearing children. I was born w/o a uterus. We are in the process of adopting children, but I know what you mean about someone else being able to do so easily what you have not been able to do--have a child with your husband.<P>I also was very suicidal after Dday. About 2 months after Dday I checked myself into the hospital for depression. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I needed the help and the staff was very compassionate. After a week in hospital, I entered a day program where I was in group therapy eight hours a day. I only wish I had checked it out a little more thoroughly-I really wanted the luxury hospital with mud baths, mineral water, spa food, and massages -- what I got was a little closer to Cuckoo's Nest. that's okay -- when I got out, I made my husband take me to Bermuda for the spot part. A spot combined with snorkeling -- now there's an idea.<P>I urge you to get appropriate help. If you don't have the resources please ask your doctor for references to low cost counseling or ask at your church (if you have one).<P>I have heard from other newbies that this isn't the most helpful thing they have been told, but it is the most true thing that I know--it does get better with time. No matter what you decide--work on your marriage or divorce, the pain does subside with time. We are 1 year past Dday and things are getting better and better every day. It took a long time for my H to begin to turn around. I had an easier time forgiving him than he has had forgiving himself.<P>What you decide to do about the child has *got* to be a decision that you make as a couple. We do have visitation but we are blessed that OW and OC live 2000 miles away so that there is very little daily interference in our lives. We go out there 4 or 5 times a year. Well that's our plan, we have been 3 times so far since January and will probably go once more between Thanksgiving and Christmas.<P>Trust will come slowly, probably very slowly.<P>I suggest that you read all the materials on this site written by the Harleys'. I think that their advice is a little unconventional (it seems to require most of the work by the betrayed spouse, at least in the beginning). <P>Please keep posting here. There are lots of others here on this site who are in your same situation.<P>Shalom,<BR>Mrs. Job

PS My answser to the "Why did God let this happen to me?" question was to remind myself that this was not a result of anything God did. It was a product of my H's sin. We live in a broken world and we are susceptible to the consequences of our sins (not the problem in this case) and the sins of those around us.<P>Anyway, it help me to feel less persecuted to remind myself that God didn't do this to me and it wasn't His will.<P>I also was able (after a few months) to remind myself that my H probably didn't do this to me. It had much more to do with his own problems than it had to do with me (not that I was entirely blameless in our marriage).<P>MJ

I know how you feel. However, if your H has already been seeing he child, it seems to me he has already made the choice to have this innocent child in his life. I feel it would be very wrong to have him "cease" visitation with the child. If you cannot accept that he has chosen this path and the he did make the choice to stray from your marriage, I think the only thing to do is leave. I think it's very wrong to want to stay in the marriage but try to erase the OC and act as if the marriage is the same as it was before. It's not the same and never will be, but that doesn't mean it won't work. It's HIS decision whether or not to act as a father to his child and your choice to either accept that and stay or to leave.

bonniebb,<P>***It's HIS decision whether or not to act as a father to his child and your choice to either accept that and stay or to leave. ***<P>See, thats how we know that you are an OW and not a BS. Only a OW doesn't understand that in a marriage it is never "his" choice or "her" choice it is THEIR choice. Now why don't you take your own advice and just leave.<BR>Jtigger

Lakelle,<P>When you say end it all I'm assuming you mean your marriage not anything else am I correct? I don't want to give any advice until that's cleared up. Take care and stay strong.<P>Unsure

Lakelle,<BR> So sorry for you pain. I in the beginning felt like I wanted to end it all also. My life, my marriage. I know it hurts so bad but you can make it. There are alot of us that have. It takes time.<BR> I'm one of the lucky ones that h choose not to have oc in our lives. You and your marriage comes first not oc. Is your h willing to not see oc? I hope so you need time to heal.Just come here and talk to us we can help get you through this. Dont let bonnie bee in her bonet bother you she comes here no and again to hurt those in pain.<BR> with love flowerseed <BR>

I have almost the exact same situation. My H and I have been married for over 6 years. We have been having trouble conceiving as well. We have not even been pregnant yet. <BR>In June of 2000, my H was told that it will be difficult to conceive because of his fertility. So much for that theory!<BR>H and exOW were intimate for no more than 3 months. They had sex no more than a dozen times, yet she gave birth to OC in February of this year. It is H!!!! DNA proved that in March.<BR>We have been trying to conceive for over three years! She told him she couldn't conceive anymore either. Don't you just love these doctors. The miracle of modern medicine...its all bullsh@t!!!<BR>We have visitation with OC, but it was our decision together. I am able to see OC as an innocent, frankly, OC and I have that in common. The issue for me and visitation is not OC. It is the fact that OW will always be there. I sometimes wish that I had not agreed to visitation, but I cannot go back on it now. I do love OC, and enjoy our visits with him. I just wish exOW would fall off the face of the earth.<BR>I feel your pain. I have my good days and my bad days. It is coming up on a year for D-day so lately they have been more bad than good. I still just take it one day at a time.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>PS My answser to the "Why did God let this happen to me?" question was to remind myself that this was not a result of anything God did. It was a product of my H's sin. We live in a broken world and we are susceptible to the consequences of our sins (not the problem in this case) and the sins of those around us.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>AMEN Mrs.Job, AMEN!!!!!<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....