I am coming to you all for a lift. I am in a real slump lately. It's been 5 months now. Made it over the hurdle of the OW meeting. Handled that ok, but then you always rehash in your mind what you should have said, or digest what the OP says. My conclusion out of the meeting was that she really didn't understand why she has to give up her friendship with H. She did say she would copy me on any emails to H concerning children, so hopefully she will stick to her word. But the other night H and I had to sit down and figure out visitation schedule for the next couple of months. After a short while I had to leave the room as it just is so difficult to have to schedule my life around visits with two oc, rememembering that we are now empty nesters with our own children as of this fall and should be free to do what we want with our time now, and I am ashamed that I do resent it. I know that in the very near future it will be coming out public. OW will be soon talking to the 3 year old that indeed H is her father. How did you other women feel the when the oc called your H daddy? It is so difficult knowing that my 22year D still calls H daddy every time she sees him, and I feel oc are taking away something special from my children, does that make any sense at all? Did any of you women who do have visitation with oc feel any resentment in the beginning, and just with time grew to overlook the situation? I guess I just have so many insecurities right now, I am afraid that I will look at ocs and think of all the hurt this A has brought to me, and not want to bond with them. <BR>Any advice or words of encouragement from the over 5 month <BR>recovery group sure would be appreciated. <BR>Right now I feel like there is such a dark cloud hanging over me, and it is really taking alot of the pleasure out of everyday life.<BR>And yes we are in counselling. <P>Tina

Tina,<BR>Your feelings are normal. Have you shared them w/H?<BR>If it's too much for you at this time be honest and say so.<P>You and your H should be first and all else should come when you both are comfortable.<P>Maybe this all is happening too fast.<P>FRIENDS?<P>NEVER!<P>In most affairs after discovery, the WS should break off contact for good. In our situation, when visitation happens it's not reasonable to have NO contact forever. It's sad. If it's harming you mentally tell your H.<P>Wish you peace.....<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited September 20, 2001).]

Couldn't OC call your H by his first name? Daddy implies many things... Things that your H cannot be, like full-time?? Nope, does not seem fair to your family--your legitimate children...<P>Is he really going to attempt to fulfill that role? Seems like a lot to ask of the both of you...<P>Are you okay? What about policy of joint agreement. Does your H realize how this is all impacting you and how you feel inside? I could be wrong but, to me this doesn't sound like "enthusiastic agreement" on your part? He should be made aware of what all this is doing to you inside, don't you think?

p.s. And if I were you, I would not be "ashamed of resentment." You don't resent OC, you resent OW because she just simply didn't get it... <P>She didn't get it that this is not going to be one big old huge happy family.<P>She didn't get it that she can never be fully accepted by you--ever.<P>She didn't get it that she needs to leave your husband alone. Period. End of discussion.<P>She didn't get it that she needs to communicate with YOU regarding OC matters, when and if any.<P>She didn't get it and she probably won't get it, esp. if she intends to have OC calling your husband "daddy!"<P>Let's just pray for her that she will get it and find a loving stepfather for OC. I know it sounds sorta cold, but it's the life she created for her kid when she decided to mess around with a married man. Nothing could ever make the situation easy for any of you. It's going to be tough for all involved no matter which road you choose.<P>I heard a funny joke that might give you a lift? We can laugh because we are not divorced, AND because we are not in that kind of pain but I have a friend whose divorce was NOT amicable and she cracked up when I shared this joke with her. Are you ready?<P>What do you do when you see your ex-husband rolling around on the floor moaning in pain? (Shoot him again!) I apologize if anyone was offended at this joke. It was NOT meant to be insensitive whatsoever.<P>Try not to be too hard on yourself. This is a long haul you are in for and you had no idea of what you were facing when you were weighing your decisions. You may in fact decide that this is not something that you can handle after all? You have the right to change your mind.

Thanks Gem and Bin,<BR>Yes H is definately aware of what this is doing to me emotionally. I woke up this morning with an email from OW(which she had agreed to keep me informed on anything that she was emailing H )telling us that she spent 3 hours last night at emergency room with one of the oc. While I do feel bad for the child not feeling well I see what a long hual I have coming up for the next 18 years of broken bones, illness, sore throats, all constant reminders of what H has agreed to be apart of in the future. <BR>Bin, I did like your joke, no offense taken here. <BR>Tina

Tina,<P>What you're feeling is normal, I don't think. I know I couldn't be with my H if he still worked with exOW. You're a stronger woman than I am to still want to move forward and fight for your marriage (with h and exOW working together) I commend you for that. As for your feelings of resentment are you wrong? Heck no this is the time in your life that all parents look forward to an empty nest. And because of H betrayal, he's added another 18 years of things you didn't ask for or even imagined. I like you trusted my H I never thought he would disrespect me and get someone else pregnant. We had a model marriage we were best friends and everything went wrong. All my resentment and anger is directed at my H. I don't hate the OC but it helps that H has chosen no contact until exOW calms down and gets over him. It hurt me to see him kiss OC; he kissed her good bye in court because exOW was looking at my every action. I smiled brightly and look on as if it was the cutest thing in the world but it hurt inside. When I brought it to his attention he apologize for being inconsiderate of my feelings. It was a lot for me to swallow in one day. Seeing OC for the first time and all the drama that happened in court that day. <P>Are you sure exOW doesn't want to be in H life? Why would she want to work with someone she's had an affair with and has two children by? From what you wrote in your first post H ended the A not her. It's sad she just doesn't get it and she probably never will. Stay strong and put yourself first. That's important. You're in my thoughts and prayers.<P><BR>Unsure

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Visitation with the OC is hard. In my case I couldn't have it any other way. It's not just OW who chose to give OC this kind of life, it was H too. It's not a good situation no matter how you look at it. I had major shock. My husband ALSO has 2 OC. I don't know why he lied and said it was one. In fact the OW had twins, a boy and a girl. Financially we can afford the support no problem, but emotionally it does take it's toll. I am doing my best and I can't imagine them calling their Dad anything BUT Daddy when they are able. Yes, this does take something away from our children, but so would a divorce. There is no way to make the situation go away, people will hury - us wives, the OC, our children. There is just no way to make that any different. Our OW has been pretty decent. I know she still wants my H but I can't stop that. And I do make sure I am involved with all contact and H has cooperated. Still, I often feel intense hatred when I look at him. OF COURSE he's cooperative now. What else is he gonna be? They want to stay HOME. It's where all the comfort is. Mostly I am ok and we are in therapy, but really and truly, how can you ever totally forgive them?

Hmmm, Bonnie. I wish you'd make up your mind. Before this you said specifically that you did NOT have contact and that you were NOT involved in communication between h and ow. You said that you expected your h to have contact but that you personally would not be involved with it at all.<P>But now you're totally involved in all contact? <P>Then how is it that you are involved in ALL contact and somehow did not notice that you were visiting with 2 oc instead of just one?<P>And if you HAVE just found out that there are twins, it would stand to reason that the twins must be very young indeed - otherwise you would have known earlier that there were two babies instead of one.<P>But if they're just babies, how is it that they are already talking and calling your h "daddy"?<P>What you're saying just doesn't make sense at all. Your story changes completely from one post to another. There are glaring inconsistancies from one day to the next.

Tina i know exactly how you are feeling. yes now I do have contact with oc and I love the oc but BELIEVE me it was not always that way. For over one whole year i told my husband no contact or this family was gone. He satayed but i knew he was always thinking of the oc and not feeling like a man because he wasn't involved with his child. i didn't care I figured he amde the mistake so he could pay the price. I wevntually realized that I was madly in love with my hubby and part of truely loving someone means not causeing them pain. I no longer wanted him to hurt the way he had hurt me do I agreed to visiatation, we went after shared custody but didn't get it, anyway you bet it hurt like hell seeing him hug and kiss another child and watching our kids hug and kiss the oc and then eventually i realized the oc was a part of MY family. the oc gets to have my family not the ow. she is the one missing out not me or the oc. I am sure it kills the ow that the oc is a part of MY family but that is her problem. As far as the oc calling my hubby daddy I don't think my hubby would have it any other way, the oc calls hin dada and me by my first name there are enough blended families that most don't say anything and if they do shame on them because i am a saint!

I am coming up on a year of DDay. I have known about the OC since before he was born. I had some time to get used to the idea. I dont know if that makes a difference. Due to a family history on both sides...too long a story to detail...it was understood that visitation would occur. <BR>We have no children of our own so I dont have any of those issues at this time.<BR>The only thing I regret about visitation is that exOW has to be involved at all, but it comes with the package. I have my good days and bad days, but I am never angry with OC, just H and exOW.