I need to know the reasons why you do not want OC in your life?? I myself do not want OC in my life for a few reasons and I was wondering if I am alone in theses thoughts, 1. daily reminder,do not want to think about it more than I do already 2. want H to have nothing to do with OW, 3. DO NOT want my family to know ( his alreay does and I find I have distaced my self from them) also if my sisters found out they would think I am wrong not wanting this OC in my life, not because they really think that just to be nasty to me, screwed up family I have eh? 3.Do not think it is fair to my 3 children or to the OC, 4. honestly there are also feelings of jeaulosy because the OC is not mine, ( I have not put too much thought into that one too scary)I also have a strange thought that if my Children knew and my family knew then I might be able to see other child and not to be a real ***** but that would really piss off the OW I know that should not be a factor and itreally isn't because it will never happen because if my children or family ever find out I will leave my H and move away because honestly I can not deal with them knowing, now I realize this is a mixed message here but if you read it it kinda makes sense and I was just wondering if anyone else felt this push me pull you thing, The other thing is my H did see the Oc 2 times a month for about 5 months behind my back and feels nothing but curiosity and a slight sense of resposibility due to thhe fact that she kept asking him if he was going to be responsible for OC, she did not want money she wanted him to move in with her haha like that would happen anyway he did stop seeing OC realizing it was not fair to anyone involved but I think he is getting curious again,it has been about 7 months since he has had any contact with them, My mind just will not stop thinking about it and I am afraid that one day I will lose it so any opinions would really help

I now do not wish for baby to be part of our schedule because after being patient and kind and setting up first actual visit by practically BEGGING ow....she was nothing but awful to me.<BR>Has said I can't call. Has not ever used special phone line set up for her.<BR>Refused us a fathers day visit because I called instead of H.<BR>Posed as his wife in church bulletin causing H and I to leave and join another parish.<P>Repeatedly leaves messages on H's business answer machine telling him he made the wrong choice, she'd have a dozen more of his miracles, she'd rock his world, she'd give him all the money he could want.<P>Tells him she was more than a one night stand and she loves him and will wait for him.<P>THEN calls cell phone from phone booths etc. so H doesn't know it's her.<P>Now e-mails my son (I had her blocked) to say how she wants baby to have him for a brother...have a big happy family...she'll let us see him w/o being involved...let him be an uncle to son's future child...we are missing out on God's special blessing...there's a reason he was born and needs H to father him. Now son blocked her. Her D instant messaged son to say like father like son(refering to son's fiance's pregnancy) son now blocked her too.<P>I cannot take HER any more. It's a packaged deal if we pursued visits. I am not mentally stable enough to keep letting her insert herself whenever she pleases. She give me the finger when we're alone driving. She's e-mailed me calling me names and saying how beautiful and young she is.<P>Just too much to constantly deal with. We've had to drop the issue as it was damaging to our happiness.<P>Good answer? Hope it was clear.<P>love<BR>Debi <P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear neverforget,<BR>It's hard enough that your marriage is recovering from an affair without expecting you to emotionally support OC. Personally, I think it's too much of a burden for a BS, but there are some out there who are very much up to the challenge and I commend them as I always have.<P>IF my H had an affair that produced a child... I have not been there nor done that and hopefully I won't have to, but the way I feel now, as a wife and mom, there is NO WAY I would enthusiastically agree to my H being in contact with an OW that he had an affair with regardles of OC(s). The attraction/temptation would never disappear between them, for one... At least in my narrow mind, I don't see how it could????????? Maybe I'm wrong, but you have to admit the (sexual) attraction was there before?! Right? So why wouldn't they see each other in that light again if given the right opportunity?<P>At this point in my life, there is no way I could do it. Call me weak, call me selfish to want to preserve my marriage at all costs, and at this point, saying this to you right now, I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt. Why? Because I know OC can be raised to be a productive, godly person without contact from the MM's family.<P>I wish you could ask my OC what his inner struggles are or have been, but I'm sure they would pale in comparison to yours! BS gets to add insult to injury with OW carrying her husband's child! UGH! Not that the child is an insult, just prolongs recovery from the affair because of CS issues and esp. if OW won't let go of MM.<P>You can't miss someone who was never in your life, can you? I mean, you can fall in love with the idealistic view of what a parent woulda/coulda/shoulda been? But that is simply not reality and no sense in beating your head against a brick wall. That's just life. We deal with it. Kids are extremely tough. Just look at the kids who are involved in all these marriages going through all this crap. They are survivors! <P>Personal pain is relative, but my particular OCs identity crisis has been resolved in Christ!!! Float your boat, woman! I ain't mad at ya!

Hi Neverforget,<P>There aren't clearcut answers for this dilemia.<BR>What works for one, may not work for another.<BR>I commend those of us who are working on visitation.<BR>As you can see, not everyone came to this conclusion<BR>overnight. <P>As for me, we dont have any connection to oc.<BR>His mother only wanted money without dna test.<BR>We are left picking up the pieces of our marriage.<BR>It still pains me to think my H has a son out there<BR>that we have no control or say in his upbringing.<BR>For us, the best option was to focus on our marriage<BR>and family. There's enough work there to keep us busy!<P>I understand your feelings...<BR>Do what is best for YOUR family. She can take care of<BR>hers. Life is full of hard choices. Guilt can keep you<BR>down for too long. Hold your head up and know we all<BR>care about you.<BR>Take care, fluke

neverforget,<BR> I have the same feelings as you. I think my family would be so disappointed and discusted that my h wouldnt have a very good life if they knew. I have three big brothers. <BR> I think for the most part my reasons are I have been raising kids since I was 14yr old. I'm 40 now our youngest is 6yrs old. I had my tubes tied after the last child because I have been raising babies long enough. I'll be damed if some tramp that chooses to try to snar a man by using a child will polute my life anymore then she already has. I dont feel any guilt anymore. I leave that to ow she knew what she was doing she can figure the mess she made out for herself.<BR> I guess for the most part I feel her or her child has no place in this family,She never had any right in the first place to be involved in my family and she never will.<BR> with love flowerseed

I want nothing to do with OC. In my case H has children with OW previous to our being together. I don't even want to call her by her name. I always refer to her as "your other child". H goes to visit every other Sunday. I have no problem with him visiting his children. I just don't want him to even talk to OW at all. Kind of hard though. I wish he would see the kind of person she is. I've had a low opinion of her since I first "met" her...way before the affair.<P>It made me very angry when he told me he can't turn his back on her after all he father her...well he turned his back on his wife and son to father her.<P>I don't want my son to ever know. I've told no one in my family. <P>I understand your feelings.<P>Take care,<BR>Why

neverforget, i know EXACTLY how you feel because i'm also feeling the same type of pain. my dh kept his OC a secret for almost 3 years and was visiting every two weeks so I know what your thinking and feeling. since dday my dh has not seen child and he has assured me that he wouldn't at this time. he told me if he desired to see OC he would let me know. i personnally think he is giving me time to cool off (it's only been 2 months since discovery)with the hope that i would change my mind and let him see OC. he told me he didn't think it was good for a C not to know their F. i then asked him did he think it was good for a C to know their F cheated on the M and produced a C. shut his [censored] up. so for now their is no contact with OC. however the OW he started to get very nasty because he has not seen child so this may be another issue you have to deal with. stick to your guns, if you don't want any contact don't. i told my dh, you kept is a secret for all this time, i suggest you continue to do so.

Dear NeverForget,<BR>I certainly understand all the feelings you are having. Sometimes I feel like the Little Engine that Could, next day I feel like Eyeore and doom and gloom. I still do not have contact with 2OC but H does. Like you I am concerned about the daily reminders of what the ocs represent. I also have not confided in any of my family, as they would expect me to leave H immeadiatly. It is very difficult not having someone to confide in, as I also have not told any of my friends or coworkers, as this situation is to humiliating to me. My OW also never asked for money, just the same old question, "what responsibility do you want reguarding the children"? And obviously H could see oc anytime because ow was and still is his assistant. But he has just recently begun to take responsibility as in visitation and childsupport (5 months). I keep putting off meeting the children as I am not ready yet. Like I said some days I really think "who cares what anyone thinks, I can do this", the next day, I am an emotional wreck. <BR>So I truely understand exactly what you are feeling, and hope for the best for you. <BR>Tina