I have been lurking about for about two weeks and feel that I could post now, if I can ever get my thoughts together!<BR>About five months ago, OW called me and told me about OC that she had with my H. I never would have thought that my H was capable of such a thing (we learn, don't we?)the kick in the pants though, was the fact that the OC is two weeks older than our firstborn D (almost two in NOV.) OW emotionally blackmailed my H for almost two years threatening to tell me, etc. etc. My H had a three-night stand in one month with her and she called him two months later to tell him that she was pregnant and insisted that it was his. Being naieve that he is, he signed the birth certificate under duress. (I believe my H as he never lied to me before and our relationship is hard to explain in a post of this size.) Let's just say, I know when he is telling the truth. Once the cat was out of the bag, he changed our phone numbers, his pager number and we contacted an attorney for a DNA test etc. I refuse for this woman to tell me what she is gonna do to me...<BR>This woman is obsessed with my hubby even before we married.<BR>They had sex on occasion, to my hubby it was sex, I knew about her before we married. She would stalk and harrass him.<BR>When we married, he told her he was married to me and have a nice life. She waited two years, caught my H at a weak moment, they had a three night stand, he called it quits and two years later I find out.<BR>We are in marriage counseling and H has decided on no contact, although by law we have to pay child support. my H doesn't believe in abortion, but wanted to give the child up for adoption. She wanted any part of my H's life and kept telling him over the last two years that he was going to change his mind and leave me and our four children and fall in love with her and marry her. My H emphatically told her no.<BR>The reason that he delayed in telling me was I had a bad MC before our pregnant with our First D together, then I had a MC after her and then I got pg with our Son. My H was afraid I would MC with the news and wanted to find a "right" time to tell me.<BR>of course, when my son was two weeks old, OW took it upon herself to call and tell me.<BR>I insisted on a paternity test and this Friday we will have the test done.<BR>We filed first to protect our interests(from what I read, I don't think there is much to protect us) and she harrassed my H at work (he's a cop) and then mailed a letter addressed to both of us. I stopped that in the bud by sending her a note telling her of my intent to file a paternity suit and we don't hear from her. To this day she still doesn't have an attorney and showed up in court giving my H dirty looks and telling my attorney that she isn't going to fight H on anything.<BR>Time will tell, I have my doubts as to the paternity, but know well enough not to hold my breath. I assume it's his until I am told otherwise.<BR>My H chose not to see the OC. He will be placing a restraining order on OW.<BR>I hold both OW and H responsible for this mess. I hold them both accountable for creating an innocent life. I do not blame the child. But for our marriage, we chose not to have any involvement. We will pay our CS etc. as required by law. I believe my H. We are in marriage counseling and trying to build our lives together. Do I have trust? No..he blew 16 years of trust out the window. He has to work at that. He chose not to have anything to do with OC, but his family is giving ME grief for that. Apparently his parents feel that I should embrace the child, which I cannot and will not do. OW made her choice of being a single mother when she refused adoption and had unprotected sex with my H.<BR>These will be a long two weeks for me (waiting for the results). I hope I can get on with life. I have grieved, I have been angry and every day I look for a reason to stay. (My four children being one of them).<BR>I read these posts with interest and understand that what we choose may not be what others would choose, but I hope to learn from here and give as well as receive support for whatever people decide.<BR>Thanks for listening...<BR>Twiisty

to clarify our four children, my first two (8 and 6) come from a previous marriage, my H (now) takes care of them as his own as my ex doesn't pay CS or health insurance. Then my D and S we have together, ages almost 2 and 5 months old now. Didn't want to confuse anyone as to think I was trying to deceive or anything....kinda new at this posting thingy!<P>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....

twiisty, Sorry you are another having to deal with this nightmare. There is hope the test could come back that it isnt your h and you can at least put that part of this mess behind you. We will all be wishing with all our hearts you get to be one of the lucky ones. You will find alot of wonderful people here. Everything your feeling is normal change a few things in your post and I could say our storys are almost the same. Again so sorry for this to have happened to you and your family. <BR> with love flowerseed

twiisty, I forgot to tell ya I really like this . I think I'll copy it and put it where I can read it often.<P>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....<BR> with love flowerseed <BR>

Flowerseed,<BR>Thanks for replying...I, too, hope I am one of the lucky ones, but will not hold my breath...it seems that with the way my life has been, it is probably his...but then again...we struggled with infertility and my H was told by our Dr. that he has a low sperm count...took us almost a year and a half to conceive our D. I know that it's possible for OW to have conceived, but I am not sure it could be his...but we shall know soon enough. The fact that H did the deed was enough to break my heart. But I know my H and I know our relationship. Unless I am proven wrong, I know that we will work together...my biggest fears is that he will change his mind down the road and that he will see OC behind my back. I just ask for him to tell me honestly his feelings. He told me that he made up his mind. It was adoption for him since OW made his life a living hell the last two, almost three years, He has no qualms about not seeing either one of them.<BR>I know that once court is over with and we know in two weeks the results of the test, we can go on from there.<BR>I am pretty much trying to be at peace with myself so I can care for my four children. I don't know what to think at times. <BR>Anyways, thanks again for replying and I hope to catch on quick here with this type of posting!!!<P>Sincerely,<BR>Twiisty<P>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....

twiisty, My h also wanted ow to give oc up but she would have lost her bait. I also got a phone call informing me of oc when he was 2 weeks old. She had to try one last time to see if she could break us up. I was in total shock for quit some time. <BR> I made him call her that same night and give her an answer as to whether he wanted the child in his life or not. He choose not. I never really worried about him wanting to see oc down the rode, until I had read it on here that some h did sneak behing backs to do it. So then it did start bugging me so finally I just came out and asked. If you could have seen the look on his face he thought I was nuts. He is very ashamed of the fact that he ever got any where near this thing let alone had sex with her. He hopes ow will find someone else to be oc dad and adopt him. It sounds like you guys stand a good chance that its not his. <BR> with love flowerseed <BR>

Flowerseed....<BR>it seems that our situations are kinda similar like you said...did you go ahead and do the paternity test, or you pretty sure that was the deal? (Not to get personal). I really don't know what to expect.<BR>Are you paying CS? Not trying to be nosy...just wondering what to expect, is all....<BR>Hugs,<BR>twiisty<P><BR>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....<p>[This message has been edited by twiisty (edited September 26, 2001).]

twiisty, Yeh we went and had the test. When she first called sh said all she wanted was to know if he wanted anything to do with his son. <BR> Then police show up with papers ow was sueing for child support. H wanted test done she thought he would just pay support. Test came back he couldnt be ruled out. Yes he has been paying ever since. We went in and agreed to the amount the courts said. Ask anything you want its o.k. Gotta get little one in bath try to come back later.<BR> with love flowerseed

twiisty, I am always looking back or up. Now I know why I stumble so much. <P>ember

Ember...lol. I needed that.<P>Twiisty,<P>Hi there. I need to apologize for not posting much tonight. Trying to study and decided to take a quick break to see what was going on over here. I will be praying it is not his and will post more in a few days. My oc will be 2 in October. We have no contact and had dna test done and of course he is not ruled out...but there is no way I could have lived with a doubt about it. I had to know. She sued for support..we filed for joint...she dropped her case and we havent heard too much since. Good riddens to her. Have you had much in the means of a support group? I am glad you found us if you happen to wake up and find yourself in this situational nightmare.<BR>Love<BR>bw

Twiisty,<BR>Your h is doing all the right things ...now.<BR>His family truly shocks me! My in-laws never mention oc.<P>The no-contact is ok because you both decided on that.<BR>As time goes on I can't ever deal w/visits because I know how much ow still loves my h.<P>We had 1 visit.<BR>Ow demanded my h set up visits and wouldn't talk to me to do schedule.<P>I set up first visit. Apparently ow couldn't take that. That was in May when baby was 4 weeks old.<P>Since then she has done everything in her power to split us. Letters and cards filled w/love to h and guilt over h not being full time dad.(?)<P>Phone calls to business and cell phone.<P>Doing inappropiate things to me any time she drives by. (I however got her back on 2 occassions).<P>So far nothing from her atty. on what's going on.<P>In the meanwhile h and I are planning a wedding for son and GF ....we're gonna be GRANDPARENTS in April!!!<P>I feel God let this happen to take our mind off of ow/oc and move forward as always...together as a family w/o outside interference. A blessing, don't you think?<P>You are new to all of this. I do suggest counseling asap. Alone if you must.<P>Prayers to you.<BR>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Twiisty,<P>Just wanted to give you some support and let you know you're in the right place. This is the great place to vent. It looks like H head is in the right place. Has he had involvement with OC before you found out?<P>My H has now chosen no contact he not happy about it but feels he has no choice. exOW has him to the point of wanting to physically harm her. She showed a lot of disrespect to our family. To the point of telling a doctor about our situation when my doctor was out of town and I had to go to hers. And she was in the lobby making a huge that scared my children. I have no problem with H having contact with OC. But I have to put my family well being first. It's exOW responsibility to act sane and then she would have a father for her child. I like you blame my H for the A he was the one I dedicated my life too. But I blame exOw for all her crazy vindictive actions. Like others I hope it's not your H child but if it is put your family first. You're in my thoughts and prayers.<P><BR>Unsure<P><BR>

Hi Twiisty!<P>Best wishes. Just wanted you to know I'm holding my breath along w/ you. For you and for me. Our paternity test is due back this week. Im like you, I think its H's cause I know OW had a crappy life & my H is the best thing she ever had. I dont think she would have risked alienating him by sleeping around....but I sure hope she did and that the test is negative. I will literally jump for joy!! <P> My H is putting forth the best effort he can toward me & our kids, but OW text messages him and pulls at his heart strings. (He has asked her in the past & as late as last week not to call or text him, but shes miserable I guess, and gets some comfort just from sending him a message.) Like today, he was home when one came in. It said "its so very hard not talking with you. Do you feel the same?" He knows about her crappy past, and that in the future she will probably have a crappy life as well, & he feels guilt and pity. This always makes us argue, no matter how well things were going before. I think, after 7 months since DD, hes only NOW beginning to see her for who she really is, not who she portrayed her self to be for the few hours they were together ech week of the A,...10 months:{ Like you, (and most of us) I was shocked,& could hardly believe my H did this. I always "knew" we were one of those couples that were truly happy and would always be together! Like you said..we live and learn!! His OW lives 1,500 mi. away so at least he cant see her, or sneak off to see OC. We are still trying to decide about that. He thinks he wants to. Paternity was done privately, not thru the law. We have been advised not to pay child support until we know for sure, as the courts may see you as the father, even if the test is negative, then you'll be stuck paying anyway. She didnt want the law involved & said she doesnt want any CS. (that may be true for now, but that can always change.)<P>I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, will you for me?

Tomorrow H goes in to give his DNA sample. I don't really know what to expect. The lab called today to confirm some things and as usual, "can't give out information unless H specifically says we can to you" kinda thing. Sent me into orbit. Which then proceeds into anger, distrust...the whole cycle again. I am really angry right now about this whole thing anyway. I do not like not being in control and being at the mercy of court, the lawyer, the lab...anything. The only thing I can control is keeping OW at bay and I have done that. I stopped her harrassment when I sent her a very concise and to the point note that I wasn't going anywhere and she can leave me and H alone. It has been quiet from her end, and we think she is on her best behavior until court is finished as she can't afford or won't get an attorney.<BR>OW gave the OC our last name which was against my H's wishes. I am steamed about that. She (OW) is so desparate to be a part of my H's life that she told our lawyer that she isn't going to fight anything and since we filed for JOINT she said that H can have liberal vistation etc. as much as he wants. We are withdrawing our bid for joint as H never intended to have visitation anyway. OW just wants to be a part of H's life no matter what. That irritates me. Luckily it isn't going to happen for her. We will nip that in the bud and in court. <BR>I am in orbit right now.... gotta try to calm down...my son gets upset when I am upset and he's almost 6 months old.<BR>*******<BR>Ember, thanks for the laugh and your response! <P>Broken_wings, thanks for the prayers and offer of hope. I wish our OW would drop off the face of the earth!!!<P>gemini1, I am shocked and feel betrayed a second time by my H's family. I have known them since I was 15 (H and I were high school sweeties) and didn't think they were capable of thinking the way they did. They apparently gave me the lines of "blood kin" and "worry about how that child will be raised" and " poor little girl" etc. I kept saying, "what about the four innocent children's whose lives are affected at home???" I told them that OW made her choice in messing with a married man and I hold both responsible. She made her choice too. OW told me on the phone that "she was madly in love with my H and that me and my children don't mean **it to her." I am to allow that kind of person around my children???? I really feel betrayed a second time by his family. We have strained relations right now. My H called them and told them the facts and that they are not to give me a hard time about it anymore. My H set it straight with his family, which surprised me and showed me that he was genuinely sorry for his three-night stand.<BR>Congratulations on the wedding plans! I am excited for you! And a Grandchild in April!!!! Children really are a blessing. I am happy for you!<BR>I do have counseling set up for H and me and for us individually with the same counselor (so she can get to know us and see where both of us are coming from) so far we have learned alot. Thanks for answering!<P>Unsure, thanks for the support. I am surprised to even find some support in here as our situations are all different, yet unless people walk a mile in our shoes, it's amazing that they would do this or that, huh? You asked if H had involvement, very little, under a few hours in the last two years. He showed up for the 1st b-day under duress and the threat of OW calling me. The child is afraid of him and he made sure he met OW in a public place to pay her cash. (he's a dummy...I don't understand what he was afraid of except that I would leave him)<BR>I wonder why I am staying at times though, because this whole thing could have been handled differently. But what's done is done and now we have to live with it.<BR>one good thing out of this is what my H said to me the other day, "it's like what Sarah said to the goblin king off of the movie 'Labryinth' "' You have no more power over me!!!'"<BR>Yeah and after wifey-poo (me) nipped it in the bud. I will never understand him or her for that matter. It takes one coldly worded note from me and it's over...the harrassment...go figure.<BR>Anyway, I hope the OC isn't his either, but if it is, I feel sorry for the child and that we won't have a part in her life. I am at peace with our decision as is H and because of my faith, know in my heart that since the Lord allowed her to be born, I can trust HIM to take care of her.<BR>I told my in-law's that too. I know we can do our part by paying the CS and that's it as required by law.<BR>It is a good lesson that actions have consequences and that which the scripture said, " that which is done in darkness will come to light". UGH!<BR>Good lesson for our kiddo's when they get older though.<BR>Hugs to y'all.....look forward to getting on with my life, unfortunately my emotions won't cooperate!!!!<P>Twiisty<BR><P>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....

Heart of Hope...keeping my fingers crossed for you, please let me know what's up with you. It's a long wait, isn't it?<P>twiisty<P>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....