I was wondering...those of you who chose to have contact and those who chose not to have contact with OC...if you have children together at home (and if they are young, like mine are at 2 and 5 months...) OC and my almost 2 year old are almost two to three weeks apart...*ouch*<BR>anyways....do you and your WS plan to tell your children? (If they already don't know or haven't figured it out) and if so, have any of y'all come up with something to say?<BR>I am curious. I know that my children will have to know when they are older, but not sure of who what etc...<BR>I think I have enough to worry about now,but know that one day will have to address the subject with my children.<BR>Just curious...and wanted to hear y'all's thoughts.<BR>Twiisty<P>------------------<BR>sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up....

twiisty:<P>I'm in a bit of a different situation, in that my wife had the affair, and our 3rd child is a product of that affair. Although our families know about this situation, the older kids (11, 7) don't know about the parentage of the youngest (3).<P>I think honesty is the best policy, although we haven't really decided how or when. In your situation, I think it would depend on whether you are going to have contact with the OC (or if your children will be in proximity---say going to the same school). If you don't plan on contact, I think that this can probably wait for some time.

twiisty, We have one child together she is 6yrs old. I wish she never had to know but I know when she grows up we will have to tell her. I have two grown and one teenager the only one that knows anything is my oldest girl 25. I ended up telling her because she had my first grandchild which is two weeks older then oc.I was so messed up when I found out about oc. Which was when my Grandson was 1 month old I couldnt even look at my Grandson without crying and thinking about oc so I ended up telling her why. The poor girl thought it was something to do with her. If not for that I would have never told her.<BR> with love flowerseed<BR>

twiisty,<BR>I've answered this question many times here and I'll try again. My youngest and OC were born same month. The last marriage counselor we saw had helped other military couples in our (OC) situation, many adultery cases, and even his brother had had an OC! <P>His favorite story was of one no-contact couple who waited until their kids were teens (14 and 15 or 16), made an appointment to tell them in front of the counselor. The dad did all the telling, saying how sorry he was to set them a wrong example which goes against their church beliefs, how much he regretted hurting their mother, and literally cried over creating a child whom he was in no position to raise, who had to grow up without a dad. Then the counselor helped the kids through any questions they had. Their response was very positive, in that they still loved their dad and this explanation actually made them see how painful it was for their parents, and say how they did NOT want to make this mistake as adults. <P>Anyway, counselor advised us not to tell our kids (at that time 1 and 7) until/unless we had visitation w/OC (we have mail contact only), or until they are teens ala above example. The kids' take on the situation will depend on how you handle and present it. Very young kids will only see visiting OC as a playmate; elementary kids may have fears about the stability of the marriage/family and want to blame themselves for any tensions that happen. It is important that that age get lots of love, reassurance and is told this is a grown-up problem, not any fault of ANY kid. <P>I eventually want my kids to know about OC, but they don't need that info today. I want them to know it was wrong and hurt people, but that it is never any child's fault, and that our family needs have to come first. My oldest knew the XOW, was best friends w/her kids, so this will be very horrible info on betrayal of trust.<P>Hope that helped,<BR>Jenny, in recovery 3 years

Dear Twiisty,<P>First welcome, sorry to find yet another new person here.<P>We have very young children also. The oc is 2 mos younger<BR>than our D. We dont have any contact and if they lived<BR>very far away...we probably would let it stay buried.<BR>Unfortunatly they live just a few miles down the road...<BR>there is every chance that our kids may go to the same<BR>school. How do you explain this? <P>But since the op refused to do the test, we dont even know<BR>the TRUTH yet. Nothing like living in limbo and trying<BR>to remain upbeat and hopeful...<P>When our children are older we will consider explaining<BR>to them...if only to keep them from making the same mistake.<BR>But that is a long way off and I hope to be smarter by then!

HI <BR>our children are 5 and 9<BR>they dont know <BR>the youngest has met ow while we were split up and at first after we got back together he would mention her name <BR>(we have to drive by there sometimes on the way to ohter places) it hurt so bad <BR>it was liike lets go to -------'s house <BR>she doesn't fight with my daddy<BR>or id get dressed and hed say you look like ------- she has a coat like that<BR>i guess that was it but now he seems to have forgotten<BR>the only person he remembers with that name is his old preschool teacher<BR>they know nothing of oc<BR>the oldest mine from a previous might would understand more they have a younger half bro now at their bio dads house<P>but i dont want them to ever have to know <BR>(any of them)<BR>we have no contact, pay no cs right now but only time will tell<BR>I really like what jenny said (or waht her counselor said)!!<BR>our counselor believed, too, that it wasn't at all a good situation for the oc to know he came from such a situation<P>

Hi Twiisty,<P>We don't have contact. Not by choice by exOW crazy antics pushed H away. I have two sons 10 & 7 and one D 18 mths. Oc is a girl and is 5 days short of being 9 months younger than my D. (that hurt that it was a girl) My children know youngest wouldn't understand of course. exOW had me arrested and my children witnessed it. So H and I sat with them and explained the entire situation to them. The 2nd hardest day of my life, it brings tears to my eyes to think about the hurt on my boys' faces as I type this. My oldest developed behavior problems. He would have rage one minute and the next minute he would be weepy and crying. He was super over protective of me afraid that exOW would try and kill me or hurt me some how. He hated his father he couldn't believe he would hurt me/him that way. When he asked if we were sure OC was daddy's? I told him we took a test and that it came out that daddy was 99% sure of being OC father, a few weeks later he said Mommy are you sure there's not a man out there that's not 100%. It broke my heart I grabbed him and told him no it was definitely his father's child. He broke down again and we both cried as I held him in my arms. <P>I would have left my H if it was better for my kids and they didn't want him around. I didn't love him for a long time. But my son's C said he was afraid I would leave H and he thought it my hurt my son emotionally at that time. So I stuck it out. It was hard as heck. I've been through h--- and back. exOW is crazy I'm not exaggerating. I've been warned by several of her friends to be careful she might try and physically harm me. My children wanted to see OC really bad but C told me to explain exOW didn't want OC around me so it wasn't possible right now. Now thye don't talk about her. And oe day they told my H you and mommy should have another baby so it will be two girls and two boys. I said you have a sister they both said oh yeah I forgot about her. My D and OC will go to school together hopefully not the same school but they will graduate the same year. She named her D almost the exact same name as my D. Ex. Marie and Maria. Crazy I know. She also forged H name on the paternity acknowledgement form so OC has our last name. (She almost went to jail and the Notary got in a lot of trouble with the state) (H also signed a recssion form so his name is not on the BC and he's not considered the legal father by our state) H insurance co. is already getting claims mixed up. Sorry for rambling just wanted you to hear another side of this crazy situation we BS's find ourselves in.<P><BR>Unsure<BR>

Twiisty,<P>Sorry to have to welcome you to our group. I wanted to say hello and share with you how we "introduced" our kids to their new sister.<P>On the first visit my oldest, then 4, asked "are you her daddy?" And my husband replyed, "yes, she needed a daddy and her mommy asked if I could be her daddy, and I said yes."<P>It was simple enough for a 4 year old to understand that he had a sister, but didn't have to put the "history" behind it.<P>Maybe that approach will help you.<P>Z.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.