Well tonight I am finally going to have a visit for the first time with OC #1. She is 3 1/2, and I am to say the least very nervous. I thought I would make a simple dinner, chicken nuggets and fries, and then maybe she would like to decorate cookies for dessert. It will be a short visit about 2 hours. I have put this off for so long now, H has been visiting for about 5 months now. There is no more excuses for me not to join in visits. Our children 19 and 22 are gone now for school and work. I just need to focus on the fact she is a little girl who just wants to come play with me.(Still does not know that H is father.<BR>Will let you know tomorrow how it goes. This will either make me or break me.<P>Tina

Good Luck! Let us know how things go.<P><BR>Unsure

Tina, Hope everything goes well. I think thats a great plan you have she'll love making cookies.<BR> with love flowerseed

Ok, now I am exhausted. Its been 16 years since I have entertained a three year old. It was very strange meeting this little girl. She looks so much like her mother, so that was a bit difficult. I only made her cry one time. So then of course she had to jump into H lap sobbing. I felt terrible. We did make up by the time the evening was over, I think. All in all I think for a first meeting it went well, and I know H was pleased that I have made this first difficult step. Thanks for well wishes. <P>Tina<P>

I commend you for your courage. It must have been hard after thinking of it for 31/2 yrs. <P> How is OW handling it? Has your H been arranging the visits prior to this? If so was he seeing OW too? Can you pls advise how you worked all this out. <P> Our OC is only 1 month old. Paternity test isnt even back yet, but should be any day. Im guessing its my H's. The one pic she sent (the 1 day old one from hosp.) she looks like OW. That bothers me. Having a little OW running around scares me. We're thinking we want OC in our life if OW agrees to no contact with my H. I dont think she will.<P> Im glad the first visit is over for you. I'l bet they get easier from here on out. WIll you see her alot? Now go take a hot bath, and be glad you can give a 3 yr old back!!! My kids are 17 & 13. I'll be in the same boat as you one day. It must be men our H's age go crazy...is his OW young? "My" OW is 27 :{ Im 46. To think of being a mom again, even part time seems insane, I never would have chosen it for myself, but I love my H. (Go figure.) Good to know others are dealing with the same thing. Best wishes and pls keep us informed. Im very anxious to hear how these visits work out for others. <P>P.S. is your OW single or married? Maybe that makes a difference as to how it will all work out. Everyone is telling me its harder if not impossible if shes married.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}<BR>This cannot possibly be easy for you at all, but here is an excerpt from a Harley Q&A letter on how to handle maintaining contact with OCs. It is written to a man whose wife is expecting an OC:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely? <P>As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Here is the link in case you wish to read the whole thing: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html</A>

Tina you did a great job. What was H like? Mine was so consumed w/emotions and kept saying "thankyou"..then cried at the thought of how hard it was for me. The hard part was being at ow's home to pick c up.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Tina,<P>Had to add my congrats on how well you handled your<BR>first visit. My hat's off to you!<BR>Best wishes, fluke

Thanks Fluke, Gem, BTDT, and Heart, <BR>To Heart of Hope, I just learned of the A and 2 oc 5 1/2 months ago, so I have not had to deal with knowing for the 3 1/2 years. H did not take any responsibility CS or Visitation until after telling me. Unfortunately for me OW will be remaining in our life, and yes she is single, divorced, and 14 years younger than me, also is still working with my H. This is tough, but not impossible, I know it can work, I just have to let go of the past and focus on the future. <BR>Gem, my H also was so appreciative at the effort I made to make the first visit go well. It was difficult watching the interaction between the two of them, and it is not my nature to be so patient and soft spoken with children, either kids love me or are scared to death of me, just have one of those personalities. <BR>Bin, I wish it could be that easy for me to make all the arrangements and not have any involvement between OW and H, but like I said no such luck with the two of them still working together. <BR>My next major hurdle comes when this all comes out in the public. Sofar the only confirmed people who know are H attorney,therapist, and H siblings, (who are all much older), and I am sure all the people gossiping at H's workplace, but has never been vocalized. My parent will never find out! That is the one promise I made my H make. There is no way I could ever convince them why I am trying to save my marriage, and they live 1500 miles away, and never visit here anymore due to health problems and age.<BR> Taking ocs out in public will be very difficult, no way can I pass off having a 3 1/2 year old, let alone a 3 1/2 month old infant. I'm 48. I have yet to see the infant, one step at a time.<BR>I don't know how to express the feeling I have today, sort of like a huge weight has been lifted. <P>Tina

Tina,<P>It sounds like you handled yourself with dignity and grace. Congratulations! that's the best that can be expected.<P>I too see our OC. When we are out in public and strangers ask if she is our daughter, I just say yes. (OC is only 16 months old and I am sure doesn't understand what is being said.) As she gets older I will just correct someone and say, she is my step-daughter.<P>MJ

Tina, I think you are doing great!!!!!!!! My hat off to you. There is one OC but you have to contend with 2 in your life. God is with you. It is especially hard when OC looks likes OW. Our OC does. But I love this little girl. I have this attachment that is so weird yet so nice. You are a strong lady. God bless.

Tina,<P>Just wanted to say I'm glad things worked out for you. I used to Manage a retail store. There was this new trend all these older career women having babies. most of them were in their forties when they had their first child. Also I have an aunt who was 47 when she had her last child. It wasn't planned but it happend. Her oldest D is now 31 her youngest D is 5. <P>Enjoy yourself and don't worry about others.<P><BR>Unsure<P>P.S. I'm sort of terrified of how I will react to seeing H inter acting with OC. I've only seen him hold her once and it hurt really bad to see him kiss and show affection to another child he had by some other woman. So I totally understand how you feel.

Unsure, <BR>Thanks for the encouragement. I work at a children's museum and I also see the older career women come in with the youngsters. <BR>Yes it was very difficult see H showing affection toward another womens child, who looks so much like her. Also if I heard one more time "my mommy does.... my mommy has....my mommy can...." I thought I would go out of my cotton pickin mind. I thought I was going to need pliers to get that frozen smile off my face by nights end <BR>Tina

Tina,<P>LOL! I'm not looking forward to the my mom this my mom that crap either. I think I would want to get up and leave. I would probably spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Good Luck again .<P><BR>Unsure<BR><p>[This message has been edited by UNSure919400 (edited September 28, 2001).]

TINA: Oh my goodness...did I laugh so hard when I read what you said about the pliers needed to take the smile off your face! Just picturing that scenario makes me crack up :}!!!!! There is something really good waiting for you in your future in repayment of your supreme act of kindess in the face of such adversity. ("You reap what you sow.") May God continue to give you strength you need, and may he send a little bit my way too :} P.S. Keep your sense of humor. "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane." (I can quote the BIBLE and Jimmy Buffet in one paragraph, who says I have no talent?!!!)

tina, you are truly a good person, i pray that i will come to the place you are right now. i am so hurt, bitter, angry and full of hate that i hate myself right now. may god bless you for being the sensitive person you are.

LemonPie<BR>Believe me I feel those same emotions you do every day. I am bitter, angry, have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cry and get moody. But you know what? Yesterday I didn't cry, and so far today is going ok also. <BR>The only thing sofar I have heard about my visit with the little darling was that she really didn't want to come play with me again. So how does that make me feel? I am not sure. I am not sure how to approach the visit next time, wait and see if she comes to me or plaster that dumb a** grin on my face and say let's play. That was for you Heart of Hope <P>Tina