at first i thought this question may be to personal but then i thought about this site - all this information is personal LOL- anyway my dh has admitted to me the reason he has been continually giving ow money is because he is afraid to go to court. he is presently giving her $150 every 2 weeks and he thinks the courts will ask him to give more. my question is to those of you who are paying CS and who earn between 50-60,0000 a yr -- how much are you paying in CS and if you had to do it again would you prefer to handling it out of court.

The standard is 20% after taxes, I think I have read that like NY is 17%. My husband pays 20%. Which at his salary of $60,000 is $750 a month. You are getting a deal right now. But remember the ow can turn on you at any minute, and go ask for the back cs. Does your h have proof that he is even giving her this money if he has not proof than it won't count. He needs to give checks or money orders something in written proof not cash. Also the only safe way is to get a lawyer that will draw up papers for her to sign stating that she agrees to that amount of cs. If she does than you could be out of the clear. But with no paperwork, you will be like a target with her waiting to shoot. See if she would possibly sign off on the amount that your h is now giving. Also in my state the ow has a right every three years to ask for an increase. We are barely making it on what we give now, we will not be able to pay our bills if she goes back in a year, and the courts don't care. You would think $750 a month would be plenty, I know my child lives on $100 a month. Oh well, cs is my pet peeve, I think it is too much money. Get the money going out in writing, and try to draw up an agreement before she goes to the courts. Hope I helped.<P>babstr.

My H has to pay $209 a week for 3 kids. He gave them an estimate of his pay (which was why off in OW's favor). He only averages $315 a week according to our taxes last year. I'm so angry. He has to pay about 31 (+ or - 2%) for three. This financial mess is more than I can handle). When he only had 2 with OW he was paying $77 a week. I've got so much stress over this. I made him go to the department of rev. and try to have it ammended. It's been 2 weeks and we have heard nothing.<P>Take care,<P>Why

Money going out, when the C of your marriage are dong without, hurts. Especially when the C of your marriage must sacrifice, unknowingly, for OC.<P>On the other hand, $750 a month might, still, not cover day care for OC for a month so OW may work.<P>This is one reason H and I choose no contact now, or ever. When OC's reach 18, our committment will be filled for CS. There will be no emotional ties to the OC's. And, NO more money taken away from our family. We are not wealthy.<P>I wish there was a law that stated, "A child not born into a marriage, but born of a single woman{other than rape}, is not entitled to CS by the biological father." Can you imagine.<P>ember

Thanks guys for responding, i was pretty P.O. this morning but i have since calmed down. I have filed for CS last week for my 2 children so wouldn't this reduce the amount she would be paid. also guys, i am starting to think that maybe i am wrong for wanting him to see his OC. if he chooses not to see OC than that one thing but for me to force him to do so could backfire in my face and could lead to more lies. he keeps telling me this is the only thing he has trouble with. he says he has no feelings for OW but cannot see himself not seeing the C yet if its what i want he is willing to do. he also said he will not see OC at OW house, he would go to daycare. i am so upset and confused right now. some days i just wish to lay down and die in my sleep.

I'll support that law ember! Whew would that stop a lot of illegitimate births!!!<P>Lemonpie...it's for YOU to decide with your H what you both can and can't live with/witout.<BR>Tell him you fear he'll lie. Ask him what he is willing to do for you to prove he's being honest. If not you'll go insane.<P>There were /are many days I just wanted to go to sleep and just die. That feeling does creep back from time to time as if I'm living a surreal life.<P>If you and your H can agree on every issue w/honesty you'll feel it in your heart. I promise that. When H was 1/2 here and 1/2 there I sensed it even though he denied it. Things felt just as wrong as they did during A. I was in denial at first. Then I plan B'd and to my surprise it worked.<P>I was willing to let go even after 27 years.<BR>I was sick. I also knew God would carry me through as would my huge support system. My sister was the leader and took very special care of me!<P>I will tell you your feelings are no different than anyone of us that were where you are now.<P>Prayers and love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Lemonpie,<P>Have you read up on the POJA(policy of joint agreement)? If you and your H could agree in visitation, contact, etc.. then you could feel more comfortable about it, and not fear lies and deceit if you refuse to have him have visitation. Like many others here, you could see about having a 3rd party be the point of contact, to keep you from having to talk to OW, and keep your H from contact with her as well. I would look into both these things if you are considering having your H have visiataion. It would remove a lot of fear/frustration from having this whole thing start all over again.<P>Tigger

PS..one more thing. I would seriously discuss with your H about the $150 that he is giving the OW a week. The reason is that if this does eventually go to court, it can/will be looked upon as gifts and not CS. They will order that back CS is paid, and not even blink at the amount your H is paying out right now. I forget, are you waiting for the results from paternity testing, or waiting to have the test done? If you are trying to get the test done, I would recommend contacting a lawyer to see about your legal right to have the test done.<P>Tigger

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

tiger, i set up the appointment for her to get the test done and she did not show up. she later told dh that she was going to take him to court. he told me he then asked her why she wanted to take him to court and if she was unsure of him being the F just say so, she said she wasn't unsure and she was not going to have the test done to please me. she said if she had to be embarassed by having her picture taking and being finger printed then she wanted him there with her. he agreed that they would go altogether. thats when i flipped out and said lets just do this legally and go to court. after following the advice of bystander i went and filed for CS last week. i believe my h is still lying because he tells me this A lasted 3 1/2 months but he is convinced the C is his. he told me that he is 95% sure and that he could not agree to not seeing the C and I can't see the C in my life. so i have decided to let go and move on. by the way, today is my anniversary, 19 years and i feel like my heart has been ripped out.<P>whatif, i live in PA.

lemonpie,<BR>If your h is giving ow child support "off the record" the courts can and most often will consider it "a gift" that doesn't count towards arrears at all should she decide to pursue cs down the line. Yep, that's right. Instead of counting it as cs, they could actually say that he has paid NOTHING in cs to her whatsoever. Plus, the courts could decide that the 150 bucks a week he is forking over now is "extra" disposable income, and jack his cs amount up because of it. Bystander has horror stories where this has happened. Your h should not give ow one red cent without it being officially documented. As soon as your cs order is in place, your h needs to go through official channels to pay cs because the judge CAN legally discount everything he has been paying to her as "personal gifts to ow that were not intended as cs at all". Stinks, doesn't it? I'll be emailing you with some cs tips for your hearing.<BR>-cd

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lemonpie:<BR><B>tiger, i set up the appointment for her to get the test done and she did not show up. <P>I wonder why.......<P>she said she wasn't unsure and she was not going to have the test done to please me. she said if she had to be embarassed by having her picture <P>Now why in the world would she be embarrassed???? Thats just nuts! There with a married man who is questioning her integrity (LOL) and wanting a paternity test. Why would she be embarrassed? Could it be that more than just you and your H would know what a whore she was. Give me a break!<P>then she wanted him there with her. he agreed that they would go altogether. <P>What? Like one happy little family? I do not think so! That is what she gets to go through sleeping with a married man. And now she wants to continue the little charade.<P>whatif, i live in PA.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would most definately contact a lawyer and find out the specifics. You can find those that will do free consultation. There are also child support calculators that can do estimates for you. It varies so greatly thru the different states. We are in Texas and thru here we would have to pay ow 362 per month and he pays child support to one other and we have one. In Texas they dont seem to consider other children that the father may have. In Arizona where the ow lives they claim they take other children the father may have into consideration and yet the support that we would pay there is 562. Go figure that one out. My H doesnt make much money and yet they would strip us of any chance for survival to pay these stupid irresponsible females. Makes me sick, sick, sick!!<P>

My husband initially paid $367 a mo. This was amount she agreed to and we worked thru lawyers and paper work was filed in courts of NC. Then she lost her job and child services got involved because she was on welfare. My H was active duty Army then. They took his income before taxes, factored our 5 children, then settled on $500 a month. So that is the amount we have paid since 1995, it has been six years since this went into effect.<BR> We have never seen his dau., nor will we until she initiates contact. What ever you do get something drawn up legally to protect yourselves. By the way he does have specified visitation, but we have never taken it.<P>Texasgirl

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:32 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

ember and gemini, I have to disagree with you re: Ch-support laws. Gem said:"Whew would that stop a lot of illegitimate births!!" If you ladies think back, ch-support laws were instituted because the concept of "deadbeat dad," whether legitimate or not, was NOT a joke. Women were economically screwed by men who played ugly lies off on women just as some XOW in our lives played on some Married Men. What you suggest just gives men the same incentive to screw single (or married-to-another) women as it does single women to screw married men. <P>I think ch-support laws (and visitation) need REFORM, but not abolishing them totally. I accept that my H should have to pay something for the child he stupidly created (he wasn't raped).

Yes Jenny they need a great deal of reform. Each and every story is different.<P>I don't ACCEPT H has to pay for oc...never wanted it. Begged her to abort. She had abortions before. Said she'd do it alone w/no help from h. Still being the nice lover at that time. Then when H didn't stay w/her she delibertly had the baby and now will use it to extort a check from H every month.<P>Ow doesn't work. Is still married. Is totally wealthy due to a huge insurance policy her Dad left. IMHO is crazy and deranged to HAVE the baby and so hurt everyone around the situation including the baby! That's child abuse to me! She shouldn't be rewarded for blackmail. No one else is. People are in prison for the kind of things she's done. My husband had no choice AFTER the fact! The law should allow sign off in these situations. Hey everyone lies in an affair but to have a baby w/MM just because you'll be tied to him till death in some way is sick in the head to me.<P>Just my opinion.<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Gem,<BR>I agree that' crazy and downright evil and I'd hate to be her when she dies... There has to be justice someday. But you can't legistlate morality. In your case the courts ought to take her wealth and marital status into account, just as they would look at your H's assets, and reduce ch-support accordingly. That's where reform comes in. Women aren't the "victims" in life that they used to be... Time for Balance. Requiring psychological evaluations in some cases might clear things up too!

Jenny, sorry if I offended you in any way. I was a teen-age shot gun wedding. My ex-H never paid a dime for child-support, and our C were born into a marraige. My point was to intend to decrease the the number of illegitimate births. I still think it would work. You said it gave more of a reason for OW to have C. I don't see how. If all women were made responsible for birth-control, which they are, and support their own children if not married, I guarantee my OW would not have gotten pregnant. <P>Laws do need reform. Men don't stand a chance in consenting to pure sex. Then if OW gets pregnant, it is her call. She can walk away, and never let the father know; or get an abortion, give OC up for adoption, keep OC. What choices does a man have except to have to pay $$$$$$$$$?<P>If every unmarried person signed such a contract before sex, and it would be legal, I bet the illigitimate births would be lessened.<P>Of course, this is only my opinion. I just do not think it fair to deprive C born of the marriage for OC. <P>ember<P>

Legislating morality is exactly what cs laws do! They make you pay for immorality if you're not married or pay a lot if you're unfaithful but have c's w/someone else. Like I said every story is different. I'm not talking of innocent loving women/men who get the shaft because their H/W loves another and leaves a family behind on purpose. With no reguard to WANTED offspring. I know that a few here are of not married parents...but the other parent did not and wasn't forced to pay for a child he or she didn't want.<P><BR>Really it's still only the man who pays for something he never wanted...never the woman for she holds all the cards in that particular poker game...or all the chips!!<P>BTW anyone see the special on John Lennon on TNT tonight?<P>My peaceful hero but not before God. <P><BR>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited October 02, 2001).]