Hey all. I have some questions/concerns regarding my and my W's situation. She is pregnant from a one night stand and is due here in a few months. We are doing well with our recovery and continue to make progress. I have decided to raise this child as mine. But, the other day I asked my W how she was feeling and basically how she felt about the baby and the fact that it is not mine biologically. I was cautious and sensitive to her when I asked this question and her response was she doesn't want to think about that. My concern/question is, should she just not think about it or does she need to accept this and deal with. I am a little concern that this may surface in the future. Should I be concerned or just let time pass?? I am not sure on how women in these situations need to deal with this emotionally. Maybe I am overreacting but I want to be sure. Thanks.

Hutch,<P>I think that you approached this subject in just the way it needed to be done. You are doing an amazing thing, by accepting this child as yours. I can tell you that there were many times that I would wish that I wasn't pregnant with OM's child, but through my H showing the true love that he had for me, I got past it. The biggest thing to remember is that your W's hormone level is greatly increased, and just a tiny reminder to her and the things she has done to get you both into this situation can cause her to get upset. I was concerned for my whole pregnancy, even though my H told me that he was accepting this child, that he would reject her after she was born. This may be what your W is feeling, especially as the due date gets closer. Just continue to be patient, understanding, and loving towards her, and she will have an easier time talking about what she is feeling. With her emotions all messed up from her guilt and the pregnancy, it will be hard for her to just accept what you are telling her. <P>I can tell you that I would feel the happiest when my H and I would go look at baby things, and do the registering at the different stores for baby stuff. He would be genuinely excited about picking out things that he would like to have for the baby! He would still have moments of frustration and anger for what I had done, but they would become less often, and we would have more fun getting the crib set up, buying the carseat and stroller.<P>Just answer her questions honestly, and don't push too hard for any answers from your questions. But, don't hesitate to ask them. Just accept her answer if she says that it upsets her right now to think about what has happened. Continue to support her, and show your love. That's what she needs the most right now, to get her past the feelings of guilt. Now, I am not saying to excuse what she has done, but let her know that it isn't going to change how you feel about her, and the baby. It may take a while, but she will eventually be able to talk to you about it, and answer your questions.<P>I hope this helped a little. I just know how I felt about 2-3 months before Abbi was born. There was so much going on, and thinking about how it all started just made me dwell on the past, and it made it harder to get past it. If you have forgiven her, let her know, so she can begin to forgive herself. I know that it took seeing Abbi in H's arms to begin my self forgivness.<P>Tigger

Hutch,<BR> I think that it would be really cool if you went out and bought something cute for the baby. Doing things like this could help reassure your wife that you are indeed going to be this baby's "Daddy"; it would touch her heart. Another plus is that by getting "involved" in preparations for the baby's birth might make <B>you</B> feel more like "Daddy".

Thanks for the replys. <P>Lady Clueless:<BR>I don't feel like the Daddy at all. I continue to think about how this baby, my first, my W's first, this marriages first, is not even my baby. I am scared that this baby will be a constant reminder of the A. I hope that the baby will be such a joy that it overshadows the A that is what keeps me going. But right now the A overshadows the excitement that should accompany the arrival of a baby. I still love my W and she loves me and I am confident that this was a big mistake and we will learn and grow if we continue to fight. I just feel like crap sometimes.<P>tigger4jdt,<BR>My W says she is fine. Even if we talk about my thoughts it seems she doesn't show or say anything about how she feels, good or bad. She says she feels bad whenever I am feeling bad but she says she hardly ever feels bad because of her own thoughts or memories. I feel like crap whenever she is excited about buying new things, talking to people about it, etc. I know she would like to talk to me more about it but I have a hard time being genuinely excited. <P>Is there any H out there that have gone through this??

Hutch,<P>You sounded like a very respectful father already. It's nice to know that you accept the child as your. I think the best thing to do, is to concentrate on the baby. Just leave the past in the past and focus on what you have now...<P>I wish my H has as much respect as you. I was in the same situation as your W. I had a one stand A. A couple months later, of course, I got pregnant. H totally denied that it wasn't his child and wanted me to abort the child. I told him the expected due date et all, but he doesn't care about it. He was mad, anger, suffered, you name and didn't want to be part of me or the baby. He was verbally, emotionaly and physically abusing me while I was pregnant. I cried every day. I wasn't sure if keeping the baby was the right thing to do, but I chose to keep it and I will have to be strong. The baby was born last Nov, healthy. I had a DNA test done and prove it to him and that it was his...<P>What did he do about it?! Nothing... He filed for divorce and wanted full custody of the baby. I got an atty and defend myself and my baby. Now, we're still going thru the divorce process.<P>He has to pay child support and 1/2 of child care. At first, I didn't want him to pay anything, but I was suffering and hurt so much. He's dating someone else and make me take all the responsiblity, NO WAY! So that's why I took CS and CC from him!<P>He was scheduled for a weekly visitation. He showed up here and there...and always wanted to take the baby home. I refused so now he's totally cutting us off not showing up at all. He said I'm forcing him to be with the baby....duh! What is he thinking? Does he have a brain or what, I wonder?!<P>He pissed and mad at me even worse now. He called me all kinds of name and belittling me. I don't care anymore. Our relationship is over, and I'll do whatever I can for my daughter.<P>Well, back to you hutch. I really admire you! Just give her all the encouragement and don't bring the past. You'll be fine.<P>~Daph

Hutch,<BR> I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same situation right now, but my W has moved back to the states and I am stuck in Italy. <P>At first I wanted to raise the C as my own but now I am having doubts. I definitely think your W has to own up to the situation and work through it rather than just ignore it. Right now though it may be a little difficult for her to really deal with everything. My W has had 5 miscarriages in our previous attempts at having a child and so she is extremely worried about this C. She doesn't want to talk about what happened right now because it will upset her too much. She said she needs to concentrate on the C but will talk about things later. I can understand her point and I try not to talk about things with her but it is difficult. <P>In the meantime I am going to counseling alone and working on the issues I have and trying to get myself to feel better. Maybe that is something you should consider right now. Take care of you now so that you will be stronger for when your W and the C when they need you the most. It may also help you to feel more like a father-to-be and allow you to follow some of the suggestions others have posted.