My H want's to go on a skiing trip with some work mates. H went on a weekend ski trip before supposedly with his work mates. I found out after D-Day that exOW treated him to a trip to Boston. The fact that he lied and said it was a ski trip causes all types of triggers to explode inside. The fact that one of the guys going on the trip also accompanied him to Boston with an OW he was cheating with at the time also. H has been faithful for 1 1/2 years; I am still finding it hard to trust him. Am I wrong to not want him to go on this trip? I couldn't deal with it calmly last night so I told him to bring me the information and I would talk to him today. <P>Inside I am going crazy! I asked him why he wanted to hang with people like his friend still? He's a known cheater who tried to hit on me repeatedly. He knew about H affair and<BR>would come to me saying he didn't know why H was treating me that way etc.. He actually called my cell phone one day 3 in the morning leaving a voice mail asking me if I called him? Yeah right. H is aware that this guy tried to hit on me and still insists on talking to him. But he get pissed if I talk to the guy, I told him if you don't have a problem hanging out with guys that tried to hit on your wife then I don't have a problem talking to them while your around. <P>Am I wrong for feeling this way? I am going away next Month for 6 days H is taking care of the three kids while I am away. I asked him before planning the trip if he had a problem with it. He said No go ahead not a problem. When I asked him why I couldn't go on the ski trip he asked could I go on your trip with you? I said yes I'll pay a little extra and get a separate room. (I'm going on a trip with 3 other married women who just need a break we are sharing a suite) he was like I don't want to go on your trip. Then he said it's going to be a bunch of men and I don't want you around them. As if I'm stupid it's a ski resort there will be other women around. I hate feeling this way. When will I trust him completely? And I hate these stupid triggers.<P><BR>Unsure <BR> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]

Unsure, I do not feel your request "out of line". I call this instinct. ember

Ember,<P>Thanks for replying. I figured I must be wrong since no one replied. We haven't made a decsion yet. He's willing to give me the intinery etc. But it still bothers me that it's a ski trip. And this particular person is going. Again thanks for your advise.<P>Unsure

UNSure, NO NO NO you are not wrong . I would have a major problem also with this.<BR> I went nuts over things not even close to what you are dealing with. My h got back involved with a buddy that he worked when he screwed the ow he knew about his cheating and about the ow being preg. He stayed away for along time. Then about 8 months ago he got him a job working with him at his new job. I'm not kinding you I was so upset I wanted to choke my h to death. I went nuts with anger. He couldnt see what the big deal was with my feelings either. At that time I was flipping out quit abit.<BR> It took about 6 months but mine finally has seen the light as to how much this guy bothered me and has nothing to do with him. Anything that reminds me of when we where having problems bothers me still and its been 2 and 1/2 yrs just not as bad. Things are really opening slow thats probly why you have'nt got many replies it took along time to open this page.<BR> One thing I have learned through all of this is to go with what my instints tell me.<BR> with love flowerseed<p>[ October 13, 2001: Message edited by: flowerseed ]

Unsure,<P>I gotta go with my girls on this one. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If he ever wanted to legitly go skiing with the guys again he should not have used the excuse to see ow. He pretty much screwed himself on this deal. There is no way I could handle that and I am about where flowerseed is in the timeline. Of course he isnt bothered by your trip, you arent the one who cheated. NO way. I cant handle my H being gone overnight somewhere. I know that would be too much. Good luck and this one and I will pray for you guys. <P>Love<BR>bw

Thank you all for your support! H decided not to go on the trip. I calmly explained why I had a problem with him going on the trip with this particular guy. It was leading to an argument so I backed off and said look this isn't about trust this is about my feelings and why this trip upsets me. If you choose to go on this trip you atleast know how I feel. H then said look exOW will not be on this trip! I had to bit my bottom lip so I wouldn't smack him.<P>I then told him this isn't about exOW I explained I felt she was no threat to me because of all her crazy antics. I said if you choose to screw her again after all the lying she did you deserve each other. I would move forward with my life. I then told him saying she wouldn't be there was a low blow and he better not try that crap again. He responded I am not going on the trip. You don't want me to go so I'm not. Inside I wanted to say don't cancel the trip because I don't want you to go, cancel the trip becasue you understand my feelings. But I won the battle so I figured this was one of those times to just shut up. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Again thank you all.<P>Unsure

Unsure,<BR>I know this is a done deal now but want you to know I was with you on this too! I was posting a reply to you when my electricity went out and never got back to it. I hate for you to think you were wrong on your feelings due to lack of response. Sometimes things are outside our control...<P>Glad you stuck to your 'guns'. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Unsure, <P>Well, my advice would have been to do exactly what you did do. Let him know how it makes you feel, and be honest with him. I think you did the right thing once he said he wouldn't go. If you had come back with stating you wanted him to stay home because he understood your feelings, then it probably would have caused another argument. <P>Tigger

Tigger and Jenny,<P>Thanks for your support. I was just feeling a little down when I didn't receive any feedback. I really needed the advice. Thanks again. He's not happy about not going on the trip. Last night he went to a neighbors house and watched the Tyson fight. When he got home he tried to start a conversation on trust and him not being able to do anything to satisfy me. I told him it wasn't about me not trusting him. I told him if I didn't have some trust in him we wouldn't be together. He dropped the subject he had a few beers and since my D was asleep decided to put better use to time. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks again for your advice.<P>Unsure

Unsure,<P>I am glad to hear he is not going. Regardless of what reason he had for deciding not to go (trust) and your reasoning with your feelings...the bottom line is he put YOU first! That is a definate plus. I think Id go give him a big ole hug! He did good. And so did you by sticking with your guns. Glad to hear it!<P>Love<BR>bw

BW,<P>Thank you very much! For pointing out H did put me first, when your in a situation you don't look at it the same way someone from the outside does. I just sent H an email thanking him for putting me first. And I'll gave him a big hug when he gets home. Yesterday was pretty cool but I'm a football widow [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] so I didn't get a chance to see if he was still upset. We had our religous couseling session yesterday and everything went extremely well. So I think he's o.k. Thanks again.<P>Unsure [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Unsure,<P>I'm sorry I didn't get to post sooner.<P>I also was with the girls on this one. And I'm glad H decided not to go.<P>Often times I find myself wanting my husband to say exactly what I'm thinking he should say. I have to take a step back and remember he is an individual with a different set of feelings, emotions, experiences. He can't be me or truely understand what's inside of me 100%. <P>I have to remind myself that what is important is he's "doing" the right thing and loving me. <P>Example. My husband's idea of bonding sometimes is holding me while he watches Monday night football. I have to realize that he'd probably rather just sit with a beer in his hand. But "for me" he puts his arms around me. It's his way of showing he loves and wants to be around me. Some women (i used to be one of them) would want their husbands to turn the t.v. off and give them their undivided attention. They have the preconcieved idea in their minds HOW their husbands should show their love.<P>How many times have you thought, why didn't he say this instead of that? But in actuality it contained the same message. I've done it a million times and am now just learning to take what he says and does for what it's worth and look at the sum of actions and words instead of one particular instance. Like the football incident I mentioned above. After the game was over.... he gave me undivided attention and then some.<P>I hope I didn't ramble too much. I guess I'm trying to say that his not going IS exactly what you wanted (and he's well aware of this) he just didn't verbalize it the way you had hoped. Believe me... he knows that he's doing it because you feel the way you do. He's just not "bowing" down by admitting it. Sort of his own personal compromise to save face. Remember that ego is a biproduct of testosterone. <P>Does that make sense?<P>Good luck sweetie,<BR>Z. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Z (miss chatting with you)<P>Yes, I get the point you were trying to make. Yesterday h called me from work and I thanked him for putting me first, when he came home he was loving and very sweet. It was like me actually saying Thank You made his day. He watched the Yankees and a football game last night. He patted the bed and wanted me to sit right next to him as he eplained all the plays etc. I know that was his way of saying he loved me and wanted me next to him. I didn't gripe I watched the game and enjoyed the moment. Thank you very much for replying I know things are busy for you at work.<P>Tee

I miss chatting with you too. Maybe I can sneak on tonight. We'll see how early H falls into a coma. <P>I'm on vacation so I can do the late night thing this week!<P>Z. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Z,<P>O.K. I'll look for you tonight after H falls asleep too.<BR>Tee

You guys arent on yet...your Hs arent asleep yet?! lol MIne is working so it is lonely here. Im getting so sleepy though, so if I miss yall then I hope all is well...<BR>Lots of Love<BR>bw

I was on around 11:00 I didn't see you guys.<P>Tee

I never made it on. Hubbie wanted to bond... and lord knows I'd never turn that down!<P>I'll try again tonight.<P>Z. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]