first let me say, i'm soooo glad we're up and running. talk about going through withdrawal--LOL unfortunately since my last post i have had a set back. i started acting like i was a detective--you know going through his things--the thing with the detective role is i seem to find information i truly don't want to find. you see, i have been home from work these past 3 days because the big "D" (depression) set in. i am about to lose my job so i got on the computer yesterday to retype my resume. i noticed there were several labels that said resume so i look to see if one of them were mine. guess what, they weren't mine, it was hers the OW. i swear the breath must have got caught in my throat because for a couple of minutes i couldn't breathe. i called my dh at work and he said the resume was from a long time ago, when he was thinking of switching jobs he asked her for hers so he could use it as a guide, the resume was dated 6/01. now people, i am a secretary for goodness sake. wouldn't have been best to ask me. anyway, i started crying and shouting on the phone. when he came home he stayed and talked with the kids. when he finally came in the bedroom i went crazy. the worst part is my children heard us arguing and my oldest daughter was crying, my youngest screamed can yall please stop. i was throwing his clothes down the steps telling him to leave, all this is taking place at 1:00AM. oh my goodness i swear i had lost my mine. i swear i just don't know how to let go and i'm not even sure i want to. he told me he hasn't seen the OW or the OWC since i found out. hell i don't really know--the OW doesn't seem to mind that he has to sneak to see them. i don't know which is worse having OW harass me so at least I know they are still seeing each other -- or OW staying in hiding. this way i don't know if he is sneaking to see her.<P>so here I am - neck deep in pain, suspicious, all the misery again - I am so stressed I can't stand it-went to my doctor the other day she prescribed paxil--had to get medicated because i truly felt i was going to kill my dh. can't really say how they work because during the argument last night he asked if i had taken my medication (like i was a f....king lunatic--and i opened the bottle and through them at him. LOL afterward i really started bawling because i had to pick up 60 tinnnnny litttttle pills LOL<P>i am so tired--here i am back so stressed out i wish i was out of here-i am so tired, so alone, yet i lie next to him sometimes and hope everything works out. Sometimes i feel like such a loser. <BR> <BR>my OW truly doesn't seem to want any drama. she doesn't harass me at all, it is i who initially started calling her and that's when she responded to me. she has never called or e-mailed me first and i think that this is because they (my dh and her) have an agreement. i think my dh told her that if she let things continue as they did and not bother me that he would continue to support and visit the child. this is my take on the situation. otherwise i can't see her being so calm about everything, what about you.<P>well, i think i have rambled enough--thanks all for reading.

Lemon,<P>Just a quick note to tell you... I feel your pain. It doesn't seem very long ago I was feelling everything you said.<P>There is no quick fix... but the medication will help you from exploding and feeling out of control. I'm back on Wellbutrin and realize the difference.<P>I hope your kicks in soon. <P>That feeling of love/hate for your spouse sucks. But it gets more in line as time goes on.<P>I pray for your peace of mind and heart.<P>Z.

Dear Lemon,<P>I know how you feel. The anger and frustration seems so very overwhelming at times. You feel like you are on a rollarcoaster to you-know-where and there is no emergency break to pull so you can get off. I just want you to know this happens to a lot of us. Probably close to all of us. So if you are crazy, so are we all. (that probably doesnt make you feel too much better huh). Well, my point is, you are not alone. I tried to strangle my H, literally. I just lost it one day and I jumped on him and we fell on the bed and I went for his throat. Of course he was able to overpower me, but I was a madwoman. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was my motto back then. <P>As for playing Sherlock Holmes, well I have played that role out. Rest assured the longer you go with out finding anything new the more it will seem silly to you and the less you will do it. I am down to just checking pockets before I wash clothes, which isnt too bad because I do that anyways.<P>It is still pretty new to you. These feelings go back and forth. Remember you have a pretty good support group here, if I do say so myself... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Be patient and good to yourself. Find your strength and comfort in God. He will not let you down if you allow him to guide you.<P>I will be praying for the Lord to give you peace of mind.<P>Love<P>bw

oops sorry<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: broken_wings ]

Lemon, <BR>Maybe we can be Paxil buddies. I finally went to my Doctor a week ago friday. I was at the point where I was crying everyday, and would have horrid outbursts (think Tazmanian Devil) He started me on Paxil also. You would think after 6 months I would have come to grips with this situation, but obviously not. So I totally understand everything you are feeling now. <BR>Tina

Hi Lemon,<BR> You and me, we are like twins. I am thankful for your posts because they make me laugh when I know there is sooo much pain for both of us, all of us. I love how you threw all those pills at him and then had to pick them all up one by one LOL. We must have similar personalities because isn't it just amazing how we can be fine for a while, but then all of the sudden...RAGE! <BR> On Sat I left my H. I hope he comes and lives in CA with me, but if he stays in Minneapolis then I will know where his priorities lie (Being a cop, playstation, OW, OC). A couple days before I left, I turned over our coffee table after a bout of rage. <BR> I'm praying for you and your kids, and him too. Love, Julia