I only have a minute so this will be real quick...a few months ago I copied the EN Questionaire and wanted my H to fill it out as he was traveling. We are pretty stuck in the past, and I think that it is probably more me that him, but we keep going back to what we were feeling at the time of the affair anfd arguing about it and getting nowhere. I am in counseling, but our insurance changed and they no longer cover "marital therapy", so she has said she can bring him in a few times, but I don't think it will be on a regular basis, which in my opinion is what we really need. Anyway, here is my question...should we first fill it out as to what we were feeling in the past to try to understand what happened. We disagree on so many aspects of the past(what happened, when, and who felt what) we constantly are discussing this and get nowhere. I just thougth it may help us sort it all out...he is goinng on a trip tomorrow so anyone who can answer this today would be a great help.Thanks...NGU

NGU,<P>Why don't you have him feel it out as he's feeling right now. This Questionaire is to help you meet each other EN now. I know I felt differently about the affair and my H now compared to my feelings a year ago. I hope this helps. <P>Unsure

NGU:<P>We've discussed this before (I believe), so don't take it personally if I repeat myself... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We are pretty stuck in the past, and I think that it is probably more me that him, but we keep going back to what we were feeling at the time of the affair anfd arguing about it and getting nowhere.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Perhaps the first questionnaire you should be focusing on is the Lovebusters one. The Harley's would have you do this first---it's hard to build any love if you're draining it by arguing and lovebusting. Eliminating lovebusters and doing so consistantly will help stabilize the marriage and create an environment in which need-meeting will be fun and productive to the marriage.<P>I'd encourage you to leave the past out of it, especially if you're arguing "point-of-view" issues. Who's right??? You both are! To fill out the emotional needs, you should do them on what they are currently. Not in the past. They're used to set the stage for a negotiation and planning session in which you both work on putting a concrete plan to meet these needs---it's silly to do this with outdated information. In fact, if you sat down and did this today, and set a 3-month timeframe (reasonable), at the end of the three months, you'd probably reprioratize some of these needs and rank them differently. In a great marriage (with communication), you bring these changes to your spouse, you POJA, and then execute a plan to meet the new needs. If you don't still have that level of communication, it doesn't absolve you from finding out what needs have changed for your spouse---it's just a hell of a lot easier to have them tell you then you having to figure it out on your own from their cues.<P>So, to summarize. Stay focused on the current issues. Build a plan to go into the near future with achievable (and measurable) goals. Do lovebusters first, if they're an issue. <P> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

NGU,<P>I agree on leaving the past out of it. You may be able to remember what exactly you felt, although I am sure the anger you have now will influence it, but he probably will not remember. It seems the WS has a way of blocking the time period out of their mind and I am believing it is best that way. Do you really want him to live his feelings back then out again? They are feelings and remember you can not argue about feelings. Logic effects them none. You know this. We have talked about logic vs. feelings. Considering these are past feelings you are talking about what good would it do to bring them up? To be able to argue about them and have your proof on paper? "see! you said it right here on pg.3 blah blah" I am one of those always right kind of people and that is how I would use it. Focus on here and now. The other is a waste of time and energy.<BR>Love<BR>bw

Hi,<BR>I don't know if you have received your monthly newsletter from S.Harley yet, but he advises that we should update our questionnaires every year to stay abreast on ours and our spouses' ever changing needs! He even went so far as to say if we haven't taken the survey in over a year, then we are outdated! I say go for it! & think in the now!

NGU,<P>K gives fabulous advice. And he does it much more eliquently than I gave it to you. My delivery is sometimes rough.<P>Think here and now. And stop all that lovebusting. That's to both you and H.<P>Love you,<BR>Your rough friend,<BR>Z. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]