My wife of 4 yrs had an affair that resulted in her becoming pregnant by the OM. After the affair ended, she would not consider termination of the pregnancy for religious reasons. We are trying to work things out. However, she will not consider adoption and I can not emotionally deal with the care of or the daily reminder of her adultery. <P>My questions are #1: Why, if you love someone and don't want to hurt them anymore, would you want to keep the product of your infidelity. <P>2# Why would you risk throwing away your husband and child's father for the sake of a child that you didn't plan or really want?<P>I don't understand the logic, emotion, or reasoning behind keeping the product of what has been admitted to be as a "tremendous screw-up"?<P>I don't buy that maternal thing. The OM is a "repulsive jerk" in the light of day. Why would you want to be reminded, burdened, and ruin your married family life by holding on to a mistake.<P>Ladies, OW and moms, whomever, I can't understand this attitude. Why is adoption into a loving two parent home such a poor alternative to single parenthood and the loss of your family?<P>thanks for your insights.

Dear Inanightmare,<BR> I am coming from this somewhat at your angle, if you will... My husband got ow pregnant and she refuses to give the baby up for adoption as well. But she still wants my husband to be with her. He realizes his huge mistake and has asked me to forgive him. (That's another story). <BR> Anyway, I know the pain that you feel, wondering how you are going to deal with this oc. And believe me, there are no words to describe the anguish a horrible feelings and thoughts that go through the heads of those of us who have unfortunately found ourselves here in this pregnancy/child forum. There are some here who have established relationships with the oc and it is bearable and healthy, but there are those of us, me included, that are just beginning this awful nightmare and are looking for answers or some kind of end to this horror. <P> There is hope. When my H and I went to see our pastor, he told me, "you need hope". I live now in CA, I left my H this last Sat (in MN) and we both cried as we said goodbye. I love him more than anything. I am completely broken. <P>Ya know how your wife won't give the baby up for adoption? Well my H won't move away from MN (where the ow lives). I am from CA and have always wanted to move back. He could very easily move here and ease my pain and get away from her and oc, but he would rather stay there I guess. I will wait for him, but how long I don't know. If the baby is born before he moves I will not take him back. Like your wife, they are not taking into consideration our hurt and our pain.<P>I know that I don't have a lot of hope right now, but I do have faith, faith in a God who will deliver me from sin if I believe. I fear God's discipline for walking away from my H... but like you, we are really wounded and it is hard to obey God, even though I know I have the power to. God Bless.

I too, am speaking from "sorta your point of view". I am a woman whose H had an affair and OW got pregnant. I am still in so much pain that it seems to impossible to bear anymore. I wonder the same things as you, how could someone "who supposedly loves you more than anything" do something like that. All I've been hearing is that "it was a mistake, but I can't change it - you'll have to deal with it, or there's nothing left for us to do". My feelings are never considered. My H and the OW work together, I have to deal with the fact that they see each other everyday. I was willing to "try to accept" this OC and welcome it into my home, I even went to the hospital with H when his daughter was born - but had to wait in waiting room while he spent 3 hours at OW's bedside visiting & creating a bond that I have no rights to! I feel as if I'm a wife in name & paper only. He doesn't share things with me, won't stand up to OW, she wants to come to our home and "inspect" before the OC is allowed to be there, my H told her that would be fine. WRONG, it's not fine for OW to be in my home! He doesn't understand that. He won't stand up for his rights as a father. And I can't keep fighting that fight for him. He won'd stand up to HER or demand things from her, but he'll treat me like crap and make things hard on our life. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and now I feel as if she's lost another Father! But he doesn't see that. He says to me that he'll see & do for HIS CHILD whether I like it or not. I've recently moved out and it's killing me. I love him, miss him & just can't understand why this had to happen! I'm sorry you're going thru this pain. I'm new to this forum and hope I can deal with my pain with the help of all the wonderful people I'll meet on here. Take care and like the previous post said - put your faith in God, I've been trying to do that more - hopefully in the long run, it'll be worth it and I'll have peace. Either married & happy or on w/my own life and happy! Take care..

Dear Nightmare,<P>Well, I believe that I have posted to you before, being in your W's shoes. I have also given a child up for adoption before(got pregnant in high school by H/then boyfriend) and know the tremendous pain of giving birth, and then having someone else raise the child. She will be 14 this Dec, and I think about her all the time. Our XOM was also a creep, but we both decided to go through with the pregnancy and now have a beautiful daughter to love and raise with her brother and sister. She will be 7 mos tomorrow.<P>Now, for your questions;<P>#1: Why keep the baby if it is a reminder of the infidelity/embarassment/shame/hurt etc.... ? Here's how and why we made our decision. I was actually going to try to abort, in the beginning. What stopped me? Well, I called a number from the phone book, thinking it was a clinic that I could use, and it turned out to be a Crisis Pregnancy office. Now, if you are not familuar with them, let me just say that they are usually church run, and are there to help women with an unexpected pregnancy. They do not help you with abortions. I wanted to just hang up on the lady, and eventually did, but after her talking to me for at least 15 min. I had the same questions you did, about the reminder and what not. I firmly believe that it was God, holding that phone to my ear, and not allowing me to hang up the phone. After I called them, we called my parents, and got pretty much the same reaction/response. Now, the decision was to either keep or adopt the baby. Here is where our decision was a little different, because of our past. My H didn't want to see me go through the same pain that I went through 14 yrs ago, but didn't make his final decision until I was about 3 mos along. The pregnancy was hard for him, hard to show his excitement about the pending birth. In fact, I don't think he was truly happy about it until he held her in his arms. She looks enough like me and our 9 yr old that she really isn't that much of a reminder of what happened. So, it is a maternal thing with the emotions of giving a child up for adoption. I know, you have a problem with believing that, but after carrying a child for those 9 mos, feeling it move around, hearing it's heartbeat, knowing that it's a part of you, it is hard to just let that go. <P>#2: Here's where I am different in my thinking from your W. If my H had wanted me to adopt the child to another family, to save our marriage, I would have put myself through that pain again. To me, the kids, and my H were/are the most important people in my life, and through my 6 mos of stupidity(the A [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )I would constantly deal with my guilt. But this XOM had me backed into a corner, that I wasn't strong enough to push my way out of. I was actually relieved when XOM forced my hand, and I ended it by telling my H(another story, that if you want to hear, I can post it later, it's quite long, and I am already rambling) I didn't want a reminder of what I had done either. But, Abbi is such a joy, even while she is teething and waking me up throughout the night, that now, I am very secure in our decision. We also never mentioned my pregnancy to XOM, and he left this area long before I started showing. Now, he may find out, because of some of our neighbors who do have some contact with him, but if that happens, I will use my trump card of "if you want visitation, then I want CS" Since money is THE most important thing to him, that should keep him away. Also, if he doesn't find out till after that "two year" point, then we won't have anything to worry about, and we are almost half way there.<P>I believe my H had the same fears that you have of the child being a reminder of your W's infidelity, but with trusting in God, and giving him our worries and fears, we have been very happy, and H even smiles when I have Abbi and take her to H's work, and someone comments that it's a good thing she looks like Mom. I am not trying to talk you into a decision. I just wanted to let you know that we have been exactly where you are right now, and what we did about it. By all means, if you truly do not believe that you could handle raising this baby, continue to talk to your W about her decision. But, you also need to think about her feelings. Also, right now, your W has so many hormones screwing up her emotions, she probably doesn't know what she wants. You both need to seek out counseling, and I, like K, would recommend trying the Harleys. We haven't, but would if we had the money. We have, though, bought quite a few of their books, and they have helped out greatly. You really need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. There have been other men in your situation who have given it their all to save their marriage with the OC in their lives. The main one I can think of was Floored, he tried everything he could to save his marriage, only to find out that his W just couldn't give up the OM, and felt the need to have OM involved in the child's life. But, he tried, he supported his W through a premature birth, and her emotional roller coaster. None of us felt any less of him when he decided to end it. He still loved his wife, but couldn't do it any more. This is where the counseling would help you immensly, because they can work with you with the Plan A & B.<P>One thing about marriage, that we have all heard, but tend to ignore, it can't be your way or her way. You both need to work together to meet the other's needs. I know that's a hard pill to swallow right now, with your feelings of betrayal and such, but a sucessful marriage is not a one way road. <P>I am so sorry that I rambled. I hope that you do read all of this, because I can understand both positions in your delema. Please, if you can, call the Harleys, or even buy some of their books to explain what you need to do to save your marriage!<P>Hope I helped somewhat.<P>Tigger

InANightmare,<BR>I am a husband who's W had a one night stand and got pregnant. She is due in a few months and I have decided to raise this child as my own. It has been almost 6 months from D-day and it has been a pretty rough time. The way I have felt is probably similiar to the way you have felt. Some days I was ready to leave, some days the thought of the OM and my W in MY house was enough for me to strongly consider leaving her and to top it off, my W got pregnant. <P>This is our first child, but it does not feel like my first child because I had nothing to do with this, I did not have any say in this huge change in our lifes, I did not agree to having a child and changing the rest of our lifes. But, we have decided to work on our marriage because we both want each other until death do us apart. By making this decision, I have accepted to have this child a part of our lifes. Somedays I think I need my head examined, other days I feel good and confident about my decision. I have always felt that this child is innocent and will come into our lifes looking at us, looking at me as her father (we found out the other day that it is a girl, thank God! I hope she is a spitting image of my W). But I am not overly excited right now. My W understands that it is hard for me to be excited right now because of everything that has happened. So whenever she wants to be excited and talk about the baby for hours, she calls her family, they don't know anything about the A.<P>I wonder also about how my W can be so excited about the baby, after all this was all because of a huge mistake that she is sorry and remorseful for. But the baby is part of her. So, maybe I am crazy, but her mother instincts are to love this child and not associate the "big mistake" with this little innocent life. She looks and thinks about this baby as a new life that is a part of her. She wishes she could change the "sperm donor" but she can't. So both of us are trusting God and trusting that this will all work out. What keeps me going, in addition to faith, is tigger4jdt's comment about her H feeling unexcited until the day he held Abbi. I hope I am the same way. I think I probably will be. After all this baby is innocent and will look at you not knowing or caring about the OM. The baby will see you as the Daddy.<P>As far as the OM, he does not know that the baby is his. We decided that to work on our marriage, we did not need him in the picture. Luckily my W had no emotional attachment to him. I was gone for a month on military training and she thought she could just be friends with this guy and do friend things. One thing led to another and here I am writing about this crazy time in my life. If you have any questions. please ask.<P>hutch

IMHO, if you can't deal with the whole concept of what your wife's infidelity has created, then I believe your wife should carefully take your feelings into consideration. Have you ever read about Dr.Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement? In your case, it might help if you shared this MB basic concept with your wife. Your marriage is at stake. I don't think you sound coldhearted, just honest.