my dh and i went and filed for CS, no the OW did not file yet. but i told my dh that i needed some reassurance from him that he intends to stay married to me. i told him because he kept a secret for almost 4 years his word was not good enough. i told him if you really intend on staying with me for life go get my name tatoo on his arm. he said if i had asked him a year ago maybe but not now. i asked him why not now--he said because he doesn't want one. i said ok but if you are willing to do anything to save this marriage then have it done. i didn't want to have to deal with an OW or OWC but i do. he said he wouldn't get it done--i then told him he has to monday to move out because i don't feel he is committed. am i being unreasonable?

I kinda understand where you are coming from, Lemon, as my H expressed a desire to get a tattoo and I told him to tattoo my name on him if he was serious about me. I think it's a security issue on my part. <BR>I think on my part, I find it hard to believe what he tells me as he kept his secret from me for two years and being a cop, it's easy for him to have a double life.<BR>Is it possible for you two to come up with ways that would make you feel secure and that would make him show you that he is serious about commitment?<BR>I need to read back posts to understand your situation better. <BR>I have found ways that my H is trying to show me that he values me and my children.<BR>He is still learning, but I find that marriage counseling has by far been the best help for me.<BR>BTW, we filed first for dna testing and CS issues because I wasn't going to let the OW try to tell me what to do. She may have been able to emotionally blackmail my H for two years but she has a rude awakening with me.<BR>We chose to have no contact with OC and I have found that to be an unpopular decision with his family...go figure.<BR>I would love to chat with you sometime. If you are on yahoo messenger, I am twiisty. <BR>I hope things work out for you. If I am way off base here, please let me know.<BR>Hugs,<BR>Twiisty

Not to poopoo on your idea, but my H has my name tattooed on his arm. Has had it since before we were married...didnt prevent him or OW from doing the deed. Have you been to counseling or discussed these issues with your counselor? There are many other ways to show commitment. Good luck.

tryin, i'm not saying this would prevent him from doing it again. my h hates tatoos and as twisty said i think this would make me feel more secure in his commitment to me. to have the tatoo done by him would really say to me that he wants this marriage to work because i know how much he hates them.

Lemonpie, I know what your saying, sorry things arent going so great. I think for most of us the ow knew all about us. I thought about having my h tattoed across his forehead Trespassers will be shot on site!<BR> with love flowerseed

the ow knows about me, by the way, i don't know if you remember the incident with me calling her job and OW calling my job and e-mailing me at work. well i called her home and she changed her number. i then called her job and she recorded a message saying the number will be no longer in use until further notice and do not leave messages on that number because they will not be picked up. i must admit that i took comfort in that because i disrupted her life just as she has done mine. although my is for life and her is temporary i still found comfort.

Sorry, in advance (I'm having a rocky morning), but wouldn't it be better to tatoo "MARRIED" across their foreheads? Those wedding bands have a way of magically disappearing and/or switching hands. I could offer these tatoos as a free community service. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Lemon,<P>I'm not sure the name tatoo idea is best either. My H's friend had his girlfriend's initial tatooed on his wrist, and shortly after that was done, the relationship went south. I agree with Tryn', you should see if there is anything else that can be done to help with your trust issues. It is a very hard thing to regain, but can be done. My H and I are just past the 1 year mark, and we are being put into the same position that we were in when I screwed up, but we are much closer and happier this time.<P>OB1,<P>Nice to see you post again. How are you doing? <P>Tigger

Hi lemon,<P>I know how you feel. I wanted something that would finally reassure me also. Unfortunately I think that is time. I tried to make H burn his comic books that reminded me of her since he took her with to buy so many. Plus there are 2 sets of this particular one and he gave me the first series (they have come out twice-same books) and told me it was his recommittement to me since I knew how much these particular books meant to him. I found out later that the second series (the less valuable ones) he gave to her. They didnt come with the speech mine came with , but you see how that nullified his "recommitment", plus the fact that he slept with her again after that, but that wasnt what we were talking about, was it?<P>My point is, it wasnt some symbolic thing that proved him to me. His little symbolic gesture obviously meant nothing to him, and it was his idea. It was his actions over time. Oc just tuned 2 two days ago and it was so insignificant that I didnt even bother posting to tell about it. It was a non-event here. <P>We did however, sybolically together, get new wedding rings. Both of us. I felt like ours were tainted. And we will renew our vowels also. My H is so different in my eyes now. It takes patience on his part and so very much love for you. We go thru he(( and back but after a year of what you will put him thru put yourself in his shoes for a moment. I finally realized that if I were him and had screwed up so bad there would be a lot that I would do different, but when I thought about what I had put him thru I wondered how much I would put up with before I decided enough was enough.<P>Do what makes you feel better, but I guarantee whatever you make him do, you wont feel better afterwards. Especially if that something is permanent. Think about how it will be for both of you when you are past this and in love again and you look at his arm and remember the betrayal you worked so hard to get over. Or he looks at his arm and thinks of what he did and who it was with.<P>Time will heal. <P>Love and Prayers<P>bw

Dear lemonpie,<BR>I can understand why your husband would feel that your request is unreasonable because he may feel like you are trying to control him. His commitment to you should come from his heart and not because of a tatto labeling him like he is a piece of property? Perhaps he feels like that? On the other hand, I can understand how you desperately want him to do something extreme to prove his undying love for you and show his commitment in a tangible way. Tough call because there are both sides of the coin to examine.<P>Too funny obratti1,<BR>But I think even if married men tattooed their foreheads, if OPs don't respect boundaries, like I didn't (YEARS AGO! NOT ANYMORE!), it wouldn't stop affairs. I don't think? It was weird but the only thing I can describe about my mentality at that time was that I wasn't going to take his marriage more seriously than he did. I know this helps no one feel any better, just trying to interpret my own thinking at that time...<P>Getting pregnant and dealing with all the drama of that was my big wake up call. I am very remorseful of the pain I caused to MMs family.<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]

lemopie,<P>I don't think insisting on a tatoo is going to change your sense of distrust. I'm also concerned that it could boomerang on you, and your H could start to resent you insisting on him making permanent changes to his body. <P>For example, lets say you strayed and your H was convinced that the OM was attracted to you because of your boobs. Your H started insisting on you having a radical mastectomy to eliminate this "source of attraction" for other men. Would you do it? Etc.<P>The CS filing buys you some insurance in this situation anyhow. With that order in place, leaving you becomes a more difficult endeavor from a financial standpoint.<P>Bystander

I have to say that I understand where Lemonpie is coming from, but I wouldn't push the issue of a tattoo. Although.....I did think of having my H tattoo my name in a....ahem...place that only I should ever see! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

Lemonpie,
I think for me, the tattoo would elicit or remind me of the betrayal many years down the road when the healing has taken place. I know that was somebody else's advice, so I guess I second that. <p>Oh bratti,
Funny, "MARRIED" tattooed on the forehead sounds like a great idea. How 'bout "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN"? That doesn't seem to stop them though does it? <p> My h and I don't have children, so I can see where this OW might assume that by being pregnant with his child might make him leave me or give her better chances at a future with him. But he still came back so (so much for her 21 yr old, unsaved, satan-influenced antics). <p>Lady Clueless,
Penile tattooing, that's a funny suggestion too. Anyone thought going the John Wayne Bobbit route? But I guess that would leave us punished as well. Yea, that wouldn't work.