I recently spoke with MM&#8217;s wife. We usually speak about once a month, just to keep them posted on how the baby&#8217;s doing. I can&#8217;t believe he&#8217;ll be a year old in about 3 weeks. Wow! Anyway. BS and I get along about as well as can be expected. She&#8217;s a kind woman who happened to marry a bonehead. Once in a while, we&#8217;ll talk about stuff other than Jonas. The last conversation we had was one of &#8220;those&#8221; times. She wanted to know if I was dating, so we talked about BF a little bit. Then she told me that, hopefully, Jonas will have a little brother or sister next year. I was genuinely happy for her and wished her the best. She&#8217;s had more than her share of miscarriages. The last pregnancy, she lost the baby at 7 months. At least I THOUGHT it was her last pregnancy. It turns out, that she got pregnant again during the time that I was pregnant with Jonas. It was such a stressful time for her and she ended up miscarrying again. I feel awful. I apologized again and again and again. I told her that I had no idea. She told me that she had asked H to not say anything because she didn&#8217;t want ME to stress or worry about something that was out of my hands. Still, I hate how it makes me feel. I feel guilty. I had been duped by MM, but I still feel responsible for the effect on his W. She doesn&#8217;t blame me for her H&#8217;s duplicity, and says I had no way of knowing what he was up to, but I still feel like I should have known SOMETHING! Now, it turns out she lost another baby, and I feel partially responsible for that. Maybe I&#8217;m a bit over the top with this, but I feel like she lost another baby because of ME and my part in her H&#8217;s betrayal. Does the guilt ever go away?!<P>Tigger,<BR>I&#8217;m doing okay. Turns out BF, now ex-BF, changed into a man I don&#8217;t know. Apparently he had his own &#8220;ex&#8221; in Texas, who was unaware that BF and I were working on our &#8220;relationship&#8221;. I guess BF wanted a back-up just in case we didn&#8217;t work out. BF and I had a big blow-out in August. Shortly after that, he flew to Texas to visit his &#8220;friends&#8221; and gave his ex a ring. He hid this tid bit from me and his family until the day he picked up and left to move back to Texas. From what I understand of this situation (info is second hand), he wanted someone to need him. I guess I wasn&#8217;t needy enough. He wanted someone he could take care of so that he could feel important. I was too independent/self-sufficient. So, what does he do? He turns to a woman 20 years older than me, unemployed, gutter-mouthed, living in a 1 bedroom single-wide trailer with her daughter, son-in-law, and grandchild. Now HE&#8217;S the head of the household with the higher income. I was floored. His mother was not too pleased either. We just don&#8217;t get it. His mom says he feels threatened by me. He told her that I make him feel stupid and that he and I don&#8217;t speak the same English. Huh? He told her that more often than not, he has to think about what I&#8217;m saying before he gets it, and that makes him feel dumb. I never knew. So, he&#8217;s gone and I&#8217;m dealing with it. The hardest thing to swallow is that I put all my trust in him. In the 20-plus years that we&#8217;ve been friends, I&#8217;ve never known him to be so deceitful and hurtful. If anything, he was always honest to a fault, and very kind. I don&#8217;t know this man anymore.

Ohbratti1,<P>I am so sorry for the pain you are probably feeling dealing with BF's dishonesty and inconsideration. Maybe he is right though...maybe he is stupid. Afterall, he did leave you.<P>As far as MM's W goes, it is not your fault. You know this somewhere already, but she doesnt blame you. The guilt is deep, but so is forgiveness. She obviously does not hold you accountable for her miscarriage, there is no need to put undue stress on yourself. Just pray for God to protect the baby that is giving it another try to come into this world. MM's W sounds like an angel. How lucky could Jonas get? Plus a new brother or sister? He must be one of the happiest little ones around...<P> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Be kind to yourself. You did not make her miscarry.<P>Love and Prayers<BR>bw

OB1,<P><BR>I agree with BW. You don't need to feel guilty about something that happened, that the W doesn't even hold you to blame for. She is a very special woman, to stay with this man, and to have forgiven you. Being also a BS, I have a hard time with the forgivness of the OW, particularly the one out here, that supposedly was to be my friend. I find myself being bitter about things that she would say to me about H being like her "little brother"! Accept the W's forgivness, and forgive yourself. Let it go, and get on with this relationship you have been given with the W.<P>As for xBF, well, I also agree that maybe he is stupid to leave you for someone 20 yrs his senior, and probably many points lower on the IQ ratio from himself, just to make himself feel more the man! I will pray that God shows you the man that he has waiting for you and Jonas! You know that there is someone waiting out there who will support you in every way necessary.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Sorry OB1,<BR>At least for me, the guilt never goes away, wait til she grows up and understands she was the product of an affair, that is, if you decide to tell your daughter the whole truth. I told my son the whole truth because when he was 2 he announced to me that "My daddy is nobody." [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Even at that age, he knew things were different in his life. Now he is in college and having to write papers on his family history, so up the topic comes again. Don't get me wrong, we are all so blessed. But for your question, just speaking from my limited experience, the answer would have to be a big old resounding nope...<P>I think the main challenge is to find forgiveness for yourself each and every day. Pray for miracles and hope for the best. Trust God that His hand is upon your decisions regarding your child. God will get your family through this AND MM's family as well. Hang in there... {{{{HUGS}}}}

ohb,<P>As someone who's lost 4 pregnancies, I can relate to MM's wife; but as others point out, she is a nice lady who thankfully hasn't set out to poke your guilt, and you didn't know M was MM, so your guilt is not what his should be, yes? If you had a friend in your situation, what would you tell her? Be that nice to yourself, too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It must be natural for MM's wife to look forward to you being married to someone else so the sexual tension of you being single and having had a relationship with her H can perhaps melt away.<P>As for your XBF, I'm sorry you're in pain, but I think it better to find this out about him now than after a wedding, yes? Then you too might be in our shoes, wondering why you married the guy! I think most guys in our culture want to have feel at least as competent or even more competent than their wives, and some do have that desire to be needed, esp. when they are young(er) men. Like raising children, that can be tiresome for them as they age and he might regret the burdens he's given himself.<P>I hope you find a better match. Good luck!