Dear Millsc1,<BR> I feel like I am in your same boat. My H just seems heartless when it comes to helping me feel better about myself. He isn't sensitive at all when it comes to me, but when it comes to her or the oc, he is right there making everything right. I wonder why he makes the huge effort for them, but makes little effort for me. <BR> <BR> It sounds like your (mine, too) husband doesn't really understand the order that their FIRST responsibilities are to. Just like you, I have also moved away from him, just for peace of mind more than anything (but i really haven't gotten that yet). Anyway, WE, the wives, should come first, but we don't and that's a problem. Our H's should protect us, defend us, love us above ALL, but they see the situation through their own eyes and deal with things based on their own heart. And they are heartless, it seems by what they say and what their actions show. I know your pain and I wish it would go away, I'm sorry that it doesn't.<P> The promising thing in this mess is that God wants our husbands to love us above all and when that doesn't happen, God starts to work and fight for us, we just have to pray and let God know that, I just pray to God and say, "Father, he is hurting me so bad, he continues to cause me so much grief, please help him to love, protect and defend me above all". You come before the OC, you come before your own children, and the only one that comes before you is God. Your h has to know and understand this in his heart and until he does, he is living by HIS own set of rules - Most people in the world live like this. But there are the blessed, chosen ones who live by God's rules. Pray that your H lives by God's word because it will be only then that you will have a kind husband. Because all other ways are of the devil and that is why we feel pain. If it was God, we would be overwhelmed with joy, Right Now!<P> I can't say enough that you should be first in his life. If one needs to be chosen over the other for whatever circumstance (thanksgiving or ? ) YOU are first, you are his W, the child is not!<BR> Ya know, when these children are all grown up and have families of their own, YOU will outlast everything and everyone because you are his w. Be good to eachother, he needs to be good to you. But it just won't happen because we want it to . God is the only way.<P>I'm praying for you.<p>[ October 24, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]

Oh thank you for responding. I was beginning to think I had gotten lost in this forum. I keep praying everyday that things will get better. It's now been 15 months since DDay and sometimes there's no light at the end of the tunnel. When I talked to him before I went to bed last night, after our huge fight, he apologized for it being such a crappy night and he promised that today would be better. However, he visits OC tonight for 2 hours so that will be on my mind, when he should be at home. That's one of the reasons I moved out, I couldn't deal with waiting for him to return from visiting the "family"! What a life. Thanks for the support, please keep in touch w/me. I will pray for you as well. I know God has made me stronger, he must have, in order for me to continue breathing each day. I know I'm still on this earth for a reason! God Bless You!

May I make a suggestion? I don't think your husbands respect you. They love you but there is no respect. You need to take a stand and praying for him to love you back is not likely to work. How about praying for the strength to not accept anything less then total respect. Listen, if you want to stay married to him knowing he has an OC and wants contact, you have to learn to handle that. If you can't, get out. It's not fair to take him back but not accept the situation he created. But maybe you don't want to accept it. Maybe you should divorce. Maybe he needs to see that you don't NEED him, that you will accept no less than total respect. Ladies, keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you are getting. Are you in therapy? Why not invest in finding out what about YOU makes you stay in a marriage with a man who cheated and had another child. Why not find out why you have put up with the disrespect you have been shown.

Ladies,<P>Please pay no attention to BonnieBB's hurtful words. She is our local scorned ow who moonlights on here as a wife who was hurt. I cant believe she actually had the nerve to say praying wouldnt work. You dont give up do you honey.<P>Mill, I responded to you under tinlizzys post (i think that was the one) you and Julia. And Julia, I could not have said it better. Beautifully put. The Lord does love you and He does want your marriage to work. Pray for his comfort and intervention. He can and will do it for you. Patience is a good prayer also, for the Lord's timing is usually not the same as ours.<P>Love in Christ<BR>bw

Are you insane???? I give good advice and you attack? Excuse me....but what they are doing is NOT working and sometimes a man needs to see that their woman isn't going to take the treatment he's been giving. Crying, fighting, begging etc do NOT work. I know, I've been there. You are the one to be ignored, coming out of nowhere to attack. There was nothing hurtful about what I said, although sometimes the truth does hurt. As for your accusation that I am OW, you make me laugh! But think what you want. I am in the SAME boat as you ladies only I've learned to deal with my H in a way that works and thought I'd offer some advice.

BBB,<P>of course i am insane, im actually replying to you. If I attacked you you would know it. So what is the latest version of your story?? Hmmmmmm.....<P>Ladies,<P>I copied the post to yall that I had elsewhere so you dont have to hunt for it....<P><BR> Dear Julia,<P> The Lord does not give us more than we can handle with him. He doesnt say he will not give us what we do not want to handle. You are absolutely right! You were not the one that did this, but just bc God or you may<BR> forgive H doesnt mean that the consequences of the sin (oc) will go away. The Lord gives us free will to choose. That is the will to choose whatever we want. Your H (our Hs) and the Ow chose wrong...very wrong. It is not fair that we should suffer or that oc should suffer, but we are as innocent as oc is. You have been blessed with this board, other people in your life, and most of all, God for support.<P> This anger is very normal and very understandable. Remember though, knowing what God and the Bible says and relying on it are two different things. You have to trust Him. He is watching out for you. Remember the old<BR>hymn "His Eye is On the Sparrow"? If God can take the time to watch over a little sparrow, take comfort in knowing He has not forgotten about you. He loves you. Trust in Him daily, hourly, and I promise you (He promises you)<BR>He will get you through this.<P>I know it is soooooooooooo hard at this stage. I have been there. But the Lord is so very faithful. <P> Millsc1,<P>Honey. I know your pain too. My H was a total jerk for about a year. He wasnt exactly walking with God. He was downright mean at times. He said it was "my sh*t, my problem" he didnt want to hear it. That is the guilt talking honey. They are consumed. When you have that much on your shoulders and you look at your dear wife and realized what you have done it is too much to bear. My H told me one time that every time I mentioned the A, Ow, or Oc even when I wasnt angry and I just wanted to talk and I said "blah blah" what he heard was "blah blah you stupid sob, you ruined my life, I hate you". It is hard on them to accept the reality of what they did. I know, I know. Too bad, so sad. It does not by any means justify their behavior, that is just where it is probably coming from. Hoefully,if he ever forgives himself a little, that will die away.<P>You guys are all so new at this. Please take comfort in the fact that the pain will diminish over time. <P> Love and Prayers<BR> bw

Broken wings<BR>I have ZERO interest in playing baby, bickering games with you so how about YOU leave ME alone if you can't be nice???

[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] lol

Geez, grow up woman!

Thought you werent going to play???? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Bonniebb,<P>I&#8217;ve been reading your posts for quite some time and I don&#8217;t get it. You, just like everyone else, is entitled to your own perspective and opinion, but, if you feel someone is &#8220;rattling your cage&#8221;, why do you respond in such an aggressive and combative manner? Better yet, why do you even respond at all? Wouldn&#8217;t it be better to ignore what doesn&#8217;t jive with your philosophy. The reason I direct this to you is because, although I see other forum members posting responses to you, it&#8217;s almost guaranteed that their post is a reaction to something you said that&#8230;in my opinion&#8230;.was unduly harsh and uncharitable. I try to keep an open-mind (I have to because I am one of the &#8220;dreaded&#8221; OW), but what appears to be your &#8220;tough love&#8221; method is not always the best solution. Each case is unique and therefore will need a custom-made solution. Life doesn&#8217;t come in a box with easy-to-make directions. Please don&#8217;t get me wrong and think I&#8217;m on the attack. I&#8217;m just trying to understand your methods and reason for unsolicited hostility. I DO read what you say and often can see where it is you&#8217;re going&#8230;I often disagree, but that&#8217;s my entitlement, right? From disagreement comes the possibility for better answers, as long as we&#8217;re willing to concede that our way is not the only right way. Not one of us has all the right answers&#8230;not a single one. To carry on as if we did would be an exhausting endeavor. I like to believe, in my own mind, that my way is best. The reality is, however, that I can be very wrong and give really bad advice. You wanna know why? Because the way my mind works, interprets information, and forms solutions is unique to me. God forbid I should have a clone out there. THAT would be something scary. Anyway, just my 2 cents.<P>OB1

Excuse me, I have little time to debate to you. This began when I offered some advise to two betrayed wives who were talking about how poorly their husbands treat them. I gave some advice that I believe their H love them but do not respect them, therefore suggested they do some work on themselves so that they settle for nothing less then 100% respect. Broken Whatever then swooped in telling them to ignore me, as I am a scorned OW. Whatever. My advice was genuine, not to mention smart! Seems I intruded on the "clique" and that has everyone up in arms!

And let me add that you are correct, everyone absolutely has the right to disagree. But would ya mind telling why it's a-ok for BrokenWings to come in, when I wasn't even speaking to her, and tell posters to "ignore" me, that I a "scored OW" Why not gear your questions and advice toward HER. She could have simply disagreed but instead she was a *****, yet I am the one supposed to keep quiet? Come on!

Here is a clue Bonnie, I have never, even when I am being rude stooped to name calling of any kind. Well I guess I did call you a scorned ow, so if that offendes you then I apologize. Now you have managed to call me "Broken_Record" (which i agreed with), Broken_Whatever (which lacked creativity), and a ***** (which shows how much class you have). Do you see the diff there?<p>[ October 24, 2001: Message edited by: broken_wings ]

Just STOP IT Broken Wings

Bonnie,<P>I'm not looking for a debate/argument, either. I'm trying to understand. Giving advice in the spirit of trying to help is a great thing. However, sometimes it's not the product, but the sales pitch that turns a person off. I know that if someone approached me with even a smidgeon of compassion and understanding, I would be more apt to listen. For instance, a close friend of mine came to me for "girl talk". She was having difficulty with a relationship and needed an ear. I became angry with, what was to me blatant emotional abuse, and took a "put up or shut up" attitude with her. After all the condescending words and finger-pointing, I hadn't helped my friend one bit. She came to me out of trust and I abused it. She was immediately defensive. She didn't need me telling her how rotten her choices were and how awful this other person was. She already knew it. What she wanted from me was someone who would listen, be supportive and talk WITH her, not AT her. Once I got that, we were able to talk through things and look at possible solutions. I changed my tone and she became much more receptive.<P>OB1

If you don't like my style, don't read my posts! I don't plan to change it to placate anyone. I said nothing wrong and you cannot tell me I did.

Maybe all of you regular posters should email the moderator about Bonniebb more commonly known as psycho Suzi. Another psycho OW who was posting on "Recovery" was recently banned for posts similar in tone to its/

Hi Crowd:<P>I have a perspective. It seems to me that Bonnie was saying that faith turned into action changes things. I don't think she was actually putting down prayer. She was just saying that we need to make changes in our actions if we want changes in our relationships.<P>For example, faith without works is dead. It is great to pray... but prayer should strengthen us to pull ourselves together and command respect from those in relationship with us.<P>A lot of time it's easier to play the role of victim. We may want people to feel sorry for us and pity us... instead of calling us to action... calling us to take steps necessary to bring change.<P>prayer changes things most effectively when prayer changes us.<P>Bonnie shared her thoughts, then the next person did attack her on a personal level like Bonnie is a person who can be thrown into a category of non-person... a person who shouldn't be listened to... who has no right to share... who doesn't have the right to share her own point of view.<P>Bonnie IS welcome here and IS welcome to share what she has to say. What people receive and absorb and integrate is their choice in response. I don't think it is very nice at all to attack Bonnie or try to tell her what to think, say, feel, or do as people invite comment by posting a topic.<P>Those are my thoughts. Don't provoke her.<P>Let's try to love one another.<P>In Christ,<P>Laura

LauraLee<BR>THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for seeing what I was trying to say. I don't want to argue and I most DEFINETLY was not putting down prayer. I wouldn't have made it this far without it!