My H has been traveling for the past 2 weeks and he called tonite to see how we were doing, I explained the events of the day with the kids and then said that a friend of mine had come over tonite, upset about some issues she and her H are having lately.<p>We have just moved down here and no-one down here knows anything except for one old highschool friend who happened to move down here a few years ago. I said this new friend knew we were having problems. We are becoming pretty good friends, but I always feel like there is an elephant in the middle of the room. One comment he made a while back was like "You went ahead and told everyone of our problems in NJ and now it is only a matter of time that you start working your way around NC." I tell him it is hard to not divulge any information when she is very present in my life, sees my mood swings, puffy eyes, and watches the kids as I go to therapy. She tells me alot of personal stuff, and I am like that too. I wear my life out on my sleeve, so we are alot alike, hence the elephant. I feel stifled that I can't divulge certain information to her, when she does to me. It is as if part of our friendship is missing.<p>Anyway, although this too bothers me, THAT is not what this post is about. THIS is...I have been saying to him that she has been telling me of thier problems and tonite he says..."Well what are all these problems she tells you?" I explain,and let me just say this...all she was saying was reminding me of all the days, years of "discussions" my H and I had over the 3 years pre-affair, almost word for word. I got teary even listening to her, it was like a flashback movie to me, including the use of all my senses. I could envision us having the fight she was describing and feel the fears and frustrations she was explaining. And all I wanted to do was to tell her what happened so that this doesn't happen to her. It took every fiber of my being to not say anything...anyway, as usual I digress. His comment to this was, (and a little sarcastic in my opinion) "So those are the 'bad problems' that you told me she was confessing to you?" I said, "Well yeah, arent they enough?" He says "I don't think they are that bad..." and I was floored!<p>How can he say that...this says to me that these things, that remind me so much of our problems before the affair, which he insists he explained SO WELL to me and I was SO UNRESPONSIVE to his needs...how can they be so important to him, the breakdown of our marriage, and his reasoning for being so weak, in making such a bad choice of sleeping with someone else ( and I must add...without a condom and getting her pregnant)...but these things are so unimportant in someone elses marriage. How can that be? If they aren't that bad then why was he so unhappy? They were such little problems, so therefore not enough to possibly throw your marriage and family out the window, right?<p>
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>NGU

NGU, I will tell you what I tell my husband...if you're so ashamed of what you were doing, and you didnt' want anyone to know, you shouldn't have done it! He knows that I have told my friends and family. Hell, *I* am not ashamed! *I* didn't have an affair AND father a child! <p>Ok, some might think that this is a love buster, but I need to talk about it. All he does is feel guilty and bad about it, so he's not much help in maybe helping me to see another point of view, or making me feel up, when I feel down. KWIM?<p>As far as the other comments, I have no idea! If what you said to him didn't hit home with him, then maybe it was all an excuse...the reasons that he gave you in the first place. Maybe he was reading a book, or getting advice from friends of what to say or something like that. I think that if what he told you in the beginning was TRULY FROM HIS HEART, then he'd get it, he'd see the same thing as you do. <p>He might also be trying to minimize things because he doesn't want you telling your friend about him and how this awful time in your marriage came about. <p>I don't know about your whole situation, but from this one post, I read that he has blamed you for the affair (he explained so well, but you were so UNRESPONSIVE). Now, you are isolated with all of this pain and you can't talk about it to your friend? I *know* that these men don't feel that pain that we do, they don't have a CLUE! <p>What about the Joint Agreement thing? (can you tell I'm new to the terminology?!) An enthusiastic agreement about who you can and cannot tell....only your counselor? It doesn't sound like you are enthusiastically agreeing to not telling your only close friend. Good discussion material! Or...you can respect him as much as he seems to be respecting you and tell him that you're going to tell her because you NEED to talk about it! End of discussion. <p>As I said, I don't know your situation, so if what I have to say offends you, I do apologize. <p>When I found out that my dad molested my step-sister and we told my step-mom, my dad was really angry at me. He was angry at me when I told my grandmother(maternal). I told my dad, hey, if you didn't want anyone to know, then you shouldn't have done it! I still believe that with all my heart. They have made their story *our* story, and we have a right to talk about it, in an effort to heal, if we so choose.<p>peace~tinlizzy

NGU,<p>I think I would get pissed at H too. Men don't think sometimes well most of the time. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Women are emotional men are not. Feel this person out and if you truly feel you can trust her, tell H you need someone to confide in and talk to. Most of our H's do not want to talk about the affair so tell him it's share this with you or her. Or do what I did I told this young woman who was having similar problems that H and I were having pre affair. It led to an affair. I didn't go into OC details just the rest. Good luck I'll keep you in my prayers.<p>Unsure

NGU,<p>You are in a new state and H is gone all the time traveling. You need real face to face friends. It sounds as if this girl is confiding in you. She is taking the chance to trust you. Take a chance on her. You need someone to talk to and so does she. What in the world is wrong with that? It is amazing you are not insane with being in a new place with only little ones to talk to. I would definately talk to H about this specific issue. He loves you and I am sure wants you to heal. Why wouldnt he? Its not really a benefit for him for you to be hurting and keeping the pain an danger all bottled up. I would think after 2 weeks of holding it all in when he comes home he probably gets an earfull. I know mine would! And if you are talking it out with someone else, you arent badgering him are you? How nice for him! <p>Your H might not want to see that their probs are the same as yours were. He uses them as an excuse and it is harder for him to do so if someone else is going thru it and they do not stray. As Tinlizzy had stated. That makes sense. Bottom line is no matter what he was feeling or what he thinks you werent making him feel or what you were doing or what stress or alcohol or whatever excuse they can come up with- THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR! Maybe he doesnt realize that putting some of the blame on you makes you hurt even more. It might make him feel better in the short term, but itll be worse on you and in the end he will see the outcome of what he is doing. We are emotional as Unsure pointed out and men are "logical". Well logically he is doing more harm than good by insisting you take part in the blame for his and ow's actions.<p>Basically, how can you talk to this girl with her pouring her heart out to you and not say anything? She already knows you are going to counseling if she is watching your kiddos, right. Shes not stupid. She knows you have problems if you are going. Has she told a lot of people or anyone you know of that you are going to therapy? If not then I would assume she is pretty trustworthy. Plus she is telling you everything. Why would she blab your story if you know so much dirt on her?<p>For what its worth.....<p>Love and Prayers<p>bw