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#80510 11/23/03 12:50 PM
Joined: Dec 2002
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Quipper Offline OP
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Dear Love my ex, (Reader Advisory: Contains explicit ideas)

Your style of posting is very polite, respectful and thoughtful. I know that takes effort, and I thank you for your extra effort.

My wife is a Scorpio with a Moon in Aires. She is fairly well able to speak up for herself. She has a number of options to go to the homes of nearby relatives if she loses her temper, or if I feel we need a break. My wife has no compunction about telling me off, and no fear that I am going to go too far overboard, if things get highly emotional.

My wife ordinarily has a 3 minute rejection cycle. She will reject an idea of mine and get perturbed if I repeat the request within about a 3 minute period. When I get rejected, I back off for three minutes, and fashion a new approach, or drop the issue. I may persist on sometining for 7 or 8 Three minute cycles, if it is imortant to me. Usually the second or third approach is all it takes.

I am not able to tell you the percentage of wives who object to errotic materials. I can tell you that there are at least a few mega posters here who are highly vocally anti-porn.

I often try to read between the lines of what a poster says. You have read between the lines trying to understand me. Some things that might help you understand my wife is that she ordinarily gives POJA on errotic videos. Sometimes I am feeling that she is ready for me to suggest the errotic video, but I am hesitant, because she sometimes expresses hesitation.

Perhaps one of the reasons I am willing to argue about what is in the Bible, is because when my wife has listened to an anti-porn Christian minister or speaker, she will sometimes get on a porn rejection streak of a week or two. Therfore, anti-porn Christians are not at the top of my favorites list.

I appreciate your concern for my wife. I have read the Love Diet, and my marrige has improved since I read it, and started applying it.

I have the Boundaries in Marriage book by Townsend and Cloud, with a next returned hold, at the library.

My wife has sometimes asked me to leave the errotic DVD playing for her to watch, after we have finished. She can get up from the bed and turn off the television easily. I control the DVD with a remote control.

So while your husband may have a consistently negative reception from you to a prposal for an erotic video. My reception is erratic, and variable.

I am short of time now, but I did want to express my appreciation for your insights,


Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

#80511 11/23/03 07:42 PM
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Did you even READ the post from LoveMyEx?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoveMyEx:
<strong> I read the thread you referred to and feel almost sick to my stomach by what I read (your beliefs re: pornography).

You said, "I hope you do better than my wife. I often get rejected in removing my wife's top in the marital bedroom. Sometimes with success, I aks my wife to pretend that I stopped by the topless bar after work, and that my wife is my topless waitress."

Quipper, don't you think that it's very likely your wife rejects you sexually because she knows you are into pornography????? Don't you wonder if the pornography is actually hurting your marriage??? You see it as helping but is it? The only thing it seems to be helping is YOU... but not really. It is only helping you specifically to have an erection. I do not see how it is helping your wife. When you are viewing the porn, are you gazing at your wife? Do you tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her? Are you admiring her? No.... you are watching other women and you are conveying to your wife that she is not sufficient for you. That you literally "need" to watch other people have sex in order for you to have sex with your wife.

I am not sure I should continue discussing this. I am not sure you can see any of this or that you want to, and honestly, this is a very vile subject. I truly feel for your wife, although I also think she is foolish for agreeing to use pornography. But I also wonder how you react when she says no, she doesn't want to.

On here, you say that people who don't want to have hang-ups. So I imagine your wife probably gets told the same thing maybe??


You are entitled to your opinions obviously, and it's your marriage. But I truly believe that you can't see the harm pornography is doing to your wife and to you and to your marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't appear that you read her post? Or that you answered her questions. It actually appears that you ignored her post, her questions, and chose instead to perpetuate your own pursuit of continued perversion and solicitation.

Maybe you could read this post again - and actually respond to the direct questions - giving some REAL indication that you have some form of comprehensive reading skill?

Jan

#80512 11/24/03 12:37 AM
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Quipper Offline OP
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Dear Jan, SJ Trouble, (Reader Advisory: Contains explicit ideas)

I believe that I corrected a number of misconceptions that Love My Ex had theorized about my wife. I could add more clarification.

What questions do you feel it is important to address?

Your statement that I "chose instead to perpetuate your own pursuit of continued perversion and solicitation." is a statement of your personal view of the use of errotic images in the marital bedroom. I find no sufficient basis for your view in the Bible, nor in ethical logic. I find your overstatement of the issues offensive.

Blessings,

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

#80513 11/24/03 01:30 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
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raz Offline
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by sj *trouble*:
<strong> Did you even READ the post from LoveMyEx? </strong> [Quote}

I have to agree, your reply did not adress the issue(s) of the post...


[QUOTE]Originally posted by LoveMyEx:
<strong>
You said, "I hope you do better than my wife. I often get rejected in removing my wife's top in the marital bedroom. Sometimes with success, I aks my wife to pretend that I stopped by the topless bar after work, and that my wife is my topless waitress." </strong> [quote]

I just have to say that is sooo demeaning, the fact that you don't always achieve success with that game shows that your wife isn't very enthusiastic about it... take a hint.

[quote] <strong>
Quipper, don't you think that it's very likely your wife rejects you sexually because she knows you are into pornography????? Don't you wonder if the pornography is actually hurting your marriage??? You see it as helping but is it? The only thing it seems to be helping is YOU... but not really. It is only helping you specifically to have an erection. I do not see how it is helping your wife. When you are viewing the porn, are you gazing at your wife? Do you tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her? Are you admiring her? No.... you are watching other women and you are conveying to your wife that she is not sufficient for you. That you literally "need" to watch other people have sex in order for you to have sex with your wife.</strong> [quote]

I firmly believe that your porn use is definitely contributing to the lack of an "overflowing bedroom"... you have said yourself that at times it makes her uncomfortable... it affects her, sin issues aside, fornication issues aside, moral prudishness aside, it hurts her because she knows you prefer images of other women naked, she knows that those images do more for you sexually than she does, that hurts a woman, we want to be your all in all...
you have also said that she waivers, sometimes she doesn't mind, sometimes she even askes you to leave the movie on... okay, even a prude can get turned on by that stuff, that doesn't mean they enjoy it, that doesn't mean they feel good about it afterwards, it just means something stimulated their flesh. the fact that she goes back to an anti porn stance shows that she has not been swayed to your "enlightened" view of porn, she gave into temptation, lustfully viewed something that she doesn't aprove of, and probably feels more guilt than she would admit to you.
It's really hard for a woman who doesn't approve of porn (your wife doesn't approve or she would consistantly accept it) to respect a man who "needs" it. It's hard for her to let herself get really emotionaly close to him if she doesn't respect him in that area... it's hard for her to feel receptive to his sexual advances if that emotional closeness is not there... even if she has sex to satiate him, it isn't very fulfilling for her without that closeness, and repeatedly having unfulfilling sex gets old, even for a woman, it gets harder and harder to pretend, it gets colder and colder in the bedroom, there has been a breach and you can't just gloss over it, you have to mend it. I don't believe you can keep the porn, at least not with your wife knowing about it (I am not advocating hiding it, however) and mend the breach. I believe the porn and the problems it has created are a big part of that breach.

[quote] <strong>I am not sure I should continue discussing this. I am not sure you can see any of this or that you want to, and honestly, this is a very vile subject....
On here, you say that people who don't want to have hang-ups. So I imagine your wife probably gets told the same thing maybe??</strong>[quote]

Another good point, your wife, I'm sure, is aware of your feelings that people who take a moral stand against pornography are the ones with the problem, they're too prudish, (do you use that word discussing it with her, it's very derogatory) or that they've somehow been brainwash by a conservative preacher who has overexaggerated the harm, blah, blah, blah... How do you think that makes her feel? She doesn't like porn, she knows you don't respect the position of people who don't like porn, she knows you don't respect her position, she knows your respect for her if knocked down a notch because she doesn't like porn...
So she doesn't like to have her shirt off with you, maybe she's just not comfortable with her own body, maybe some of that is because she knows you have pretty high expectations after all of your oggling, she knows you have a head full of images of other women's breasts, she knows they turned you on, she knows there are times you "need" those images, times you prefer them... I would suggest that much of her inhibition actually stems from your insistance that porn be a part of your regular sexual diet, I know it inhibited me and I don't think I'm a one in a million case scenario.

raz


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