This is my first time posting anything here,plus i am still very emotional about this monster thing going on in my marriage. i will try to sound as sane as possible. three years ago,i found a bill from my husband's cell phone,not recognizing a lot of the numbers on it.i called them.most were harmless,however,one had a message that said"hi,this is----(a woman's name),i'll call you back when i get your message"so,i asked my husband,who is----?he goes,i have no idea what you are talking about.after much persistance on my part,i found out that this woman is someone we went to high school with,and that they had been secretly calling each other to protect me(ha!) since she and i were never friends.well naturally,i threw a fit,threatening to call her husband,get everything out in the open.they both promised to end the secrecy.i,on the other hand,agreed that they could be friends,if it was indeed platonic,but that if she wanted to talk to my husband,she needed to have the guts to call my house and ask for him.not sneak around on the cell phone.in the meantime,my husband had his bill changed so that the itemized portion was left intentionally blank.so i go on thinking that he is being truthful(dumb me),but his attitude recently changed toward me.he became so critical of everything i do.so i got suspicious again.i found that i could access his cell bill on the computer.well,you guessed it,they call each other every day,sometimes 2or3 times a day.when i asked him about it,he lied.first he said that they hadn't talked for a long time,then later conceded that they did indeed talk,but only once in a while,and only for a short time.he went on to say that i was crazy,going through the change,and incapable of understanding a strictly platonic relationship.he said that what he does is none of my business,since he is a grown man,who doesn't have to answer to anyone.he actually wanted me to call this woman to have her explain their friendship to me.i would not,because i don't want to hear her confirm his lies.i did however,call her husband,who of course,had no idea this was going on,and had never seen her bill either. now what?

Pwecious,<p>Well, this is definately a type of cheating/affair. It is of the emotional kind, and can sometimes be even more dangerous than the physical affairs. I really don't have any advice for your situation, but you may want to copy your original post and post it to General Questions. I am sure that you will receive lots more help over on that part of the forum. This particular part is mainly men and women who are dealing with A's that resulted in a child from that A.<p>I hope you get some more advice soon.<p>Tigger

Dear Pwecious,
I don't buy for one minute that this relationship is strictly platonic. If it were, then it wouldn't have to be kept in secret. <p> I found out the SAME EXACT way that my h was having an affair via the online Sprint bill. In fact he had the bill mailed to his work so that it wouldn't come home for me to see (real nice.). <p> Anyway, here is what you have to do... Not to say that you are going to end up like me (OW is now 4 months pregnant) and I have since left my H and now he runs to her everyday, but anyway, back to you, YOU have to call her H and tell him what is going on. This has to be rebuked and they have to be accountable for their actions. It is going to cause a lot of pain for everyone, but if you just sit on this, like I did before I found proof, suspecting all the time, then the situation could get ugly.<p> Who knows, maybe they are not sexually involved, but they are emotionally, obviously. <p> Pray for your H, pray for the phone call that you should make to other Husband, and most important pray that God gives you strength and wisdom to be calm and loving through this. For whatever reasons, God has decided to allow something like this for you. Just like he has allowed it for me. <p> Let us know what you are going to do about this situation. We are here for you. God bless.<p>Julia

Oh how I feel your pain. I was EXACTLY in your shoes at the beginning of the summer.<p>Here's my story and how I dealt with it.<p>H had physical affair. D-day december 2000. OC was 8 mths. at the time. <p>The first person I turned to was my H and I's mutual best friend (a female). She basically became the mediator between H and I and helped rebuild the communication in our marriage.<p>Fast forward to April... I am floored by my husband confessing he is in love with BF (best friend) and she is in love with him. The both swear to no physical relationship.<p>I was floored, broken hearted and devasted. It basically threw us on the brink of divorce. He was in denial and a deep fog. Much like your H. didn't realize that he was addicted to her emotionally and that is was causing him to be unable to further connect with me emotionally.<p>It took over a month. And he went through some serious withdrawls and slipped back into calling her twice. They even took our kids to the movies. Talk about wanting to die! I also found out they held hand during the movies. That's when I lost it and yes I did the unthinkable... I gave him an ultimatum.<p>I'm not a big proponent of ultimatums, but I couldn't think of any other way. I couldn't possibly live in her shadow. I couldn't break through the image he had of her. He confessed she had many of the qualities I didn't have and that she was easier to speak to than me. I knew I couldn't compete and he'd never see me in the light he saw her if they continued their relationship.<p>I was patient and allowed him his two "slips", but was firm. Eventually he began to focus on us again... and I'm glad to say that all is well and he doesn't call or even miss her anymore.<p>He now has seen "our" light and the good in me and our relationship.<p>Find out what it is he is enjoying about her and their conversations. Then explain to him that it's his wife's place to fulfill those needs. And if you feel it and are strong enough... give him the big ultimatum.<p>Keep us posted. And good luck,
Z. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 27, 2001: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</p>

sorry double post.<p>[ October 27, 2001: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</p>

Thanx so much for all of your support,and kind words of understanding.I did call the other husband,calmly explaining things from my perspective to him.To my knowledge,there has been no further contact between this woman,and my husband.We have talked this thing over(my husband and I),deciding to stay together,to work on our marriage.We have four children,and have been married for 22 years.I wanted to know why he felt compelled to keep this ugly secret.Incidentally,he was seriously hurt in a car accident 3 years ago.The case is still in litigation,meanwhile,our lives are on hold,so to speak.He isn't working,but I took on a full time job,to make ends meet.Then I find out he's playing this phone game,how infuriating is that?I realize that his lack of work,physical injuries,etc. take away from his validation,as a man who could once easily provide for his family,and I am guilty of tiring of the whining.So maybe that's why he felt the need to cry on someone else's shoulder.But part of me doesn't care why,because it is wrong,and very dangerous,not to mention destructive to our marriage.Anyway,hopefully we will work through this test as well,and come out closer than we were.Once again thank all of you for your kindness,and please continue to pray for us.