I was feeling "insecure" for a brief moment today and was sitting on the couch with H and trying to make sure that he was really ok with his decisions regarding contact etc. and what we need to talk to attorney etc. etc....
I asked H about an apparent conflict that he kept hiding behind...(I thought he was hiding something) and he got mad, so instead of new swiss cheese holes in our home we have a broken coffee table!!!!! All for a simple yes or no answer!!!!
The ironic part is that we never argued like we did now since d-day six months ago.
I guess we are learning how to really communicate as it was over as fast as it started...
is this normal or are we forever gonna be this weird????<p>Chuckling....need a new coffee table....but for now it works out as my son is crawling now and needs the space to move around in our small living room.......<p>ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa
twiisty [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

You make me laugh, Twiisty!!<p>I think it has to do with something like this... Some of us have husbands (or wives) who we can sit down and talk to and they will be open and conversation will be smooth and then, there you have it, issue discussed and closed. <p>But then some of us (like me) have spouses who seem to have problems communicating period. They try, but are incapable, I think to a degree. It just isn't in my husband's makeup. Sometimes I see this trait as a weakness, I've called him a "coward" because he is not strong enough to stand tall and take control of this situation, because he lets OW have a lot of control with her manipulative ways (another story, though). <p>I think it was a good sign that you were both able to still communicate with eachother after the coffee table incident. It maybe shows that he is sensitive to your feelings and realized that it would be in his best interest to discuss the issue with you. <p>So you are out of a coffee table huh? Yea, sometimes that happens. I turned over my coffee table a couple weeks ago (I sound like i'm Xena or something), but I understand where you are coming from. I too, am completely calm one minute and can probably turn over a car the next.<p>Julia

Preferably the car with OW in it, right??? LOL!!! I can understand where you are coming from...We have to get through this, right?<p>I too, am in a situation where OW "used" to manipulate and control my H for two years, ("If you don't do this....I'm gonna call your wife etc... etc...") Because I have been perpetually pregnant since 1998 (had two miscarriages in-between H's and my two children together) H was afraid to "rock the boat" due to fear that I would MC my babies. STILL.....I would have given that tramp a run for her money pregnant or not!
There could have been alot of things that could have been done differently in our situation, but I have to look at the WHOLE picture. Sometimes I get stuck on the small parts. The parts that hurt me and I want to maim and do horrible things to H and the tramp (sounds like a twiisted disney movie! ROFLOL....I crack myself up sometimes!)
Anyways, OW is just now finding out with me that if you can't play with the BIG GIRLS...get off the porch. My H tried to warn her about me.
I just rest in the assurance that God and me make a majority and I will leave it at that...for now.
Hugs to you...hope to be able to chat with you sometime....
Hugs,
twiisted.....er, I mean twiisty!
(Debbie)
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Twiisty,
You are too funny!!! Of course, with her in the car, I wouldn't have it any other way.<p> Yea, I talked to my h lastnight and he told me that he is starting to see her manipulative, controlling ways, thank God for that. I guess she stopped over to our apt. the other day with papers for him to sign that waived his rights as the father, that stated he was admitting that he was the father, and also 2 other things - i forgot what they were. He said that he didn't sign anything. <p> OW called me back after I called her (i know i shouldn't have - oh well), here is what she said to me... "fact still stands, B-, I have his baby and you don't". I tried calling her back to tell her off, but she didn't answer. Big Chicken!!<p> I've never been too much of the fighting type (at least physically), but mark my words, if I were to see her on the street, she would deal with the wrath of "Julia".<p> That is so great that you can crack yourself up. You certainly crack me up! Do you have any good jokes?<p>Take Care, God bless,
Julia<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Twiisty,<p>Communication for us after d-day was very odd too. We'd go to loving, sweete, thoughtful conversations to screaming raging idiots! But the good thing is we kept talking, kept fighting, kept letting it all out. We'd take a few days with minimal talk and think about what was said by both and come back to the table more aware of each other and each other's feelings. <p>It was very theraputic although exhausting. <p>It does get better. The fights become less. The loving more frequent.<p>And the good news... when it's all over you can repaper, repaint, and buy new furniture! Because you tore everything else up!<p>You both crack me up. Z.

Julia, you wrote, <<That is so great that you can crack yourself up. You certainly crack me up! Do you have any good jokes?>><p>Well...the only joke I know is OW, but that ain't funny!!!<p>Wish I knew some...I would be telling them to myself in the mirror today... some things set me off today and I need to "calm down"...
Good news is, no broken furniture, swiss cheese decor or broken bones today....*sigh*.....<p>Anyways, I'm off to drown my sorrows in a diet coke...<p>If you ever want to chat with me, I am there for ya!
Hope to hear from ya soon, y'all....
In His Grace,
twiisty
(Debbie)<p> [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: twiisty ]</p>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by twiisty:
[QB]Julia, you wrote, <<That is so great that you can crack yourself up. You certainly crack me up! Do you have any good jokes?>><p>Well...the only joke I know is OW, but that ain't funny!!!<p>
Twiisty,
I think your joke is hilarious! <p> So you didn't have that great of a day, huh? Well, hang in there, girl. We have the Lord.<p> My little nephew (4 years old) told me the cutest joke, it's funnier and probably easier to understand in person but here goes...<p>nephew: Knock Knock!!
me: Who's there?
nephew: Impatient Cow
me: Impatient C
nephew interupts: MOOOOOOOOO!!!!<p>Hope you get it, it is so cute coming from a 4 yr old and i like cute little dumb jokes like that.<p>Love, Julia<p>Hey Z and Twiisty,
When are you guys on aol chatting? I want to get in. Let me know, email me at julia1367@yahool.com<p>Thanks!

twiisty things will get better. As Zebrababy said fighting is part of the process to healing.<p>I wouldn't even talk to my H for a week or so after d-day!<p>He moved out immediatly upon confession. It was good and bad.<p>Here I was alone and the one person I had turned to for comfort in times of need was gone because of what he did!<p>I felt overwhelmed and punished at the same time.<p>We never broke furniture but I once threw everything in sight at anything in sight! I broke glasses, candles, dishes,you name it.<p>H cleaned up the mess!<p>Oh well we all deal differently I guess.....<p>Prayers to you,<p>love
Debi

Twiisty,
We are going thru the same things also. 7months past dday here. About 6 weeks ago we started our joint visits with the 3yr.old OC, and uncomfortable as they were for me, they did go well for the first month (weekly), I thought, yeah, maybe this will work, then wham, the little darling that is spitting image of OW has turned into this totally insecure child, crying the minute she walks into the house, wanting her mommy, and won't let go of H, burying her head in his side. The first time it happened after about 1 hour of trying to calm her down he took her home. The second time the counselor told us to try to wait it out, so she cried for 2 1/2 hours, every time I came in the room she buried her head. So that led to big time agruement after he came home. How in the world is this ever going to work I would ask him? I would scream, call OW horrible names, tell him to go get a Divorce. It was not a pretty site. Monday he had visit over at OW house while she left (remember there is also an infant in the picture) when he came home the usual grilling took place, and I was furious again, our agreement was if he went to her house she was to imeadiatly leave, well, she wasn't quite ready, medicine to give, dinner to feed, bottle to prepare.... I went tazmanian again on him. Last night calm evening, and this morning parted fine. So Ups and Downs, you bet, I have them here also. Maybe this 6-7 month range is a real test.
Tina

I am beginning to agree about the 6-7 month range too...one the one hand, if we survived this long, we should be able to for the long haul, but I know there has to be moments when it all comes back...I know it does for me.
My H doesn't understand that to him, it was resolved three years ago...no contact, ever with either one of them except for the unnecessary reality of CS payments.
I am not that sure of everything yet, being 6 months after d-day.
I am hanging in there, but I did insult my H this morning royally before he went to bed. (he works nights as a cop)
I am really insecure about this court thing coming up on friday...but am trying to lean wholely on the Lord....ain't easy....
anyways, thanks for sharing another perspective. I just know that I can't handle visitation and set boundaries for my personal sake. I admire you for trying to make a go at it. That is courage.
Hugs to you in Jesus.....
Twiisty

I know what you guys mean and it has been 4 1/2 years since d-day for me. My dh really trys hard to do what I ask of him, since we do have visitation. But before we would pick up OC and he would step into the grandmothers house to get her. Of course OW was there but I would be so livid! One time he was in there for 9 1/2 minutes, I was furious. I said you just had 9 1/2 minutes of family time! We call before we come to pick her up that we are on our way! That means have her ready at the door!Well he got mad at me b/c I was mad, but later he apologized. He should have. Now the OW has bought her own house and probably thinks they can have family time for real. I always ride with him for drop-offs and pick-ups, I told him "If you step one foot in her house, its over"! So he doesnt do it. He waits on her porch. Not to mention this past summer she put her sprinkler on so that my dh would go around back, very clever. I told him to call her until she answers. She didnt so I said you have 40 seconds to go back there and get her. He came back in 20! Sometimes he's good and sometimes he doesnt want the arguments between her and I so he tries to please both. I told him you cant please both you put me here in this situation, you please me! Get that, and then he looks stupid [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Like they all do! Anyway I understand what you mean.
Unicorn

Unicorn,
I said the exact same thing to H monday evening when he said "it was ONLY about 20 minutes" I said that was 20 minutes of family bonding time sitting around the kitchen table. I told him she knew what time he would be there, in fact he was 20 minutes late (due to phone call with me) and she still wasn't ready. I told him from now on call her to make sure she is ready at the appointed time, if not, wait till she is ready. She is up to her usual tricks. I also had asked her over 3 weeks ago to please help us out a bit by giving us a simple list of things the 3yr.old likes to eat, play, watch on tv. how to handle her emotional outbursts ect.. as to this date she still has not provided me with a thing, except an short email telling me the size of the 2OC, gee thanks, so next time when we are having a tantrum crying I want mommy, I can say, "oh wait a minute, i have a nice new sweatshirt for you, that should do the trick". Grrrrr!
Tina

I also had asked her over 3 weeks ago to please help us out a bit by giving us a simple list of things the 3yr.old likes to eat, play, watch on tv. how to handle her emotional outbursts ect.. as to this date she still has not provided me with a thing, except an short email telling me the size of the 2OC, gee thanks, so next time when we are having a tantrum crying I want mommy, I can say, "oh wait a minute, i have a nice new sweatshirt for you, that should do the trick". Grrrrr!
Tina<p>You know Tina, there are those of us who try to make everyones lives better, no arguing, no fighting, just being responsible and true adults in this whole ugly situation. I too have asked OW lets sit down and talk about what her daughter likes and what helps and other stuff such as what you said and she began to but now she wont talk, she wont say a word. <p>She sends her over with her hair undone, small clothes on her like she is a throw away child. I feel bad. But we have clothes for her. Her hair is very long but gets tangled easily and she crys when I try to brush it. So OW does that on purpose. Now I just try to brush it up enough so she doesnt cry and puts it back the same way she came, when she goes home also with the same clothes. I believe OW still wants my husband badly. But to take it out on the child is not right. You know also Tina there are a lot of things I would do for the child, extra, extra, but OW is so bitter. This is what she wanted, right! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Unicorn,
It sounds like our OW is from the same mold. But guess what I got in an email today, my list I have been waiting for for 3 weeks. H again on Tuesday told her to get me a list, it didn't have to be a book, just something. So I politely sent her a thankyou for the advice. Like you said there are so many things I would do for the OCs, if she would be more cooperative. Just today I was out after halloween shopping and stocking up for goodies, costumes, decorations ect. for next year,thinking of those 2oc, remember my children are 19 &22, so obviously they won't be wearing the pretty princess outfit, but then before checking out I thought to myself, why should I go out of my way for her,what has she done to ever cooperate with me and put back two costumes, and the dress up shoes, but still have enough things for a grand party next year if I chose to.
Besides CS as of this month just upped to $1,500.00, so she can buy her own darn costumes.
Unicorn, I have forgotten how old is your OC, and do you have children of your own? I think we need another roll call, I get so confused with all of us on the forum, and I apologize.
Tina

twiisty, I had to laugh when you mentioned the coffie table. We seem to have destroyed ours also.I think why our h get so bent is because they know how bad they screwed up and it really has a way of making them lose it just like it does us.
We were driving home from work yesterday and got to talking about going out and buying all new dishes and such. We pretty much destroyed all of them thats how all the dents got in my kitchen doors. We said we would pretend we were newly weds and had a good laugh. Just hang in there I think its normal and the issues in time do get easier to deal with without things getting broke. I think its been at almost 6 months since we have had any flying objects.
with love flowerseed

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Tina71:
<strong>Besides CS as of this month just upped to $1,500.00, so she can buy her own darn costumes.
Unicorn, I have forgotten how old is your OC, and do you have children of your own? I think we need another roll call, I get so confused with all of us on the forum, and I apologize.
Tina</strong><hr></blockquote><p>OMG, and I am going crazy about 560. But it is 2 oc's right? How did they break that down? But I have to stop myself too, because I see the cutest little things and my husband stops me, sometimes I get it anyway. But then we have problems that halt "the buying stuff". Well my oc is 4 she just made four and I have a girl that is 12 1/2 and a boy that is 9. Hey Tina if you want to chat sometimes email me at mrswinburn@aol.com.
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Unicorn