Xmas Eve will be two years that I found out my middle son (9) was not my bio son. As most of you know on this board dealing with an A is enough of a task in itself. Adding a child is even tougher. For me I did not find out until 8 years later through a series of things my wife said after her OM got married and sent her his new babies picture over the internet and I caught it. I guess the years of fantasy and making excuses for his non commital attitude finally wore their way to the bone.<p>I have not handled this well. We went to counseling for 9 months with no real resolve except that I married somebody to young, me 27 her 19, and was the ogar who needed to control my wife. I was very career orientated and was College Educated. My wife had no direction and was not very aggressive in life to that point. I had lived on my own for 7 years to that point. I was also the only bread winner the first year. <p>Anyways, I still have big trust issues. There are things that I want to know that my wife will simply not talk about. Like others who were the WS she does not want to go anywhere that might cause her pain. It has been very frustating for me. I have lost a lot of sleep over this.<p>I hold a lot of anger still in regards to putting me in this situation. My wife has been nothing but a saint since D-day. Especially after the paternity tests. I have not. I get angry and stay out with my friends drowning my feelings which I know is self defeating. I was not an angel in our 17 years and I have told her all without any reservation. I can't say the same about her. <p>Have some of you felt that you were more co-dependant then still in love with the WS. I never blame the boy he is innocent. He is the sweetest and most loving of the three. I get so confused. If I leave to see if absence makes the heart grow fonder I may never find my way back. I jst can't seem to feel truly happy. I wake up every morning to my wifes mistake and that makes me mad yet i could never break the kids heart. I also think it is unfair that I would have to give up my stuff and the things I have worked hard for because of this.<p>I'd appreciate any comments or advice youguys might have.

I don't have an oc in the picture but I will say the only thing that kept me in my M after finding out about my W affair was that I could not destroy the world of my two boys. So I sucked it up and worked to forgive my wife tho I will never forget. She does know that there will not be a second chance. If you can hang in there for your kids as long as you can it sounds like your W is trying to help you heal. That should help alot. Good luck

Dear Ronman2,
I'm sorry you are facing the holidays with this big cloud looming over your head. But while reading your post, something crossed my mind regarding the details you have been trying to discuss with your wife over the years. Would her discussing make any difference to your situation really? I mean, years have gone by and she is still together with you.<p>Isn't she a better person today than she was when you married? You said she has been a saint since D-day, doesn't that count for something? What are you doing to improve yourself as a spouse and a lover beside harbor resentment that is turning into bitterness? That cannot be good for you?<p>I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but at some point you have to realize that forgiveness is not for your wife's benefit, but for your own. Right? It sounds like she has shown repentance, but then forgiveness is not forgiveness if it has to be earned. Think of all the time wasted on negative emotions that you could be spending on nurturing your marriage back to a healthy, loving state.<p>You mentioned that you may feel as if you are enabling your wife rather than being in love with her, but enabling her to do what? That's what codependents do--they enable the person to continue with their bad behavior, but you said she has been a saint so I didn't understand that part.<p>In any case, all you can do with the past is forget it. Your family sounds like everyone is healthy and thriving. Do you realize what a blessing it is to have A+ 100% healthy kids? And not to have to worry about where YOUR next breath or meal is coming from? You have got to find a way to somehow enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going. You have your marriage intact and that is a lot esp. after an affair. God will not use your past to determine your future. It sounds to me like you and your kids all have a bright future!<p>Have you considered individual counseling? Maybe it can help you work through your emotions instead of stuffing them down. Maybe call Steve Harley? Do you think that would be a good idea?<p>How to get through the holidays? Focus on all the blessings in your life and be grateful. You can rebuild your love for your wife but you have to unclog the pipes and get rid of all that negative stuff that is blocking God's love from flowing through you. Trust God with your wife and perhaps that can bring more security to your personal life. Then your expectations will be in Him instead of her because she has disappointed you in the past and she may in the future, but you have no control over that... God, on the other hand, will never let you down.<p>It also sounds like you need a few hugs. You have survived all this! I don't think God brought your marriage this far for you to be miserable, either. Somehow, I believe that your joy will be restored. Keep the faith! <<<<<HUGS>>>>>

<p>[ November 18, 2001: Message edited by: Pollock ]</p>