I was a frequent participant in the Infidelity forum under a different name a few years ago. as I read the postings here I notice that most of the pregnancy issues are from women whose husbands have gotten another woman pregnant. Are there any husbands here whose wives are pregnant by another man? Are you trying to work through that? This may be a sexist statement, but it seems the issues of raising someone else's child could be more difficult from a paternal standpoint than a maternal one. Maybe that's an idiotic statement.

I don't know about "idiotic", but it's a different scenario (and I'm doing it).<p>On the wives' side, you (typically) have no contact/little contact with the child, and a substantial portion of your income goes to child support.<p>On the husband's side, you (typcially) have little or no involvement with the OM. You get to raise a child and be a profound influence in this child's life. But---you also worry about the state of the marriage, and risk CS payments for a child who biologically isn't "yours" if you end up divorced.<p>There are a few guys who are doing this here---I'm sure that the rest will eventually drop in. Feel free to ask any question that's on your mind...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm very new to this pregnancy thing, but very familiar with infidelity. I'm scared and unsure of the decisions ahead of me. My wife is pregnant as a result of her third affair. We are living apart but not legally separated. I am a Christian and I'm trying to make every decision with much prayer. I want to act within the will of God. I'm trying very hard to be open to the restoration of this marriage if that's what God has in mind, although it seems nearly impossible at this point. We have legitimate children that are not going to understand this. I am devistated over what has happened to my family and feel helpless that someone elses sin could have such an impact on my life and the lives of my children. This whole scenario is bigger than I can understand.

Because this is your wife's third affair, I'd be very concerned about a reconciliation.<p>Without knowing your past history, what's the issue surrounding your wife's multiple affairs? Are you "responsible" for not really meeting her needs? Lovebusting? If so, have you worked diligently to correct your behaviors and learn good marital skills? And if you have---how many of the affairs have happened after this point?<p>If your wife is a sex addict, is she willing to seek real treatment (this is difficult) and starting to exhibit solid behavior that will prevent her from having affairs? <p>After you try to answer the "how/why" issues, the next concern is your wife's current feelings concerning the marriage. Is she willing to try to work this out? Or is she noncommittal? Either way---you've got a chance at restoration, although in your shoes, I'd be wondering about my stamina to try a reconciliation in which my wife wasn't willing to commit at least 80%.<p>Your legal situation isn't really horrible. If you have other children, the difference in child support between 3 and 4 (or 2 and 3) isn't probably a big deal. You say you're separated right now---are the kids with you or your wife? If you were to divorce, would you want primary custody (residence) of your children?<p>Why don't you try to fill us in with detail about the situation, and where your questions are---we'll do our best to help you talk it out.<p>God bless.

I was going to post this as a new topic but I must respond to K about meeting your spouses ENs<p>You can be the best H/W in the world meeting all the ENs of your spouse and that may still not keep them from cheating.<p>Until a person sees an affair for what it is (sin)and that it has devastating affects on ones family they may at any time cheat again.

P.S. does P51 stand for Mustang

champ:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You can be the best H/W in the world meeting all the ENs of your spouse and that may still not keep them from cheating.<hr></blockquote><p>Agreed. What I'm trying to do is to determine if P51 has been the best husband in the world (for his wife) or not. If he hasn't---then there are areas he can address that may make a reconciliation more successful. If in fact he's done all this already and established a consistant track record in good marital behavior---then the ball is more in his wife's court.<p>A large percentage of affair-ridden marriages have a component of either unmet needs or poor (lovebusting) behavior associated with the poor state of the marriage. It's not an excuse to have an affair---but it does provide the betrayed spouse an opportunity to do something positive in trying to recover the marriage.

Champ & K, I'm very familiar with Lovebusters, His Needs/Her Needs, Give & Take, Family Dynamics, Joe Beam, Dr. Harley, James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough, the Boundaries series, etc.... My wife and I actually led an eight week HN/HN course and helped three couples who were on the verge of splitting up stay together. They are still together and apparently happy two years later as a result of Dr. Harley's principles. After my wife's first affair we both became intimately familiar with all these principles. My wife completely understood how devestating an affair is to the spouse, children and self. She is not a sex addict. I believe she has an unrealistic expectation of the role a man should have in her life as a result of her father leaving when she was young and never being able to feel unconditional fatherly love. I'm not stating that as an excuse, but a reason. I believe there is a gap in my wife's life that only God can fill, but she has expected me to fill it and became susceptible to other men when I couldn't. My wife is a Christian although she readily admits she is struggling with God now.<p>P51 does reference Mustang.

To just expound on K's point for a second. Only a women can do what my wife did to me. She pretended that my middle son was mine. She was adopted and therefore had a big out when it came to the fact that the boy created by the OM and her did not look like anybody on my side for sure. She could keep the secret. He was not going to ask if it was his. He would have been asking for a lot of financial and emotional trouble. In his case he just wanted "action". They never even talked or mentioned it could be his. The fantasy would then end. He was to important to her physcologically and emotionally for her to ruin his life or stop what she "thought" they had. <p>In the case of a man getting a women pregnant, there are other considerations that are not in his control. The women can pretty much call the shots because legally she can get money from him, tell his wife, pressure him to be with her and many other scenarios. He can't hide it all by himself. <p>My wife hid it for 8 years. She felt "she" strung him along and did not want to ruin his life. He never comitted to her and therefore she had to develop strategies and ways of thinking that justified her actions and convince herself that what she did was right, beautiful and pure versus wrong, coniving and deceiptful. She once told me it was the most wonderful time of her life right after D-day. Then when he would not talk to her or want to hear about the paternity test verifying it was his biologically the soul mate/fantasy was officially over. He was now married with a new baby. He had the balls to send her a picture after not inviting her to the wedding. By the way, she continued her activities with out contraception after he was born and another son was conceived, officially mine, only through the luck of the draw (was with us both in the same day)and I won the kid lottery. It was officially over at that point. He was not going to deal with three kids and a wife he knows is already an adultress. <p>Meanwhile, I have grown to love the little boy. He is very sweet and lovable. He would do anything for his dad. I do not blame him at all. The reconciling has to come between his mother and me. Even though she was found out through other means then just sitting down and telling me she has comitted to saving her mariage and her family. <p>This is where the hard part comes in. There have been other people here who have said that when they find out years later it is as if they have to reconfigure the way their memories are. They have to go back and fit memories into the new reality. This my friend was and is gut wrenching for me till this day. I wake up to a little boy that reminds me of the most horrendous thing a wife can do to a husband and at the same time feel his unbridled love. Pain/hurt versus love. It is truly an oxymoron of real life. <p>I am no special person. I had my moments of infidelity. Never got as involved past teh one nighter but no saint none the less. Our life and relationship has drastically changed. I am having a hard time even while in counseling letting go. It is just my nature. I stay mostly because I love and would miss the kids and I do not deserve to lose my stuff. I don't want to ruin the kids life for a mistake 3 adults may have made. Sometimes I don't know if it is enough though. I just want to run away sometimes and be by myself for a while and live apart from the situation to see if living outside of it makes me accept it more. Meanwhile, I spend most of my time miserable and unhappy with my current life and am looking forward to the day I can be happy. <p>If there are any questions for me my email is ronrothstein@hotmail.com. There are a lot of guys out there in my situation who are afraid to post but who peak in and I would be glad to share whatever I can. Meanwhile I'll keep on truckin.<p>Ronman2

I am also in this particular situation. I haven't been here in a while due to some pretty dark times I was going through (you can find my story by searching for milton_elvis). But I couldn't help stopping by again. <p>My W is pregnant as a result of her A. We are trying to work things out but it is difficult. We are separated (I am in Italy and she is in the states). We have been talking a lot and things seem to be going good, but I can't help feeling terrified. I haven't seen her since September and I am planning on visiting in December. That will be the real test. She will be about 5-6 months pregnant and can't help but show. I think that is when the reality of everything will _really_ set in. <p>I'm not sure I can raise the OC as my own even though I have offered but at this point in my life I'm not sure about anything. She was diagnosed with lupus a few weeks after returning to the states and that has made her a high risk pregnancy. I feel so guilty all the time because whenever I talk to her I want her to tell me she has lost the baby. I'm not sure how I can go from wanting to hear such bad news to loving the OC as my own. <p>I have been reading tons of books, been going to therapy and doing some other not so constructive things in the past few months. I don't know if I will ever feel "normal" again but I am trying to figure something out of this whole mess. <p>I don't know if it is more difficult to deal with my situation than it is for a BW to deal with OW/OC but I do know that this is the worst thing that has happened in my life and I'm sure any BS feels that way.

This is an excellent thread...up for 'masabres' and 'Bystander' when he returns.<p>Catnip =^^=