Someone from another board suggested that I come here for support, encouragement, and advice. I have appreciated the responses I got there, but I guess it can't hurt to tell someone else my story. So I am copying my post from that site to here. <p>I'm trying so hard to do the right thing. But I don't want to.... And more than anything I wish we had a time machine. <p>Here are the basics- My husband had an affair which produced a child almost two years ago. He told me about it. We dealt with it and I thought it was over. Unfortunately he wasn't man enough to end it at the time and they conceived again a few months later. During all of this, we conceived and miscarried twice. My doctor told my husband that both miscarriages were likely due to the huge stress of his affair. My husband was very remorseful, but he has a real hard time thinking about anything other than what is going on at the moment. He was remorseful at the moment, but then he got around her and fell back into old habits. Finally we went together to her and I sat in the car while he went in and broke up with her. She came out to the car and holding two children asked him to choose between her or me. He did telling her that he never should have been with her in the first place and that although as mother she might be in his life, she was not his choice. We came home with a big burden lifted. A child has always been the big goal for us so I feel like he gave his treasure away to some trashy woman and he gave up my treasure too without even consulting me. <p>He loves those children and so he tried to maintain a relationship with them, but she kept interfering and telling him that it was a package deal. He told her no that he was the father and that he would behave like a good one. He has done this with my support and encouragement. He and I are much much more strong and stable. I have seen a better guy and I have seen him turn down women when he didn't know I was there. Our relationship has become really really good. But finally she left the state and has tried to disappear. We have had no contact for five months. And he really missed seeing the kids, but at least I know it's about kids and not about her.<p>Recently we found out where she is and that she has been abusive to the kids and has a history of that. It is even documented in past court cases since she has had two children taken away from her. It was such a horrible story that we decided we had to do something. We have filed a petition for paternity and custody. We had a preliminary hearing and the judge was obviously on our side. We had a minor glitch in our paperwork which the judge said to fix. We have done that and are on our way back to court next month. <p>My problem- well, I don't want these kids in my life. I feel like it's the right thing to get them away from her because of her situation. I know he loves them and wants to be the dad that he never had. He keeps saying that we can treat them like they are our own. But they aren't. They are just a reminder of a really bad time in my life. They are a reminder that my husband was a cheating wimp. They are a reminder that we lost our children because of his selfish pleasure. Why couldn't he have had an affair with someone who was at least decent enough to take care of her own kids. I just don't want these kids around me. But I know it's not their fault. I know they are in a bad situation. I know they would be better off with us. I know my husband is trying to do the right thing too. We both believe that getting these kids is the RIGHT thing, but we both are torn because we can't do the right thing AND make me happy. Just when I thought we were going to have a nice life and get back on the marital path and try to conceive again, we have to deal with his stupid affair again. I guess I need an attitude adjustment. I'm just tired of it. Any advice? Aimee

Well, here's the attitude adjustment you asked for...if you could find it in yourself to accept a husband who father not one, but TWO children outside your marriage, I'm sure you can find it in you to accept these innocent children. Your H and the OW have done enough damamge to these innocent ones, they need a home and your H wants to givbe them one. No one forced you to stay with him, it was your choice. You knew what he did and you accepted it. Why in the world would your H have unprotected sex AFTER having one child with this "trashy" woman?
I am in your shoes, except the OW is decent in my case. But there are twins involved. Although it's hard, I am doing my best to accept them. I chose to stay with my H, I have to accept that these kids come with him now, and so do you.
Maybe you will learn to really love having them around. Good luck.

((((aimee))))<p>I imagine that this is really difficult for you! <p>All I can say is that I've been thinking about this alot regarding my own situation. We're not sure if the ow's child is his or not, although she says that he is...depends who asks, she told me. If the boy is his, I think that he should pay for the child AND be a part of his life. The boy should be a part of our lives. My kids should know their brother. (that scares me to death!!!!!)<p>ON THE OTHER HAND.....I also think about how it would affect me. I would have to look at the child and be reminded all the time about the affair, the cs payments would take away from MY children, my WS would be in contact with ow and so would I and all that goes along with having contact. I know that it's selfish on my part.<p>My heart tells me that this boy is innocent. It's not his fault that his mom and my WS had sex. It's not his fault that my H couldn't keep it in his pants! He is an innocent child, deserving of love from both parents and anyone else who is willing to love him. His future is being shaped now by this whole thing and it will continue to affect him regardless if my H is the father or not. Do I want him showing up on our door-step as a troubled teen wondering why his dad didn't love him? No. I don't want this boys heart hurting at anytime thinking that his daddy thought that he was nothing. (I pray that the ow does find a good man to be his dad regardless of who the biological father is) The good thing is that the ow is almost decent, I guess (considering all things!). I think that if we knew that this child was in an abusive home and didn't have a chance at a good life, we'd for sure get the DNA test and try for custody. I know that it would be hard, but I am the adult here, and I am capable of love.<p>My situation is a bit different than yours. My WS doesn't want any contact. The OW told me that the only reason that she had this child was out of spite. She was going to have an abortion, but was tired of my brother-in-law telling her to get one, so she didn't. As far as I know, ow has only asked once if my H wanted to see the child. He said no. <p>I wish you the best. When I have a very difficult situation, as I do now, I ask myself....WHAT WOULD LOVE DO?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bonniebb:
<strong>Well, here's the attitude adjustment you asked for...if you could find it in yourself to accept a husband who father not one, but TWO children outside your marriage, I'm sure you can find it in you to accept these innocent children. Your H and the OW have done enough damamge to these innocent ones, they need a home and your H wants to givbe them one. No one forced you to stay with him, it was your choice. You knew what he did and you accepted it. Why in the world would your H have unprotected sex AFTER having one child with this "trashy" woman?
I am in your shoes, except the OW is decent in my case. But there are twins involved. Although it's hard, I am doing my best to accept them. I chose to stay with my H, I have to accept that these kids come with him now, and so do you.
Maybe you will learn to really love having them around. Good luck.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Bonniebb come on, you are so harsh on people. Maybe that is how you are but be a little more compasionate. I am sure you mean well but this seems to be a rough time for her.
Unicorn

Aaime,
There was this other board I used to go to and the W and exOW didnt get along at all. Well the exOW was dying and asked the W to take care of her daughter, in which she does now b/c exOW has passed on. Well she told me that she loves her step-daughter so much but she wish the OW was still here to take care of her daughter, it was an odd thing for her to deal with. She said she was taking it one day at a time. But it was hard.
I suppose as we all do go through hard times it gets better eventually but yet be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. Listen to God and let him tell you what is right for the kids but YOU as well. He will tell you. Also dont beat yourself up, we all can handle certain things others cant and maybe this is one of them that you cannot handle [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . Take care!
Unicorn

Hello, I don't think it's wrong that you don't want these kids in your life, after all you are right, they are reminders of what he did, but if you choose to stay with your husband, you choose to accept his kids..It's sad the ow was abusive, these poor children are lucky to have one parent who does care though. In this situation, it seems to be a package deal...That's just my opinion, I will pray for you.

Aimee2,<p> I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation in the first place. Just let me tell you that I am on the
other side of the spectrum. I was the one who had a child from an A, and my H is raising her as his own,
with our other 2 children. My biggest advice to you is to pray that the Lord leads you in your decisions! If
you put these feelings you have in His hands, he will guide you through this troubling time. You may
want to look at it as you being the right woman for these kids to grow up as their "mom" in every way but
one, just as my H is doing with Abbi. He loves her with all his heart, but it was very tough on him while I
was pregnant with her. He put his trust in God, and God has provided him with all the love a child could
have. These 2 children have had a rough start in life, what with the abuse. But, you could show them
what love truly is. A favorite saying around here is "God will not give you more than you can handle" But
that is only true if you trust Him to guide you through it all.<p> I hope that I was of some help. <p> Tigger

Aimee2,
you are dealing with a horrible situation.<p>You never have to deal w/H's oc's. Do not feel as if you must.<p>You have no c's together and although it would be extremely difficult you could leave the marriage .<p>That is ME however and not you.<p>You have a monstrous problem to deal with and I wish you the best.<p>To me, a H who didn't learn from his FIRST mistake shouldn't be allowed a bunch more at your expense.<p>
I can't fathom why. I can't even begin to deal with the rawness of your pain.<p>You never have to accept these c's.<p>It is up to you and H to begin a poja.<p>Please read as much as you can here to help you save the marriage if you want it.<p>If you do try to counsel and say what is in your heart .
I wish you well.<p>prayers...<p>love
Debi<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</p>

I just wanted to clarify something. When I ask myself, "What Would Love Do?", that also includes love for yourself! <p>I think that although BonnieBB could maybe not be quite so straightforward, she has a point. How many times do we really let the WS screw us over?! Well, as many as we want, I guess. I'm sure that many people look at those of us who are not only staying with our WS's, but those WS's have children with the OP as well, they look at us like we're crazy!!!! (sometimes I wonder the same thing!!!)<p>It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Only you know, in your heart, what the right answer is. <p>good luck to all..........

Dear Aimee,<p>Wow, honey, my heart just breaks for you. This really is a tough situation to be in. I am wondering what kind of realtionship you had with these 2 children before ow disappeared. How difficult was it then or did you leave that up to H? Is it that you are not sure you want to deal with them on a day to day basis as thei "mom"?<p>Have yall consulted with a lawyer yet to so how hard it would be to get custody? And if you probably could get it would ow be involved in their lives still? If you and your H do not step in what will happen to them?<p>I think ultimately you have to ask God what He wants you to do. If He wants you to accept, raise and love these children rest assured He will make it possible to do. You can do all things through Him. <p>I will be praying for you to have guidence and peace in your heart as you go through this difficult decision.<p>Please let us know how it is going...<p>Love and Prayers<p>broken_wings

Aimee,
I too understand what you are going thru. My H also fathered 2 oc in his 5 year affair. I found out 3 months before the last one was born 7months ago. H has chosen contact, and I am trying my best to be supportive. It is a day by day process for me, sometimes it seems it can be so easy, then after a horrific visit I wonder why am I putting myself through all this. Then I answer myself and say because I still love my H.

Bonnie, I also wish you wouldn't be so harsh, your statement about why H would have unprotected sex with "trashy women" after having 1 child is obviously something I think about every day, I don't need a reminder. Just because H fathered these two "innocent" OC doesn't mean that I instantly accept them in my life because I have chose to remain married. I am still in a grieving period so to speak. It is like ending a comfortable 26yr. marriage, and beginning a whole new marriage with a whole new set of rules. This process will take time, I am not going to rush thru this process, we are seeking professional guidence, and hopefully in time the 2oc will fit comfortably into our life. That is not to say if OW called and said she was leaving the country and getting married, I think I would tell her good luck and I would pay for the honeymoon.
Tina

Aimee, I am the one that reffered you to this site. I have already responded to your post and the offer still stands if you want to talk.
i wanted to say that I do agree with one other point here...you do not HAVE to do anything... this is something that is totally up to you and your H.
We have chosen no contact, and I repeat WE. When I first found out I told my H that he needed to have contact, but that was within the first 24 hours of discovery. I then realized that I really couldn't handle it and it would have definately harmed our recovery if he had.
I asked my H about the contact issue and he said that he had no desire to have contact AT THIS POINT(which scares the h#%% out of me, b/c at any time he could change his mind.) He did, however, ask me how I felt and what I thought he should do. Instead of telling him that he couldn't see him, I offered him my opinion on what would be best for the child and us at this time. I did not try to sway his decision, but simply told him how it was. He made his decision of no contact, and although I ask often if he regets it he stands his ground and says no, that working on us is his first priority.
Now, some may say that if I was completely honest about my feelings in all this that indirectly I did sway his decision, but no I didn't. I didn't say I would leave him, (I always said I would if he cheated but here I am) but I did tell him how it would affect me. See up till now, I hid alot, and I won't do that anymore. I mentioned that before in my other reply. But he has shown me that he had no regard for how I felt, how his actions would affect me or our family, gave me no part in the decisions he was making...and although he is now, I have to protect myself and my feelings.
In no uncertain terms, I WILL leave him if he does this again...and for now I WILL work on my marriage, but just as he makes no promise of this child never entering my life via him seeking my H or my H seeking him, i cannot promise that I could accept contact, all I can say is that I will do my best.

aimee,
Are you or your husband getting any professional or religious counseling from ANY source?? I would think counseling would be critical in this situation, what with the possibility of getting custody.<p>Prayers,
J