It's been almost 12 years..My husband fathered outside of our marriage and has been paying child supp ever since, but he chose a different path.. We didn't even know of the OC until she was 2 months old! We got a letter in the mail stating my H must come for a paternity test. We prayed but it ended up being his. We cried all night together. I told him I cannot force you to be out of this child's life because ALL children are brought into this world for a reason...but if you must be in this child's life, you cannot be a part of mine.
So, he chose me over the child and has never been in contact w/ OW & OC except for payment reasons. My husband and I were 17 when we were married, he fathered the oc at 20; we stayed together and now we have 4 beautiful children of our own, great careers and our own home..He has proven that he loves me..yet in the back of my mind, the thought remains that there is a child out there and I feel sorry for the child but I despise the ow for knowing my h was married..I just wish there was a way I can better cope with this secret..NO ONE knows except me and my husband..one day oc may come into our lives..and that is something I must learn to accept..i understand this, but how do I cope...how do I prepare my children for this? how do I prepare my family for this. We are this picture perfect family..with an ugly secret. Thanks for hearing my story...

Wow Confused! This is a real story!
At the point of repeating myself...<p>The same thing happened to my Aunt and Uncle. He had an oc and never told her until their c's were grown! paid cs and saw oc from time to time.<p>Oc was introduced to family at last when youngest graduated from HS. My Aunt was a saint! Accepted D and her other kids did and didn't. Original D was happy to have a sister. Son was indifferent and pleasantly polite.<p>Now 8 years later they hardly see OC and she is married and out of state. Except for cards around the holidays everything is pretty much back to normal in all of their lives.<p>It was a BIG DEAL in the family and everyone sided w/my aunt who is the in-law!!! Supported her and goog came from it.<p>Chances are by the time oc seeks (if) your H your c's will be grown.
The lesson they will learn is that it was a mistake at a young age and everyone did the best they could.<p>You are not responsible for any of that despite what others think.<p>Bless you.<p>love
Debi

dear Confused: I am in the same position. married at 17, 4 kids perfect family (So I thought) found out husband has a 2yr old child. I made him choose between me or C and he choose me but I feel like I am keeping this deep dark secret , I know this will come out one day and I'm terrified, this is all very new to me because i just found out about 2 weeks ago. I don't even know how to cope anymore, so if you want to talk you can email me at treciais@aol.com . I look forward to hearing from you.

Dear Sos..<p>I sent you an email. It's nice to find comfort from people who understand how you feel.

Confused,<p>You have dealt with this a long time and I commend you on it. <p>Your fear is well known around here I believe. My family and my children do not know of oc either. The major blessing in out case is that just recently ow has contacted us and is now married and wants her H to adopt oc. But she is willing to keep open communication between us all so one day, if either side wants, we can meet her. Still, my family does not know. I can not bear to tell them. I think it is because I fear they will not be accepting of my H after that and then I would have to write them off until they could. My marriage is first in my life and I will not jepardize it any more than I have to. I scares the bejeezes out of me to think of the day I will have to tell them. I wish I had some wonderful advice for you, but I do not. <p>Just pray about it...<p>Love<p>broken_wings

I will share my humble opinion, if you don't mind [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My thoughts are that secrets usually end up hurting people. How did we feel when we found out that our WS's w/ oc didn't tell us about it? Did we feel extra loved because WS was trying to spare us the pain? No. Most of us felt really stupid!!! For me, the 4yrs that he kept it secret, is almost the worst. He had a one night stand, but 4 years of lying. Who was he trying to protect? Him or me? I'm sure that Dishonesty is a LB regardless if it's your spouse or children.<p>Has anyone ever read Adultery, The Forgiveable Sin? The author explains how A's are multi-generational. If you did your family tree on affairs and/or divorces and the WHY, you'd see that there were many affairs involved. Children are so much more aware than we give them credit for. There are so many children in this book who "knew", but then felt that they couldn't say anything and it affects them/us forever.<p>I was telling my dad about that book (who was a WS) and he told me about how my great-grandfather got a woman pregnant in this town and many people knew about it. It's like affairs are a coping mechanism and we pass that on unknowingly.<p>It's definitely up to the individual if the secret should be kept. I just feel that secrets like this usually come back to haunt us or the people that we love.<p>My children do know and for that I am sorry. Only because they don't even know what sex is yet (7 and 4) and they don't get how daddy had a friend, kissed her, and had a baby all of a sudden. So, that part really sucks!!! I don't know why, but my WS told them. I guess they asked why we were fighting all the time. I am hoping that they are learning,not that it's ok to cope in this way, but that when people have problems, they can be worked out with alot of hard work. Time will tell, I suppose.<p>Just my opinion.

Confused,
I too understand the picture perfect family with a secret. It is so difficult carrying this burden alone. My H's siblings do know of ocs, but they never speak of it, with the exception of an older sister by about 20 yrs. H parents do not know, and my family will never know! That is the one promise H made to me, that my parents never find out, they would never approve or understand my trying to work out this situation, besides they are in their late 80's and they don't need to be upset about this. Granted I am an adult, and decision is mine, but I still have this issue of wanting their approval, and no one can really understand that. Our children are humiliated and wish never to discuss the OC. So I carry around this huge burden. Unfortunately the public is starting to find out, and I just want to crawl in a hole and cover myself up.
Tina

I will not tell my kids, My oldest almost found out but I somehow avoided it, I know by her reaction she would hate her father, my 14 year old honestly would be okay, my youngest is only 2 so it really has no effect on her now, his mother and sister know, no one in my family does and if they find out I will leave because there is no way that i can take all the whys and hows and etc etc, I do not know what the future holds but the past is gone and even though I try to forget it I can't but if this secret does come out I will go and maybe it would be easier if I did not have to live thenightmare anymore, does anyone else ever think that way? sorry if this is depressing but On Dec 2 it will be 4 years dd for me and OC is now 5. it never goes away does it

Dear c-cs,
I am sorry your family is in this predicament. I think your husband did right by you to respect your feelings and not cause any further harm to your marriage by remaining in contact with OW. Some would beg to differ, nevertheless, but that's just my opinion.<p>Unfortunately, no, we can't wave a magic wand and make OW/OC disappear, BUT hopefully the OCs mom in your case will do her upmost to protect her child from being rejected by your family!<p>I have a grown OC who was raised with no contact and he knows where he is loved and wanted--at home with me and his stepdad and twin siblings. He has no emotional ties to his bio father nor their family. They have rebuilt their marriage and are still together. I wish them the best and I want the best for my son which means not inserting himself into that family ever because that is NOT his family.<p>I hope your husband's blunder can remain untold. Your marriage has obviously recovered and that's the main thing. Besides, who cares what people think, what God thinks matters most. Who has the right to judge you if you have already judged yourself before God? No one...

tinlizzy said:
"It's like affairs are a coping mechanism and we pass that on unknowingly."<p>I think this is true of many things we pass on to our children. If we don't examine our behaviors and all that counseling-stuff, we pass it on practically unchanged. That is why IMO counseling is such an important part of recovery, so we can fix what is broken in ourselves AND our marriage. I plan for my kids to learn about the a/OC eventually from H and I, so not only is there not the covert/secret stuff (which for now protects their normal innocence), but so we can spell out why daddy's behavior was WRONG and hurt people and shouldn't be repeated in their own adulthoods. Amongst my worse nightmares is H passing this stuff on to my children... One of my big reasons for staying is so they could be around their father.<p>Just my opinion. Confused, no one can tell you what is "right" for you and your family. Each family/OC situation is different.<p>Godbless,
J
3 years recovery

I think that I need to add something.....<p>The ow has my WS's aunt babysitting the child. My children had been over there playing with their cousin and possible brother. My husband's family knew about this child and affair. The ow told me that the child says "daddy *****". (i was in shock about that one!) She told soooo many people about this situation that I cannot believe it took 4 years for me to find out!<p>I did want my children to know because I didn't want them to find out the way that I did....from someone else. They were bound to find out, eventually because so many people knew. Can you imagine my children playing with this boy and him telling them that their daddy was also his?

I have a question..I have tried to contact ow, regarding what she's going to tell her child? Is this my business? I don't know if she's telling her child her father is dead, or what..and does she put his name down whenever she fills out forms for school or anything..I emailed her and she doesn't reply. I have always been kind to her(although she makes my blood boil), for the sake of the children and because I am a real woman. My husband has never played a part of this child's life by choice, except to pay child support and provide medical insurance..She hasn't spoken to me ever...I don't know if this is good?

My husband's OC is 7 yrs old. Our youngest is 8yrs old. There are 4 mos between them. Our children do not know of the OW or the OC. My husband has never seen his dau. He says he feels that he has no desire to be her father he would rather leave it that way. However, we do pay child support every month, $500. It still kills me after all this time to realise how much the OW has stolen from me and mine by her allowing herself to get pg. I always found it interesting that she did not get pg until he told her he was ending it and I was preganant.
She even had the audacity to tell me she wanted him to be as good a father to her child as he was to mine. When I told her that in counseling he said he loved me, not her and did not want a life with her, she said he only said that in counseling. Would you believe that 6 years later she sent him a letter telling him how much she still loved him. That no man could ever be to her like he had been. She dreamt of him kissing her still. After reading this I wrote her and asked that she not ever send him such mail again.
As far as contact, I tried to initiate some communication between her and me, I was told it was not my place. All dealings concerning the OC
should be between her and my H. I said in that case there would be no dealings. Therefore there
haven't been. They live in NC and we live in TX. Unless the OC decides at sometime she wants to get in touch with her father, he will not seek her out.
I truly fear the day she enters our lives. My children are 8, 13, 19, 23 and 25. Regardless of their ages, they will all take it hard. I worry about my son learning at 18 that his Dad was sleeping around when I was pregnant with him.
My children will learn that their father has feet of clay. That will be devastating for him and them, but I didn't create this situation, I have to just put the pieces back together again.
So like you we have a "family secret". One day it will burst in upon us. I hope we will all be strong enough to learn from it and not repeat past mistakes.<p>TG

Dear c-cs
It doesn't look like OW has any intention of acknowledging your questions... Perhaps she is afraid because she knows you could not possible be genuinely feeling kindness toward her as a person after what she did. Can't blame her for avoiding you, unfortunately... Maybe if she were a bigger person, she would apologize to you and try to be polite for her kid's sake. I have no idea why she is not answering your e-mail questions? E-mail seems like a fairly safe way for you guys to exchange thoughts. Maybe it's best to just leave her alone since it makes your blood boil anyways...<p>[ November 06, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

I imagine that the ow talks to me because when I confronted her I wasn't mean at all. I actually thanked her for her honesty. Sometimes I think that I am too nice! I hate that! <p>She told me that she'd have the dna test for me (what a sweetheart [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ) <p>I plan on talking to her again and this time I'm a little angry. I found out that she told H that I was with someone else. She told him that after he told her that he loved me and his family. She slept with 3 men and figures that mine is the daddy. Even though the baby was born 3 weeks later than the date she gave me for conception. Oh, and she was at my house at a party and was telling my husband how horny she was for him while I was inside with my baby and toddler. So, she's not as nice as I thought she was! I want to tell her that!<p>I think that if you feel the need to talk to ow, you should go for it, but be prepared! You might not like everything that you hear and it may not all be the truth!!!

confused-cious:says <p>I am sorry for your pain and do not envy your situation. But I may be able to help answer some of your questions.<p>Here is the Cliff notes version of my story. I got pregnant by a man that I was dating. I had NO IDEA that he was involved with anyone else. And yes we were careful. I had NO reason to believe that I would get pregnant.<p>Several months into my pregnancy he called to say that he and his fiance were finalizing wedding plas and that it was important that I have an abortion or else she might find out.<p>Shocked, I cursed him out and hung up the phone. We have barely spoken since that time.<p>After my baby's birth we established paternity and I refused child support. I knew that it would not be worth the aggrivation dealing with him and hsi wife. <p>For me the problems came when his wife found out. Turns out she was someone that I worked with. WHAT A MESS!!!<p>I am now in a loveing relationship and my son is not old enough to ask questions about his biological father.<p>To answer your questions:
What will I tell my son about his father-absolutely anything he wants to know. I have nothing to hide and have ZERO interest in shielding this man or his wife<p>What do I put on the "Father" blank on forms - nothing . there's nothing to put. Once I marry his stepdad's information will go there.<p>I would NEVER go out of my way to hurt this man or his wife, but I won't help them either. I have often wondered if they think of us. We rarely think of them. They are a non-issue.<p>I feel badly for his wife becasue she got WAY more than she bargined for in this whole deal. But I encourge being gently honest with your own kids in such a situation. Because truth is this other woman could come and bit you on the [censored]. Over the years I have done things that I thought were polite or appropriate that have devastated his family because they didn't know the truth.<p>{ie. sending his mother a christmas card with my sons picture.) I swear to God I thought she knew.