It's been a month since I moved back to the city. Over the past thirty days, I have been staying at my son's house, my friend's house, my other friend's house. I've been sleeping around but it isn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. Probably because when I have stayed at someone's house, I sleep alone.<p>It's funny. My son is a computer geek...it is his livlihood, yet, he does not have Internet hook up at home. My friend on the hill has no interest but has a computer (blow the dust off) and no Internet access. This friend, Marcia, does have Internet. I moved into her house last night...so here I is.<p>My friend Marcia has a huge house with an attic that she is renting to me for the next six months until the lease expires on my house so I can either move back into my own home or sell it and buy a townhouse. Anyway, the attic apartment is pretty cool, actually. I guess I'm Rhoda and she is Mary...er, perhaps Phyllis without being really annoying.<p>My other friend, Janice, (the computer illiterate one) came over and helped me set up my new little apartment. We bought a slip cover for the chair that Marcia's cat has a fondness for and uses it for a scratching post, put up curtains, hung my favorite mirror (the one that makes everyone look twenty pounds lighter). The furniture is on loan from the Janice Museum of Ecclectic Furnishings.<p>The drama continues in the non-marriage. I am doing everything wrong and in a constant state of crisis and emotional meltdown. My husband is distant, involved in his own life and has little or no time for me and refuses to help me financially.<p>The painful part of all this is that I have gone out of my way to care for him, comfort him when he needed it, help him financially when he needed it, found money for him to go into treatment, found money for him to move our household up north for a job opportunity that didn't pan out, found money to move us back, etc. etc. etc.<p>I guess I just thought we were in this together and that we would assist each other until we were able to put our lives together.<p>Tonight he admitted to me that he really doesn't give it any thought as to how I am faring or if I need anything. He thinks I've just been having a high old time going to movies (1), going to lunch (3) and just jerking around instead of getting a job. The reality of that is that the movie was at night, the three lunches were nice but inbetween job interviews, faxing resumes while living out of a suitcase and trying to find some semblance of normalcy in my life.<p>This entire time he has been staying with our son. I stayed there for a few days but felt unwelcome and it was very uncomfortable there, both physically and emotionally. My son is my step-son and he only tolerates me at best.<p>I feel so incredibly abandoned again. I feel so rejected and lost right now, I can hardly stand it. I worked long and hard at restoring the marriage and gave my husband everything I had, including forgiveness, and in return, he gives me nothing. <p>He claims I keep throwing the OW into his face for the last three years. Nothing could be further from the truth and I can't believe how he can constantly rewrite history...and actually believing his own distorted perceptions. He blames me, holds me responsible for our situation and hates me for it. I hardly know how to answer him. He thinks he has done so much for me...and there was a time for 18 years that he did. I am not dismissing that at all, but the point is that right now I need a little assistance, not a lot, just a little.<p>He starts talking about how I throw OW at him all the time while I argue the only time I do that is when he is treating me badly, calling me names, distancing himself from me or treating me as if I am insignficant. When we were working together to rebuild, I never brought her up. In fact, he was the one bringing her up and I would tell him I didn't want to think about her or talk about her.<p>So tonight, I blew it. I said, "I can't believe you won't help me out here when I need your help." I then said, "You gave OW three thousand dollars of our money within a month's time, sent her four bouquets of flowers, and there is nothing for me when I need it."<p>He said, "When I was first with you, I did all these things for you, too."<p>I sat there stunned and said, "You were never supposed to be with OW at "first"...you were married to me at the time. You can't compare this!"<p>There was never supposed to be any romantic comparisons between what he had with me and whatever it was with her. I can't accept that. It's comparing a Jaguar to a Yugo.<p>These last few weeks have been as bad as discovery in many ways. I have had to face the obvious...that the man simply does not value me, love me, care about me, have any concern for my well-being, does not want to talk to me, see me, desire me, has any gratitude, has no desire to take care of me in any way, blames me for everything-especially things that were out of my control or that he is responsible for, refuses to fight for us, make any effort to restore the marriage or place it in it's proper place of importance in our lives, like #1, where it should be.<p>I think the very worst part of all this is how he dismisses everything I have done and contributed to the marriage. He thinks he has 'carried' me all these years. While when he worked outside our business, he did make more than I did, but I worked all the time. He forgets how he would constantly stand in front of me, in awe, complimenting me on all the millions of things I did for our business like public relations, advertising, letters and correspondence, every aspect of the business, staying until as late as three AM while he slept. He diminishes me, discounts me and tries to take away my dignity.<p>I am in this alone, Kids. In fact, I am the one who has humbled myself to him, fought for him, comforted him when he mourned, drank, threatened suicide and forgave him when he was broken. When it is all about 'them' and there is no room in their lives for you, it's time to turn out the lights and go home.<p>This is a very difficult thing for me to do because I am still in love with the amazing and wonderful man he was for 18 years...I don't know who this guy is that has been hanging around for the past three years, caught up in himself, so ungenerous, so out of touch and self centered.<p>I've cried as many tears over the past three months as I did the first year of this remarkable and all encompassing tragedy that tore my life apart, killed my spirit and broke my heart into a million pieces. I miss him so much and who he was with his wonderful integrity, character and goodness. I had such deep respect for him, admired him and trusted him with my life because I knew I could. I looked up to him and thought he walked on water. I loved him so much and was so secure and grateful and filled with joy every day. He pampered me and spoiled me and bought me cards and left me notes by the coffee pot telling me how much he loved me, how it was still all like brand-new, how I made him so happy and how grateful he was for what God had given him after the sadness he had had in his life. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. In exchange for these wonderful 'gifts', I worked conscientously to become the best wife he could dream of.<p>How could he forget these things so quickly?<p>So what happened? He started to drink and he went crazy. I guess I shouldn't take it personally. It ain't me.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Wow, Catnip,<p>I am so sorry to hear how it is going for you right now. You were always the strong one. I can not believe he has done this to YOU! I think it would be easier if he had died. Then it would just be mourning for the man that once was and not all this bewilderment and anger bc you still see his face and hear his voice and know that this isnt him, but it should be, but it isnt. That is just so hard to deal with. Death would be easier.<p>Cat! Stand strong! You are the woman! You are the ultimate on this board (IMHO). You have always managed to give wonderful advice, tell wonderful stories, and always uplift those who needed it. I wish I could do half of that for you. Just know, we believe in you. You can do anything. I know you can. That perfect job is waiting on you to find it.<p>You are in my heart and my prayers right now.<p>Love<p>bw

catnip, I read your post several times. I can't give any advice, but I want you to know you are not alone. I feel bad for you and the pain you are feeling. <p>I felt very touched at your last full paragragh. I feel I can somehow relate. I, too, tried to be a perfect wife, lover, confidant, mother, etc. The pain is/was overwhelming, especially when one is betrayed by the one they truly trusted, felt protected by, and loved. Someone I felt "could walk on water" too. <p>I have been fortunate that my H and I have another chance. <p>I hope you find the strength to endure.<p>ember

BW<p>It's tough to be the strong one when one is enveloped in self-pity, which I am wallowing in tonight I guess. But then, it is kind of cleansing to cry and let the rivers flow. What the hell. I am feeling better already just getting thirty days worth of bottled up frustration and anger and disappointment out in the open. <p>I have had my two friends to complain (?) to but I am sure this is starting to make their collective asses tired. I know I am already sick of it.<p>And then, in the huge scope of things, my problems are stupid and vapid when compared to the heartbreak thousands of families are enduring in the aftermath of the terrible tragedies out east. So I whine and feel so ridiculous, yet I feel better now.<p>How stupid and shallow are our problems? Isn't the family and marriage the backbone of our civilization? Wouldn't the terrible things we face every day be easier to endure, giving us the strength to give to others in need when we have so many blessings? Why is it we are torn asunder, weakened by our own brand of grief that we don't have much left inside us to give to others in need because we are so needy ourselves? Is this the new face of civilization? To have our families ripped to shreds by shallow vapid spouses who's only interest is to avoid problems by giving up instead of fighting the good fight and thus sacrificing the things most important in this world...a committed loving marriage that sees one through the most devastating of circumstances?<p>Before all this happened three years ago and since, I used to get involved in all kinds of different causes and politics and community projects. Now I couldn't care less. And that's where the tragedy lies. No inspiration. Indifference.<p>Now the people in the east are dealing with the most abominable of situations, forced to witness something only Hollywood fiction writers could conjur up in the past. All those people gone forever in the blink of an eye, never knowing what hit them, instantly wiped off the face of the earth, leaving behind grieving, shell-shocked loved ones...and here I sit feeling sorry for myself when heroic men and women loose their lives saving others.<p>It's that old paradox again...the strength comes from the marriage and the family. If a person has that, they have everything. And you are absolutely right, BW, it would have been easier to see my husband physically die rather than to see him die this slow and torturous emotional death that is killing two, not just one.<p>I'm getting way ahead of myself and waxing philosophical on an empty soul. I'm just thinking outloud and depositing here where it is safe to say ridiculous things.<p>Ember<p>Everyone here has looked at their betraying spouse in wonder trying to figure out how they missed the signs or what it was that made them change into these self centered people that say and do such rotten things...things that haunt.<p>It's so strange to think back and remember my husband when I first knew him and think back on some of the things he said to me like, "My Dad always told me to watch what I say to people because once said, you can never take it back." I remember that moment and then compare it to him now and the terrible, terrible things he has said to me that has absolutely crushed my heart and will stay in my memory forever, juxtaposed right next to all the wonderful things he has said to me, causing me constant confusion and pain. I think back to our wedding night and how excited he was to be married again. I called him "my husband" and he got all choked up and said, "Say it again, I love to hear you call me your husband."<p>Thanks for your replies, BW and Ember. It is good to talk to you again. I've missed everyone here.

Catnip,<p>I don't even know where to start. I am so very sorry. You have always been the backbone for so many of us. And it hurts me to hear that this is where you are in your life. <p>I agree it would have been easier to have your husband pass. My aunt's husband last year was killed in a car accident. And even though she is still suffering, she knows what I have endured. And that she has said sometimes it is easier to lock away the good image and miss him than to have the one that we have.<p>But like you said there are so many people in the East. I have tried to put those things into perspective for myself also. What would I do if I did lose my husband, or lord forbid if I had to face this nightmare again. I can do it through prayer. <p>You too will survive, I love the song, I will Survive, just keep listening to it, it can cheer you up. I don't know how many times I played it so that I could pump myself up. Some of my best times in my life have been on my own, or like you are doing with my girlfriends. We are all here for you. There is hope. You are the most confident woman I have ever met, remember that. It holds true for any person, there can be another person out there for you. Someone who will respect for you. But I know you, you can be happy, you don't need your husband to make you. I am sending you prayers, I am just so worried about you. keep your head up, you will survive all of this. <p>babstr.

Dear Babstr<p>This is so wonderful hearing from you! I didn't think you were here anymore. Thank you so much for responding and for your kind words.but you know, I don't feel all that confident lately, but then, I know this is temporary. I am the walking wounded for a time and I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself, to grieve and then to move on. It is so hard when one has such a long involved history with someone they were so deeply in love with...but then, all of us here know that.<p>As far as it would be easier if they had died rather than endure this, this is true. Had my husband died in that truck accident in January 1996, he would have died loving me, being faithful to me and our closeness and our intimacy intact...I would have grieved horribly for loosing him for many years, yet, I would have been left feeling cherished and valued, treasured and desired. I would have been left feeling 'whole' and confident and my self esteem intact, living the rest of my life respecting his memory, with pride in him and what we had and what we built, and the 'specialness' of what we had, or what I thought we had. I would have spoken of him with admiration and love and the memories of what we had would have carried my the rest of my life with joy in my heart. I would be able to function as a whole person giving to others, involved in the things I have since abandoned because I am just too damned depressed. I am hoping these feelings of depression and heartache will go away in time and I can be what I was and put all this behind me. <p>As it is, Babstr, I will miss him, the way he was for 18 years, the rest of my life. God, he was wonderful and amazing. He was a real man willing to face any issue without cowering or giving up. He used to know how to fight the good fight, now it is just easier for him to throw it all away...like so many in our disposable society.<p>I spend too much time trying to figure out why and how this all happened to begin with when things are so bad between us. When he was in serious recovery with me, he was so much like his old self, I found myself falling in love with him all over again. During that time, he made me his number one priority. He was loving and attentive, compassionate and considerate. I was healing quickly. He was giving back to me all I had given to him...the way it should be. I never ever mentioned OW unless it had something to do with CS or the courts and we needed to discuss it in a business like way. I never used it to beat him over the head with it yet he is rewriting history and saying I did this, when I did not.<p>But he needs his reasons to keep his shirt clean, to live the lie.<p>Well, Babstr, I am not even going to go into the amount of CS we are paying and how it is destroying our lives (it's horrendous-you'd think she had a half a dozen kids) because I know this is your bone of contention, and rightly so. The laws are corrupt, unjust and evil. But it is good to talk to you again and I am so glad to see you are still here.<p>We'll talk again.<p>Love

Oh, Catnip, How I feel your pain....I've been absent for some time, mostly lurking, but checking in to get some feedback...I too am so tired of feeling like I give and give with nothing in return. I have no words of wisdom other than to Psalms 139..the Lord has searched me and known me...He knows what we are thinking before we ever know or act it out...He has a plan for us.... as long as we have Him to all back on we have nothing to fear but ourselves...we have to learn to quit putting ourselves on a guilt trip when we fall...always remember, as long as we ask to be picked up by our heavenly Father, and acknowledge our failures, He will forgive us.....Catnip, you are a beautiful person I can tell and you have a great soul. You will know where to go....Go in peace....keep in touch. We all love you and are with you all the way.

Hi catnip,
I'm so sorry that your stepson was not more hospitable to you, after all you did for him! Isn't he the one YOU raised????? Sheesh!<p>It sounds like you are going through the stages of greiving right now. I don't know all the steps but I think there are 5. Orchid mentioned them in GQII and refers to them in some of her posts if you feel like looking up the thread. Very interesting and probably applicable to your emotions right now.<p>Another thing, it could be seasonal with all the darkness at this time of year--it doesn't help motivate us much. Maybe motivates us to curl up in bed at 6:00pm! Oh well, at least you have computer access now!<p>You have a LOT of reading to do to catch up! Welcome back and keep spilling your guts, you really know how to capture your emotions in words. Take care of yourself girl, you'll get through this. If you got through all of THAT, you can get through this. Heck, before you know it, some gracious gent will be asking you out on a date!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Okay, maybe it's too soon to think about that, but not far from reality Miss Missy. There are probably about 10 guys out there who would take you just the way you are and be GLAD to get you! So don't rule it out completely! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]