yes, my husband and i are in counseling with our pastor. embarassing to know that pastor knows of infidelity, but he is helping us struggle through. we are pursuing custody because we (h and i) both believe it is right. not desired on my part at least, just right. we cannot afford atty, but ow has been before this judge before. and we are trying to follow the letter of the law. judge's only comment was that we should have paternity. husband told him that he would do dna (came back 99% on both), but that main thing was to get children out of situation. with ow's history, judge was very understanding and agreeable. if not for the abusive situation, this would be much simpler. husband is also torn as he is committed to rebuilding and regaining trust with me. he knows that having 2oc with us will be a constant reminder and he has offered to drop suit if i cannot handle it. he believes i come first, but we both see innocent children in a bad situation. husband has changed by the grace of god. i know it, i see it, i feel it. but we still deal with the consequences.<p>my h has never had very much contact with the 2oc, but children were always his big dream. just because they are his, they are precious to him. i think i am mostly hurt because his biggest treasure has not one thing to do with me. selfish feelings? yes, but that's how i feel. plus, he wants a child with me now. and rationally i am thinking "are you nuts!". you want to bring me a 2yo and a 1yo and have me pregnant too? i am 36, i work full-time, we are at poverty level, i don't really even want children and boom he wants three all at once?<p>since my h is very attached to these children, it is difficult for him to see that we may not be the best option for them. he and i both know that we should help to get them out of their current abusive situation, but being with us is not necessarily best. that's not emotion talking. our finances are very weak with high debt. we both have low income jobs (combined $30k last year). and both of us have jobs that keep us there long hours. we are buying our home in an okay neighborhood, but it is a 1 br with kitchen, livingroom, and bath. no options for 2nd or 3rd bedroom. we could certainly give them love, but i'm not sure what else. plus there are other family members who are much better off. i even remember ow talking about a female cousin whose husband has good job and they want children but always miscarry after a few months. Sounds like an option to me... <p>i have resolved that if we are the best option to heal us and these children, then god will create in me a desire and love for them. i believe that regardless of how they came into this world, that god can use the situation for his glory. i don't want them now, but i believe that if it is right god will change my attitude.<p>thanks to everyone for responding to my pain. husband was amazed when i told him that other people were in similar position. as yet i have not shared this site with him as i feel it is a safe haven for me, but i may do that soon.

How old are the children?

children are 22 months and 11 months.

The only thing I can think to say is BE SURE...
Be sure that this is the right move for both of you. Be sure that you are ready to take on this lifetime commitment. Be sure that your marriage is prepared for the long haul. Be sure that you are doing this for the right reasons.
These children are innocent victims. They need the love that you may be able to give, not the money. However, it is also not fair to start the ball rolling and then down the road decide to leave them. They will have enough difficulty adjusting to the new situation wherever it is. No one can predict the future, but be sure you're heart is with this decision.
Have you spoken to your pastor about this move? Have you spoken to your husband about all your reservations and concerns and hopes for the children. Has he given you all of his hopes, concerns, and reservations? I believe with God's help anything is possible, but I try to keep my eyes wide open also.
I will be praying that God's will will prevail in this one. Sending prayerful thoughts.

aimee,
I've tried answering a couple times and my computer keeps crashing.<p>First, I commend you for working on your marriage and working with your pastor! Have you shared some of your fears with him? Taking on parenting of two abused or neglected babies is hard work under the best of circumstances, and with the financial and emotional crisis involved, this sounds VERY stressful! Is the XOW not neglecting them enough to lose custody to the state? (IE foster care) Is there ANY way the XOW could be convinced to give them up for adoption? Many couples in better circumstances would LOVE the chance to parent them.<p>Given you can't make XOW do the right thing, you're stuck with same deliemma: to take kids or not, right? If you think you can't take the stress, that it will break your marriage, then I'm thinking don't. On the money issue, if this would eliminate child-support payments (your H is paying, right?), then it shouldn't cost much more to raise them than to pay support. Your H might think having a biochild with you would help you feel better about the OCs, but it doesn't sound like you can afford it, and two that close in age is a MAJOR handful, muchless three!! I can't even imagine starting parenting with two kids those ages: wow! I think you would need good resources: family, friends, counselor(s), church, whatever, to really succeed. They might grieve for their mom, or be so unattached that you would have to make a special effort to bond with them. Kids that don't experience a bond with a primary caregiver in the first 3 years can become real problems to themselves and society! <p>So, obviously don't take this lightly, but I also kind of disagree with tryin', in that I'm not sure anyone in your position could go into raising these kids without some honest doubts. Now is a good time for prayer and serious listening/reflecting for a God's-will kinda answer. <p>
My prayers for you and yours.
May angels surround you,
Jenny<p>[ November 07, 2001: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>