OK..I'm new here and need some loving advice and help. It's been 3 weeks since I found out about H's affair and that he may be the father of the OW's baby. She's still pregnant and apparently due in December. I'm already struggling because she was a part of our lives. He was friends with her and 9mos ago I became suspicious that thier boundaries were not appropriate and expressed my concern to my husband. He swore up and down that there was nothing but friendship and I was being paranoid. SHE even called me to go out for a pop one day and talk and confronted ME about my suspicions telling me they were unfounded and she didn't want MY man. Incidentally, this was the same time she told me she was pregnant...just didn't tell me it might be my husband's. I knew she'd been wanting to have another kid without a relationship so I wasn't surprised...disgusted but not surprised. So, I decided I was being a bad Christian wife and petty and jealous so I told my husband that even thought I could see what she wanted i trusted him and would accept his friendship with her. After a few months she moved to another state and many of the problems H and I had been having seemed to disappear right along with her and we'd even joke about him being the therapist for his female friends...he's always had female friends but this one, the OW, was the only one I'd ever felt weird about. Our joking even carried into the realm of him being a sperm donor for his "friend". We decided to continue with our plan to seperate, geographically since he wanted a type of job only available in the area he grew up in...about 1800mis from where we lived at the time, and I couldn't go because of some health issues and schooling. We decided to seperate and work on our issues and work on our marriage at the same time, still believing we could work things out. After he moved I snooped in his email and found a letter between him and a friend talking about if the kid is his he'll do right by it but he decided he didn't want anything to do with the OW. THAT is how I found out. I was devestated and beyond angry...but, sadly enough, not surprised. I called him and confronted him on it and he finally admitted it. I told him I didn't want to hear from him for the next 2 weeks...we already had a visit planned..he was coming into town so I just told him I'd talk to him then. In those 2 weeks I did a lot of work on my own feelings..boards like this and books and a lot of journaling I was able to face him. When he came in to town it was awkward but we sat down and spent the last week talking openly and honestly. Every question I asked he answered without anger and seemed to be open. We came up with goals and a time line for him to meet those goals and then seperate goals for our marriage. He's agreed to get 3 way calling so even though he's broken it off with the OW, if she calls then he'll call me and we'll all be on the phone so there are no more secrets and no one on one dealings between the two of them. He's also going to counseling with a pastor and, when he can afford it, a christian therapist. I'm proud of him for all he's doing and pray he upholds his promises. Now, sorry this is so long [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , we don't know yet if the baby is his and because she slept around a lot, there is definite reason to doubt, but he wants to have a paternity test and we've even talked about trying for custody as she already has a daughter and is a rotten and neglectful mother. Has anyone experienced this? Any thoughts? Legal advice? Anything?? I need help on this one as I'm still not sure what I feel about all this. Thank you all for any help you can give.

Dear HeavenWest,
Wow, what an amazing story. You have been through so much. I think you should definitely wait until you are sure that the baby is your husband's then take it from there. No reason to get all caught up in all the what if's if the baby belongs to someone else. Just try to face one day at a time and separate this drama out from your holidays with your family. Make a point to enjoy your holidays as we celebrate the birth of our Lord. It looks like your marriage is well on the road to recovery and for that I congratulate both you and your husband. Keep the faith!

I am amazed at your straight-forward attitude.
Maybe it is like when my father died, he was sick for about six months before and we prepared emotionally for his death. On the other hand when my grandfather died, it was very sudden and we were totally unprepared. I was closer to my father, but I had some time to prepare and it was easier on me. In your situation I am sure you are hurting, but you sound really under control! I suppose that is good, but if you lose it sometimes just know that that's okay too.
<p>I found out about my husband's affair about 9 months ago and I still feel devastated at times, still very angry and hurt. I cry and scream and wonder what did I wrong or what I could have done differently. Perhaps you go through these things too. I know everyone heals in their own way and in their own time. So no matter, share with others who will support you and think and pray before you act. <p>As far as custody, I would agree to find out paternity for sure before you go very far, but I don't blame you for thinking about it and discussing it with your husband. I always want my what-ifs answered too. My story is similar to yours and you can read it in two posts that I recently made here. One called "Totally torn...over custody of husband's oc"; the other is called "Totally torn...thanks for your responses". Just knowing that there were other people who had dealt with this has helped. I hope it does for you too. Also, I may not be of much help, but we have filed custody papers and are almost ready for trial, so I may be of help to you there if you decide to go that route. In my case, ow is on assistance so child support office cut down some of our costs.<p>My husband and I are still dealing with the "what to do" of custody. Right now, we have only done court work, so our main goal is to get the kids out of the abusive situation. But very soon (first of 2002) we will have to decide about placement. I still see them as a reminder of my husband's cheating, his lying, his inability to say no, and his disrespect for each of us and our "commitment". One friend has told me that they are also a reminder of my husband's changing into a more faithful man. It is still tough on me and a tough decision, and we are praying to make the best for all involved.

I wish you the best. And if you feel a surge of emotion at any point, just know that it seems to be natural. The knowledge and consequences of this affair will not just go away. So deal through it not around it, take care of yourself, and stay in prayer. I have heard it said several times, that if spouse is remorseful and changing then you CAN make it through. My husband has been very good about this, he took full blame, he was truly sorry, he hurts for what he has done, and he has and is taking steps to make us better. But several times he's said, "why does this come up all of the time? it's past. can't we just leave it in the past?" Well, the affair is past, but child or not there are consequences that are in our present. We both have a huge desire though to get through to the other side of the pain. It is possible. Whatever you do, as they keep telling me, make sure you can handle it.<p>God bless.
aimee2