Hello All,
Well I have gotten myself into quite a situation. After reading all of the posts and comments of Dr.Neal, I have got a decent handle on the emotnions I am experiencing.

I am a cheating boyfriend, have been dating the same girl for 2 1/2 years and recently she and her 13 yr old son moved into my new house. Our relationship is good, however I was having feelings of unsatisfied needs. I seemed to be pulling away from my g-friend as far physical contact goes and just losing that yearning for another person one should have in a relationship.

Anyhow, my next door neighbor introduced me to his cousin who is very attractive and recently moved into his house. We did nothing for several weeks besideds increase contact with each other. Things progressed and we eventually had about a three month realtionship, that was very exciting and satisfying. She fulfilled many of the things I felt were missing with my g-friend.

I truly established feelings and so did she. I eventually asked my g-friend to move out and pursue things with the new lady. After about a week my feelings of missing my g-friend took over and we agreed to move her back in.

I have cut all contact off with the new lady and it has been about 2 1/2 weeks since we last spoke. I am grateful for having a second chance with my g-friend, however I miss the new lady terribly. I cannot get her off my mind and seeing my neighbor each day, her cousin, just reminds me off her. She lived next door to me for 4 months, though she recently moved.

My neighbor and I have become great friends, before the new lady, however he continously updates me on her status and what she is doing. This makes things extremely tuff as I am trying to move on and create a better life with my g-friend and I. It seems her name alwys comes up and then I start diging for info and wont quit talking about it.

My feelings of withdrawl are so strong, I have remained strong and not contacted the new lady. Making things more difficult, the whole family will be at my neighbors tommorrow, including new lady, and I do not want to see her or even her car! Those feelings will be so real.

Any advice? I truly wish to make things work withy my g-friend and am committed to the no contact rule. It's just I miss the new lady so much and after 2 weeks the thoughts and feelings just wont subside. I feel like I am going nuts!

Help!!!

Hey B,
I helped my H through withdrawal, it is very tough and I commend you for staying strong.

In answer to your questions
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">however he continously updates me on her status and what she is doing. This makes things extremely tuff as I am trying to move on and create a better life with my g-friend and I. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you discussed this with your neighbor. Tell him how painful this is and ask that he not bring her up.
For my H is was something that I felt I needed to talk about but when I did it brought up old hurts and memories.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My feelings of withdrawl are so strong, I have remained strong and not contacted the new lady. Making things more difficult, the whole family will be at my neighbors tommorrow, including new lady, and I do not want to see her or even her car! Those feelings will be so rea </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Leave your house for the day! Find something fun to do with your gf and stay away. There is no reason to make things any more difficult than they already are for you.

These feelings won't go away over night.

Have you read surviving an affair? It might help you to deal with these feelings.

How much does your gf know? Have you been radically honest? What are you doing to make your relationship better? Do you know what your gf 5 most important needs are? Does she know yours?
I think the more positivie things you can do to solidify your relationship the better you will feel.

Hang in there...

le

I have considered purchasing the book, I am just afraid my g-friend will find it. She knows nothing of the affair.

I have spoke to my neighbor, but maybe a stonger talk is needed. I have become close to his family, so it seems any referrences to his family conjur up memories.

I am working on things with my g-friend and she thanked me last night for making changes and trying.

I am just so scared with new lady withdrawls, I feel trapped!

Thanks for your reply

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have considered purchasing the book, I am just afraid my g-friend will find it. She knows nothing of the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here is your first problem right here. Deceit and dishonestly allow for cheating. If you don't get some honesty in the relationship, you aren't protecting against this in the future. You are also leaving the door open to restart the relationship with the OW. Telling your GF will help you close that door.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have spoke to my neighbor, but maybe a stonger talk is needed. I have become close to his family, so it seems any referrences to his family conjur up memories. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to either get this friend's complete cooperation in not mentioning the OW, or you need to stop seeing him until the withdrawal is over. If you find that seeing him again restarts the withdrawal (and it may) you may need to discontinue this friendship altogether.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am working on things with my g-friend and she thanked me last night for making changes and trying. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She only knows a little of the truth, so tell me what changes you have made?

Withdrawal symptoms do end, but you need drastic measures in place to keep from re-addicting yourself.

Dr. Harley:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coping With Infidelity Part 2: The End

Thanks Takola, advice understood!

Bee,

I have to agree with Takola, which is what my initial questions were directed at.

I have learned from life a relationship that is not based on 100% honesty is not functional. Get the book, talk to a professional on how to handle the situation. WOuld your gf consider coaching? It might help you both, you in telling and her in accepting.

I will get flamed probably but you turned to someone because you had needs going unmet. You were wrong in that decision, but you aren't 100% at fault in the relationship. SO IMO the more you can work on fixing it together. The more your relationship will grow.

You might also read info on this site www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com.

le

Thanks Le. I am considering telling the truth, just very difficult due to the fact that the event took place literraly NEXT DOOR. I do not want to threaten the neighborhood and destroy more relationships than neccessary, my g-friend would be crushed if she new that the neighbors new off this, she is close to them.

I have realized through counselling that this was more of a sypmton thing due to childhood issues than any particular person. I feel that if I can work on my own issues and WE can work on couple issues, such as coaching you suggested, we may be able to move forward.

Thank you so much for your advice and I am open to more!

BeeWee

All the advi

B,
Man can I relate to the neighborhood knowing and causing chaos.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am considering telling the truth, just very difficult due to the fact that the event took place literraly NEXT DOOR. I do not want to threaten the neighborhood and destroy more relationships than neccessary, my g-friend would be crushed if she new that the neighbors new off this, she is close to them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW was one of my friends, little did I know when I was dancing with her at my d's wedding, she spent the night b/f at the bachleor party with my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ! Everyone knew but me.... let me tell you how that felt. After my H told me the truth at least I knew what everyone else did. It helped. It hurt, I thought it would kill me, but it didn't and it helped me to build trust. It does make it weird to be around some of the guys that were there, and their are a few that we don't associate with anymore but I wouldn't trade the honesty for those friendships!

You have to do what you have to do, but I would talk to your coach about helping you be honest. A relationship can't be built on a lie and can't grow if there are skelton's in the closet.

Maybe after reading more here and reading the book SAA it'll help.

le

Thanks Le! Things are getting better, still have thoughts of the OW, but they are not as biting as before.

My personal counselor gave me some insight that the the OW has issues, she continued to push forward when she knew there was a 2 1/2 relationshipa nd a 13yr old boy. The correct thing to do would have been to say "hey, if you are ever single, call me!

But you know what, none of that really matters now! The point is to move forward with my g-friend and see if we can work things out. We go to our fist session with couples counselor this coming Monday.

My actions were of an adolecsent and I need to ast as an adult. Doesn't make things an easier with the withdrawl sypmtons, but the reality is that happened and I have to dig myself out of the situation.

Your advice is awesome and I couldn't imagine the story you mentioned above, the night before your wedding at the bachelor party, UHH!

We'll if you can get through that, then you give me all the hope to pull through this.

I'll keep you updated since you have the most replies to my posts! Thanks so much

Hello BeeWee, I too am suffering from withdrawls.......very hard at times......I choose to tell my husband about the affair.......I believe that I did this out of guilt......it did feel better though getting it out.....the A ended 8 months ago.....unfortunately the feelings that I had for this OP are not gone......and probably never will be......my husband is very supportive and has been there for me......I'm not sure there are very many spouses that would have been as forgiving as he has been......One of your responses mentioned that telling your girlfriend about the affair would help you close the door......I believe this to be true.....honesty is hard but very liberating......be patient with your feeling for the OW it will take time.......
cleogirl

Thanks Cleo. It has been about one month for me since the affair ended and yes the w-drawl symptons are tough, hopefully they do not last eigh months. Having patience is the way to go, just tuff to maintain during the thought process.

I have maintained the no contact rule, the OW cousin is my neighbor so that makes things tuff, it brings back memories evryitme I see him and his family. To make things worse, the affair took place next door, as the OW lived with her cousin for 3 months and that when things started.

I have sought individual counseling and my g-friend and I have sought couples counseling, so we are trying to work things out.

It is good to hear someone else in the same shoes as mine!

Any suggestions on how you are dealing wiht the withdrawls sypmtons? Is it tuff to show affection and open-up? How has your sex life been since the affair ended, honestly?

Thanks and look forward to your reply.

Beewee

Hello again BeeWee, Yes very hard for me sometimes to show effection to my husband......I try and open up to him because he wants me to......but I always feel that it puts him 10 paces back.......One of my problems before the affair was communication, and I am trying to be better about that..........As far as our sex life.......I believe that it is better now.......wasn't that way initially though......remember I have several months on you.......I do remember though having a very hard time being intimate with him at first.......but things are getting better and more comfortable.......I love my husband but miss the OM very much.......it's abitter sweet.......I have run into the OM twice now since d-day........we chat about surfacy things.......hard for both of us........but hang in there I believe it will get better.......I guess the burning question for all of us WS is why did we go there.......still trying to figure that out.........
here for you......
Cleogirl

Thanks Cleo. The reason we go there is because we were not feeling fullfilled with our current relationship. Something was missing that we found in the new person, for me it was affection and attention. Sounds shallow, but my g-friend and I have different schedules so I have a lot of time spent alone and the temptation got me, never thought it would have gotten so involved wiht the OW.

I made a mistake today and starting asking my neighbor questions about the OW and if I had made the right choice going back to my g-friend. A moment of weakness and I am sure some on here will roast me for it, but hey I did not contact the OW. It hurts just as bad though talking to my neighbor about it, he is privied to info since it is his wife's cousin.

Just to clear the air, I am not married, however with a 13yr old boy living in my office, not my son, and my g-friend living with me I treat this as if we were married so the stakes are just as high.

The mental anguish is hell, the thoughts are overwhelming. I just gotta hang tough and remember why I am trying to make things work, or rather why we are trying to make things work!

BeeWee

b,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something was missing that we found in the new person, for me it was affection and attention. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you discussed this with your gf. I know she doesn't know of the affair. But have you discussed your needs with her? Are you meeting her needs? I have found it's much easier for me to meet my H needs when mine are being met.

Don't beat yourself up about slipping. But if it hurts to have those reminders and if your relationship with your gf is important why do you torture yourself. Make her an off limit subject, for your protection. There is no reason to do something that you know will cause you pain.

Have you read SAA?

le

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Le ]</small>

I know Le, trying not to beat myself up. Slip once in awhile, it is so hard not to wiht the event taking place next door and literraly seeing her family on daily basis.

My g-friend and I are working on solving both of our needs, it is getting better. I am having a hard time opening up with the OW still on my mind, trying though, hopefully time will mend this.

My g-friend and I are going to work towrds March as a goal to get our relationship back on track. Things were mixed befor the affair even happened, so I am trying to resolve those issues that what have been there if the affair took place or not.

We'll see, today has been a tuff day for me, to much time on my hands makes me anxiuos!!!!!

Thanks for the advice!

BeeWee, I wish the longing to know about the other person would go away........I understand when you say that you are asking your neighbor questions about the OW.......I find myself wanting to ask people that work with the OM how he's doing......but I don't......I guess the only way for us to get on with our lives with our current partners is let go of the OW and OM.......It hurts but in time I feel that the feelings that I have will subside......My husband is having a hard day today.......he has periods of depression like me.......just have to ride them out.....I guess you still have not told your girlfriend about the affair.......Do you think you ever will?????????
Cleogirl

b,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My g-friend and I are going to work towrds March as a goal to get our relationship back on track. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly what are you expecting to happen by March? What goals are you working toward. Maybe we can help you.

Hang in there. If it were me I would avoid contact with our neighbor, it's painful and it's not doing anything to help your relationship.

le

Thanks Cleo and Le. I feel as if I need to speak with each one of you differently, as you both are on opposite sides of the coin. But I will diuvlge all to both!

I am trying so hard to get the OW off my mind, but here is whats happening. I am constantly comparing the OW to my g-friend and this drives me crazy. It is if I am sabatogging my ability to try and work things out when I think "if it doesn't work, I can always try and get the OW back.

I know that this is unlikely and even somewhat "crazy" but the thoughts don't go away. From reading many variuos sites on the internet regarding "affairs" I realize much of the time spent with the OW was us putting on our best faces and not really experiencing some "tuff or realistic" life situations, this is what I tell myself when I think of the OW.

The overall tuffest part of this deal is the neighbor. If I even speak them or see a car in the driveway, I begin to wonder and reminisce. Now moving is not an option, although I wish I could. So totally avoiding these people, of which I try to do, is impossible. I ahve definetly not made my way over there as much to keep away for the anxieties of the OW.

As far as my g-friend and I trying to work things out until March. There were issues present before the OW was in the picture. Soem of things I am trying to "work through" regarding my g-friend. She is submissive, does not stand up to me or situations, not as if I dominate her, she just does not voice her opinion, I have asked her to. She has a nervous peronality, always bopping aroung and knockng things over, talking loud, etc. Also, very clumbsy when it comes to sex, as if she doesn't know how to touch anohter person gently or seductively.

I am not asking her to be perfect, but these things irritate me. It just feels as if we are not connecting. Another big issue is her son, he is a good kid but just so darn quite. He shows no warmth towards, no clodness either. It is strange, as if he weren't even around. I have tried to get him to do things with me, express himself, etc, patiently and calmly. Hasn't worked. This is another whole issues, but manifests itself in our relationship.

Just today, before this post, my g-friend told me she is not happy, so we will see, it is not looking good.

And to Cleo's question, I have not told her, I can't with the neighbor situation, our counselor suggest not to in a personal meeting I had with her before we met as a couple. In fac the counselor met with me twice before my g-friend and I.

Anyhow, thats the status. I am sure there is plenty of "quotes" material in this reply, LOL.

I am so glad I found this site, it makes me feel so much better after I read and post. Thanks to both of you, Cleo and Le. It is also nice to get a womans point of view!

On the lighter side, I like to call my situation "temptation culdasec."

Hope you H feels better Cleo!

BeeWee.......I like temptation culdesac.......lol.......I have a question for you.......or a couple......How long have you and your girlfriend been together I can't remember if you said.......and what was it about her that attracted you to her? I guess maybe you have to evaluate what she means to you and if this is someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with.........I guess part of my problem right now......at least in moving on.......is the what if's........do you know what I mean??????
Have you and your girlfriend talked about marriage? I wish there was any easy answer......but I'm afraid there isn't one......I guess it boils down too what you want.......Life is short remember that..........
Cleogirl.........