Well, tomorrow we have our custody hearing. Our lawyer has decided to put me up as the first witness. He thinks that I am the best bet for him to "lay down a good foundation" for our case against ow. I am so nervous. Right now I am sitting at the attorney's office, and I have just finished working on the list of questions that lawyer will be asking us and our witnesses (as his legal assistant, I'm in charge of that stuff for our case, too).<p>I will post the results of the hearing as soon as I can, but it probably won't be until Friday afternoon.<p>I do not know why, exactly - maybe it is the stress and the overwhelming pressure, but my marriage is sucking right now. Visits with Darling have gone extremely well, and it's not that, but H and I are not getting along at all. I am feeling sort of lost and alone because H is just not there for me emotionally. He has been extremely critical of everything I do and left me feeling alienated and unwanted. You would think that after I drive alone for four hours on Sunday to pick up his illegitimate child, bake cakes with her, and generally take care of her for the day (because she has bonded with me and is very emotionally attached to me) that he would say to himself, "what a wonderful wife I have." But he is more critical of me now than he has ever been in our entire marriage. I don't mean to sound like I want a gold medal for accepting oc into our lives, but it hurts me to think that I put everything I have into it and then I get NOTHING. It's never been like this for us before and i am scared.<p>Going to court tomorrow is going to be harder than I originally thought. Our lawyer says that I should expect to be hurt badly by some of the things that will be said, and that he wanted to prepare me for it. Normally, I think I would rise above because I have always coped with ow issues by reminding myself of how good my marriage is, but right now that isn't the case and I am afraid it will blow my world apart. But, hey,the show must go on.<p>Catnip, I read your posts and will respond when this is over and if/when I am in a better mood. I have missed you much and was so glad to see you post, but so unhappy to see the problems you are having. At any rate, I will talk more to you when this court nightmare is wrapped up.
-cd

AHHHHH cd do you think the marriage demons have found us all? Or perhaps our prayers to "teach me the way I should walk" are being quietly answered?<p>I can't and won't do what you've done.<p>Was willing at first but at what cost to ME?<p>cd I have to say that all ow who continue pregnancy and stay married and have other kids are looney!!!<p>Single ones are just plain stupid.<p>The children suffer.<p>BUT;
Not more than us BW.<p>I am beginning to HATE my H for being "happy".<p>If it were me it would NEVER happen....SOB<p>I have a blessed wedding to go to and grandchild to look forward to.<p>I will go in front of all of our friends and relatives and do fine...all the while they pity my situation.<p>I cannot and will not ever be part of a triangle to keep my H.<p>He hasn't asked for that.<p>"Family Law" on cbs Monday helped me come to a conclusion.<p>did you watch? OW died of leukemia...W left WS WS left alone w/baby....Nice Hollywood ending huh?<p>
We go to church every week.<p>I cannot forget!!!!<p>His penis inside of her vagina exploding with healthy sperm is enough for me!!!<p>Forgive me cd...your H should be filling your EN'S mine is I just don't accept as I used to.<p>H need's to be alone....<p>Sorry so depressing but it's a year till d-day Tues. My mind is drowning with memories...how stupid I am......sorry<p>Love to you dear wonderful woman...God's Blessings....<p>My mom offered me early inheritance to leave H.....<p>love
Debi

Have you thought that maybe your husband is jealous of your bonding with the child, not only because he may feel left out but maybe he is jealous of the time you spend with her too, just a thought, good luck in court and all

CD, I have always looked to you and gotten trength. Your patience and ability to go forward and do something that I don't think I have the courage to do is inspiring to me. I don't reply that often in the court situations and the dealings with the OW since we have none, but have just one idea?<p>You say that this reaction and lack of support is not the way he has been reacting to you until lately. He may also be feeling the anxiety of the court date. I know that is not an excuse to not be there for you at a time that you need him the most, but he may be subconciously distancing himself from all of this b/c of the impending decisions that will come of this court proceeding. He also may be fully realizing what he has done and the reality that this child may be more in your lives now than before, and the fact that you are able to give of yourself and be so supportive to him, especially after it was his actions that put you in this position...may be forcing him to reevaluate his whole outlook on himself, his past actions, present situation, and what the future may possibly have in store for you both. He may be having the "lightbulb effect" of "Oh My God, this is what I have really done!"<p>Again, I must put in my disclaimer that I am not dealing with the same situation, and am not saying that how he is reactions are justified, but just that he may just be realizing the ramifications of how much he has hurt you, and how he admires you for standing so tall. He may not know how to deal with all those emotions. After the court date is over he may snap out of it and again the lightbulb may flicker again as to enlighten him on the fact that he was distant from you.<p>I hope the day goes okay, and that you draw from the strength of your friends here and know that we are behind you and are standing behind you ready to catch you idf you should fall backwards...but from what I have read from your posts, I'm sure you will do fine. You have the class and the inner drive to go up there and fight for what you feel is right.
Best of luck and let us know how it goes...I'll pray for you!
NGU

CD,
I'm so sorry to hear you and H aren't well. I hope you and he get a chance to talk things out and come together for this big event. Maybe he does feel "left out". I can imagine between your own 4 and Darling and jobs, there isn't much left for connecting. It is certainly a challange at our house, and we've only got 2 kids and 1 job between us, technically.<p>Anyway, Prayers and Strength in court!
Never drive faster than your angels can fly,
Jenny

Nosetta,<p>I don&#8217;t have anything useful or uplifting to say, but I&#8217;m here&#8230;.still lurking, watching, and praying for everyone. I have a real soft spot for you. I have faith that your dinity, grace and poise&#8230;.and mucho intelligence&#8230;.will see you through this rough time. You&#8217;re a strong lady. Love yourself and trust yourself.<p>Claudia

CD,<p>Many prayers sent your way! I have missed you, but realize that you are quite busy with the 2 jobs. I pray that the Lord leads the judge's heart to where it is the best intrest for everyone involved.<p>I also pray that the tension between you and H can be resolved. Maybe it is like others have said, he is jealous of the bond that you and Darling have.<p>Just keep trusting that the Lord has his hand on your situation.<p>Gem,<p>I am sorry that the anniversary of D-day is affecting you in such a way. I can only imagine the pain you are trying to deal with while getting this wedding underway. I will pray for your peace of mind during this hectic time.<p>
Love to both of you,<p>Tigger

Dear cd, my dear friend...<p>I have missed you, too. And I think of you often and wonder how you are faring and how things are developing with Darling and your husband and the rest of your brood. But, maybe I can shed a little light on some of your husband's distancing. Unfortunately, I have become kind of an expert in this as this happens to me a lot since August...but let me tell you what has happened lately so you can see where this might take you.<p>First, I agree with much of what Not Giving Up has told you. It is logical and makes sense.<p>Secondly, the distancing comes with stress and you as a couple, have so much stress from marriage issues to financial issues to family issues and a myriad of other things hitting you left and right. I believe your husband is simply overwhelmed, has staggering regret and your outstanding generosity is making him feel even worse and more ashamed.<p>My advice is to back off a little and let him bake the cake and do some of the things for Darling that you are doing. You can accompany him, but let him take over and see where all this goes.<p>The reason I say this is because when BPB and I were married, he came into my home with his two young children from his previous marriage. We had custody and I wanted to give, give, give. I ended up giving waaaay too much, which caused him to become more and more uninvolved and ultimately the closeness he had with his kids was diminished by my desire to build this great family and subconsciously tried to get the kids to love me, too. I, like you, am a take change kind of gal and always, always did too much for the kids and for him.<p>Everything turned out good with our family, but the process was riddled with mistakes, mostly mine. When the kids left home to go off on their own, it was just BPB and me and I continued to do, do, do for him to the point where I was too compliant. He started taking me for granted and I think in some ways, lost some respect for me because I put my own needs aside for him.<p>While it is good and wonderful to spoil one's spouse and give, one can give too much. There has to be a balance there or someone gets short changed, and it is ususally the giver.<p>In time, we developed an unhealthy pattern where I would give, not be acknowledged, gain resentful feelings for being dismissed and underappreciated and my husband would become resentful at my hair shirt. (He started calling me St. Catnip)<p>When I realized I was doing this, I stopped dead in my tracks and reversed the process the other way in order to circumvent some of the bad habits we had developed. But then, I went too far the other way and suddenly, BPB felt underappreciated and dismissed because I was focused on me, me, me.<p>I don't known if there is any correlation here, but if any of this is remotely familar, find a healthy medium.<p>Since all this trouble happened to me ten days ago, BPB has come around once again. We sat down and had a rip roaring talk/fight/purging...explaining to each other how we see things, what we think, how we feel and what we want. We found that we had been so busy just trying to survive and not spending any quality, romantic time with each other, that we lost sight of each other, assumed ridiculous things about each other, both feeling unloved and rejected, distancing ourselves from each other because life is just so damn hard, so difficult that we just can't bear to hurt or be hurt anymore. <p>We made a decision and made a choice to focus on each other and on our marriage and make a commitment to communicate and stop the stupid assumptions. I don't know where this will take us or if we will prevail and eventually make the unmarriage a success or not, but we can't seem to stay away from each other or keep our hands off each other. We are addicted to each other, so if this is the case, we have to make it a healthy and positive addiction.<p>Put everything and everyone on the back burner for a while and focus on each other and give to each other whatever it is that is lacking in your life right now....it's just a normal hiccup in this recovery process...but the recovery process and it's importance supercedes everything else in your lives right now. If the foundation, the base of your marriage isn't sound, nothing else will thrive and succeed.<p>Be good to yourself and to eachother.<p>Love and prayers to you, Mon ami<p>Catnip =^^=

Het cd as I re-read my post I thought about it and wanted to say I'm sorry. Didn't mean it to become an all about me thing.
As Ronald Reagan(or was it George Bush Sr.?)said time and again..."There you go again..."<p>I sure took off in the wrong direction.<p>I guess w/the way I've been feeling and then reading after all you've done you hit a snag, so to speak, it angered me. I should have never screamed all about me but offered you the suppot you were looking for.<p>Sorry......<p>I hope the hearing went well.
I hope you two can free up a few hours this weekend just for "you".<p>Prayers as always.<p>I admire your grace. Truly a work of God.<p>Tiggerjdt4, Thankyou. It's a combination of going off meds AND D-day AND wedding AND impending grandchild AND work And...wah wah wah wah wah...<p>love
Debi [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 08, 2001: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</p>

c.d.,
This is most likly late, but good luck! Why are you picking up oc? I thought ow was to bring her to you guys.
with love, flowerseed