Well, my h told me tonight that he will move to CA and leave MN, OW, OC (still a fetus) behind. I still have my doubts that he will, only because his word hasn't been exactly trustworthy in the last 6 months or so. <p>We are going to discuss our plans, concerns, etc about him moving here. He told me that he plans to move here for 2 years and then if he doesn't like it, then he will move back. I don't know why he just can't accept the fact that I (his wife) should be good enough reason to live in CA indefinitely. <p>Part of me is hesitant about him moving here because lately i have thought about starting all over (not that i have anyone yet), but just leaving the baggage behind and starting a new chapter in my life (h and i have no children of our own..we are both 28). I don't look forward at all to dealing with the cs issue come April.<p>I know that a lot of us here trust the Good Lord as our strength and guide...well, i have a confidence that God wants me to reconcile my marriage, i know that he would never ask me to leave it, but I just don't know if i have the patience and desire to blow another two years of my life only to find out that he hates CA and wants to go back. <p>God Bless us all<p>[ November 11, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Julia,
I can understand where you are coming from. I am hesitant about giving my "all" right now too, although I am trying. I would hate to give it my all and still end up divorced...BUT...like my Pastor told me, at least if it does end that way, it won't be because of me nor for my lack of trying...
Praying that it will work out for you. Please keep me posted!
Hugs,
Twiisty

I am sorry to hear that you are so discouraged. I, too, believe that God wants me to stay and work on my marriage. I also agree with Twiisty about doing all I can. For me, if we still dont work out, I want to know that it wasnt for lack of trying.
I hope that your H comes through for you and does as he says. You dont sound certain of that. I guess because you know that even when he moves, you both have a long road to recovery.
My H and I moved away from California. We were running from his drug problem. In that regard,it was the best thing we could have done.
However, he had the affair a year and a half after we moved here. He is very self destructive. I think if he had had the affair in California...I would have left him. Here it is just he and I against the world.
Just know that when he moves, I would consider counseling also. There are underlying issues that H needs to deal with, not just your marriage.
I will be praying for you and I know God has a plan.

Twiisty & Tryin,<p>Thanks for the input. Yea, I know what you both mean by at least being able to say that you tried to the end, the very end of yourself even. I think that I am at a point now however that he could stay in MN or move out here - and it wouldn't matter either way. Maybe because i have been trying so hard for so long and now i would be able to rid my hands of the whole mess and not be so depressed and useless anymore. <p>This morning I went to church and was convicted about one thing in particular. The pastor spoke on money and how it is NOT important to God. And i know that is an issue (cs) that i have - i know i will hate it when we will be sending her $500 dollar checks every month! OH, i just kills me inside. But God gave me peace about the whole money issue and assured me that he would take care of the cs and also bless my marriage one-hundred fold and much more. <p>I guess I am just battling the flesh and the spirit these days. I want out of this marriage to have another chance, a normal (no such thing i know) marriage, with legitimate children, no scandals, etc... Oh, to just be like those who aren't us!! (again...). <p>God bless Us

<<I guess I am just battling the flesh and the spirit these days. I want out of this marriage to have another chance, a normal (no such thing i know) marriage, with legitimate children, no scandals, etc... Oh, to just be like those who aren't us!! (again...). >><p>True words were never spoken... I battle my flesh and anger everyday. I want in and out of marriage too, at least for my part, the emotional pain. I know my H and I have something that is still very special and I know that only "I" know the very deep core of him. He doesn't share that with just anybody and in our case, it was a very costly indulgence on his part which is why I am "paying" along with him.
Your statement, "oh to be like those that aren't like us" is true too. But then again, I have other children and I thank God they are healthy.
I do know one thing on my part, I will NEVER take a good day for granted again. Today was a good day. Yesterday was not. I appreciate today.
We will get through this and we will be stronger, wiser and content once again. You have me to chat and vent to, e-mail me anytime!
hugs,
Twiisty

Julia I know where you're coming from. I was there last spring. I was tired of fighting the whole thing and wanted a "normal" life whatever that is.
H and I have one child(?)(man)....<p>I wanted to be the only one to give him that special gift, and it still kills me to this day.<p>I can only tell you that when he moved back home..(I made him leave 2 x's)he promised to be the husband he should have been. He begged me to try. If I felt it wasn't right I could leave...I thought what the heck? May as well...I've already lost so much what else could I lose? H told me no one else would be good to me because he made a "mistake" and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.<p>He has....<p>I still saw my lawyer a few days after he moved in just-in-case. I have things in order to start divorce at any time.<p>I'm not.....<p>Good luck to you. I want to hear how it goes.<p>You helped me this morning too. I am struggling with how much cs we will have to pay. We don't know yet we are still trying to make offers to a woman who told my H she'd do it alone w/o his help...heh..heh...extortionist! LIAR....
At any rate I now believe God will find a way for the money to flow.
Thankyou, Julia.<p>Bless you.<p>love
Debi

Friends,<p>I spoke to my h lastnight and he said that he is going to start finding out about a 1 year leave of absence from the precinct that he works at. He also said that he wants to make it clear that he has full intentions of moving back to MN within 2 years. <p>Well, that is just not acceptable to me. I want to get OUT of MN because that is where she is. Yea, i don't know if in two years I may even have a desire to go back for whatever reasons, but it's just this business of my h saying that he has full intentions of moving back there. I told him that only God knows where we will be and we have to leave it in his hands. <p>I don't know, doesn't it seem like he's just coming to appease me for a while and work on the marriage, then BAMM (like emeril says), we will have to move back to that hell on earth?<p>Gem, my h has never begged or pleaded or became so emotional that i knew he was being honest and was remorseful of what he had done. He is just straight and narrow, to the point, no emotion, just words. He basically is not defensive or offensive, just sits there and thinks everything in his head,(but i can't hear what he's thinking!Uggh) can anyone relate? Uggh, it is sooo frustrating!<p>Hey, i am having a party on Dec 7, you are all welcome to come! Location: Southern California<p>God Bless
Love, Julia

<<Gem, my h has never begged or pleaded or became so emotional that i knew he was being honest and was remorseful of what he had done. He is just straight and narrow, to the point, no emotion, just words. He basically is not defensive or offensive, just sits there and thinks everything in his head,(but i can't hear what he's thinking!Uggh) can anyone relate? Uggh, it is sooo frustrating!>><p>Julia,
from what I learned in marriage counseling, this is typical behavior of police officers. My husband does alot of thinking in his head and is more "closed" than he used to be. I wonder if being a cop kinda scars you for life in a different way? They tend to shut off emotion so they can function on the job. E-mail or IM me and we'll chat some more on this subject. Perhaps with time away from the job and some counseling set up, you may find things will be different?
Hoping for you, and I'm here for you to vent at, I know what it's like being a cop's wife...
(as well as the other junk too!
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )
Hugs,
Twiisty

Well ladies.<p>I read your posts above and remember feeling the same defeat. Like no matter how hard I try this marriage could still end up in the scrapper.<p>Well, let me give you this one hopeful thought. There is a truely bright light at the end of a healed marriage. Even with OW/OC. <p>Sometimes I look into my husbands eyes and realize that we have made it to hell and back. And only he and I know the depth of our pain and suffering through this mess. We are in a weird sort of way, bonded because of this experience.<p>I have grown a whole new respect for him because of how he's changed and grown as a person. His newfound faith in God and his dedication to this family.<p>I have grown a new respect for myself. That I could love another human despite his many HUGE flaws. I'm so proud that I hung in there and we have weathered the initial storm. I know now that the storms to come will pale in comparison.<p>I know it may seem dismal now... but do know if you can both grow from this and learn to love in a different way... love with forgiveness, acceptance and hope... you will have a better marriage than you "thought" you did before.<p>Keep praying ladies.... it's not perfect on the other side... but there is peace of mind and soul.<p>Z.

Dear Julia (and Twiisty),<p>My H is one of "those". He never begged or pleaded. He never cried. Still really doesnt. I guess I have done enough for everyone. He was in the army. Im not sure if the job has anything to do with it or maybe the kind of past they have had in general since my H doesnt show negative emotions hardly at all. He used to get angry and had no problem showing that one until all his mess and now he rarely gets angry unless I push and push. I will say that he never starts a fight. Not that I am proud of that, its just he isnt emotional in that way. He lets things roll off his back. <p>Part of his problem was that he thought he deserved all the crap I was giving him and so he just sat there and took it. Never said a word. He didnt think he deserved to say anything. It hurt him deeply, possibly more than I will ever know.<p>Julia....as far as him coming to Cali...rejoice and know that the Lord is with you. If you know in your heart that God doesnt want you to turn your back on him yet, then give it a try. With God you and H can do it. Remember he is just now coming out of the fog. Within two years he will be out. He wouldnt be coming if he didnt want to be with you. Pray.<p>Love<p>bw

I agree with you BW on this too.
That is what I was trying to say too, Julia!
Hugs,
twiisty