My husband and I are 25/26 years of age and we have been together for the last 10 years married for 6 years in February (Valentine's Day). I found out my husband was having an affair about 1 1/2 months ago and we went through all the phases of its your fault and yes maybe its my fault, but I was trying to deal with it. Well this past weekend my husband broke the news that the girl he was seeing is 2 1/2 months pregnant. Now they have only known each other for 4-5 months. My husband has told me that he does have feelings for her and that does break my heart. As much as I wanted to tell him to go to hell and get out of my life , instead I told him that he made a mistake and we would get through this. Well we do not have children , it just had not happended for us , and he wants children dearly so you can understand that he wants to spend every waking moment with this child once its born, But where does that leave me? I have tried to kill myself since I found all this out and he tells me he loves me dearly and he is very sorry, but the point is it is done and it is here, I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever gone through this and what was the outcome. I told my husband that I would stand by him and he would be a part of this child's life and he says he does not want to leave, But yet he wants to be with the child everyday?? I dont understand , I guess my suggestion just was not good enough.<p>Right now I feel betrayed and angry, But I dont want to let 10 years go down the drain. Oh also the OW wont allow him to be part of his child's life unless he is with her. Selfish Selfish Selfish, the two innocent people in all this (Baby) and (Me) stand to get hurt. Sorry this is so lengthy but PLEASE!! offer advise or let me know if you have been in my shoes..... Jessica

Jessica,<p>First and foremost, you are not alone in your situation. There are a few here on this board who don't have children of their own, but due to an A that your H had, there will be a child in your life, if you choose to stay married.<p>Second, your H sounds as if he is still in the famous "fog" of the A. Have you read the Harley's principals yet? They will help you in deciding what actions to take in your situation.<p>Third, I personally am not in your shoes, as I had the A that produced the child, but my H chose to raise her as his own. But there will be many here who have been in your shoes, and have remained married, and are quite happy, even with the stresses of the OC that is in their lives.<p>Please, do not do anything else so rash as trying to kill yourself. It is not worth it! If you still have those types of feelings, seek help!!!<p>Hopefully, others will chime in soon. You are in the right place for support, advice, and a place to vent.<p>Tigger

Jessica,
Yes, we have been through a similar situation. Husband and I have been together since 1992. We also have no children. My H knew the exOW for only about a year. The affair lasted about 3-4 months only. She had OC in Feb.
My H never claimed to have feelings for OW, but is a part of OC's life. However, that was a joint agreement. He allowed me to have total say in what and how their relationship would be.
Have you been able to read any of the MB philosophies for recovery? Have you or your H considered counseling?
I am so sorry that you are in this pain. We, unfortunately, have all felt it on this board in some way, shape, or form. This is all very fresh and you have time to deal with all the emotions. Try not to make any rash decisions right now.
The first thing you may need to try with your H is no contact with OW right now. She does not need to be involved in how you and your H want to proceed. However, your H may still be in the "fog" of the affair.
Please know that I will be praying and thinking of you. Continue to post and take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. There are many courageous and special people here who can help you with their experience and wisdom. You are not alone! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Tigger!?!?! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
You and I must have been posting at the same time. Great minds think alike [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] !!!
Anyway, I guess the advice is pretty close...just hang in there...it will get more bearable.

Dear Jessica,<p> You have unfortunately found yourself in the right place. Most of us here are going through similar hardship and pain. I know your pain all too well and hopefully you can log onto here and find peace, solace and encouragement. <p> My h and i are both 28 yrs old, been married for almost 4, have been together for 7. Is your h a cop by chance? Just asking because a few of us have that in common. Besides that though, my h got ow pregnant in July i believe so she is now 5 months pregnant. <p> My source of strength has been soley God. He has brought me this far. I too had thoughts of committing suicide, i wished that i was on one of the jets that went through the twin towers. Oh sweetie, but your life is not worth their sin. They are not worth it!!! Not one bit.
So keep yourself as healthy as possible, stay safe and whenever you have thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, just cry out to God. He hears every single tear, and feels everything your feeling. He wants to comfort you right now.<p> My h kept telling me when ow first got pregnant that "being a father is more than cutting a check every month". That hurt me because he wanted to give love and everything under the sun to this child, but honestly i knew that i wouldn't be able to handle that. (oh, yea, we don't have children of our own either, like you, we just haven't - one miscarriage though). Well, he told me this when ow was 2 months pregnant and now she is 5 months and he has told me that he will sign over all his rights and agree to never see the child or her again if it means saving the marriage... so see things can change. <p> H also told me that his feelings for ow were strong and that it wasn't going to be over night that he would just be able to let her go. Well, i asked him to leave then - My pastor told me to tell him this... "if you are going to live like you are married to another woman, then pack your bags and leave". Well, he did leave and he was back in 3 months on his knees asking for forgiveness and was ready to try to love me again. Of course the pain was still there, still is. But he realized that she was not all she was cracked up to be and he knew that he should be home with me. <p> I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would bring him home. He did. H also tells me now that he does not have one feeling for her, has realized what a collossal mistake she was and he needed me to get through this. Pray for your h, pray for yourself. God is listening right now, just turn to him, cry out to him, or just be silent and bring him into thought.<p> God brought my husband home.
God put me back in my husband's heart.
God gave h the will to tell me he loves me and misses me
God gave me the desire to love my husband even despite the hardship.<p>I don't know where my marriage is headed or whether or not it will survive. All i know is that God is going to get me through it all. He will do the same for you. <p>Keep posting so we know that you are ok.<p>God bless, Big hugs to you,
Julia

Have you been to see your doctor to get some medication for your depression? I think that is the first step for you.<p>Second step is that your H should not have any contact with OW if he is determined to keep in contact with the OC--this where you come in--as the contact person. That is what Dr.Harley recommends...<p>Thirdly, if you guys intend to be a part of the OC's life and are willing to pay child support (CS), then OW has no say in preventing contact. The court will order a blood test before you are required to pay one dime, tho.<p>Lastly, God has gotten many of us through this and He will help you too. Be strong in the Lord and consider yourself hugged...<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Thank You all for your replies.<p>I bought a journal yesterday so that I could write all my feelings. That way if we are ever happy again together or apart we can look back. I find alot of comfort in reading your replies and the support you all offer. I am very grateful for that. Last night H and I laid in bed and talked for about 3 hours (pillow talk) we had not done that in a while. He thinks and he cries because he knows he made a bad decision, he is so afraid to start over with someone else in his life because he thinks that if she is not the one for him, will I still be here, honestly I can not provide him an answer. The one thing I know for sure is that if we can get through this our love will be so strong. As I lay in bed with him in his arms , we both cry , I cry because I feel like I am on borrowed time, and he cries because he doesnt want to leave. <p>There are many things that led up to the whole affair and yes I can not blame myself for their actions, but I can learn from it. I now know that Affection in a relationship is very important, even just the slightest touch. I learned to leave work at work. I learned that I should not close myself off once I am home, instead of complaining about my day ask how his went. I realized all this and it may be to late. But I am hopeful and I have give our love to God and wait to see what happens. Praying for strength will either help to get through this or help us come back together and beleive that we are one. I am hopeful that he will see through this all and we will begin to heal. <p>Again, <p>Thank You all for being so supportive. I will keep you updated.<p>Jessica

I am so sorry for your pain. If you love one another and you want your marriage, you WILL get thru this. I cannot express enough how important I think it for you to get therapy, especially if you have felt suicidal. And marital therapy is important too I think. Something as devastating as this is too hard to sort out alone I think.
You aren't alone in this horrible situation. I feel for you. There are many women here who have been thru this and are healing. You can too.

Jessica,<p>I just wanted to comment that you do sound better this morning. I am happy that you are looking into the problems that may have led to your unfortunate situation. That is one of the first steps. Again, look into Harley's principals, and get some of his books. They helped me and my H with our relationship, as they have many others. We are on our road to recovery, and are much happier now than we have been in years! The one I would recommend is his newest, called "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". It is a combination of a couple of his books, including his workbook at the end. It is something that you can work on by yourself, or together with your H.<p>Keep up with your talks, and being honest with each other. You CAN survive this, and even come out with a better marriage!<p>Tigger

<p>[ November 14, 2001: Message edited by: Jessica26 ]</p>

up

Jessica,
I was in a very similar situation. STBX and I couldn't have children, as I had fibroid surgery that left me sterile. Deal with your issues first, you know it bothers you that another woman may be giving your H a child when you haven't (Or can't). Don't let issues like that keep you two from making progress. Just simply decide that there must be a reason why God allowed this to happen, and though you aren't sure yet exactly what it is, just let God lead you through it.
Your H, is only seeing the what he wants to see of the situation. When the baby is born, and the Child Support kicks in, and the health insurance, and he starts figuring out what a really tricky position he has put you two in, that's when he will see it isn't all sunshine and roses to be a father, let alone one of an OC. It sounds easy, until they actually have to do it, then they ***** and whine. Trust me on that one.
Especially if OW starts using the baby as a way to rope him back into her life, when he doesn't want her, just the baby.
As everyone else has said, now is not a time for making rash decisions. And yes, your hurt is great right now, and may even increase with time, depending on how your H acts. Just get yourself centered, keep looking forward, and go from there, one step at a time. It's the best advice I can give.

Jessica,
I too know how you feel. For me the hardest part was that another woman was giving my husband the one thing he wanted most. He begged me for years to have a baby. It wasn't one of my fondest wishes, but I wanted it because he did and I grew to really want a child with him. I miscarried as he was producing two children with the other woman. In fact, the doctor told him that the miscarriages were in large part due to the stress of his affair. Second child came as a result of trying to be good dad to first, so be careful. Dr. Harley says you should be the contact. I agree. My h finally became very remorseful and wanted to save our marriage and told ow just that. My husband has worked so hard to regain my trust and show his love for me. We are in no way "there", just on the road to recovery step by step. He also told me that he would give up all rights to these children to help us. But the other woman is abusive and we both feel a need to at least help get children out of her reach. For that reason, we are in the process of pursuing custody of two children that for me are only a reminder of a time when my husband was a dirty low-lying unfaithful wimp. We are not sure what we will do, but we are blindly feeling our way along day by day. The best thing was that my husband not only said the words but has done so many things to show me that he chooses me. We still have days when we argue and scream or days when he defends his actions or days when he says it is past just forget it. But no, it will be with us for a long long time. And most of our days are good with discussion and true love for each other. We are just trying to do the best thing in a very bad situation. My husband asked our pastor for counseling. That was helpful. My husband also works through MB principles with me. And now we have prayer together; we have a common hurt and common goal. This is such a hurtful situation. You have found a good place to receive support (even if you just "lurk", read what others have written and gone through). This is a super site. Oh and when you see some defensive or agrumentative or rude or questionable and non-supporting posts, just keep going. That is not the main focus here, but it does happen. There are some very helpful posts too. I will keep you in my prayers.

Update: I spoke with my therapist this morning and of course they make you see things from a different angle.<p>The way this all happened is as follows:<p>Last night I decided to ask my husband what he wanted because he had not made a decision, he said he wanted me to be strong and understand that he wanted to be with his child every waking moment, the mother makes him happy since she was there for him while we were having problems. So I turned from him and walked out of the room. ( to cry) When I came back I asked him , Ok then when do you plan on doing this ? he did not have an answer, then he looked at me and said you know what I cannot do this to you, I love you and I want our marriage to work. I will tell he to have an abortion and if she says no then I will give up all custody rights to the child. I am thinking when he says this to me , you just cried and told me that you wanted to be with the baby and her. So I said that is what you think now you need to make the right decision because further down the road you will resent me and hate me for making you feel like you had to make this decision.<p>Today, <p>I saw my therapist this morning and as I talked he asked me why I was putting my decision on hold for his, I could not reply he also told me that no matter what someone will be hurt in this and my H needs to make a decision. <p>Long story short, I came home called H and told him I needed his decision now and that I was tired of waiting for it, he said you know I want to be with my baby, and I said is that your decision and he said yes.... My heart broke even more, So I decided that based on his decision that my decision was to not have him in my life. Today is a very hard day, but I will get through this. I love him very much. Till next time,<p>Jessica

Oh Jessica
I am so sorry. You are a strong woman to demand a decision. Is he saying that he wants to be with the OW? I am not clear on that. Can you stay married to him and have him be in child's life? Is his saying he wants to be with the child everyday, his cowardly way of saying he wants to leave and be with the OW? Please be strong. He is not thinking clearly and will probably change his mind many times. But I like and admire that you are making decisions for yourself based on NOW. I personally think too often we wait to long for a decision and try to win them back. I think by being true to YOU, you win either way. Be strong. I am SO sorry for your pain.

Jessica,<p>Have you looked into the Plan A/B that they have outlined here? It sounds to me as if you may need to go to a Plan B. It is basically where you seperate from H, have him leave, and have no contact with him. You write him a letter, explaining that this is the only way to save your love for him. You do this for a specified time, at the end of which the decission is made about divorce. I never have been through this, but others here have. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but at least you tried. And those times it doesn't work, nothing could have saved that marriage. Please, look around this board to find the explination of Plan A/B. It may be the best thing for you to do right now.<p>Tigger

Yes, he wants to be with her and Baby. I am so angry right now. I just want to get through this. Thank You all again for your encouragment I know I will need alot of it.
Jessica

Aimee, do you have an email address I can reach you at??

Aimee, do you have an email address I can reach you at??

you did the right thing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>without question! <p>if he chooses this child over you...the primary relationship , then he has made his decision and must live with it. if he decides later he wants you back he may very well be too late.<p>do you think this is a "duty" question? as in its my "duty" to be with the child? or is it his great desire to have one?<p>also , keep in mind that he may not even be being honest with himself thru confusion.<p>personally i would walk away and start over...you are too young to give in to less than a good relationship <heck NO age should><p>it will all be OK, stay strong and keep doing what you are doing, look out for yourself [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]