I have been reading for about a month now and had to ask for some help. My w and I have been together for 27 yrs and we have been married for 22 yrs on 12/8/01. We have 6 children ages 20,19,13,11,10,&6. My D-day was memorial day 2001. I had feared my w was in an A since early March & felt she was preg. since late April (she missed her cycle & was laying around with anupset stomach). I was told that she had tried to have an abortion but couldn't bring herself togo through with it. her due date is 12/20/01 and we have been discussingthe possibility of an adoption. W says she doesn't know if she will be able to handle that. I don't know if I can handle raising om child. I had a phone call with om and he said he will stay away if she wants him to but if she wants money he wants to have a say in c's life. My answer to that is open your wallet *?&%. My reasoning is this if my 19 yrs old were to get his girlfriend preg. he would have to be responsible and don't do the crime if you can't do the time. My w and I have been in counseling since mid June and I am about to call it quits. My w also feels tremendous quilt over what she has done to our household. I believe she is truely remorseful for all the anguish she has caused to so many people from her actions. There will be no mistaking that this c is not mine as om is from South America. And all our children know that I can't have anymore kids (vasectomy). It sounds like many of you have been dealing with this for a long time so I am asking for any opinions you wish to express. And to the person who wrote they tried to kill themself, that should never be an option as the Lord is always there to guide you. You may not see it now but I am sure He will bring a bountiful reward to all who manage to endure these awful pains and go forward with their lives.

I see that you are spiritual man. What is the good Lord saying to you about what to do? Your wife sounds as though she is trying to do the right thing by you now. I am the BS, my H had the affair and OC is 9 mos. We dont have any children. We were actually told that H could not have children or that it would be very difficult. So much for modern science.
We have some great guys on this board who have beeb there and done that. Maybe they can give you some insight. Be patient...they dont post as often as us women. You may have to wait a day or two. I will push this up...or you can so that others will see it.
I wish I could help. I will be praying for you and your family.

Dear pops,
I'm sorry your family is in this situation. <p>If you guys are considering offering the baby up for adoption, it seems to me that would be the most loving and caring thing you could possibly do for this OM's child, especially since you're not exactly enthusiatic about raising OM's baby... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Some are up for the challenge and some are not. There are various stories of experience out here, keep reading and best wishes to your family.

Dear pops,<p>You must be experiencing terrible pain and confusion. I can barely imagine how much.<p>And I can only imagine because I am living a similar situation. I will tell you a little about it. You can look up my old posts if you want to learn more. I don't know if my own experiences or thoughts will help you, but here they are.<p>Several years ago my wife had an intense affair. She conceived our youngest child a few weeks after they began having sex. I was with her throughout the pregnancy, and thought that the child was mine. But she and the other man had DNA testing done very early on, and spoke together constantly about 'their' child. He wanted her to have an abortion, and she couldn't go through with it. (This didn't surprise me. If she had gotten an abortion it would have violated her core being in a very devestating way). Even after birth, this relationship continued, until I discovered the affair a few months later.<p>So I understand a little of what you are experiencing. And I also stood in a very different position than you do now. When I found out, I had already been raising this child as my own. In every meaningful way he was mine. And my other children loved him deeply as their new little brother.<p>I don't know how to express this without sounding dramatic. What you chose to do now, whatever path you follow, will remain one of the defining moments of your life. It was certainly so for me.<p>I offered my wife a choice when I learned the news. Leave and raise our son with the other man, or stay with me, end all contact with the other man, and I would raise this boy as my own.<p>At the time, I saw the two relationships as linked, husband-wife and father-son could not be decided independently of each other. But as the months went by I learned that I was wrong in some very important ways. Healing did not come easily to us, and eventually my wife asked me for a divorce, and told me that she wanted sole custody of our little boy, and that she would sue the other man for child support. In part I think she was trying to protect me, and behaving very honorably; in part I think that she could not continue to respect the other man in her heart if he did nothing for 'their' child, while I did everything, and that the divorce was a last attempt to force the other man to act like the person she had hoped he was.<p>But I had to face, head on, a decision at that time. I had always said that I would raise this child as my own, whatever happened. And now here I was, facing the possibility of raising him on my own, without my wife.<p>I did not hesitate then. I told her that I wanted joint custody of him, that I wanted him to be treated just like our other children. I listened to her fears, and she to mine. And within a day the divorce was off, and that crisis had been the crucible in which we began to reshape our marriage.<p>You are not in a situation like that. But you still need to think about this child, as a child, as the sibling of your other children, apart from any considerations of your wife, or the other man. That is not going to be easy to do. And for you it is very abstract right now.<p>Adoption is a reasonable course for the child, and your baby could grow up extremely happy in his or her new home. But for adoption to work, your wife and you must each decide, wholeheartedly, to pursue that course. Otherwise it will leave scars from which you might never recover.<p>Adoption will also affect your other children. They must know that something is wrong, they presumably know about the affair, and your decision is not going to keep anything private. I would suggest you talk with them, openly and simply. Find out how they feel. Are they frightened? Confused? You might well need a child therapist to help guide you here. Having their mother give birth to a child that then disappears will not be too easy for the younger ones. And the older ones must have a host of different questions.<p>If you decide to raise the child as your own, you will face many different problems. But you must always remember, as you enter into this, that the fundamental relationship is between you and your new baby. That you would be, in all respects but one, the father. And that that would entail great responsibilities and great rewards. If your child is born with birth defects (you might be worried about this, since your wife is older), you will need to be there for him or her in every way possible, for as long as you are alive. If your marriage dissintegrates or your wife dies, you will still be this child's father. When your little baby grows older and rebels, you will have to keep things in perspective, and not view that as some great betrayal. And you will have to raise the child as your own in every respect, not as a baby on loan.<p>That will not be so hard as you might think. And that is why I refused any money from the other man. (Actually, the other man's wife offered the money; he never had the guts to offer anything, and wanted only to keep it all quiet). This little baby had become my son, and my children are entitled to a share of everything I own, and to my time and my love. I did not want any distinctions between them, I wanted no marks that would set him apart legally or emotionally from his brothers and sisters.<p>You have a large family, and must know the joys of raising children, and sharing the innumerable pleasures they feel as they grow and learn and play and take on a unique identity. I have been part of that process for my youngest son, as with all my others. He loves me deeply. He runs to see me when I arrive home. We read, and run around togather and play games. I cannot express to you how much I love him.<p>There is something very strange in this process. For many months I felt a deep pride that I was there for him, that I had gone beyond my own obligations and needs to help give him a stable and happy life. (And inwardly I loved comparing my actions to those of the other man, who had also loved him, and yet had tried once to force an abortion, and had insisted that 'their' child never know who his true father was, and had never offered any help in raising him). But that pride did not last. In fact I have felt rather depressed in the past few months, partly because that pride is no longer there. Because I can no longer pat myself on the back and say - look, I am worth something, because I did this. And the reason I can't say that anymore is because this child is, now, completely my son, and I am his father, and the shock and the trauma are mostly gone. How could I feel proud for loving my own son? It is simply how I am.<p>You were concerned about how the baby will look. My youngest son looks nothing like me, and is almost a twin to one of the other man's children. I live daily with that visual reminder of the affair. (The other man had been one of my best friends, and his children were best friends with mine). And even so, people comment occasionally about how we look alike. The human mind is strange, and we believe many things that are not true, because we don't look deeply. Sometimes people do ask about his appearance, and I just say that he looks the least like me of all our children, or say that he takes after my wife's side.<p>I have been working with a therapist, one-on-one, for a few years now. Whatever you decide to do, I would recommend that you find help like that as well. The trauma you have been through is so deep.<p>I like to tell myself that the true reflection of who I am is not the situations I find myself in, but the way in which I chose to act.<p>I wish you well in your choices,<p>StillTrying

Pops,<p>Well, I have been where your W is. The biggest difference is that my H and I have not been married as long, or have children as old as your older children. My H and I have been together for 16 yrs, married 12 1/2. We gave a child up for adoption 14 yrs ago, and know how emotional it can be. We are also raising OM's child as our own, and she is in every way but one. She is just as loved as our other children. My H also has had a vasectomy, so we are pretty certain of the paternity. We never did have a DNA test, since OM never knew about pregnancy, and my H was willing to accept her as his own child.<p>The best advice I can offer is to sit down together and discuss what you both truly want to do about your situation. Have you read Harley's principals? If so, you are familular with the Policy of Joint Agreement. <p>Abbi is almost 8 months old now. Our next oldest is 9 and then 11. They don't know about what happened, just that I was pregnant, and they have a new little sister. We will tell them, it just isn't important. I kind of look at it as if there was an adoption into our family.<p>You and your W really need to decide together what option to take, whether you give the baby up for adoption, or raise it together. I, personally, feel that if you do keep the baby, then you need to keep OM out of the picture. Meaning, no CS. That can just open up a can of worms that will cause a huge mess. It will keep OM in your lives for the next 18-20 years. Yes, OM and W did make a mistake, but if you want to repair the damage, you have a great opportunity if OM is willing to let you raise this child with no input from him.<p>Pray together about your decisions you need to make.<p>Tigger

I'm sorry for what you are going thru. I am curious and don't mean to be nosey, but may I ask how old you and your wife are? It seems you have been married for a long time and your children are grown. Perhaps your W will consider adoption simply based on the fact that maybe the child will be better off with a young couple who really want a baby. Hang in there. I feel for you.

Pops, You are a little ahead in this game than me, but I can identify. I posted and told my story under the posting "tinlizzy....". My wife is 12 weeks now with OM's child. She had left me and now seems to want to see if our relationship can be restored. I sympathize with you immensley. StillTrying spoke the words of a very wise man. I've never read his posts before, but he addressed so many issues that I'm currently dealing with. I'm sure you may be dealing with some of the same. While it sounds dry, the truth is that if you seek God on this, you can't go wrong. It's so difficult to do, but the rewards are unbeatable. If God wants to restore your family, and you are willing to obey Him, then He is capable of giving you a marraige you never dreamed possible. On the other hand, biblically you are released from this marriage, and He could be setting you free. The point is, you've got to seek God's will for your life and be obedient. I'm sorry to sound so matter of fact, and believe me, it's much easier to tell someone else this truth than to carry it out in your own life.

Bonniebb,
Just because we have been married a long time and have children ranging from 6 to 20 doesnt mean we have one foot in the grave. We are 45 and 49, very active young people. With plenty of love and good health to raise another child. Yes this child was not planned and yes it came from very terrible circumstances, but its a baby that is very much loved. I know there are couples out there that cant have children and I do feel for them. But I guess I must be selfish in the fact that I dont think I could live with myself giving my daughter away. Wouldn't that just be doing more wrong. Taking her away from her biological family? This is a subject both me and my husband are trying to figure out--I love him dearly and want to do whats best to keep our marriage together. I have always thought of myself as of having good christian values, I have been faithful all my life. Everyone is so hateful to the other woman, and I can understand the hurt, I dont even understand myself yet what happened, how I could have been so weak to let someone influence me so much as to ruin my life forever. I pray to the Lord each day for forgiveness, and I know he has forgiven me. But I am having trouble forgiving myself. I am doing everything I can to keep my marriage together...it is painful for us both.

I don't know why you sound so offended. The reason i asked your age actually is because I was curious. I assumed you had to be in your 40's. I was hoping you were because my sister is trying to conceive and worried that she was too old. I actually love stories where "older" women are able to conceive. The only reason I suggested adoption is because it sounded like that's what your husband wants and I wondered if age was a concern for him. I see nothing wrong with "older" parents having children. As for whether giving the baby up is doing more wrong I say no. Neither choice, keeping it or giving it up, is wrong in my opinion.

Full House,<p>Hello, I noticed that you are posting, and I have been where you are at right now. I just wanted to welcome you, and let you know that there is someone else on this board who has been through what you are going through. <p>A quick rundown of our story:<p>My H and I have been married 12 1/2 yrs, but not all of them were truly happy. We had a baby while my H was still in high school, and I was just out of high school. We put her up for adoption, as we both felt we were too young to raise a child.<p>After we got married, we had 2 more children, who are now 11 and 9 yrs old.<p>There were A's on both sides, so we have both been working on our relationship since D-day. Before D-day, we had been to counseling, but didn't have the right counselor, so it did no good. <p>In our case, xOM does not, and hopefully never will, know about Abbi. He was long gone by the time I started showing, and on D-day, I completely broke all ties with him.<p>The day we found out about the pregnancy, I was actually contemplating abortion, but God had his hand in our lives, and stopped that with the phone call that I thought was to a clinic. It was actually a Crisis Pregnancy office. We decided that it was best to go on with the pregnancy, but weren't sure, at that point, what to do after the baby was born.<p>My H didn't want me to go through another adoption, and the emotions that go with it, so he decided that he would give it his best to accept Abbi into his life.<p>Well, Abbi is now almost 8 months old, and is just as loved as our other 2 children. We have never done a DNA test, as my H is her Daddy in every way but one. Our other 2 children don't know about Abbi's paternity, but they will when the time is right.<p>I'm sorry if this dragged on, but I wanted to let you know that I have been through it, and if you need to ask questions, I really have no problem being open about what we have been through. <p>Please don't hesitate to ask anything. I am quite open about what has happened in our lives, and if it helps even one person, I will share it with everyone!<p>Love,<p>Tigger<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: tigger4jdt ]</p>