Hi there,

Here's my story, maybe I am wrong about this but I need to get this off my chest and maybe there are some other couples experiencing what I am going through at the moment.

I have been married for 11 years and I've known my wife for 17 years (we were going steady for about 2 years and got married after that). We have 2 kids aged 10 and 6.

This weekend we had our anniversary and I took my wife away for the weekend to a Game Lodge. The kids were also away on a horse riding camp and thus being the "perfect" weekend getaway for the wife and I.

Everything was going quite OK, we had a wonderfull dinner on Friday and had great sex and made love for hours on end, but Saturday afternoon we were talking in general when my wife suddenly asked me about my previous relationships (specially about the sexual part of things). I was kind of caught of guard, but never the less answered her questions she needed answers to.

So then I did the same, this is where the **** hit the fan. I asked her about her old boy friends and what they did, who touched her for the first time, when was the first time she did it etc. Then she came out with the following which switched me off completely so much so that we havent spoken a word since.

She told me years earlier that the first time she had an orgasm was with me. I knew she was'nt a virgin when we married and I had to deal with this issue as well (I feld deprived of the right and hated the guy that took that honour from me), in any case she told me now that this one guy gave her, her first orgasm as he knew his stuff when it came to foreplay and romancing. He would message her back for an hour etc etc. I felt betrayed as she betrayed my trust in her, if she can lie about this what else is she lying about.

Since then I am having these hauting images of this guy humping my wife and I might be to sensitive and jealous, but this is driving me insane.

She tried to have sex with me this morning but I am like stone cold, all I can think of and seeing is this guy ... now I also thinking how can I satisfy her if this guy knows his ****, so I dont? Who is she thinking of when we are making love her past lovers ?

I might be wrong here but has anyone got some advice for me on how to deal with these.

Thanks

God Bless

<small>[ December 07, 2003, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: confusedSA ]</small>

Confused,

Lemme get this straight...you and your wife have been relatively happily married for what -- 11 years? And you've been faithful to each other all that time? And your wife opened up to you about her past sexual relationships -- which happened before you two were together? And now you can't get it out of your mind what some guy might -- or might not -- have done more than a decade ago?

Here's a 2x4 for you...

You gotta be kidding.

You need to get real here, buddy. Based on what you've written here, your wife didn't betray your trust or anything else even like it. Any more than you betrayed her's...although an argument could be made for that. (She trusted you enough to open up to you...and to tell you that she did pretty much the same thing that you've done. And in the same time frame.)

You gotta bring your expectations -- your "rules" as it were -- down to a reasonable level. Before you mess up what sounds like it could be a really good marriage.

So what if some other guy have her The Big O? Just like: so what if YOU gave The Big O to the woman (women?) with whom you were having sex, and who wasn't your wife at the time?

Final point: you signed your post, "God Bless." I'm assuming by that, that you are familiar with the Golden Rule. It's a good one. Live by it. And love your wife; with forbearance.

Okay...I've put the 2x4 away now.

Take care...of her and yourself and your marriage,

__JG

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedSA:
<strong> Hi there,

Everything was going quite OK, we had a wonderfull dinner on Friday and had great sex and made love for hours on end,

Well if you say so. Unless you mean "make love" figuratively I doubt the ability of any man to do it for "hours on end". Maybe that's just my inadequacy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

... but Saturday afternoon we were talking in general when my wife suddenly asked me about my previous relationships (specially about the sexual part of things). I was kind of caught of guard, but never the less answered her questions she needed answers to.

After 11 years she "needs" answers? Or just wanted them? This conversation seems to have been much more of an issue for you than her.

So then I did the same...
...She told me years earlier that the first time she had an orgasm was with me. I knew she was'nt a virgin when we married and I had to deal with this issue as well (I feld deprived of the right and hated the guy that took that honour from me), in any case she told me now that this one guy gave her, her first orgasm as he knew his stuff when it came to foreplay and romancing. He would message her back for an hour etc etc. I felt betrayed as she betrayed my trust in her, if she can lie about this what else is she lying about.

Two comments (1) you had previous lovers and gave them an O. Or so I'm assuming. She had one and you're complaining that this other guy took that honour from you. Spare a thought for all the guys you've done that too as well. (2) I do realise that this is a bigger issue for men than women. But I'm with Java on this - the idea that the man can sow wild oats but the woman she be a virgin when she gets married is just not a logical thing to demand. She lied because she didn't want to hurt you.

Since then I am having these hauting images of this guy humping my wife and I might be to sensitive and jealous, but this is driving me insane.

The mental images can be a problem but you've just got to get over it.

She tried to have sex with me this morning but I am like stone cold, all I can think of and seeing is this guy ... now I also thinking how can I satisfy her if this guy knows his ****, so I dont? Who is she thinking of when we are making love her past lovers ?

She could say the same about your past lovers. And if the other guy was so great how come she's with you?

I might be wrong here but has anyone got some advice for me on how to deal with these.

The issue of jealousy of former lovers and those of your partner, is dealt with very effectively from a male perspective in the novel "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby. Ignore the very average film - the book is brilliant. It's funny and exposes the weaknesses in the male psyche on this issue.

Thanks

God Bless </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">