my hus and i have only been married for 13mths and we have a 6mth old baby. (i was around 3mths preg when we got married). prior to getting married, we dated for 3yrs. it is a 2nd marriage for both. i have no children from my prev marriage, he has 2 from his. we did not have a perfect relationship while we were dating and engaged, but we were really in love w/ each other and we have always weathered the storms of our relationship. my husband is in the military, also he is a full time student. w/ his sched he doesn't have much time at home to spend w/ me and our baby. i work full time. i have a problem w/ working f/t and he expects me to take care of the house work and baby (he only does about 10-15% of what needs to be done. my day starts at 6am, ends at 8pm, and i have to go to bed by 9pm b/c my baby still doesn't sleep thru the night. i am feeling very overwhelmed and worn out. even w/ his school and work, he still has plenty of time to hang out w/ his friends. i feel like he takes no responsiblity for me and our baby. for ex, last weekend, he planned on visiting a friend for the weekend, his friend lived 4hrs away. i told him i had to work, and he said i should call in sick to take care of the baby or it was my job to find an alternative. i don't think visiting any friend is more important than taking care of your child. i said everything i could to get him to stay, but he still went. a family member babysat, but i feel like it is HIS job to take care of his child. i ignored him for the first 2days he came back, then he got mad at me, saying i complain too much and nag too much. i told him if he was to just help me out more, it would stop the complaining. i just am not able to do it all on my own. he said he didn't know if it was worth it to even try anymore. i told him i would go and stay w/ my parents for awhile, he did not want me to do this. now there is a huge distance between us. when we talk about our problems, it feels like we say the same thing over and over. when we aren't talking about problems, it is wier for us to be together. for the past 5nights we have slept in different rooms. we had sex earlier today to see if it made us feel closer, and i don't think it did w/ him and it really didn't make me feel closer to him. i do love him very much and i think he loves me still. i told him all he needed to do was help me w/ our baby and w/ some housework and i would be a much happier wife, i asked him what could i do to improve the situation. he said he didn't know. he said i "nag" too much, and i told him i would start dieting after i had baby. i only way 15lbs more than i did before pregnancy, i currently am 125lbs, so i am not big at all. i don't know if he looks at me differently b/c i am heavier than i use to be, but to me that shouldn't matter. i told him if he helped me out more, i would make an effort not to nag. he said he would try, but he is so distant from me right now, i think these are just words. the last thing i want is another divorce, but it is too the point i have figured out a budget for myself in case we do seperate. he says he wants to make it work, but i don't feel like he shows it. for ex, i asked if he wanted to go christmas shopping w/ me, he said no b/c he had to go to school and register for next semester's classes, but then he spends 1 1/2 watching sports on t.v. i feel neglected and i feel as if his friends come before me. he says that is not true, but his actions are speaking louder than his words. i love our baby sooo much, he is my heart, but things are so much more complicated now, and i am feeling like we will not make it thru this time. in trying to find solutions to our problem, i suggested i not work, but financially we cannot afford this option. also, my hus feels like he cannot take less classes b/c he gets out of military in 1 1/2 yrs, and he feels the need to be finished at this time so he can get a good job. please help!!!

If he wants to make marriage work, what is he willing to do for that. Will he go to counseling.

What does he do differently with his friends that he can't do with you, Are you welcome to join him with his friends?
Have you read through the basic concepts on this site. There is a lot of good information that may help you change the way the 2 of you interact.

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

he works until 2am, so he does not go to bed as early as i have to. sometimes his friends come over after work and they play video games, which i don't mind. about every other weekend, he and some guys will go to a bar to have a few beers. this is not something i would not participate in for two resasons: i do not feel like i should have my baby at a sitter's house that late at night, and then i don't drink or have any desire to drink. also when it is football season, he goes to the sports bar to watch the game. i have tried getting into football w/ him, but honestly my heart isn't into it and i think he has more fun talking about it w/ people who know what they are talking about. before we had our baby, we would go out dancing alot, but now, that is not possible b/c i do not feel i am being a good parent if i stay out until 2 or 3am. honestly, i knew having a baby would change our life dramatically, and i knew we couldn't go out the way we did before, but i figured that it would be both of us not going out, not him going out while i stay home taking care of our child. also, having a baby has really changed my morals, and what i consider to be right and wrong, so some of the things i don't feel set a good example, my husband doesn't have a problem w/. i feel like we are so completely different. i suggested counseling, but he said that he didn't think it would do us any good, b/c he thinks the only people who can fix our problem is me and him. i have read the principles of this website, and i agree w/ them, i am just having trouble on how to apply them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">before we had our baby, we would go out dancing alot, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you done this since the baby? If not, what are you waiting for. I realize that you are a mother now and have other morals and responsibilities but you also have a husband and a life away from home.
My W has not worked since our 1st. We have had no social life either. Always felt that it was more important to be with children.
10 years later, I feel that there is a lot that we missed out on with each other that we will never be able to get back. I also believe that it is a big part of our downfall.

I'm not saying that you should try to live like you did before baby, but you should try to keep some of what you had before.

Recreational Companionship