Heavenly,<p>I found a book at my library called "Men Don't Cry... Women Do" by Terry L. Martin and Kenneth J. Doka, printed in 2000 (Series in Death, Dying and Bereavement) by Brunner/Mazel publishers (www.taylorandfrancis.com).<p>While it is a textbook, DH and I found some stunning insights in it that we wish we'd known during the loss of our daughter and miscarriages. Most helpful to us is the descriptions of "intuitive," "instrumental," and mixed-type grievers. I'll paraphrase from the book.<p>Intuiters are often female and exhibit what we think of as grieving: strong feelings, crying, needing to talk, needing support groups, etc. Instrumental grievers are often men and have different coping styles. Instrumental grievers are uncomfortable sharing their feelings with others, value maintaining control over their behaviors, and channel their grief into activity. (Note, this might also apply to processing the grief of affairs. HM!)

Instrumental grievers may feel "excess affect" (their strong sadness, anger, etc.) as excess or nervous energy. That energy may be put into everything from mindless exercise (running, weightlifting, mowing grass, stacking wood, gardening, sewing) to memorializing the deceased (chiseling a tombstone, planting memorial trees, etc.) to solving problems associated with the loss (rebuilding a fence damaged in a car wreck, joining MADD, or other action). Activity is a way to restore normalcy and a sense of security in the wake of a loss.<p>Another characteristic of instrumental grievers, (which may apply to some cases of ADULTERY?!--my own thought), is, because these grievers experience their feelings as extra energy, they may be aroused or feel aroused without conscious awareness! Instrumental grievers "may report feeling calm when, in fact, their heart rate, respiration, and blood pressure all indicate a state of arousal. [They] may become confused, disoriented, disorganized, and unable to concentrate." However, their reactions will generally be of a shorter duration that the intuitive griever's. <p>Given the above description plus the marital stress, miscommunication, and lesser sexual activity that often accompanies strong grief, it is no wonder so many marriages (like MINE!) are affected by infidelity during such a vulnerable time. <p>Heavenly, I point this out to you and your H NOT because I'm worried about more affairs for you guys, but because this might help you understand and SUPPORT each other during your new time of grief. I'm hoping this info. could be a Marriage Builder for you!!! There is lots more in the book. I'd be happy to type more if it would help.
DH apologized to me again and said he wished he could've known these things earlier to help him avoid the horrible mistake of his affair and OC.

up up!

Now this thread deserves to be bumped to the top.<p>Heavenly, I hope you know we are still thinking of and praying for you. This link may help<p>http://www.aplacetoremember.com/griefhome.html

Bozos_ Deb<p>Thank you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 18, 2001: Message edited by: Xarelel ]</p>

That's why I think you ROCK, Jenny! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for your help guys. I hope Heavenly sees this! Great addition Deb!!<p>Heavenly, see also:<p>Compassionate Friends
www.jjt.com/~tcfnational<p>SHARE
NationalSHAREOffice.com<p>Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center
1421 East Wayzata Boulevard #30
Wayzata, MN 55391
612-473-9372 <p>BEREAVEMENT AND HOSPICE SUPPORT NETLINE
A general State-by-State listing of all varieties of support groups
http://ube.ubalt.edu/www/bereavement/states.html <p>Center for Loss in Multiple Birth, Inc. (CLIMB)
c/o Jean Kollantai
P.O. Box 1064
Palmer, AK 99645
907-746-6123 <p>other loss websites:
http://homepage.floodcity.net/users/golden/

up up<p>Heavenly?!

Keep trying for Heavenly...

Heavenly, Dear, where are you??
Prayers for your sorrow,
J

up for Heavenly and those who've lost babies

wish I knew if Heavenly saw this. <p>Heavenly, I remember my grief being esp. bad around 6-7months, and the holidays, but everyone is different. I hope you have folks holding your hand and listening.

Jenny, Bozo's Deb, Xarelel, Tryin4,<p>I said it in my other post a few minutes ago, but I think it needs to be said twice. Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for providing me with so many wonderful resources that I know will help me through this terrible time in my life.<p>I know Jenny has lost a child and had several miscarriages. I am not sure about the rest. There is nothing as painful as carrying a child, going through delivery and having that child die. In my case, it was twice as hard to lose my perfect little boy and girl.<p>God bless all you. I know He already has because He takes care of special people like you -- you are His angels on earth.<p>love to all,
heavenly