At this point I can't even imagine my marriage working out. OC is about 2 months old and H keeps going back and forth between whether he wants to see him or not. I'm so angry and hurt every time H writes his monthly check; H is so depressed about situation he can barely work. We have been dealing with this together for about 10 months. Before OC was born I thought we could make it. We went to counseling and things were better than they had been for a long time. But when OC was born, H went into major funk, depression, was in the hospital for 2 weeks. He had previously decided to only take care of the financial resonsibility and not see oc, but changed his mind after oc was born. He now says he's decided not to see oc...he's obviously confused and doesn't know how he feels. I'm tired of trying to hold things together when I don't feel anything for H any more and I can't stand the moping and depression any more! I'm ready to move on with my life and he can't cope! We have 2 kids, 3 and 6 yrs. I'm at a point where I think I would be happier if I didn't have to deal with this on a daily basis, especially since H can't seem to deal with it at all! Any suggestions? Something has to give!

Have you been to counseling in the last couple of weeks? Did H ever see the counselor by himself? Also, how do you feel about H having contact with OC? I am sorry to ask so many questions. Your H may need to consider some medication to get out of his funk. I know from experience that you cant make decisions when you can barely function. I am sorry things are so rough right now. Hang in there.

Callie,<p>I can't say that I know what you are going through right now. I am very new here and my H oc has not been born yet. I pray that whatever decision you make is the best one for you and your kids.<p>My H has told me the same thing that he will have nothing to do with oc when it comes but in the back of my mind I have that fear that he may change his mind and I don't know how I could handle that either. You are a stong woman and you do have tons of support here. <p>Take care
Jules

Callie,<p>My h is telling me also that he will not see oc when it is born, and only be responsible monetarily for he or she. But like Jules27, I fear that he will change his mind, want to see oc, and go into that depressed, confused mode that your H is in now. <p>I would encourage you to keep the faith and stay strong in the Lord because you are at rocks bottom emotionally and seemingly physically. You do not have the strength to endure something like this, none of us do, but God has it for you. As much as i would just love to throw my h away and never look back, he is my H. Your h, just like mine and others, are weak, broken and feeling guilty and hurting and all those things, but you can be his strength, his light. I know these may seem like just words, but they are words backed by TRUTH, which is the Power of God.<p>Don't give up on your marriage because as long as your h breathes, he is your husband. God will keep his promise to you both to bless your marriage, but you both have to ask him to and trust him with whatever he has allowed for your marriage. I can't say that I understand why God allows the things he does, but i do my best to trust him completely with my life. <p>I know now, a little to late, why I should have been a better, more attentive, and less negligent wife. I was very selfish, self-motivated and really didn't care about H's needs, and now here i am...wondering why this happened and the answer stares me in the face, SOMEONE ELSE FULFILLED THOSE NEEDS - I'm not saying it is right what my h did, because it is not, but I probably would still be that same damn selfish person not caring about my h, only myself -Now, and only now, do i love my h, not take him for granted and see how stupid i was and how precious he is and how much i loved him all along. I can't help but kick myself for being so immature.<p>Don't give up on your marriage. I know it's hard, the torture goes beyond what we can endure i know, i'm living it too, but I KNOW that GOD's strength kicks in when ours is gone. For me, that is a daily occurance. <p>I pray for you that God would give you his love and make it so vivid that you remain determined to stand behind Him and let Him battle this out for you. After all, this is NOT your battle to win, it is God's.<p>There is hope,
Julia

I have to say, in our case, my H wanted to adopt out OC from the beginnig. He wanted her to have a good chance at life that he cannot give her. But since OW wanted to keep the baby, he wanted nothing to do with the OC and told OW repeatedly that. (OW kept telling him he would change his mind and leave me and our four children for her.)(OW told me that too, then blasted me saying, "I see he made his choice..." meaning that he chose to stay with me. OW also told me that she was madly in love with my H and that me and my four children mean sh** to her and that she will not let my H go.)<p> When the OC was born, he showed up to sign the Birth certificate and left. He arranged to meet her in a public place to pay her money to keep her from calling me, until I had our child. (I have a history of miscarriages).<p>When it all got out into the open, H signed away his rights to the child. The OW got sole care and custody of the OC. We just pay our child support and 66% of the health care. OC is on our insurance and I handle the reimbursements of the prescriptions etc. to OW myself. There is no contact and we have P.O. Box for the OW to give the doctors etc. an address for medical billing.<p>OW has moved since all this and is closer to where my H works now and I have to trust him which is a hard thing.<p>He signed away his rights, but that doesn't mean that he couldn't be off sneaking to see them. I have to trust the Lord in that area and I am confident that that is not the case for us. We are doing well in marriage couseling and trying to rebuild 16 years of trust.<p>Our way isn't the only way. I urge you to pray and seek what is best for your family. This is what we deemed best when we considered all the facts and we had some time to decide when things settled down.(waiting for the dna test gave us that time to really look at all angles)<p>But I can honestly say, that my H made up his mind about the child. He couldn't force OW to do what he wanted, (she gave the child our last name without his permission and we couldn't change it legally because he signed the birth certificate, which I found out later he didn't have to sign it.) so she gets the joy of raising the child alone. <p>I in no way blame the child. I feel terrible for her. But my responsibility lies with the four children I have at home. To me, though, it does not negate my responsibility to pray for the OC and I do. I even started a journal for her in case she ever comes around looking for us. In it I wrote about how I found out about her and how I feel, good and bad and all and why we had to make the decisions we did. We cannot, due to the nature of the OW, allow the OW into our four children's lives here (no boiling pots of rabbit on my stove if I can help it! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] )regardless of the OC. The OW loves OC and we know she is well cared for and loved by her mother and her mother's friends and family.<p>In short, what I am trying to say is my H is still in no contact with OW/OC. The fear is still there (of him sneaking off), but I made up my mind not to be ruled by fear. I will give my marriage my all, until I am told or find out otherwise. I am believing for a healed, whole marriage.<p>well, I've rambled enough...not sure if I made sense and I have four kids screaming for mommy right now... I am going to re-read this to make sure I sound sane........
Happy Turkey day to y'all too!
Hugs,
Twiisty

Thanks everyone for the input. My husband is on medication for his depression, but it hasn't seemed to help yet. He is also in fear of losing his job due to his inability to concentrate and be effective. I have a strong faith in God and I'm trying to trust Him completely because I know I can't do it alone. Unfortunately, my H is not a believer and doesn't understand how God could love and forgive someone like him, who has done the things he has done. I'm getting tired of being the strong one, always trying to encourage, see how I can help H. Even before the affair, H wasn't really there for me or our kids...he was very selfish and pretty much did his own thing. We were in counseling together for months after Dday and things seemed to get better. Then OC was born, H went into tailspin, ended up in psych ward for 2 weeks...suicidal, psychotic, depressed. I have filed for divorce which H isn't fighting, but have not asked H to move out. Partly because of our kids and also partly because I don't really know what I want. My H is not a partner in dealing with this mess...he's just part of the mess that I have to deal with on my own. <p>I appreciate the support here. I have a couple of friends that know my situation, but it's not general knowledge. I'm rambling now, but thanks again.

Just wanted to bump this up and see if I could get more input from you all! Thanks!