I have just found this forum and it seems to be what I need. I want to tell you my whole story (as I know it at this point) so that anyone with advice from any aspect might help me.<p>Three weeks ago a letter arrived for my H from the Child Support Enforcement. I went completely numb and spent the rest of the day that way until my H came home and we had a chance to discuss it. He simply didn't know what to say...I asked some questions and then he gave me the information I needed. I guess I always suspected it deep down.<p>Six years ago we relocated to a different state, new job, new home, etc. Everything was wonderful. My H had had a brief affair in the first year of our marriage but we had worked through it and it had been thirteen years ago. He had promised it would never happen again and I believed him. We had a very strong marriage and four wonderful children.<p>Anyway along with his new job came some traveling committments. On one trip there were three guys and a woman...they got drunk (my H had not been drinking in years and this trip seemed to bring out everything bad with him) and slept together. He also said that after that first time she made it clear to him that her door would always be open. He took advantage of that another 3 or 4 times when he was feeling stressed or angry. I never saw it happening, although when he seemed angry I would question him. He assured me that he would never do that to me again.<p>At one point I was away on business and when I returned one of my friends told me that she had seen my H dancing with the OW at a nightclub. Again, this seemed strange because my H was not drinking. I asked him about it, he said it was innocent and that it was a going away party for someone. About a month later I heard that the OW was pregnant. I panicked and again asked my H if there was any way anything had happened with her and could the baby be his. Total denial.... Once the baby was born I was again suspicious simply because my H is Hispanic and so was the baby. Again, things were going so well with my H and myself that I chose to believe him when he assured me that it wasn't possible.<p>Anyway, back to the letter...he confessed everything. The affair was over once she became pregnant and decided to have the baby. My H loves me very much and always has, he just doesn't deal with conflict very well and I guess he thought this affair with someone only too willing to let him in the door whenever he needed to would take care of his stress. Dumb, huh?<p>I know the OW because I worked with her at that time also. We had a very nice, professional relationship. Once I found out the truth we (my H and I) went to her home to discuss the situation with her. She apologized and swore she never meant it to happen. She also said that her tremendous respect for me kept her from doing anything about CS up until now. She was receiving some aid from the gov't but they refused to keep helping her unless she revealed the father. <p>She had contacted my H about voluntary CS, but he refused because he didn't want me to know about it. He has tremendous shame and guilt over this and it is eating him up as well along with the five years he has suffered in silence.<p>The OW did everything she could to come up with another solution and finally broke down with the father's info. Thus we are being sued by the state for CS. The OW doesn't want the state mandated assistance, she just wants enough to help her get by. Unfortunately now that the state is involved they want it to go through the court system. We have a date set in two months.<p>I believe we can come to an amicable solution. I know that the OW could have made it miserable for us from the beginning. The fact that the OC will soon be five and nothing has been done convinces me that she is sincere when she says she doesn't want to cause us any more grief. Plus we live in a very small town and this is not public knowledge so she has been very respectful of that as well.<p>What I am struggling with is that even though it all happened almost six years ago, it still hurts me tremendously. I can't get over the feelings of betrayal and overwhelming sadness and grief. My H has been wonderful, very attentive and we are spending lots of quality time, walking and talking, etc. We need each other to get through this...<p>We haven't decided yet about telling our own four children. I'm afraid they will be just as devastated as I am and I am not in a position to help them work through it until I come to some sort of acceptance myself.<p>Also, my H doesn't know what to do about his relationship with the OC. Apparently he has visited about 3 times a year and given the OW money for birthday/Christmas. I don't like the idea of that either...I feel like my H has this secret life and I don't understand how it could have gone on for so long without me knowing anything.<p>I'm sure this post is too long, but I needed to get it all out. Looking for any advice anyone may have....<p>Thank you.

I welcome you to a club no one joins willingly. <p>I have no advice to give, as everyone may handle the same problem differently.<p>I also found out about xOW and OC's after the affair was over for 4 years. H was paying CS without my knowlege of anything. I, like you, had forgiven the one, other A from early in our marriage. My H promised he would never do it again, as it hurt me so much. I am now into 5 years of healing. Some wounds take a long time to heal, if possible at all. But you can't give up.<p>I am sorry to hear of your pain.<p>ember

I also found out about H's affair when a child support paper came last July. I was waiting for something from the courts and opened it up. H has two children (from before we were together with OW). I was so confused when I saw that her newest child was on his CS paper. I thought the courts had made a mistake. When he came home that evening I confronted him and he confessed to having an affair for 2 1/2 years with OW. <p>I too had NO IDEA! He had been hiding this for so long. I knew OW was pregnant becasue at the time the state had taken her and H's children away from her for neglect. The papers also mentioned her unborn child. I asked H and he said it was some guys! Again, I just knew H would never do anything like that again.<p>I was devastated as I sure you are. I really have no words of wisdom. All I can offer you is the short lived experience of being there as you are. <p>As wonderful as the three friends I have told are, I'm sure they don't want to hear every mood swing and emotion that I am feeling.<p>I have found such peace coming here, reading the posts and venting when necessary. It feels good to get it all out.<p>I wish you comfort right now.<p>Take care,
Why

Mariachimom,<p>I, too, welcome you to our board. I am from the other side of this, being a W who had an A which resulted in a child. I have been on this board for just over a year, and do have some sence of what you are feeling, as my H has also had As. I have also see what my H went through during my pregnancy, and the subsequent birth of our precious Abbi. Early on, we decided, together, to raise Abbi as OUR baby, and the xOM never knew about my pregnancy, and so doesn't know about Abbi. We felt it better for our marriage if xOM was not ever involved in our lives again.<p>As for you not understanding why it hurts so much now, after the A was over for 5 or so yrs, well, it is still new to you. It is normal for you to feel the way that you do! It doesn't matter if it just happened yesterday or 10 or more years ago, it will still hurt just as much, because it was a betrayal to you and your marriage.<p>Have you guys seen a counselor, or do you have any support during this time? Have you read around on this site? If not, please do both! I highly recommend getting a couple of the books offered here. They are a great help. Also, if you can, seek out a counselor who is willing to work on saving the marriage. There are many marriage counselors out there who would just tell you to move on in a situation like this. But, as you can see, there are many who have survived this painful occurance for a long time. The biggest thing is, you and your H both have to be willing to repair the damage this has caused. I can tell you that one of the hardest things will be the trust, and possibly his own forgiveness of himself for what he has done to you. That was my hardest hurdle, but I have cleared both of them, and we are on our way to an even better marriage ahead.<p>I hope that I helped, and don't worry about posting long threads. You need to get it out somehow, and that is what we are here for. Please, feel free to vent, rant, rave, cry, whatever you feel you need to do. We are all here to support you in this time of need. It may also be easier to just let it all out, since we are basically anonymous here, and have all gone through your feelings of frustration and pain.<p>Again, Welcome, and post often, as you feel the need.<p>Tigger

mariachimom,<p>I'm not sure if I can be much help to you as far as offering advice because I am new myself. But all the members here have been so helpful and supportive of me and it has helped tremendously! I am also from Oklahoma and in my post about CS questions, someone was very helpful and posted a very long but informative post about specific laws here in OK. <p>Like I said I can't offer a lot of advice except that everyone here is very supportive and will take you in as if you have been here all along. <p>you are in my thoughts
Jules

Sorry to have to welcome you to this kind of support group, but this is a great place to come to for support. I am a newbie myself and I am here to send hugs to y'all....
Hugs,
Twiisty

Mariachimom,<p>I too hate to have to welcome you to this support group. <p>But trust, you will receive just that. <p>There are so many women here who have felt EXACTLY what you are feeling at this very moment.<p>I found it very comforting, when I first arrived, to know that my feelings of love/hate/anger/resentment/sorrow were all perfectly normal.<p>It felt good to know that when I had bad days there was someone to vent with and when I had good days everyone was genuinely excited to hear about them.<p>Sometimes it's difficult to share those raw emotions with anyone who "can't relate", and often when we share with our husbands it only twists the dagger of their guilt deeper. This can be counter productive to their healing. And yes, they too need to heal and forgive themselves. Often a difficult task.<p>So please come here as often as you need. We are glad that you found us early in your discovery.<p>I wonder if someone will bring the thread up that gives everyone's story, so you can read about all the regulars here.<p>Anyway, talk with you soon.
Z.

Thanks to all of you for welcoming me...I've had some really bad days and then I have some "okay" days.<p>Mostly I am determined to not become bitter and to work out an amicable solution for all of us. The OC is as much a victim as I and my four children are and I don't want to take it out on her. As for the OW, my H and I have discussed it to great length and I have talked to her about some of the details. Although she was more than willing to be available to my H she did not do any actually pursuing, and actually felt guilty once she had met me. I told her that I wished the guilt and respect that she felt for me would have been enough for her to send my H on home, but I guess that would be expecting too much. <p>Anyway, my H didn't want her to have the OC and of course she assured him that she wanted nothing from him and was good to her word (the OC will turn five this week). Changes in her economic situation have forced her to ask him for help and while I hope we can come to an amicable, adult solution, I fear for our future. There are so many unknowns and while she is being extremely respectful of our family right now I wonder how she will feel if my H decides NOT to have contact with the OC. I'm afraid that resentment may cause her to turn into a ruthless witch.<p>I have given this situation over to God and He has given me tremendous peace. I don't feel resentment, anger, or hatred toward either the OW or the OC, just incredible sadness and hurt toward my husband. Yes, she knew that he was married, but he is the one who chose to break his vows and throw away the trust and respect in our marriage. I love my H more than I can understand myself and I am doing everything possible to be supportive of him and to help him through this. <p>Sometimes I just need someone to help me too. The situation is incomprehensible to me. I have only EVER been with my own H and I guess for someone to so easily fall into bed with someone they are not married to just doesn't make sense to me.<p>At least the OW is being very decent in her requests of us. I know now that she had lost a baby a couple of years before she got pregnant with OC (also in a illegitimate relationship) and I understand her need to have this child. I do not begrudge her that. I just wish as so many others here that my H had more of a say so in the outcome.<p>Please include us in your prayers. In the three weeks since all of this came out we have become extremely close and my H is being so supportive of me (answering all my questions without becoming defensive, etc.)<p>I believe that God does work for good for those who truly believe in Him! Our marriage will be so much stronger and better, even though it took this tremendous sin to bring that about....

Mariachimom, your story is so much like most of ours here. I am happy your marriage is "stronger" and for your faith in God.
More so, I'm happy you found a place like this. A safe haven to come and ask for help and receive it.<p>I remember after d-day confession thinking "this only happened to me and no one else!"...then through some searching I found this site. I've been here over a year and have received so much support. You will to.<p>Bless you.<p>love
Debi