Hi! I am newlywed. (Married for 8 months.) My H is overseasfor about two weeks, and I feel like I am losing my mind! I am trying to stay busy, and plan activities, but temptations are being thrown at me left and right. Since I got married, none of my female friends have stayed in touch with me, even though I have made numerous attempts to stay in touch and to hang out. I love my H very much, but with him being gone, and no friends around, I feel very alone and vunerable. Can ANYONE give me advice on how to deal??! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LFN:

Two weeks is not very long, although I am sure for yoou(and being a newlywed is tough) it is difficult.

Are there other issues in your marriage (or with you) that are bothering you ?

You have not given a lot of info so it is difficult to know what (advice) to give, other than to say be patient.

If temptations are being thrown at you, you must learn to ignore them.

Would you tell us more?

"Are there other issues in your marriage (or with you) that are bothering you ?"

Yes. The problem is that I asked him to wait to make this trip until A: We had enough money that the both of us could go. B: I had earned my vaction time at work so it would be at least a paid vacation. (My vacation time would start in March). He decided to go on anyway. He went overseas to visit his family. Plus, he is going to be gone for Christmas, our very first Christmas! It makes me very upset that he just brushed aside my feelings about the trip, and just went on anyway. The icing on the cake is he left me only $20 bucks in emergency money for the 2 weeks he is gone. $20 bucks!!! I just feel that it is unfair that he gets to go overseas to have fun and stuff, while I have to work my butt off and be lonely on Christmas.
As far as the temptations, I'm getting emails from ex's wanting to get back together again. (One guy I had ONE date FOUR years ago!! Now he wants to try again! Unreal!) I am trying to hang and there and all, but they way that he left really left a bad taste in my mouth.

LFN:

Ok. Now I understand why you are so upset. Please know that I am very sorry, as I am sure this so hurtful, particularly being newly married.

First, please try to put your emails on hold with these other ex's. I suggest reading all of Harley's principles first. Remember, first and foremost, you have a commitment to live up to right now. If you get into the danger zone with these ex's (Harley specifically states avoiding all former lovers and ex's as the flame can easily re-ignite). YOu will find the info you need under concepts. READ THEM.

Is there a specific reason why your Husband did this? Specifically, were you in contact with these former Ex's prior to his departure? If you were, this may be the source of his disatisfaction right now. You are best to stop all contact with them right now, and wait for your H's return.

IN the meantime read POJA and Radical Honesty. You soound as thoough you could easily get in over your head w/ the ex's and create a firestorm that will be a real Hell on Earth.

Please wait for H's return and in the maentime read all you can on this site.

Also consider posting to the Emotional Needs Forum. You will get a better response there. Also, weekends are notoriously slow here ( like me...LOL). Consider posting over there. You will get great advice there.

And, I will check back a little later if you need help.

Also, I will give you my e-mail. If you do not want to use it I understand. I offer only because it is Xmas...and I sense you are very lonely and I do not want to see you do something in haste. Normally, I would not do this. It generally is frowned upon here...particularly since you are in a very vulnerable state. But, it is your choice. I completely understand if you choose not to use it.


Best to You!

Whenever my ex's contacted me, I told them that I was married and that I loved my husband very much. If they stated that they wanted to meet up and "just talk", I firmly said no, and that pretty much closed the door. The problem is that "when it rains, it pours". It just a lot of them are contacting me. I haven't told my husband about it. My husband said the reason for him going is that he really misses is family, and that he needs to see them. I totally understand that, but my problem is that he rushed into this without thinking about how I would deal. I mean he barely had the money to go. When a big decsion like this needs to be made, both people need to come to an agreement, a compromise. I feel that he just did what he wanted to do, and I am left by myself. I talk to him everyday, and he says he misses me dearly, and that his mom talks about me all the time, but that doesn't help. Thank you for offering your email address. This site has been a big help already!

LFN:

You are right. It should have been a joint decision, especially considering

1/ You are his wife and the most important person in his life.

2/ Finances are tight.

You are doing the right things. And refusing the ex's e-mails is right on the money.

He and you need to read His Needs/ Her Needs and do a policy of Joint Agreement on how to handle all of these issues in the future. It will go a long way in making your marriage the one youo really want it to be.

I have noticed that woman, more than men have a better sense out of what a good marriage should consist of with regard to almost all important issues. Nevertheless, read this book. It may be the single most important read you will ever pick up.

Thank you! I was thinking about talking to my husband about this when he got home, but I have a lot to get off my chest and I'll probably talk about it today. I read the POJA. It is soo on point! He and I totally need to read that agreement.

"I have noticed that woman, more than men have a better sense out of what a good marriage should consist of with regard to almost all important issues."

-We rock! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes you do rock !

I wish I had realized that sooner myself. Of course my ex had her own issues as well. Certainly, I made my share of mistakes with her. But, I know one thing. I will be a better man in my next relationship.

About thePOJA. Do not just read it. It will be important to fill out a His Needs/Her Needs questionaire first. Then do othe POJA. In writing. Sign it and hang it on the wall or someplace you can easily get to it. Once you do it, live it!. And, be flexible. Life has a way of changing things.

You sound so much better.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

LaFemme,

Great name! Anyway, I think you are so RIGHT to get help now for this behavior. I understand that it must be very painful to you. I know how hurtful it is when a spouse ignores your wants, needs, stresses, etc.

How old are you? When you're young, you have so many people giving you such bad advice. "Live your own life." and the other such garbage. And quite possibly your loving hubby got some very bad advice.

One key is to show him this site and information in a none judgemental non-threatening way. Many men see POJA as a loss of power, autonomy. So position it in a way that he is the winner of it.

Thank you for the compliment. Well, I called my husband last night, and told him how I felt. We had a good, long conversation about everything. This is a first marriage for both of us. (I'm 22 and he is 24.) I just basically told him that a lot of things we are gonna have to deal with would be like a trial by fire basis. I am learning things as we go. But we made a resolution, and I feel a lot better. I thank God for this website, because I had no idea how to express myself. And thanks Gregg for the great advice and help!

LFN:

See what I mean about womens innate sense of what to do in GG's comment? Provide the info in a non-threatening and in fact, charming way. I would never have thought of that in those terms. Those are the very good pieces of advice that make a marriage so wonderful. Especially, when they are shared in the right way. ( I bow to GG's greatness)

And, you are very welcome. I am glad that I could be of help.