I want to warn everyone that this is a long post and also I am an XOW. I am not posting here to hurt or make anyone uncomfortable. I have been lurking on this bored for eight months and I thought this would be the best place to get advice. I want to say that I am sorry for all the pain that all you have been going though and I don't mean to cause anyone any pain.
I would like by sharing my story with you. I am an XOW and I also have an OC. We met at work two and a half years ago and became friends because we hung out in a group together at lunch and after work. We became best friends and shared and talked about everything. I was living with someone and I knew he was married (I am not going to make any excuses about that). After acouple of months he surprised me by telling me that he loved me. I was so shocked and scared so we called off our friendship, but after a couple of weeks he told me that he could handle being just friends with me. I moved out on my own because my living situation was a temp one until I found my own place. It was on that fateful day that we kissed. I am not going to drag on an tell of the details of the affair, but it became very intense. We broke it off many times but he would just always call me. I knew he loved his wife because i would ask him why was he doing this. He would always say I love you both. I am not going to justify this affair, but I will say I love this man with all my heart. All that said I wish that I never moved here after college. I wish I never got this job, I wish we never talked to him, I wish we never became friends, I wished he never loved me or me love him. I wish EVERYONE INVOLVED was not hurt by this.
His wife found out about us over a year ago. She was very upset and we talked and became friends. At this time he told alot of lies. His wife and I talk and I apologized to her and she forgave me. MM and I didn't talk after that but I still would call and talk to his wife and she would call and talk to me. After about two weeks he decided to tell the truth and left her because he wanted to be with me. He came to my house and I called his wife and we convinced him to at least go home and talk to her. He told her he loved me but he didn't want to loose his family also. She called me and told me that she wanted him to stay but she wanted us to be friends also so he wouldn't miss me. Looking back I wish we never agreed to that arrangement because we would not be here now!
To make a long story short I ended up pregnant. He was scared at first but we decided to keep the baby. We decided to break it off so he could figure out what to do. He wanted to save money and get his own place so he could take care of all of his kids. Well, that plan did not work because my employer found out that I was pregnant and they went behind my back and asked him if he was the father and he said yes. Well he was fired that day because of a no fratanization(sp?) rule between our departments. Because of this he was forced to tell his wife sooner. She was very upset,which I completely understood!! The only problem is, I hate to use the word, but she went crazy. She began sending me death threats and said she would kill my baby while she was in my stomach and if she was born she was going to kill it then too. I tried to ignore it at first, but she began following me and having people calling me. It became so bad I had to get a restraining order and she was also arrested. My job also had to get restraing order against her.
Fastforward again, when I was six months pregnant I had not talked to MM in three months because I had changed my number. He called someone at my job and they gave him my new number. He told me that he wanted to be there for his baby and wanted us to get back togheter. I told him no on the getting back togther, but I had no problem with him being in his childs life. He went to doctor appointments, went baby shopping, put up the nursery. Two weeks before the delivery he told his wife that he had every intension(sp?) of being there when his baby was born. Well she rallied his mother, sister and other family members to tell him that if he had anything to do with the baby before I took him to court for child support and DNA they would disown him. When he told me this I said that is fine, but I was not going to court because I felt that we could work this out without that. Well I changed my number again and I had my daughter. My daughters godmother is also my coworker and is friend with me, MM, and wife and she was there only source of communication. She told them that the baby was born, and MM had a breakdown and spent a week in the hospital. They both someway got my number and the death threats began again. He would call begging to see his daughter. He would come to my building and I would not let him in. He begged me to take him to court so he could see his daughter without loosing his family. His wife threatened to take his son home to another country with her. It is such a mess. I was frightened to take him to court because he wanted to get visitation so he could take her to his family because of the things she said she would do to my joy, my baby. I am young and after alot of soul searching and hearing him beg I decided to file for support. I don't make that much money so I did need the help. MM was so happy when he got the summons, but here lies my problem. After the paper were served his wife was upset because she had hoped, even though she told me to take him to court, I would not. His family told him if he has anything to do with his baby they are still going to disown him even though we went to court. I just don't know what to do. He is calling crying and I just don't know what to do. This is my daughters daddy and that is his little girl. He will not let go, but I am so scared for my baby. This man is so sucidal right now.
I know alot of you probably didn't want to hear this so I am so sorry for anyone hurt but I would really like some input. I will be waiting for some input.

Questioning, I feel for you and your daughter, but you have put her in this mess. Now that you are petitioning for child support, your MM, the father of your child, has rights for visitation and you cannot stop him. You may be able to stop his wife from having contact for now with child, based on her past threats, and based on her past performance I would certainly look into this for the safety of your daughter. HOwever, you want his money but not him in his life--and as long as he is with his wife, she will be the child's stepmother. You will have nothing to do with this and have no ability to stop her contact, unless you investigate her potential harm to child and stop her having anything to do with visits with the child. I would anticipate eventually the wife will be involved with your child. You are asking the MM to choose between his wife and extended family and your child.NOt an easy thing for him to do. Even if he wants to be your child's father, what kind of life will your daughter have, ostracized by your husband's family? will you and she be happy with that? I doubt it. I speak as a wife whose H has done the same thing. I want nothing to do with the child, do not wish it harm, unlike your MM"s wife,but well understand her angry feelings. The child's existence has damaged my life.Can you understand that from the wife's perspective? In my case, I am seriously thinking of divorcing my H. My husband wants to have some say in this child's life. I wish him not to have anything to do with child, for I am ashamed by what he has done to our marriage and our family. My children will be humiliated by what their father has done. They will not want contact with the child and may lose the love they have for their father. HOw much price do you think the MM"s family should pay for the MM's mistake as well as the wishes of the OW to have the child? I am seriously thinking of divorcing husband because I cannot deal with all of this. He has destroyed much of our life, but so has the OW. The child has made it so much more difficult for me to recover from this mess.If I divorce my H, he may then have more contact with OC, but less contact with our children, probably face resentment if not ostracism from his family, our friends, our children's friends, our children themselves. HIs life will never be the same, and I don't think very happy. The child will not be accepted by his family at all.do you think your child will not feel damaged by not being accepted by her father's family ? I feel for the OC, but not at expense of my kids . Those kids are my responsibility,a nd the OC is not. I wish you well, you have a very tough road to hoe. Be careful of the MM's wife-she sounds potentially dangerous.

What a rotten awful mess to bring a child into. Adoption would have been the most loving, the most kind, the most unselfish thing to do. Then the child would have an opportunity to have a life filled with love and opportunity with a two parent household instead of chaos and turmoil, the Betrayed Spouse and MM could possibly rebuild their marriage without the possiblity of financial ruin, and put this ugly episode behind them and move forward, you could begin anew knowing you did the right thing for everyone concerned and look like a saint in the process, no one would disown anyone and you wouldn't have to spend the next 18 years as a single parent struggling to make ends meet or having to sue for child support.<p>Since you have kept the child, I guess I would advise you to do what I did. I put yesterday behind me, got a job and made a life for myself and for my son without any help from my ex-husband. It's not the ideal scenario, of course, but my pride prevented me from going after the almighty dollar, even though I was especially entitled because I was actually married to the man for several years. I also refused his calls and he eventually went away forever.<p>Catnip =^^=

Have you figured out what you are going to do yet? If I were you, I would set all the drama aside and think of the kid first. The baby is here now so there is no going back. What is best for the baby now that the baby is here?<p>What would be the most healthy thing to do? Could you move away? Change jobs? Live with a family member?<p>MM threatening to commit suicide doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around your baby. Children's spirits are very vulnerable. I would be careful.<p>The phone company can change your number for free if you are receiving harassing phone calls. Hide yourself in Christ. Don't be afraid. Babies can sense that too. You're a mom now so you have to rise to the challenge, woman! You'll make it. Don't be manipulated by MM and his family's hysteria. Do what would give you and your baby the most health and peace and serenity.<p>Oh and don't forget to pray, pray, pray! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you for answering. I wanted to clarify one thing to you, I was not going to go to court they beg me to go. He wants to pay for his child I did not ask him.
SWS- I am sorry for the pain that you are going through! I don't think I mad myself too clear, but I have never asked him to leave his family or to choose between us. I told him that I don't want a relationship with him. He is the one that keeps on coming after me. I have changed my number several times trying to get away and he has still found a way to get it. At my job we have to list our phone number in case they need us so he gets the number from there. <p>Catnip- Thank you for your response. Adoption was never an option for me because I would have rather raised her myself, she is my baby! I didn't decided on my own to have the baby, we decided. I won't be able to just leave because he wants his daughter and has told me he will fight for her if I tried to move. Not only that I am in school also getting my Masters.<p>BTDT- Thank you so much for your prayers. My child is loved a whole lot. She has grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other family and friends that love her to death. She is the light of my life and she is an incredibly (sp?) beautiful child (I mean that literally, she is unusually beatiful). When you look at her she just makes your heart melt. She is almost 4 months old. I love her and he love her and will never let her go. I wish I could make everyone understand that I am not trying to take anything from no one this is what he wants.
I don't know what to do about the threats and phone calls because I already have a restraining order against her and she is breaking it but I just can't find it in my heart to send her to jail again. If she gets arrested this time she will have to go for six months or more.

Why harp on adoption when it clearly was not the choice she made! Kind of silly to preach after the fact, kind of like preaching that these should've used protection, ya know?????

Since you are already in this vulnerable situation, you might fight for supervised visitation. You will of course have to present evidence as to why that is the best option for child. But as Boniebb implied, you can't turn back now that you've started the paternity/child support/visitation ball rolling. Good luck.

WOW! Whaddamess!<p>If it were me I would move far, far, far away from these people if possible. I would make whatever career changed necessary to care for this child without the help of the father and I would avoid court at all costs.<p>An ideal situation would be for you to have no contact with him/them and for them to have none with you. I'm sorry but no suidical person can visit my baby!!! He needs to work that out and call be back in a few years.<p>My situation is very different than your but the W in the picture had a nervous breakdown when she discovered that I was pregnant. Instead of sending my death threats she sent death threats to herself at work nad tried to make it look like I did it. O-K! It didn't work (she was sloppy), and it was clear that she sent them to herself, but good grief!<p>Remove yourself and your child from an insame situation and make a good life for yourself.<p>You sound pretty young. If I were you i'd get my resume together and get out of that work environment as well. What kind of career can you hope to have there if they know this much of your personal business. If nothing else it will cause them to question your judgement. Maybe they fired him, but you've got to know that they're looking at you sideways!<p>Update those skills, go back to school, lean on your friends, family and God and get yourself and you little girl out of that craziness.<p>Keep posting and good luck.
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