I'm a first time poster. I'm amazed at how many of us share the same stories, feelings, pain etc. I see I'm not alone. Here's my story: I'm not married, I've been involved w/the same person for going on nine years, the oc will be five soon. After finding out about the OC when she was 4 mos, I decided to stay w/my boyfried after some time. Our agreement was he wouldn't be involved. He pays a a lot in support for the oc. I also have an 11yr old SS which we will finally tell him of the OC this weekend, and we have a 22 mos old. We've ignored talking about the OC this far. My boyfriend doesn't want marriage nor any other children. When I decided to stay in the relationship, I thought I would be getting these things. I finally realized that not getting these things are stemming from his guilt of not having to do with the oc. The oc is also mentally delayed. <p>Is everyone's stories this long? Bottom line, we've finally opened up and admitted that we can no longer avoid the situation. But, does that mean that I have to accept her coming to the house? I can maybe accept her visiting her. Meanwhile I'm contemplating moving out(very soon) just so that he can think about things. Sort of a separation. But if I go back into the situation I may have to accept that I may never get married or have another baby. I love him very much. But loving him is going to mean giving up the things that I want.<p>Still confused

Well since you aren't even married, I think you should step aside and let him establish a relationship with his child and yes, coming to the house. I guess I find it hard to understand why you would accept his refusing to marry you, but you have a problem with his child. I'd insist on marriage before you go any further. Just my two cents. Good luck.

I guess I didn't make myself clear, we've been together for almost nine years, I don't think I said I refused to marry him. He doesn't want to get married nor have any more children. This is all stemming from the oc. I hope that me not being married doesn't validate my feelings or any other problems that I'm going through. It feels as though we are already married, except he doesn't feel the need to have a paper stating so, where as I do.

"I hope that me not being married doesn't validate my feelings or any other problems that I'm going through." <p>
2bitter,<p>No it doesn't matter that your not married we are here for support. You have a lot on your plate right now. Are you in any type of couseling? You have to decide if you want to invest anymore time with this man before you even try to involve OC. To me that's like adding fuel to the fire. You have to take care of your family first then decide
if you want to include OC in your life. You don't have to except OC coming to your house but do you trust your BF to go to exOW house to visit this child. Try to think about everything and the consequences before acting. Remember no one can tell you what to do becasue they are not in your shoes. Good luck and I hope everything works out.<p>Unsure<p>P.S. I'm sorry I couldn't offer a lot more advice but I hope I have given you some thigs to think about.

2bitter,<p>No way is the hurt you feel any diffrent for you then anyone else. Me and my now h were not married either when this happened.<p>We got married after he told me he cheated but before I knew about oc little something he was hoping would go awy. We had planned on getting married before our little girl started school.I figured if I was going to stick it out knowing that he cheated then I'm going to be married. <p>No way should you have to step aside and allow anything that you are not comfortabe with. There are alot of wonderful people here to help you with this. Unfortualty theres always one bad apple in the bunch ya know. Hang in there dont be afraid to say what you feel.<p> with love flowerseed<p>[ November 30, 2001: Message edited by: flowerseed ]</p>

Just an FYI.....<p>You most likely have what is called a common law marriage. The length of time you have to be living together can vary from 6 months to 7 years. If you meet the criteria, then you receive the same benefits as a spouse i.e. Social Security benefits, medical coverage as a spouse, etc.