It's been about 3 1/2 weeks since D-Day. I must say I feel I am dealing with this very well considering the OC will be 5 tomorrow and I just found out about the A and her! I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. Tomorrow is her birthday and I know my H feels like he needs to acknowledge that. I guess he usually called on her birthday and twice gave money to the OW to get her a present. The OC doesn't know that my H is her father. He stops in occasionally (3-4 times a year) just to check on her. I am not comfortable yet with having contact with her and I really don't want my H to either. What should I do?<p>Also, my H is so filled with guilt and shame that he can't even talk about this situation. I suggested counseling (especially for his guilt), but he's not comfortable talking to anyone. Anyway, today he told me he would do anything I needed so that I would be able to deal with this better. I again brought up counseling, he refused, I said I thought it was very little to ask considering the circumstances. He got upset and left to go back to work.<p>It seems like I need to talk about it constantly to get it out of my system and he can't talk about it at all anymore. I guess he thinks it's like beating a dead horse. It's definitely a no-win situation. I feel like I'm just hurting him by twisting the knife every time I bring it up. Maybe we aren't going to be able to work this out together....we just keep doing and saying all the wrong things.<p>Please help with any advice you may have. I feel like I need to go away somewhere until I know what I want, but I know that I will not be happy without my H!!!<p>Thanks for your support!

Oh Mariachimom,<p>You have just described EXACTLY what was going on in my house just after d-day.<p>And I think it's typical that the H doesn't want to talk about it anymore and we, the sore wounded wives need to "get it all out". <p>I know for a fact I could have discussed what happened, why it happened, where it happened, etc. for hours on end. I wanted to spew my emotions and thoughts and I wanted to know every minute detail.<p>One reason I wanted to know EVERYTHING is I didn't want her to ever ever have anything over my head or to every catch me off guard. I didn't want to ever feel out of control in her presence and the only way I knew how to do that is with knowledge.<p>And trust me,,, she tried many times. She used to drop little things every once in a while and I'd always say, "yeah, H told me about that." then I'd add something else that she would think I didn't know to prove he told it all. After a while she just gave up.<p>One thing one of the oldies said to me when I was a newbie was that our husbands are ashamed and embarassed when they are truely remorseful. It pains them to even think about what they've done to us and our lives. Every mention of it to them is painful.<p>And you know as well as I do that those marathon coversations we like to have, end up with us in tears. That just adds fuel to their guilt fire.<p>They need a recovery time too. They need time to come to grips with what they've done and to most importantly, forgive themselves.<p>I remember another poster once saying that they hated that they had to be the stronger one and have to worry about how WS was feeling when they were the ones that got shytted on. I remember agreeing, but knowing deep inside that punishment was not my job, but God's. And that my H would never be the loving carefree comfortable man in our relationship if he wasn't allowed to heal.<p>And I too knew that I needed to vent.... and often. That's where these boards came into play in my healing. Here I could yell, shout and scream, all the while with wonderful people to comfort me and give me encouragement.<p>Another post I remember was from a woman who wanted to get it all out of her non-talking husband. So she made a date with him where they went away for the night and talked about it all. She was allowed to ask anything and he promised to answer truthfully. BUT, after that night they were no longer to talk about the horrid details of the affair. <p>I can only imagine how relieved my husband would have been if I he knew I wouldn't be bringing "it" up every day.<p>I know it's hard, but you are going to have to create an enviornment for him to heal too. Something that works for both of you. I know it sounds crazy, but you have to think about his needs too. <p>Hope some of this helps,
Z.

zebra,
I love the idea of a night away to discuss all the gory details. For me, though, I would forget something really important and need to ask something later. Maybe you could pick time each week that you could ask a question. Or you could write down every question, comment, concern, but dont give it to h right away. Go back at another time and rewrite those things that are still on your mind in a letter to him. I find that I can get my message across better and tend to be gentler in the presentation in a letter than when my mouth is open. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
Fortunately, my h has allowed me to ask anything I need to most of the time. There have been times when he doesnt want to "hear it" and I try to respect that.
Good luck and just know that this is fresh for both of you even though he has known for so long. I cant imagine keeping it a secret so long. Not condoning that, but your h must be feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for keeping the secret and maybe some relief that it is finally out.

Thanks for the replies! Yes, that is exactly how it is, I want to know EVERYTHING! And H has been great about letting me ask and then answering truthfully and completely. He even holds me while I cry. I try to be sensitive to him but I do get tired of being the strong one. He hasn't even begun to think about forgiving himself and says he probably never will. That's why I think counseling would help him. He also says that he understands my need to know and that I am suffering, but he has been suffering in silence for so long. I'm not sure he even knows how to begin to work through this.<p>Thank you so much for being there. It really does help to know that others have gone through this and lived to have better lives! I just keep praying for God to touch him and to let him know that He still loves him and wants to forgive him. <p>Mariachimom

Zebrababy, <p>I appreciate your ability to be so articulate! My posts tend to just babble on!<p>I really needed to read your post. It has been almost 6 months now (feels like a lifetime) and I still flip out every now and then. I have never wanted to know all the gory details, but I did want to know why and where. I just learned last night that it wasn't just a 1-2 night stand, but flirting times before that.<p>mariachimom,<p>I feel that my husband is truly remorseful. He has seen the depth's of my sadness and has been there for me. I did not find out until almost 4 years later, the child just turned 3 when I found out. I think that I can safely say that I know somewhat how you feel!<p>My husband was willing to do anything to be able to stay, including counseling. We only went 3 times because it was free and I think that it was SOOO helpful! Not only for me, but for my husband.<p>I think that the counselor made my husband feel like he wasn't the evil man that he (and I at the time) thought that he was. She made me realize how and why a man might not seem to care that they have a child out there. (my husband wasn't around for the prenancy,dr.appt's, birth, changing diapers, etc. and there just was never any form of attachment) My husband told me that he woke up practically every day hating himself. I love him. I don't want him to feel like that.<p>I think that it would do him a world of good. I pray that he changes his mind.<p>I think that I do need to give my husband a bit of a break. Allow him to heal and to forgive himself. Thanks for your stories.....<p>love and light,