I have a new lovely "look" to my hallway wall right now.<p>It started when we were coming home from wal-mart with four kids screaming and crying in the car. *sigh*<p>I asked H about when he was going to write his no contact letter (we haven't done it yet, H is ruled by fear that we would piss OW off and then she would screw us over) He has another chance to write a no contact letter (even after telling OW in our atty's office for her to never call or breathe his way again)because we need to send her the OC's insurance card. <p>I feel strongly about this letter as to me, it shows OW that my H cares about me and that I matter to him. She called me, said what she wanted and basically did everything she could to piss me off and hurt me. I kept my mouth shut (it was an act of God). After she called, she called H's work, called the house until I changed our phone numbers. The final straw after d-day was when she wrote a note addressed to H and me.
I wrote one back to her telling her to stop threatening court to us as she is going as I am filing. The harrassment stops.<p>My H had a few opportunities then to tell her, (in front of me) that she is wasting her time.<p>SO, flash forward to today...I asked about the no contact letter (which he agreed to write after reading Dr. Harley's chapter on that in the book, "surviving an affair"). I asked if he was going to write about certain things and he hit the roof!<p>We got in the house and he got mad. All I was asking if I mattered to him. Why is he so afraid of OW? I got mad and accused him of not wanting to burn his bridges with her(sorta like keep her in his back pocket just in case it doesn't work out...) he denied it. <p>The worse part is I know that isn't the case but I want to know that I matter to him and I want OW to know that I matter to him. I don't want to pick a fight with OW, but it's like Catnip wrote in a post a few posts back, I can work out my deal with my H, with the OW, I can't see her, hit her or spit on her. I can't tell her what I think of her or anything. I don't even know what that tramp looks like. But all I know of her, my H told me about her before we married. <p>I am so mad. We don't have the skills to fix the holes so we have to get someone to do it and it costs $$$.<p>I want the tramp to pay for my missing two years of my life racking my brains trying to figure out what the hell was going wrong with my marriage.<p>I want that tramp to pay for stealing what was supposed to me mine. Yet again, my H is a big boy and should have thought things through.<p>I am tired of this. H and I were doing so well for a few weeks. I thought that we were getting somewhere.<p>What really kills me is for all the "wonderful, soul mate kind of relationship" that we do have was pissed to the wind by my H for a few minutes of pleasure. (Spanking the monkey would have been cleaner and safer too.) <p>I am really angry. Today I don't see any hope. Today H decides he's going to add to our swiss cheese decor and scare the pee out of my 7 month old son. Then he decides he's going to "withdraw" and ignore me. I hate that crap. This "withdraw" and ignore stuff. I can almost leave him for that.
Then we'll see how much money he can live on after I am done with him in court. But I love him. I have known him for 16 years. Almost 17. I finish his sentences, and he mine. I know instinctively when he's fixing to put my finger up his nose (an old joke) and he feigns innocence.<p>I get him something to drink before he asks for it and he's always surprised that I knew what he wanted before he asked for it.<p>He has his faults. I have mine. But I still love the guy and am trying with all my heart to understand what happened that he would forsake me for those few minutes of pleasure. We lacked nothing in our relationship...not even in the marriage bed.<p>well, I am rambling...trying to figure out something that may never make sense. I believe I read in a post a while back (forgot who wrote it) that we should just give to God the things that never will make sense and try to move on.<p>I am trying to move on. But this resentment issue is a hard one to step over. I have a daily, if not monthly reminder of the pain of being rejected. I want to know that I belonged to him. I want to know that I matter. <p>Thanks for listening...it's hard to believe that things can be better. Maybe this is just the stress of the holidays getting to me. Luckily I have all my shopping done. I put things away all year...never did that before...maybe the Lord was preparing me for this in advance without my knowing it.<p>Praying for y'all even as I am feeling sorry for myself,
Hugs,
Twiisty [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Twiisty,<p>I'm soooo sorry I missed you online tonight. I was walking the dog and chatting with the neighbors.<p>Oh honey, I remember so vividly how you are feeling right now. That feeling of wanting him to prove his love to you. And boy did he try but nothing was good enough. It seemed like the more he did the more I wanted.<p>Gosh, I really have no sure fire way to get past that hump. It just seemed to lift one day. We prayed together heavily. Really released it to God. I saw tears in his eyes as he begged God to show us the way. I think that day I realized he was sincere. I stopped having expectations on how he should show his love, how he should prove his love. I stopped testing his love with question after question.<p>And miraculously he began to do more and say more to show his dedication and love.<p>When I stopped demanding he started performing.<p>I remember before we got to that point, him saying to me, "Z, isn't staying with you proof enough that I love you?" At the time I didn't think so. But now I know that our struggle isn't an easy one and that he choses to fight this fight with me and work on us, is in fact THE dedication to our love and marriage.<p>Honey you might have top stop looking for signs of love and just recognize them when they come your way. You know a watched pot never boils.<p>Be conscious of the questions you are asking and think about whether or not they are love busters. Sometimes things we think are harmless only trigger someone else. Your questions about the no contact letter could be in fact triggers for him.<p>Wishing you the best,
Z.

Twiisty,
The feelings you are having are normal...feel better? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I know, I know, so what. You have to remember that this is still recovery. It is like grieving. You go through stages and sometimes those stages even repeat themselves. The feelings often hit when you least expect them to and, of course, at the most inconvenient times.
The resentment is the hardest for me too.
I find that I want to say, "Well at least I was faithful" everytime he tries to call me on something. I often feel, but dont say that, whatever he is frustrated about regarding me is mere pittance(sp?) to what I, I, I must put up with. I am the saint...I am the moral one...I should get a medal.
However, I also chose this. I chose to stay and try. I chose to deal with all of the feelings, with the man who caused these feelings and, LORD, do I know his faults.
It does lessen. I know I have asked you this before, but are you all in counseling. We did that very briefly. It helped alot at the time.
As a matter of fact, I was thinking about returning. More for my peace of mind than anything else. But right now, we cant afford it...CS payments...among other things.
I also understand what you are saying about standing up to the exOW. It torks my chain that h will stand up to me every day of the week, but not to this woman who apparently means nothing to him. Yea, I believe in dont rock the boat, but do you have to help her row?
I hope that it helps just a smidgen to know that you are not alone in these feelings and this too shall pass. t4sainthood...am I there yet?

Twiisty,
Oh girl! I have to tell you that we all have been where you are.
I never asked for a "no contact" letter. Hell, I was ready to give one to H!<p>Zebrababy and Tryin (BTW, Tryin, yea you have made it!) said it all to well.<p>Nothing, I meannothing H said was good enough. I thought why the heck is he sticking up for ow? I remember asking him if he hated her? He paused....then I asked again....he said "NO". I went crazy....threw him out of our house threatening to call 911 and lie and say he hit me. (he didn't want to leave}<p>He was gone for 6 weeks.<p>In the meanwhile, I prayed, I went out with friends (he got feedback), worked longer hours, generally began a life w/o him. <p>He moved home one day while I was at work. Said he wasn't going anywhere and if I didn't love or want him I would have to divorce him.<p>I did love and want him. I was afraid to let go. I still kept appointment w/lawyer to "set up" divorce.<p>From that day on things got better and better.
I remember being "Allowed" to call ow and tell her to stay away from H. She had followed his truck that afternoon but H wasn't driving. A friend was and he came home and told us how she turned down a side street and pulled over thinking H would pull over.<p>That was a small piece of revenge because ow called back swearing at me and H took phone and said some things that gave me satisfaction. She was yelling at him saying what a good woman she was and how good she was in car (I say car cuz they used her backseat [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) H said he was sorry he ever met her but that his beautiful wife was the good woman for ever taking back someone who destroyed her heart...said lots more that made me want to be a cheerleader with pom-poms and cheer for the "revenge" team all night. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What I am saying Twiisty is when the change happens you'll feel it and become one again in every sense of the word.<p>Prayers to you sweetie.<p>You're doing great. The blabbing on and on goes with what we, as humans, can not tolerate any longer.<p>I hope you're better today.
love
Debi

Gem said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I remember asking him if he hated her? He paused....then I asked again....he said "NO". I went crazy.... <hr></blockquote><p>Oh yeah....did that one too...asked him if he hated her and he ho-hummed and told me that he doesn't hate anybody and then proceeds to tell me about someone he arrests on a frequent basis (a dope dealer) and how he "hates" him.....arrrrrggggghhh makes my blood boil!!!!<p>But he did tell me that he viewed her as an enemy that stood between him and his family. That kinda calmed me down a bit. But I guess it's what the good Lord said, "love your enemies" in my case, my H took it one step further... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>LOL..at least I can joke about that. I am just going nuts...pms'ing...kids....especially my eldest right now...the cooler weather is making her "frisky" meds or no meds....<p>I had to laugh when you wrote that because you wrote exactly what I asked....I just can't figure it out at times.<p>Thanks for replying and thinking of me...
Hugs,
Twiisty

twisty, patching your wall is not that hard. here's what you need to do. get a piece of drywall that matches the thickness of your wall (1/2" or 5/8"). use a razor blade knife and cut a piece of d/w slightly larger then the hole in wall ( ex.-4"x6"). cover hole and trace edges with pencil. use knife and cut along pencil line. take a small piece of wood slightly longer than new hole (approx. 12"). place on inside of hole so ends extend a little above and below or overlap sides of hole (which ever way wood fits best. wood does not have to completely cover hole). hold wood so it does not fall into wall cavity and put 2-3 d/w screws in each end . now place your cut patch over wood and attach with d/w screws. you are now ready to finish. place a piece of d/w web or mesh tape over all cracks. buy a small bucket (1 gal) of joint compound and spread over entire patch. don't apply compound to thick (several thin layers are better then one thick layer). it may take 2-3 layers. allow each layer to dry and sand lightly (especially the edges). make sure you spread mud (compound) about 10 inches wider then patch on each side. now buy a can of spray texture and match if needed. total cost tools and materials should be less then $40. all supplies can be found at a typical hardware store such as home depot. d/w - $4, knife - $4, mesh tape - $3, joint compound - $6, texture - $8 and plastic mud pan and 10" d/w trowel -$15. good luck and if you have any questions feel free to ask. pops

Thanks Pops....will try....I am learning how to repair alot of things lately...I will print your post out so I can try it...I'll start with the smaller ones first! Will let you know how it turns out!<p>Not really mechanically inclined...LOL!,
Twiisty
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Zebrababy...thank you for sharing the words below. I keep thinking that he's gonna have to prove to me forever that he loves me, but how will he do that??? Just as you stated below! Thanks!<p>***I remember before we got to that point, him saying to me, "Z, isn't staying with you proof enough that I love you?" At the time I didn't think so. But now I know that our struggle isn't an easy one and that he choses to fight this fight with me and work on us, is in fact THE dedication to our love and marriage.<p>Honey you might have top stop looking for signs of love and just recognize them when they come your way. You know a watched pot never boils.***

Twiisty,
Hey Sweetie, you just keep hanging in there. I am really discouraged and disappointed in my h right now so it is hard for me to encourge you the way i should. But like somebody else said earlier, whatever they (h) say is not going to be good enough. Even though my h tells me he loves me and misses me, unless there is action to prove it, it means nothing to me, especially while trying to deal with so much pain. It is hard when they unintentionally defend these ow because anything that doesn't agree with what we say or think automatically triggers the feelings that they are defending or siding with ow. <p>Like lastnight my h says, "tonight i had to deal with some punk, ghetto women who started mouthing off to me"...i guess it got out of hand from what my h told me. Well, so then i said, "yea, sounds like someone we know, huh?" (meaning ow), then he says, "no, the attitude was different with these other girls"... all i wanted to hear was that these loser women who he was dealing with at work fit in the same category as the psycho ow, and all i really wanted to hear was him agree with me that she too (ow) was "ghetto", but he said "no..." So then we get into a big fight, i say, "why do you defend her?" and he says that he is not. Blah blah blah...<p>I don't know, Twist, i just am growing tired of trying so hard at something that seems more important to me than him. <p>God bless your family. God is still good, He is faithful, there is hope - and that's a promise...which is more than your h or the world could ever give you. <p>Julia

Julia,
The only reason that I can come up with in our H's case is that if they admit that the OW's are "punk ghettos" or "trash" or whatever, then it must make them admit that they were "intimate" with such things. That is probably why they won't call them such names, I suppose. (Although we can come up with a few adjectives in our vocabulary not only for the OW's but also for our idiot husbands who chose to do the deed with them!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] !)<p>That is probably why they can't say anything really. Who wants to admit they never liked or hated the OW???(and the fact that they screwed someone they didn't "really like") In my case there is a weird story behind mine. But still....he hates to admit that he even did it now. The CS Payments will remind him.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*<p>Incidentally, we are "cautiously optimistic" right now, word through grapevine is the OW is engaged...I hope they really have a happy marriage.<p>I told my H that I will stalk OW's hubby, get pg by him and we all can be even steven....*evil chuckle* Just kidding...we just want her to get on with life.<p>What I will never understand is that she spent up until 7 months ago making my H's life hell and then mine hell trying to make H a part of her life and deliberately get pg, then when I send her a letter telling her that I ain't going no where, I file in court, surprise her butt ( because taking H to court has been preying on his fear and I showed her no fear!), she decides to drop him like a hot potatoe and gets engaged? Am I missing something here? I am glad she's engaged, but what was all this hell for then???
Must have been one hell of a case of sour grapes on her part when she realized that H loves me and I wasn't going to budge and he signed away his rights to the OC (as much as he can under law).<p>I will never undrstand this...*sigh*<p>Hugs,
Twiisty [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Tinlizzy,<p>thanks for recognizing what I was trying to say.<p>I can't even describe the incredible result of letting go of "baggage". It's like the burden is lifted.<p>Our expectations of what it should be like often cloud what is growing. Sometimes we suffocate the bloom with too much of our muck. I know I did.<p>Listen to what they are saying... our husbands are trying to love us the best way they can ... while at the same time healing and forgiving themselves.<p>Nurture that part of him and you'll see it blossom.<p>Good marriages come from an enviornment created by the couple. Often us wives have to jumpstart that enviornment. Eventually our husbands follow suit. <p>I wish I knew back then what made my husband comfortable. We would have had a relationship that is open, honest and sutable for communication and perhaps avoided this whole mess. I wish I would have know his needs then. But I do now... and it makes us better.<p>
z.

Overcoming Resentment by Dr.Harley<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

BTDT,
I have read that and it made me understand some things, thanks for sharing it with me! I wish there was a more in-depth article on dealing with the resentment of CS. OR ways of accepting it. It takes time and I don't begrudge the child the money, it's my H's fault, as well as the mother's and I am trying to deal with that.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Zebrababy, <p>You have it!!! Thank you, thank you!!! <p>Dh bought me a tennis bracelet to show me that he loves me. Well, it was nice and all, but, well...it's a bracelet...a thing.<p>Today he came home for lunch and ended up cooking the boys lunch as well. Now *that* is progress!!! He received two free turkey's for a Christmas deal at work and he gave one to his buddy. Now that is HUGE for him! He makes a sandwich and asks me if I want one. He doesn't always try to 'one up me' on who's more tired or who's worked the hardest. HE IS BLOOMING!!!!! <p>Thanks for being here.....
love and light,

Hey Twiisty,
Just wanted to let you know that i am thinking about you and i grieve for you. I am glad that we share something in common - h's being cops and of course the nightmare. If God sees to it to reconcile my marriage, i will be able to share with you my feelings regarding cs. All i know right now is that I am not looking forward to the day it begins (in April). <p>About our h's defending the ow. I am just tired of their insensitivity. And i know and understand that they are built, physiologically, different than women, but my patience is depleted. <p>My h is here with me right now in ca. He got in this morning. He is taking a nap- he worked dogwatch all night so he is tired. Lastnight on the phone with him, he basically told me that he is NOT considering moving to CA, so we fought and asked him why he is even coming here still then? To visit? I was mad and called him some choice names. This is a never-ending battle and i am afraid i am throwing in thw towel pretty soon here. <p>Sorry for babbling on your thread.
Peace,
J

I read this scripture today on my calendar and thought of BSs dealing with CS issues:<p>"Will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night?...He will see that they get justice, and quickly." (Luke 18:7,8)<p>I think the main thing is to trust God to meet your every need. I pray that God will meet your need over and above CS amount. Keep the faith!

Bintheredunthat,
Thanks! Your faith is encouraging to me, thanks for holding us up!<p>Hugs,
Twiisty<p>I am doing much better. I believe that God will care for ALL of our needs, OC's and our's. Have a great day! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

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