Dear folks: I am finally taking the jump and posting to you. Dday was an anonymous phone call on Leap Year Day, Feb 29th 2000, saying "I just thought you should know your husband and his girlfriend are having a child very soon."<p>This revelation came 8 months after a very hard revelation to him of my own infidelity (I used a sperm donor to try to get pregnant with at-home inseminations, no sex --- I know, amazing!!) and separate on-and off EA (also not ever physical) with OM. DH also had another affair for almost the entire previous year (1998), and was using things like "adultfriendfinder" and other porn sites. <p>Judging from her EXTREMELY hateful emails to me, it's clear that sadly, DH told many stories to this person about the marriage and she was gullible enough to believe his lies. Why it never occurs to OW that a man living a lie should be capable of lying to her as well is a puzzle... Anyway, she fell for him hook, line and sinker, despite him being 20 years her senior (she never knew her father, hmmmmm.)..... I think she believed that he was going to leave me to be with her, somehting I know would never happen, and it sickens me that he could use some poor needy young woman that way!!! He was truly lost in a fog for a long time. It took my asking him to decide whether he wanted to work on the marriage (meaning ceasing contact with her totally) to wake him up even a little, and after maintaining his word for several months, after she came back to work he had many small slips back into caretaking and trying to "fix" things for her.
He again began to be dishonest with me. He didn't go to see her or begin the affair, he just tried to be her confidante/friend again. Of course, I knew perfectly well that this type of contact would lead her back to square 1. So it did.<p> Obviously, we were in a terrible mess together.
The child issue is so karmic because he had a reversal of his vasectomy after our marriage essentially for me, and after I'd had two miscarriages, he changed his mind. This was a huge source of conflict and pain for us both, and we were so polarized, living essentially an emotional divorce. KARMA: He truly didn't want a child anymore; so much that he went out and made one with somebody he barely knew---this completely paralleled his first experience in his 20's. Astoundingly, his Ex (a terrific lady) is named Jenny, and his 23yr old son is Jaret. The EOW is Jennifer, and she had the gall to name her son Jaren. How's that for the wakeup call of the century---FOR BOTH OF US? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wish so much that I'd found this site during 2000. It's been a long and bumpy road. EOW STILL works with DH; DH was dishonest/avoiding revealing contact/conversations with EOW until JUNE of 2001(thankfully, just BEFORE I discovered I was finally amazingly pregnant at 43 after tons of infertility treatments and totally giving up)... <p>OW gave birth in April of 2000. OC is about 18 months now. So far, DH's name is not on birth certificate, and there has been no request for paternity or CS. Dh and I went to attorney and he advised us to do nothing. DH wants NO CONTACT with OW/OC; I feel strange about this but am actually sort of relieved. My only fear is that he'll change his mind and be dishonest yet again---I'm not sure I could even survive that. As long as he's honest with me about his wishes and feelings, I can handle almost anything.<p>DH is a good man, he's worked extremely hard to make things up to me and earn my trust again. However, he has continued to "take care" of this EOW in what he believes to be innocuous ways (listening to her talk about her current (now ended) relationship, her problems, and even sharing details about me again!! He has lied by omission "so as to avoid hurting me"... I have been guilty of many, many lovebusters over a long time. Luckily for me, I had finally just had it at exactly the same time he realized that he could not fix anyting or make anything better by trying to help this person. He voluntarily spoke with his supervisor, the Ceo, and her supervisor and essentially made it impossible for her to come into his office or speak with him in any form about personal matters in the workplace. His own supervisor had him sign a similar NO CONTACT agreement; I'm happy about it because it has provided me with knowledget that there is closure of the intimacy there.<p>I love him and am committed to working on rebuilding the marriage, especially now that DH has made it impossible for EOW to contact him personally in any way without my knowledge and consent. <p>As for OC, I don't know. She has never wanted support because she won't cope with the reality of me in any way. She got engaged to her OB doctor and he was willing to adopt OC; things apparently went sour and they broke up. DAMN. She asked at one point for DH to sign away all paternal rights but he doesn't have to because paternity has never been established.<p>After her breakup, she again began riding DH, asking him to spend time with her and OC. This is NOT for OC: this is HER agenda. If she was concerned about her son knowing DH, she would comply with DH's repeated requests as to how contact would be okay with him. Finally, he got so sick of this that he blew the whistle at work. <p>I don't know if she knows that I'm pregnant or what she will do now. <p>I guess my trouble is this: I am still feeling lingering resentment at this contact dragging on for so long, and I feel unsafe now at 7 months pregnant with our own dear child. I am NOT feeling happy that EOW will be extremely hurt that DH has chosen to father and be with our son and not hers. I am very sad about that.<p>And advice would be welcome. Please be kind to me, however, these revelations are extremely hard to make.<p>love
Liisa