I thought I was going to completely lick this thing. I have a lot of crap going on in my life right now. I thought I moved on and left the pain of betrayal behind me. This weekend I relived over and over in my mind the day OC was born. My H and I were up playing with the baby, my D was 5 days from turning 9 months. H got a call on his cell phone from a number he didn't recognize he handed the phone to me. The caller hung up I redialed the number it was the hospital. I looked at H and said do you think it was exOW maybe she's having her baby. He said probably a half hour later he received another call I gave H the phone it was exOW friend she told him exOW was inn labor and asked him if he was coming to the hospital. H said No and hung up. I felt crazy inside, this was 3 months exactly after D-day. I told H I was going for a ride I ended up at a park crying and going crazy until 5 A.M. in the morning. My sister was leaving a nightclub and saw me. She stayed with me, crying with me and hugging me. When I got home H said he was sorry but he was hurting too, that his child might have been born. (He apoligized later) I told him we agreed you wouldn't go to the hospital for the birth. When he was begging me to take him back I asked him if he planned on attending the birth he said no. He wasn't sure if OC was his, I then said I gave birth to three of your children and I know the only reason the fathers are there is to comfort the mother so I can't deal with that. <p>I'm sorry I'm rambling but I can't share this with anyone right now and I need to get this off of my chest. I went out Friday night with my sister we talked a little bit and drunk a lot. (I know I was wrong and shouldn't try to drink my problems away but I did) Anyway these guys came over and tried to come on to us brought drinks etc..... My mind set was messed up and I realize I was so vulnerable at that moment. I needed to feel beautiful and that's what these guys were telling my sister and me. (We look like twins) I also realized these guys were just trying to get in our panties. I told them I was married when they walked over one of them used to date my cousin and came over saying hey don't I know you. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Anyway I stay out of the conversation and let my sister do the talking. I was turned off by the fact that it didn't matter that I was married and later found out one of them was married and he supposedly loved his wife but was willing to screw my sister if she would let him. Thank God she has the no married men rule. I was literally getting sick at looking at this guy. Anyway I wondered if it was two good looking single guys would I have stayed and flirted I truly really wanted to attract someone else just to prove I can get someone else and I don't know what I'm trying to say.......<p>I went out last night and got drunk again so I'm typing this with a hangover and a heavy heart. I'm not going to let this beat me I'm leaving it behind me but it's hard right now we have to go to court again! exOW filed a motion of contempt on H CS order and the visitation order. This chick has no life and I'm sick of dealing with her antics. At first I felt like all my anger should be directed to my H (He's the one I dedicated my life to not exOW) now I understand why there is so much anger directed at exOW's. We have to get a lawyer I called this morning we have to come up with $1500 retainer. My mortgage is due this week where we are going to come up with that type of money I don't NO! The state CS enforcement department said H is in compliance and the contempt motions should not have been filed against him. They said they would mail him all the documents he needed to prove this was a bogus motions filed. <p>I'm also pissed because H has to take a day off from work, taking money out of me and children pockets and exOW get her CS weekly no matter how many hours my H works. I think she doing this because H doesn't have contact. She doesn't wants OC around me and H doesn't want the supervised visitation at her mom's house unless I'm included that's his choice. I can care less right now and I know it wrong for me to feel this way since OC is innocent. But her mother should be the one to have answer her child questions when she's wondering why she doesn't have a father. I'm going to shut up I'm sorry this is long but I'm battling with myself to put on a strong face and pretend I'm not hurting inside or to vent with you guys who will understand where I'm coming from. Should I tell H or will that just set us back. I know he's hurting he wanted to send OC a B-Day gift I told him to do whatever he wanted and asked him how he was going to give it to her. He said he would mail it to her mother's house. He didn't and I didn't push him it's his choice again I can care less. They are still going to do the modification I'm hoping and praying it goes down since exOW is working again. Thank you all if you got to the bottom of this long rambling post. Any support you can offer is needed.<p>Unsure

Hello,
I really don't have any advice just support. I am new at this. OC is only 1 1/2 months old.<p>Dawn

Thanks Dawn! Sometimes support is all you need.<p>Unsure

Unsure,<p>I'm kinda new in this department too, but vent away!!! All I can do is send you a (((hug))) and let you know that I am praying for you.<p>I am sure the holidays always bring out the bittersweet memories. It did for me when I went through my divorce with first hubby (due to infidelity, but no OC that I know of!)<p>Just when the sting of the holidays eased over time, I got handed another *BOOM*...I'm surprised I am doing as well as I am, but I have my moments.<p>I am hoping that your week starts off on a better note. Please keep us posted!<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Thanks Twiisty. I'm feeling a lot better. My brothers GF just left her she told me exOW told her best friend H is a dead beat father how he hasn't seen OC since she was born etc..... I asked my brother GF to ask her did she know my H was married, Did she hid the pregnancy until it was too late to terminate it, does she not want OC around me and has she attack me at every angle because my H is not with her? <p>I can't beleive the nerve of this woman. I can't wait to see her in court on the 2Oth to see what lie she makes up. This time we will have a lawyer H is going to have to sell some of his stock which is part of my children college money. But I'm sick and tired of going back and forth to court.<p>Thanks for the hug I needed it. After all this crap I'm coming down with the flu!<p>Unsure

Unsure,<p>A great big hug going out to you right now. I know it's tough. I coming up on 1 year from d-day and i'm scared shytless that i'll fall under.<p>But H has been extra special these last few days... I think he knows I need it.<p>I did think of a sugesstion for H's guilt over sending/not sending a gift.<p>Why don't you start a journal that you take some time to write letters to OC. You could tell him about what's going on with OW and how she's made it difficult to incorporate OC into your lives. And plan on writing in the journal every holiday and birthday so that when he's an adult you can give him the journal to prove how you thought of him each and every holiday/occassion. <p>I think that would be more precious than an Elmo game he won't remember 6 months from the day you gave it to him.<p>I hope you are feeling stronger and better today.<p>Z.

Hi Unsure,<p>I just wanted to lend my support. I hope you are feeling better. So sorry for all you are going through.<p>I think Z has a great idea. Wish I had the energy to do it myself. I guess the best I can do to let oc know what is going on is to keep all these psyco emails from her psyco mother. That way I am not telling her what a wench her mom is, she can see it herself....course shell probably end up so brainwashed it wont matter. Oh well.<p>Love
bw

Hi Unsure,
I CAN SOOO RELATE. Thank you for "rambling" as you put it. I feel all of those things. I hope you gain some strength or at least some insight from your court experience.....I'll be with you at least in spirit!
This sucks so bad........

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Why don't you start a journal that you take some time to write letters to OC. You could tell him about what's going on with OW and how she's made it difficult to incorporate OC into your lives. And plan on writing in the journal every holiday and birthday so that when he's an adult you can give him the journal to prove how you thought of him each and every holiday/occassion. <p> <hr></blockquote><p>This is exactly what we are doing. We just mailed off a no contact letter to OW, but we also told OC not to look for us (due to how her mother is) but we will be writing in a journal about everything and the holidays, birthdays etc...<p>When we sent out the insurance papers and insurance card to OW we included H's medical history to cut down on the worry and fear of unknown for OC as well as some tips from my adopted friends, we put down average height of males/females in family etc. so that she will know some things about herself and her biological sperm donor.<p>In our case, my H doesn't feel a thing, I'm the one that frets and prays for OC. <p>Hope you are feeling better today, Unsure...
Hugs,
Twiisty

Thanks for your support guys! I'm feeling better mentally today. I got through the day and night. Health wise I have the flu I'm sick as heck I went to bed early yesterday. I still came to work since I have to take two days off next week. (CS Modification and court) <p>Z- I'm going to buy a nice journal and keep it in a box. I'm going to take your advice, I have my own personal journal but this one I'll create just for OC and share it with H so he can write in it whenever he wants. <p>Although I didn't discuss my feeling with H he was the model H last night, said dinner was perfect and very sweet and understanding. He kept the baby preoccupied while I slept. <p>Again THANK YOU all Z, BW, Msclyde and Twiisty your suppport was needed. <p>Unsure <p>P.S. I'll let you guys know how CS hearing and Court goes.<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Please do let us know how court goes. What are the dates again? I will put them on my calander and pray for you then.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Aw Unsure your story made me remember all the pain of my d-day. I think I'll be ok w/oc birthday. I WASN'T ok day he was born! I cried as if it were happening all over. I questioned God at allowing this to happen to me and what did I do so wrong to have this horrific type of pain.<p>It took time but I'm better now.<p>That shock will never go away completely.<p>I just don't dwell on it.<p>I TRY/w God's help to live each day w/o turning back to peek into the painful past. It's better that way for me.<p>I hope you're doing better.<p>The college fund sell-off make me sick!!!!<p>Prayers.
love
Debi

Darn! I had this long reply typed and lost it. <p>Thank you all for your support again. <p>Debi, I'm feeling a lot better I had a lot on my plate and it all hit me at once. I'm going to keep my head up and move forward with my life. This was just a minor setback. Thursday I'll be poised ad calm in court. I have emptied a few of my personal accounts so I shouldn't have to touch the kid's college money. My babies have suffered enough because of this crap! <p>For the first time in a long time I'm working on dealing with my anger at exOW. I tried to blame my H for this since he's the one that got me into this and I dedicated myself to him not her. But she won't let up keeps attacking me at every angle. And I'm sick and tired of it. I can "finally" understand why there is so much hatred of exOW's.<p>
Tee<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

BW,
Just a quick comment to your reply about keeping e-mails from OW. I also have saved some rather scathing emails from my OW, and have made the same comment to H that I was keeping them to show OCs just what I have been putting up with also. <p>I know that I will eventually throw them away, as they really do not help me in my healing process, and I really wouldn't ocs to think that I am just an evil step-mother trying to cause problems. <p>Maybe it is the recovery stage that both you and I are in right now. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone in those feelings. <p>Tina

Tee happy to hear you're better today. As for e-mails...I've saved all letters, e-mails, police reports, every picture sent and taped phone calls. C will get to listen and read if he wishes someday. Then he'll know why we only have pictures from 1 visit.....a lot of pictures!!<p>It'll be up to him but h and I are not destroying them. Only if he gets testy (if he even comes) will these be offered. Maybe someday he'll have a wife and realize the pain h and his Mom caused another bunch of innocents, not only himself. His 1/2 siblings and their Father, grandmothers, aunts and uncles...tons more were hurt besides oc!<p>Pray to God that it never comes down to this, but we'll use it all if we have to, just to prove ,if anything, we tried.<p>BTW the c will not remain a c forever. I'm sick of hearing how sorry everyone feels for a c! Mom should have thought a little better about the outcome.
love
Debi<p>[ December 12, 2001: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</p>