Today is 1 month since my D-Day, If I think back I cant even believe that it has been a whole month. Of course as expected there have been alot of new revelations. Husband has met OW in January of this year instead of July. He has admited that he does love her but is not in love with her. He has decided that he wants to work on our marriage but from a distance, he says he wants to start all over like new and see how things will work out or if they will work out. There is still contact with the other woman,but not the way she wants it, only over the phone. Who knows I may be blind but..

Is the OW pregnant or does she have an OC with your husband?<p>Since your husband has been seeing this OW for nearly a year, don't expect things to get better between the two of you until he cuts off all contact with OW forever and completely. If his attentions are divided, you will not receive and your marriage will not receive the attention it needs to rebuild the marriage without outside interference.<p>With the OW still in the picture, with your husband still in contact, phoning her and seeing her (yes, he is probably still seeing her if he is jerking you around with all these games so he can have his cake and eat it too) you two will not be able to begin the healing process.<p>If there is an OC here or on the way, your husband might be torn as to where his responsiblities lie. Of course, his only obligation and responsibility is to you and the marriage. No one else...no one. <p>I hope there is no OC and that you just happened on the wrong site. And, I hope you read everything here on the MB site about the Harley principles and how you can apply them to your life so you can begin taking care of yourself. Right now you cannot trust one thing your husband says if there is still OW contact. Therefore, Harley's Plan A and then Plan B should be implemented, followed by the Rules of Honesty, Protection and a Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) should you two recommit to each other once and for all.<p>Absolutely, without question, there should NO CONTACT with the OW again under any circumstances...not by phone, in person, by Pony Express, fax, e-mail, carrier pigeon...nothing. If your husband is unwilling to comply, then begin to heal on your own and read, study and live the Harley principles to get yourself taken care of.<p>Since your D-day was just one month ago, everything is very new and raw...and devastatingly painful. You need to come to MB often to receive the guidance and care you desperately need after a shocking blow like this. Post your story and questions so the others can help you through this awful time in your life.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ December 11, 2001: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Actually, my story has been posted on here and everyone has been really wonderful and supportive. OW is 4 mo pregnant and my husband has decided to stay working on his marriage and not have a relationship with the OW. I can not stand the fact that she calls and he talks to her. I know I have to work on the trust issue but it is so damn hard. OW tells H that if things do not work out with us she will drop whoever she is with to be with my H. It really amazes me as to how much of an A!! she can be. She says that she was always there for him when he needed someone and now he does not want to be there for her. I tell him that is a bunch of BS and that she took advantage of the situation. If he told her all the problems and issues we had, she is not going to do anything at all to push him away. She says that I had my chance and now it is her turn to have a chance with my husband. I was amazed at how one month flew by but then I realized it was only one month and we have a long road ahead of us. On top of all this , I may be pregnant. Again, thank you for all your support.<p>Jessica

Jessica, one month and no counseling yet? If not the two of you then just for you.<p>Catnip is right in saying he must sever all ties w/ow before you can heal the marriage. No form of talking is allowed as it will only keep him in duplicity with you and ow. <p>It sounds as if he's waiting to see who he wants.<p>My h called ow during her pregnancy and counseled w/ow behind my back w/parish priest on what a good father he was going to be! I found out after in a letter from ow to me!<p>During that time H was remorseful, but that something-is-still-wrong here feeling was present.<p>After moving home once a few weeks after d-day, I threw him out 3 months later.<p>Then I found out about calls/counseling/w ow and it all made sense. H was still torn over what he'd done to ow and was feeling sorry. I was planning a divorce at that time.<p>H moved back in 6 weeks begging to let him prove what a "good" H he'd be. Reluctantly I stuck around and his word has been true.<p>It's over a year now and we are finally at a better place.<p>Are you sure you're expecting? Take care of yourself and buckle-up for the emotional rollercoaster ride of your life.<p>Prayers to you Jessica.<p>love
Debi

Thank God! I am not expecting, PG test was negative, Dont get me wrong I do want children , just not under these circumstances, doctor says it is stress throwing my system out of wack. We talked again and H says that he does not know where we will all be, he has told her that he is here with me so why doesnt she understand that he is trying to work on our relationship. I dont know what it is about him leaving. He feels that if he leaves he can sort out all of his problems and then make the right decision. I guess I am so afraid that he will end up with her and of course I do not want my marriage to end, but part of me my dignity and pride tell me to let him go, and see what life without Jessica is like. But then there is always that part of feeling rejected and unwanted because he did this. As time passes I feel that I will tell him to go ahead and move out on his own, so that he can make the right decision. I am just waiting patiently for that time to come. I am trying to be strong and I have been supportive the whole way through, but now I am getting mad and I just want my life to go on wether he is a part of my life or not, it will go on. As far as counseling, I have gone to counseling he refuses to go. till next time.. jessica

Jessica,
You've only been dealing with this for a month and your feelings, thoughts, etc will go through many changes in the months to come. It's great that you are in counseling for yourself, but I think that the fact your husband won't go should be a warning signal!!!! If he truly is remorseful and wants to try to make the "right" decision, I think he should be willing to go into couples counseling. That's just my opinion, and maybe he will eventually want to go. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself and letting family and friends take care of you as well (which they can do without knowing the whole story if you choose not to tell everyone). Things will be sorted out in time, but it may take a lot of time!

Jessica,
When I found out about OW, she was about 5 months pregnant. That day, I told my H that if he wanted our marriage to work he would seek counseling within 24 hours! He came home from work with an appointment and about 15 books from the pastor through work. He said he would do whatever was necessary to make it work. <p>He had no contact with OW unless she was admitted to the hospital...she was twice prior to delivery for something or other. Even then, she called him and he immediately told me. He told her not to call until she was in labor and that he could not see or talk to her at all. He told her that he was trying to save a marriage and that she would have to rely on her family to help her during the pregnancy.<p>He did whatever was necessary and whatever I asked of him for the most part. That child is not your H until DNA says it is! He is under no obligation for anything. We did nothing until child was 1 month old...DNA proved it was my H. <p>Even now, visitation, CS, everything goes by and through me before they decide. If your H wants things to work, he needs to step up to the plate. It sounds as though he is still in the fog of the affair. Keep implementing the Harley principles. When you are strong enough, you may have to plan B. Fortunately, I didnt have to go there...but we're not out of the woods yet. It has been a little over a year since our D-day and I hold plan B in my pocket just in case something else comes up. We are getting there though. <p>Good luck and I will pray for u!

Ditto what Tryin said sweetie.<p>love
Debi

Jessica,<p>Reading your post made me re-live that first painful month. My husband also teetered on 100% dedication to our marriage. <p>He was here physically. And over and over he asked me, "isn't this enough? doesn't this prove I love you more.. I'm here aren't I."<p>And just like you I felt like it was lip service. I wanted to see a fire in his eye that showed his committment was more than just "being here". <p>I would read posts about how other WS broke down on there knees, begging forgiveness and doing whatever the BS asked for "penance". Mine didn't do any of that stuff and I felt inadequate and it caused me to doubt the strength of my marriage and whether or not it was worth staying with this man.<p>But I tell you Jessica, every marriage and every person is different. Although we are on the same ride, the speed at which we heal and progress is vastly different. <p>Some people have milestones where they knew the tide changed... others see a gruadual improvement and wake up one day with a lighter heart.<p>Your counseling will help you discover what kind of healing path is best for you. <p>As for your husband....only you can guess what will throw him out of his fog. I know for mine it was being an inch away from divorce and both of us being frustrated that it was just about over. We threw ourselves into prayer and asked God for guidance. <p>Somehow he spoke to my husband's heart and showed him the right way to love me, appreciate me and work on our marriage. Finally the lip service was gone.<p>Contine counseling ... pray ... to whatever God you recognize. Even if you aren't very religious. I wasn't. I believed in him... but never imagined he'd work a miracle in my life. But then again... I had never asked for one, up until that day when H and I prayed together.<p>Keep you head up girl, and put your seatbelt on.
Come here as often as you can... and don't be afraid to ask for help.<p>Z.