Sorry guys...I really felt as if I was moving down a positive path these past few months, and even my H mentioned in therapy last week that I seem to be talking more and working on things. But this past week or so have been emotionally tough on me.<p>I don't know why, maybe it is the changes in me that this situation has put me in (for I was not asked if I WANTED to go along on this ride...I was blindfolded and then stuck in the front seat of the wildest rollercoaster ever...) I just hate who I have become.<p>In a nutshell, I feel like I did the first few months after D-day of the affair and other child. A year and a half later, and I am back to the stage of "Why?", and "How could he?" and "Why am I even giving him a second chance?" I rarely smile, take joy in interests I used to have, rarely think of anything else except the affair the OW and the OC.<p>After our last therapy session, (which was a very productive one if you read my other post in the Recovery forum) he seemed to withdraw from me, and he finally told me what was bothering him the next night. In therapy, I said that I hated him for what he did , and that I realize that he was not the person I thought he was. He found that rather disappointing (and I understand that it could be) and he had thought that I didn't feel such strong negative feelings toward him. I had told him the next night that these things were often "fleeting thoughts/feelings" associated with the level of anger I was feeling at the time.<p>And the truth be told that is exactly what it is about. But I am very angry this week and especially tonight, at what he did, and how much it has affected my personality and thrown me right back 15 years ago when I was struggling with my anorexia and self worth.<p>...but sometimes I just have this feeling overcome my whole body and soul, saying "You FOOL, taking a person back when they hurt you so much, disregarded your feelings, and put your life at risk? And now it will never go away because of the baby..." I shake and get angry, and have to shout inside my head "Just shut Up!" and then the feelings of hate come back...oh it is a vicious thing sometimes, the mind...<p>
So, how do you know that you really love them, despite all the hurt they have caused you? How do you know that are you are staying because of love for them as a person, for who they are now? How do you love beyond all their faults and the person they showed you they were, which you just realized was different than what you thought they were when you married them?<p>And the funny part is that he could walk thru the door not minutes later and we would say hello, have dinner witht he kids, put them to bed and snuggle and then I go to sleep thinking...now what was my problem before? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
NGU<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>So, how do you know that you really love them, despite all the hurt they have caused you? How do you know that are you are staying because of love for them as a person, for who they are now? How do you love beyond all their faults and the person they showed you they were, which you just realized was different than what you thought they were when you married them?<hr></blockquote><p>NotGivingUp, I know I really love H because when he came home again he became my best friend again. H answered all q's about when and where about A a long time ago, honestly. Every now and again when I ask, how could he, he says he was a different person then and truly didn't like himself. He is so happy to be back to his old self again. Hated the lies.<p>I asked what made him want to stay w/me? His answere is I made him stay because of who I am. If before he got married and had to write down what he wanted in a wife, it would be all my qualities, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Said that when I didn't even KNOW what was between us I still lovingly wrote cards telling him whatever was bothering him we'd get through it because I loved him. He said through those actions alone he felt so guilty and began to realize what a "this side of a virgin" wife he had.<p>Our friend lost his wife to cancer last year. We attended funeral. All the while my H knew what he had to tell me but hadn't yet. The day of the funeral I said how sorry I felt for friend...that he had lost his closest friend being his wife. H got tears in his eyes and hugged me and said "you're the best wife, Debi" Was holding my hand during the "readings" at church about how blessed is a man who has a good wife....H squeezed my hand and was tearful.<p>I REMEMBER that and KNOW how H was filled w/self-hatred. When I think back, he suddenly became more loving in the weeks before d-day. Maybe he thought he'd be able to stay after confessing? No way!<p>That's part of how I know I still love him. In spite of the mistake.<p>How he tried from the very beginning to call. Wrote and mailed or dropped off cards telling me he loved me and didn't want a divorce. Begged for a second chance by sending me the song "Second Chance" and the words made me bawl my eyes out.<p>Now I do think of the how and why but will never be able to explain it.<p>All I know is that a sense of humor helps. A lot of understanding helps. Forgiveness, ahhhhhhh, forgiveness helps. Prayer and time helps also.<p>I know that I'd be miserable w/o him and he w/o me. We've both said that!<p>So I stay and keep on trying to keep the love fires burning.<p>I have moments NGU, but nothing compared to a year ago when all I could do was LB!!! And at the time I really didn't care as my feelings were raw and my pain fresh.<p>There's a big ole scar on my heart, but H has managed to plant the most beautiful flower garden over it. And he tends to the flowers each and every day.<p>Hope that helped explain how I do it.<p>love
Debi

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...but sometimes I just have this feeling overcome my whole body and soul, saying "You FOOL, taking a person back when they hurt you so much, disregarded your feelings, and put your life at risk? And now it will never go away because of the baby..." <hr></blockquote><p>I often ask myself that all the time. I always told my H that I would leave his sorry butt if he ever cheated on me. (you would have thought that he learned from my life, my dad cheated on my mom, my ex-H cheated on me...sheesh...you would have thought *I* would have learned!) I never thought that my one true love and best friend would ever have been capable of doing this to me.<p>I hurt because the OC makes this a permenant reminder. I hurt and am angry because this will not "just go away". The knowledge is always there, whether we have contact or not.<p>I can relate exactly to those thoughts. It has only been 8 months since D-day for me, but I still go in cycles. I do feel better now than I did in the those earlier days. I still can't seem to get into the holidays though.<p>Thanks for sharing and letting me know that these thoughts are normal. I will be praying for you and pray that you will feel better soon.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

My husband was also filled with self-hatred and guilt in the months before he told me of A and OC. We tried to work things out but he has changed his mind about key (to me) issues and still expects me to hang in there because he says me and our kids are the best thing that ever happened to him and that he realizes that now. But because he keeps changing his mind (I guess you could actually call them lies) I don't have any peace of mind that he won't make the decisions that I would like to see him make but change his mind again in 1 year, 2 years, etc. <p>I have filed for divorce and have appointment with attorney tomorrow to discuss property settlement. H and I have to hash this out tonight. H still lives in our home and the thought of moving out petrifies him. He wants us to try to work on things first and if we can't, then would understand proceeding with divorce. I feel I've waited long enough to see some permanent changes in the works ( 10 months since d-day) but haven't seen anything that seems to stick. My feeling is that I want to go ahead with divorce now (partly to protect "my" assets, especially since H may lose his job due to his severe depression) and then we have all the time in the world to work on our relationship and see where things go. But in the meantime, I can get on with my life and not worry about what H will do to me emotionally, as far as OW and OC are concerned.<p>Does all of this make sense?

NGU,<p>I'm sorry your going through this. I've been there I used to lie awake at night and look at my H and feel hate and anger flow through my body. The only way I got past that was to leave OC/exOW behind me. I'm not saying I forgot about the affair but I just didn't talk about it anymore so it didn't consume me the way it used to. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts we all go through rough times I hope yours get better soon.<p>
Unsure

NGU,<p>my dear friend. I wish I had read your post before you signed off.<p>Sounds like you need a dose of zebra juice.<p>Honey.... I'll see you online soon and we'll talk more.<p>But for now, know I'm praying for you and hope you will try to pray for yourself. I know you aren't very religious or spiritual. But just try for me.... and esentially for you.<p>BW and I will help you ... we look foward to another late nighter.<p>Just remember... good things will come for you... why?.... because you deserve them and are worthy.<p>Love you,
Z.