I wanted to tell you that we are from the same time in life. Our misfortunes happened at different times, however.<p>What a difference in having it happen after 26 years.....<p>Your story hit home with me.<p>I am impressed you came out of the lurk to post to me after reading my story for so long.<p>When I have more time we'll have to talk, you old bat..ha ha lol.<p>love
Debi

Gem, forgive me for intruding on your thread. But I felt moved to post to Math123 as well.<p>Math,<p>How wonderful to hear of life after the kids are grown and gone. I often daydream about the day that OC is an adult and that monkey is off my marriage's back.<p>I don't know if you are familiar with my story, but we are on a visitation hiatus. For two reasons ... one because OW was become too dependant on us (more like dependent on H) as a babysitter, emergency grocery store, general savior. ... and second because H couldn't take the pain in my eyes everytime OC was here. <p>I tried to be the noble wife and do the mature thing. I tried to hide the searing pain in my heart when OC was here. But I guess my eyes told it all. My H is famous for reading eyes. He does it to strangers all the time. I was a fool to think I could mask my pain from him.<p>Anyway, we are at a stale mate. I fear, and don't admit to H, that he will soon want to restart visitation. I dread the day that I will have to discuss this with him, because right now I feel I will have to put my foot down. I pray our marriage will continue to be strong to handle that chapter.<p>With the OC as a non-issue in our lives we have been able to concentrate on our lives our marriage. I can fully relate with your post about having that freedom to mold and re-create your marriage without the "symbol" coming over every other weekend to rip at the scabs of the most painful time in your life.<p>(attn all holier than thou poster/lurkers: don't get your panites in a wad because I referred to oc as "symbol". No disrespect was meant to the innocent child.)<p>Thank you for sharing Math, your story is an inspiration to us all who often doubt what the future may hold.<p>Today is my birthday... and in two days it'll be my d-day anniversary. I'm scared. I have started re-living last year over and over in my head already. Asking myself, "what was I doing last year at this time." I was celebrating my birthday with my husband. Little did I know.. in two days my world would be changed forever. But that's another post.<p>thank you again,
z.

Yes, I am familiar with both of you, and again I must state that I am out here supporting you in your struggles. When reading posts from this forum, one could get the false impression that there are many people out there in our same position. I now know they are out there, but we are spread all over the "world". Someone made a similar comment recently on their post. When we lived in New Orleans, "over a quarter of a century ago", I did know that the homes built surrounding the French Quarter were historically built for the mistresses and concubines of the local business men, but that was from another time. Our society was supposed to have advanced beyond that. Anyway, in all the years since D-day, I still do not personally know another person in our situation, and I am no social isolate. Debi - I do not know if it is "better" having had it happen years ago - or having it happen when one is older. The wisdom for handling "it" may be different with age, but pain is pain. One time, many years ago, Joanne Woodward did a TV show about a woman, who, on her husband's deathbed, discovered a young woman in his room saying a very tender "goodbye" to her husband. She followed the woman, and then discovered that she was his mistress and that they had a small boy. The program centered around her devastation of discovery and the anger she felt, because after a lifetime of being his wife, she would not be able to work out the situation with him - he died. She was left with all the pain. As TV programs do, it wrapped up the situation in about an hour. As we all know, that is impossible. The one thing that I was able to take from the program, and believe me I still remember the pain I went through while the program was airing - was a "guide" on how to handle the will. The message the program alluded to was that whatever wealth and real estate that was built and accumulated in the marriage belonged to the children of the marriage, because both spouses were a part of that growth - but the OC still deserves something. The woman in the program signed one of her husband's life insurance policies over to the OC. The only other program I ever saw addressing our situation was also many years ago. A woman conceived a child in a one night stand and chose to raise the girl quietly. She later found herself dying of a brain tumor. She contacted the man and told him of her plight. The man, who was married with no children, shared the news with his wife. They agreed to adopt the child, then a teenager, as their own. The program ended when the girl arrived, and the wife made the comment that the situation would be difficult, but they would all try to get through it. Again, I painfully watched the program to gain some insight, but in an hour it was over, and it superficially skimmed over all emotional issues - it just alluded that they were there. It left me thinking I was over emotional about the whole issue, and that I should get a grip and handle it better. TV is so good at wrapping things up in its allotted time.
Debi - one thing about finding it out years ago is that I have had time to "view" our long term results. I have concluded (and I am only an expert on my personal situation, no one elses) that it is one situation that people can recover from, move on from, grow in certain ways from, and even thrive after, but it comes at a great price and loss to all concerned. No matter how the BS and their spouse "evolve" from it - for lack of better words, I will refer to "it" as the unfortunate situation - all involved will experience a great loss. Here I am referring to a betrayed woman - the other situation has its own personal dynamics. The husband, if he chooses to remain with his family, has the guilt and the first hand knowledge that his choice hurt many and that he will never, no matter what visitation is worked out, be a full time dad to OC - the child's lose. If he leaves his family, they will no longer have a full time dad. We know what the wife will have to live with and her losses. The OW, as statistics will show, will almost always lose the man.
Zebrababy - Happy Birthday - that is your special day.
The D-day comes each year. Mine is in February. The pain never fully goes away. Each year the pain is less acute and the insights into live deeper. I do understand Dr. Harley's reference to the residual pain going on for even decades.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The D-day comes each year. Mine is in February. The pain never fully goes away. Each year the pain is less acute and the insights into live deeper. I do understand Dr. Harley's reference to the residual pain going on for even decades. <hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm...I also can understand it math123. It's a horrific feeling when I allow myself to fully feel the dynamics of it all. I know I can never change what happened. The pain of another woman bearing my husbands child WILL NEVER LEAVE! (I don't care who reads this!)<p>The horror of what I felt in "Night Of The Living Dead" and "The Exorcist" is so minute to the pain of this tradgedy of life.<p>I now am off all medications. I don't want to have to control my feelings just to survive this. You know?<p>Triggers are a biggie w/me too. Does that ever leave completely?<p>I doubt it.<p>Because she was my friend makes it worse for me.
I was good to her c's. Good to her Mom. Her Mom loved me. Good to her cleaning women and babysitter women. Nice to her H and brothers and their wives. They all knew except for her Mom. I still feel like an as* for going everywhere w/them socially. I wonder what they were thinking? My H when we were out would see old friends and grab me and BRAG about our 25th anniversary! WHY? What was the point?<p>If this had happened before we had a son I know I'd be gone. Perhaps I still will go. For now we're together. If a studly nice guy should catch my eye...I don't know what I'll do.<p>I pray to fight the demons. So far god has been gracious. I know that I still have free will. I pray I am not the one to conclude our lives as we know it now.
love
Debi