Hello fellow wounded soldiers.<p>I couldn't think of any other place I'd rather be than here with you. I must share the turmoil going on in my head.<p>Today is my birthday. In two days it'll be anniversary of d-day. <p>Oh, how I'm struggling.<p>I have begun the re-living of what I was doing last year at this very moment. <p>I remembered the wonderful love cards and flowers my husband bought me last year for my birthday. This morning he gave me two cards, one humorous and one that was sweet but not at all romantic. He signed them, Love Your husband, First Name Last Name. They seemed somewhat generic. It was a card I could have given a co-worker or boss.<p>And I'm sitting her struggling. Am I reading too much into it? Am I searching for something. And is that search bound to leave me disappointed.<p>I'm thinking about how I was so naive that anything was going to blow up in two days. I'm thinking am I being naive. Is he going to come home from work and tell me he's been visiting with OW/OC. or worse.<p>I feel like a sitting duck waiting for disaster and doom. I don't like feeling like this.<p>Tonight is my birthday party at my mother's house. My family will be there. And I'm wondering if my residual pain will show to everyone. <p>H and I make a point to show everyone our love for one another. It helps to cast away the doubts and the questions.<p>Ladies (and a few gents) please say a silent prayer for me. Pray that I make it through the rest of this holiday season.<p>Thank you for letting me share. I'm sure I'll be back with more. Two days and counting.<p>Z.<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: zebrababy ]</p>

Z My prayers are with you and so is He...you know that right? I will be thinking of you and the strength you have given me, and I now pass all of it back to you ...ok?
NGU

I love you NGU. yes, I accept.. and yes, I know.<p>Z.

First let me say HAPPY BIRTHDAY....<p>While it's only been 4 months for me, I'm afraid of certain anniversaries.<p>Last year H chose to spend Christmas with OW and their children (didn't know OC was his at the time). I was so angry and I didn't even know that they had been having an affair.<p>Just a couple of weeks ago I found the Christmas card he gave me...H just gave me a blank card that was tossed onto the table before he left. I, like you, have been trying to read so much into those events.<p>Oc was born 5 days after our anniversary and I think about the day that we sat at dinner and he was holding my hand saying that he loved me, knowing the birth of his child was days away. I could almost cry just thinking of that now (ok, I am crying).<p>I sometimes feel like a sitting duck. When things seem to be going well I start thinking when is the bomb dropping.<p>I'm so sorry that you are having these feelings. <p>
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.<p>(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))<p>Take care,
Why

May God wrap his arms around you and give you peace today and always Zebrababy.<p>It happens to me too and I push the thoughts away.<p>C'mon now...DEEP BREATH....good now EXHALE and smile!
love
Debi

Hey Z,<p>Just wanted to wish you......a............<p> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!<p>First and foremost...<p>I am glad that I can calm down now and think of others and I want you to know that I will be praying for you (Once God and I get myself straightened out...I gave God a few choice opinions too that I need to repent of!!! LOL!!!)<p>I am praying that this will go by quickly for you. I am praying that you enjoy your special day. Birthdays are national holidays around our house.<p>Thanks for all your love, support and encouragement and I want you to know that you are thought of.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!<p>I want you to know that Hs often just dont get it. Have you been able to express to your H how those cards made you feel? I often have to "gently" express how my husband's way of saying and doing things, although well intended, didnt give the message that I think he wanted. He usually takes it in stride and often apologizes and expresses it in a way that is so much better for us both. <p>I am praying for you both.

Storming the heavens and praying hard for Zee...<p>What you are feeling is NORMAL and will PASS...time is the only friend we have, along with this support system, the first year and anniversary after discovery. While we all wait for that last shoe to drop, several months from now you may find, like me, it was all in vain. Ironically, things were terrible for us just this past August, but we have rebounded once again.<p>I am three years into this, Zee, and I can tell you truly, it does get better with time. The demons loose their power, we gain momentum with the recovery and soon it become less and less important and meanwhile the marriage is on a course of recovery for most here on this site.<p>Your husband WANTS to be with you...not in that nightmare of a year ago. REmember, this kind of shock is so traumatic, that most WS's here come running home like they've been shot out of a cannon...not so true on other sites here where they are still in fantasyland.<p>I found that my anniversaries were only 'important' to me and that my husband never gave any of it a second thought. To do so would make him desponent and guilt ridden, ashamed, embarrased and devastated at the ruination. I was stunned to realize that he never ever thought of it and when it did cross his mind, he became so disgusted he quickly dismissed it and would look at me with love in his eyes...for sticking with him through it all.<p>If you choose to wallow with the demons and relive the nightmare as I did, you will simply be exorcising them from you as a means of a perverse kind of therapy. In spite of my misery that first anniversary and holiday season, there were moments I was so caught up in my family, friends and husband, I did get a momentary repreive and later marveled at how I actually went several hours without revisiting the pain. I trust this will happen for you, too.<p>Just forge ahead, Zee. What else can you do? Give it your best shot and see what the season's blessings will be for you. If you wear life like a loose cloak over the next few weeks and be as happy as you can be, your husband will notice, and thank God with gratitude he came home to you, for love, for solace and where his happiness truly lies. Be better than she could ever be...make him glad he made the right choice.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Hey, Happy Birthday!<p>I know exactly what you are feeling. My D-day was just 5 weeks ago, but the A was over five years ago and the OC just turned 5. The day after I finally found out I realized that the anniversary ring my H had given to me was given to me during the A and that the diamond heart pendant that he gave me the following year was given to me just 2 weeks after the birth of the OC. Needless to say, I haven't worn either one since.<p>Our anniversary is next week and I am really dreading it! My H has been so loving and supportive, but I know it will bring back all those feelings of "How could you have been giving me these gifts of your undying love while all the while you were living a secret life????"<p>Anyway, hang in there...and look for his love in the little things too.

Hey Mrs. Zee,<p>You've always been there for me when I was down. And I find myself speechless during your time of pain. Keep your head up sweetie and don't let this beat you. I hate that we are all going through this pain. Don't forget to pray to God thanking him for letting you live another year. I'll talk to you soon. <p>Unsure<p>P.S. You know your in my thought and prayers. (My sista in recovery) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 14, 2001: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Z,<p>Just wanted to send my love, prayers, and support your way. Not necesarily in that order.....<p>You two will be fine.<p>Love
bw

Zebra,<p>Happy Birthday, Sweetie. God knew what He was doing when he brought you into the world. He rejoiced the day he thought of you, and he rejoices in you today - for how you love Him and how you love your husband, how supportive you are to others here and at home. <p>We all share in your struggle and you can count on our prayers to be lifted up to the ONE and only God who can comfort you. And He will.<p>For some of us, because of God's work, our husbands desire to love us. I know my husband loves me, but it is hard to really believe sometimes knowing that he fathered a child and it wasn't with me... yea, they made a collossal mistake, one that we will never forget BUT THEY LOVE US...Praise God!!! and tough luck to the OW!
Yea, that might be mean, but i will ask for forgiveness tonight.<p>God Bless, Happy Birthday!
And just think, one day ALL pain will pass...
Julia<p>[ December 13, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Happy Birthday, you Christmas baby, you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] And you timed it right, I just hope that you got REAL birthday wrapping on your gifts--in any color except green or red! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know, when we (my H and I) first started going over HNHN and the questionnaires, I had to tell him that writing his first and last names on cards to me were HUGE love busters. OMG!<p>Soooo, I don't think that is any reason for you to be suspicious, I think it's their way of signing their names without thinking and that DOES hurt, so I hear where you're coming from. At least your H signed with "love"!! I have received cards with just his first and last names--and they were romantic cards up until I got to his signature. HATED IT!<p>I think that, together with the discovery date approaching, it is overwhelming you. I think you'll be all right. You're a strong lady of faith. I know God is helping you and He has strengthened your marriage. He knew all this would happen to you so it's no surprise to Him, He has a way figured out for you to get through this. You definitely have my prayers. <p>How did the birthday party go?????

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know exactly what you are feeling. My D-day was just 5 weeks ago, but the A was over five years ago and the OC just turned 5. The day after I finally found out I realized that the anniversary ring my H had given to me was given to me during the A and that the diamond heart pendant that he gave me the following year was given to me just 2 weeks after the birth of the OC. Needless to say, I haven't worn either one since.<hr></blockquote><p>Same here Mariachimom. I receieved a 5 ct. diamond bracelet for my 25th anniversary and diamond hoops that Christmas. Haven't put em on either. I mean, what was he thinking? A was hot and heavy then.<p>love
Debi

Happy B-day Zebra,
I am still a newbie but to you I extend a room full of hugs and much love to you at a time that seems so difficult for all of us. My d-day was around my b-day as well and it gets hard around my birthday as well as other days or things that remind me and it has been 4 years, almost 5. How do we get through, by talking to each other and giving each other internet hugs and support. If we didnt have MB where would we be. <p>Much love hope you had a great one and keep your head up!
Unicorn

Oh my God... I have tears in my eyes....

You are sooo right Unicorn... where would we be without MB. <p>I thank God for all of you. Today more than ever. It was overwhelming to read the wonderful responses of my good friends. It's amazing... of all the birthday well wishes I received... the ones I got from you guys warmed my heart the most. And you know why? Because you all are feeling my pain. No-one else in this whole wide world can imagine what we feel. Oh they try.. but they just don't know.<p>As for the evening.... your prays all worked. H showed up a little late... but traffic was a bear in the rain. He leaned over and wispered in my ear he had something special for me at home.<p>When we got home after ten.. we were walking the dog and he opened the hatch back to the mini-van and there was an outfit he had bought and picked out.<p>He hasn't done that since pre-affair. It was a fabulous outfit and I wore it today to work. I got a million compliments and I felt like a million bucks in it... not just because it was a sharp outfit... but also because my love had picked it out just for me. <p>And get this... he got the size right. I've lost weight and am one size smaller than the last time he bought me an outfit years ago... he either took the time to find out my size .. or he noticed the size change.<p>So ... the day ended on a great note. He kissed me warmly and wished me (a sincere) Happy Birthday.<p>Tomorrow is d-day. And yes, I'll be at work. That'll help keep my mind occupied... and then that evening we have a catered xmas party to go to. I plan to let it all go and enjoy.<p>Why, thanx for the cyber hug. They mean sooo much when you're feeling down.<p>Gem, why is it I always forget to relax/release. I'm good for telling others to do it, but always forget myself. duh.<p>Twiisty, your prayers and thoughts are so appreciated. I'm glad you are getting to a good spot too. Isn't God good?<p>Tryin & BTDT, I did tell him gently. And he apologized and explained that he had written business xmas cards earlier that day and just was in that mode and meant nothing by it. Oh and by the way... he mentioned to me, "you didn't like the cards i got you." That's what broke the ice on that convo. He noticed I didn't stand them up on the dresser like I'd normally do. Amazing what they notice.. isn't it.<p>Catnip...oh you wise cat you. Thank you for reminding me that he chooses to be here and love me. I will forge ahead, because it's all I know. It's my nature and my strength. Thank you for reminding me. And you are sooooo right.. those anniversaries are only important to us. They don't think twice and when they do they are so skilled at tucking it away. Crafty men that they are. And I love proving that I'm better than her. Because I am.<p>Mariachimom, Thank God we were broke during A and he never bought me jewels... Because I sure hate to waste good diamonds. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Maybe you could go get yours reset into something phenonminal and fabulous. Or you and Gem could just do an excange secret santa gift and have new jewels to appreciate. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Unsure and BW, just that you took the time to hit the reply button and wish me well makes me feel warm inside. I love you both... my chat buddies.<p>MNCA, Yes praise God he's in love with me and I thank him that he keeps his hands over our hearts. Why is it when I'm down I forget to pray for myself? I'm quick to ask someone to pray for me... but I don't pray for myself. I have to get better at that.<p>
Well ladies.... do you remember OW calling H on his b-day and I was gonna call her and ask her why she didn't call me on mine.....<p>Well..... she called me. She left a birthday message on the machine. Darn, I was looking forward to busting her chops... Oh well, maybe she'll continue to play nice for a while. We'll see, we can only hope.<p>Love you all, and thanx again,
Z.

zebrababy,<p>I think you're awesome! You have so much to offer all of us here...and you're right, we need to remember to take care of ourselves. Sometimes I get so caught up in taking care of everyone else (kids, H, even the CS agreement!) that I wonder who's going to take care of me????<p>Well, ladies, we are going to take care of each other!!!!!<p>Merry Christmas to all of you!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Well, ladies, we are going to take care of each other!!!!!<hr></blockquote><p>Yes...we will take care of each other and anyone else who (sadly) has to come along....I thank God everyday for you Ladies (and some Gents!) <p>Z, I will be thinking of you on D-day and praying for you while you work and go on about your day.
WE WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS!!!! <p>I am so glad this is a place to vent, cry, share and ask for support. It shows that we do need people who identify and understand and emphasize with the pain of our particular circumstances.<p>Love ya, hope to chat with you again and give yourself a hug as I can't be there to hug ya in person...better yet, ask your H to hug you for me...what a sweetie to notice your weight loss and take the time to get you that special outfit!
Hugs,
Twiisty [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]